Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[AnneP]

I've seen so many BS on here are given the advice to make their WS take a polygraph. Why is no one suggesting OT give his wife one? He clearly can afford it.

 

OT, have you considered scheduling a polygraph and (with no notice) telling your wife you're taking her somewhere? From what I've read here polygraphs or even the threat of one, always brings out the truth. She will probably admit to something more in the parking lot before going in, but go through with it.

 

In your case, I would ask questions like: Has she been completely truthful about the affair, is she in love with you, have there been other affairs, and probably something along the lines of: Is she just staying for financial reasons.

 

You earn enough money to do this. Take charge and demand she take a polygraph.

[AnneP]

As mentioned in an earlier post, I think I've finally gotten very close to a full disclosure of the events leading up to and inside the affair. As other posters had suggested, there was more sexual contact than initially disclosed, including one thing that we've never done (location, not an actual sexual act). Sex a few times in a single day was one of the biggies that I knew about already and she had not disclosed, she finally came clean about this during the "get out" discussion.

 

It was interesting to hear her talk about how she felt and what she was thinking during the A. I asked her about why it was so sexual, her answer was also unexpected; she was trying to build the connection sexually and, in her words, not succeeding. In the "woe is me" category, she said that she feels broken (sexually), she just doesn't connect with people that way. I believe this, it's been a constant topic of discussion in our relationship and, after much reading, it's not all that uncommon; it seems that a lot of women (and some men) really don't "connect" in a sexual manner. Yes, they enjoy it, but it doesn't do for them what it does for me. The 5 Love Languages laid this out well, my language is physical touch, hers is not (words of affirmation).

 

Hearing her talk about the sex was also interesting, she wasn't getting as much as I would have thought from it. She said the first time was pretty amazing, but, after that, it tapered off quickly and she said she quickly fell back into the pattern that we have had for years (having sex because I want it, not because she does). Also interesting, she didn't have many orgasms; I was really surprised by this because, honestly, she's very easy to "get off" (sorry for the blunt language) compared to most other women I've been with. I was further surprised because, when I imagine myself having an affair, I would expect the sex to be "off the charts"; there's no way a long term partner can compete with the thrill/new/danger/etc of extramarital sex, no matter how good they are in bed. But it sounds like, at least for my wife, that faded really quickly (she said that by the 3rd time, she was "going through the motions").

 

Not as much "wild monkey sex" as I was prepared to hear; and, because I know the AP, I'm not all that surprised. I said it in one of my earlier posts, but she picked someone who I just find totally non-threatening sexually. He's a bit of a "dweeb" in all honestly, not good looking, not physically imposing, and not much of a "decision maker" (other than, of course, his penchant for bedding women outside of his marriage). My wife was/is way above his league; another thing that totally shocked me when I found out. I thought women typically "cheated up" and men "cheated around". This was certainly a "cheat around" type relationship; I struggle to find a single thing about him where I don't favorably compare beyond his constant use of words of affirmation to make my wife feel loved. Blast away if you like, but, in my eyes; it's true, he has far less to offer than I do.

 

As I mentioned before, I think I'm really closing in on full disclosure because she's now told me just about everything that I already knew from the electronic surveillance. I'm sure there's a bit more, and I'm going to keep asking questions sporadically to make sure everything lines up, but, IMHO, she's come as clean as you can expect at this point from d-day.

 

Now comes the hard part; trying to forgive. Most of that is really going to depend on her; if she continues as she has been, I'm not sure we'll get there. But things are changing. She's starting to read a lot more about how to fix this, what changes need to happen, books on why this happened and how to keep yourself out of this situation in the future. She's starting to ask me to look at things with her in books to get my opinion and ask if this would or would have helped. I see these as positive steps. She's also doing a lot less gaslighting, especially after the bomb that dropped the other night (my discovery of an e-mail from years ago that showed her that something she'd been blaming me for (and was a very serious issue in our relationship) was, in fact, not my fault). I think she's starting to see what she's done, not just in the affair, but to our marriage in general and the way she'd slowly turned me into the enemy.

 

I'm not surprised the sex wasn't amazing. It seems like she had more of an EA with him rather than PA. Women often times step out because they're unhappy with their marriage and feel they're missing something and that something is usually not sex.

 

Without marriage counseling, you'll never really resolve these issues and she will do it again. I know I've already said this, but I would tell your wife you want MC and would like to see a Licensed Clinical Therapist - who is also a Christian. Tell her you're willing to see a Christian counselor for her. She will think this gives her an edge in therapy, but it won't. Please do this.

[Overtaxed]

I've seen so many BS on here are given the advice to make their WS take a polygraph. Why is no one suggesting OT give his wife one? He clearly can afford it.

 

OT, have you considered scheduling a polygraph and (with no notice) telling your wife you're taking her somewhere? From what I've read here polygraphs or even the threat of one, always brings out the truth. She will probably admit to something more in the parking lot before going in, but go through with it.

 

In your case, I would ask questions like: Has she been completely truthful about the affair, is she in love with you, have there been other affairs, and probably something along the lines of: Is she just staying for financial reasons.

 

You earn enough money to do this. Take charge and demand she take a polygraph.

 

I hadn't really considered it, no. And, quite honestly, I'm not sure it would help; I already know 90% of the details because of the electronic stuff so it's easy for me to know when she's lying or omitting information because I already have so much of the truth.

 

For me anyway, I'm walking a fine line between trying to protect myself and just being straight up vindictive. A poly, to me, comes down on the latter side of that because I know enough to make my decision without a poly. The sex stuff isn't that important to me, and I don't think a poly will be able to discern something as complex as "Do you love me". I'm 99% sure she's not staying with me for the money, but I suppose if I really wanted to know, I could insist on a post-nup pulling even more of the assets back. Again, not sure that's the right move, feels vindictive more than helpful at this point.

 

If she kept/keeps lying, yes, things would be going in a different direction. When I told her to get out the other night and she was packing, I was going to watch her walk away if she didn't come clean. But she did, and she told me things that she had no idea that I already knew; that was a big step. Comparing what she told me with what I knew; things lined up very well, so I feel I'm getting close to the "real" story now. Also, much of the communication I have was deleted, so she didn't have access to it to compare what was said to the AP with the "story" she's giving me. I doubt she knows how much I was able to recover (nearly all of it), which gives me a tremendous ability to "polygraph" without needing a machine. That said, if I still have lingering doubts (and I do have a few) a few weeks from now, yes, I will ask for one.

[AnneP]

I hadn't really considered it, no. And, quite honestly, I'm not sure it would help; I already know 90% of the details because of the electronic stuff so it's easy for me to know when she's lying or omitting information because I already have so much of the truth.

 

For me anyway, I'm walking a fine line between trying to protect myself and just being straight up vindictive. A poly, to me, comes down on the latter side of that because I know enough to make my decision without a poly. The sex stuff isn't that important to me, and I don't think a poly will be able to discern something as complex as "Do you love me". I'm 99% sure she's not staying with me for the money, but I suppose if I really wanted to know, I could insist on a post-nup pulling even more of the assets back. Again, not sure that's the right move, feels vindictive more than helpful at this point.

 

If she kept/keeps lying, yes, things would be going in a different direction. When I told her to get out the other night and she was packing, I was going to watch her walk away if she didn't come clean. But she did, and she told me things that she had no idea that I already knew; that was a big step. Comparing what she told me with what I knew; things lined up very well, so I feel I'm getting close to the "real" story now. Also, much of the communication I have was deleted, so she didn't have access to it to compare what was said to the AP with the "story" she's giving me. I doubt she knows how much I was able to recover (nearly all of it), which gives me a tremendous ability to "polygraph" without needing a machine. That said, if I still have lingering doubts (and I do have a few) a few weeks from now, yes, I will ask for one.

 

 

I feel so awful for you. Don't spend years unhappy with her. You're 40? You're still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone who loves you and will treat you right. I'm 39 and my H and I have been separated for 2 years (living apart 1.5 years) and trust me, there are other people out there. We have decided to try to reconcile and it's so difficult. Neither of us stepped out of the marriage, but just dealing with the fact that I did date someone else for a year is hard for him. I know it is. Cannot imagine how difficult it is for someone dealing with a cheating/lying spouse.

[Overtaxed]

I'm not surprised the sex wasn't amazing. It seems like she had more of an EA with him rather than PA. Women often times step out because they're unhappy with their marriage and feel they're missing something and that something is usually not sex.

 

Without marriage counseling, you'll never really resolve these issues and she will do it again. I know I've already said this, but I would tell your wife you want MC and would like to see a Licensed Clinical Therapist - who is also a Christian. Tell her you're willing to see a Christian counselor for her. She will think this gives her an edge in therapy, but it won't. Please do this.

 

I agree completely, this was far more an EA than PA, at least for my wife (I'm sure the AP wasn't seeing it that way). It's is surprising to me that there was as much sex involved as there was; frankly, I don't know how that got so tied up in this; if it was only an EA, I'd still be on here asking for help, but I'd also be saying "I understand how this happened" because, as others have surmised, I'm a very logical and rational person; I don't show many emotions and I now know how much my wife needs that. The thing that's hard, I think especially for men, is that the PA part tears at our self confidence like nothing else.

 

She absolutely stepped out because she was unhappy in our marriage. We'd discussed divorce. Things were difficult; we weren't communicating well (even though we were still "best friends" and doing tons of stuff together), we weren't connecting in the bedroom.. There were problems; that's for sure, most of which related to children. And some of those problems were honestly "imagined" by my wife (a big one being the "smoking gun" e-mail I mentioned; she indicated that something that happened 2 years ago "broke her spirit".. Thing is, it didn't happen at all the way she had in her mind, and I found an e-mail to one of her best friends telling her as much). But some of them were very real. We weren't speaking each other's love language well. We weren't communicating, in general, very well (too superficial). I just didn't think is was "this bad", and that, of course, was a huge mistake. Quite a wake up call, that's for sure.

[AnneP]

I agree completely, this was far more an EA than PA, at least for my wife (I'm sure the AP wasn't seeing it that way). It's is surprising to me that there was as much sex involved as there was; frankly, I don't know how that got so tied up in this; if it was only an EA, I'd still be on here asking for help, but I'd also be saying "I understand how this happened" because, as others have surmised, I'm a very logical and rational person; I don't show many emotions and I now know how much my wife needs that. The thing that's hard, I think especially for men, is that the PA part tears at our self confidence like nothing else.

 

She absolutely stepped out because she was unhappy in our marriage. We'd discussed divorce. Things were difficult; we weren't communicating well (even though we were still "best friends" and doing tons of stuff together), we weren't connecting in the bedroom.. There were problems; that's for sure, most of which related to children. And some of those problems were honestly "imagined" by my wife (a big one being the "smoking gun" e-mail I mentioned; she indicated that something that happened 2 years ago "broke her spirit".. Thing is, it didn't happen at all the way she had in her mind, and I found an e-mail to one of her best friends telling her as much). But some of them were very real. We weren't speaking each other's love language well. We weren't communicating, in general, very well (too superficial). I just didn't think is was "this bad", and that, of course, was a huge mistake. Quite a wake up call, that's for sure.

 

I understand a lot of what you're saying. My husband is a very logical person and is awful with communication. I always thought we had a great marriage and could communicate well. I've only now began to realize that he never was good at communicating and is a major conflict avoider. I cannot remember if this was you or someone else here saying they're an introvert. I'm also an introvert and my H is an extrovert. That has caused problems through our marriage. Introverts need time to recharge our batteries after being around people. It's really bad for me. Let's say I go shopping at the mall for instance; when getting home it feels like I've spent hours working out in a gym. I'm completely wiped out.

 

You mention that you guys have traveled extensively. My H and I have done the same. We are going to the mountains for the weekend to get away from our homes and kids. We want time alone away from our normal environment to just talk. Maybe you all could do something similar.

Edited February 2, 2017 by AnneP

[AnneP]

"Best friends" - that's what my H and I lived as for years. Sex dwindled to nothing and we just kept going. Prior to our problems starting, we had a very healthy sex life and I enjoyed it and wanted it. I became unhappy and just stopped wanting sex. I know for me, antidepressants contributed to the changes in my in major ways. There are parts of my personality that have changed and I'm feeling like it's a permanent thing. I know your wife is taking antidepressants as well and probably needs them, but I would suggest you going with her to her psychiatrist and asking questions about what she's taking and alternatives. You said she had stopped taking them and went back on them. Often times when an A/D is stopped and restarted it doesn't have the same effect as it did before. Maybe she should consider a visit to her psychiatrist to explore other alternatives.

 

I hate that you have to think about pre-nups, post-nups, and whether she's worried about losing her lifestyle. That's an awful way to live. There are good women out there who don't think about money, don't want to spend it, and are just happy spending time with their H.

 

Had we divorced or if we divorce, my H would be required to pay me 5 years of alimony and A LOT of money in child support. When we separated, I asked him to please buy a home that was just as nice as mine and I would sign an agreement that he only had to pay me X amount instead of what the law required. I wanted him and my kids to have the same quality of life in both homes. Not every woman is out for money. The fact that this comes up SO OFTEN in your posts is a red flag to me.

 

And my H has a lot more earning power than I do. He's currently a director in a tech company and is going to be a CEO in a few years. I still refuse to drain him dry if it doesn't work out. That's not fair.

[Overtaxed]

I feel so awful for you. Don't spend years unhappy with her. You're 40? You're still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone who loves you and will treat you right. I'm 39 and my H and I have been separated for 2 years (living apart 1.5 years) and trust me, there are other people out there. We have decided to try to reconcile and it's so difficult. Neither of us stepped out of the marriage, but just dealing with the fact that I did date someone else for a year is hard for him. I know it is. Cannot imagine how difficult it is for someone dealing with a cheating/lying spouse.

 

It's hard, but don't feel awful for me; I'll get through this, either with or without her. I love her dearly, but, if she has to go, she has to go.

 

If she hadn't treated me right in our marriage up to this point, I'd be skipping to the attorney's office for a D. Problem is, she has. She's been a great wife, we've had a ton of good experiences together, and we've built an amazing life. I can't take that away from her, no matter how much she's hurt me, the 14 years before d-day don't just "happen", she really is an amazing person who (and I know, I'm defending her) made a terrible mistake that may cost her everything and me almost everything. It's hard to contemplate wiping years of good memories away because of a few months of bad. But the bad hurts so much, that it does kind of blot out the good deeds of the past, even though those good deeds number in the 1000's and the bad number in the tens. Pain is a more potent motivator than pleasure, that's for sure. And ending the marriage would end the most acute pain. It's hard to resist the allure of that, but I'm trying to balance my pain right now over what I see in our future and the past (before the A).

[BTDT2012]

Without marriage counseling, you'll never really resolve these issues and she will do it again. I know I've already said this, but I would tell your wife you want MC and would like to see a Licensed Clinical Therapist - who is also a Christian. Tell her you're willing to see a Christian counselor for her. She will think this gives her an edge in therapy, but it won't. Please do this.

 

Let her find the counselor and make the appointment.

[elaine567]

I asked her about why it was so sexual, her answer was also unexpected; she was trying to build the connection sexually and, in her words, not succeeding. In the "woe is me" category, she said that she feels broken (sexually), she just doesn't connect with people that way. I believe this, it's been a constant topic of discussion in our relationship and, after much reading, it's not all that uncommon; it seems that a lot of women (and some men) really don't "connect" in a sexual manner. Yes, they enjoy it, but it doesn't do for them what it does for me.

 

 

I am sorry but I would be very wary of congratulating yourself on getting her off "very easily" in comparison to her OM.

My assertion is that she is having "orgasms" to please you and that she is most likely faking it and always has done so.

Her "going through the motions" even in the midst of a hot affair I think signifies either she is lying about the EM sex, to make you feel better about yourself, or she does indeed have a very low desire for sex - Inhibited Sexual Desire: Factors, Diagnosis & Treatments

 

 

[Overtaxed]

"Best friends" - that's what my H and I lived as for years. Sex dwindled to nothing and we just kept going. Prior to our problems starting, we had a very healthy sex life and I enjoyed it and wanted it. I became unhappy and just stopped wanting sex. I know for me, antidepressants contributed to the changes in my in major ways. There are parts of my personality that have changed and I'm feeling like it's a permanent thing. I know your wife is taking antidepressants as well and probably needs them, but I would suggest you going with her to her psychiatrist and asking questions about what she's taking and alternatives. You said she had stopped taking them and went back on them. Often times when an A/D is stopped and restarted it doesn't have the same effect as it did before. Maybe she should consider a visit to her psychiatrist to explore other alternatives.

 

I hate that you have to think about pre-nups, post-nups, and whether she's worried about losing her lifestyle. That's an awful way to live. There are good women out there who don't think about money, don't want to spend it, and are just happy spending time with their H.

 

Had we divorced or if we divorce, my H would be required to pay me 5 years of alimony and A LOT of money in child support. When we separated, I asked him to please buy a home that was just as nice as mine and I would sign an agreement that he only had to pay me X amount instead of what the law required. I wanted him and my kids to have the same quality of life in both homes. Not every woman is out for money. The fact that this comes up SO OFTEN in your posts is a red flag to me.

 

And my H has a lot more earning power than I do. He's currently a director in a tech company and is going to be a CEO in a few years. I still refuse to drain him dry if it doesn't work out. That's not fair.

 

Man, talk about an overlap. I also am an exec in a tech company. Us "all logic, all the time" guys, right..

 

I don't really think that every woman goes into a marriage thinking "How much will I get when I leave him", not at all. I do, however, think it's a potent motivator when a woman (or a man, if the wife earns more) is unhappy to pull up the stakes and move on. "I can leave this marriage and start a new life with a ton of money and just have fun". It's a "lottery" mentality, and I do think that everyone is susceptible to it to a certain extent. Think of it this way, if I didn't have a pre-nup right now, and I was working to R with the W, she would have in the back of her mind "I wonder if he really wants me, or just doesn't want to lose half of his stuff". Would it be a loud voice? Probably not. But it would always be there, she'd always wonder if I wanted her or the money. As it's set up now, she knows that my actions towards her (trying to R) have nothing to do with money and everything to do with repairing our relationship. The "incentives" are in the right place, IMHO, because of the prenup. Without it, she'd be financially incensed to leave, and I'd be the reverse, incensed to stay. And we'd both always wonder of the other's "real reason" for taking those actions.

[Overtaxed]

I am sorry but I would be very wary of congratulating yourself on getting her off "very easily" in comparison to her OM.

My assertion is that she is having "orgasms" to please you and that she is most likely faking it and always has done so.

Her "going through the motions" even in the midst of a hot affair I think signifies either she is lying about the EM sex, to make you feel better about yourself, or she does indeed have a very low desire for sex - Inhibited Sexual Desire: Factors, Diagnosis & Treatments

 

 

 

She told me the first time was "very different" with the OM. Upon further digging, it seems that it was basically really good for her. It just quickly went downhill after that. So I don't think she's lying, perhaps minimizing a bit, but I think we're to the point where she's done with most of the lies.

 

She has always had a very low desire for sex; from day 1 it's been an "issue" in our relationship. I read the article you provided, and yes, that does sound like her to some extent. She just doesn't "need" sex, not like I do (or some other women I've dated). I don't think it's something that's just with me, I think it's something about her (religious beliefs, sex is painful for her, she's not comfortable with expressing herself that way, etc).

 

As for the "easy orgasms", no, she's not faking it. She has orgasms easily, but she's told me in the past she has to "concentrate" to get them (join the club, so does everyone else). But no, I don't think she's faked many with me. She has toys that can do the job in 30 seconds if we let them; it's just never been an issue in our relationship; she has them easily, has multiples most of the time and has never, as far as I can remember, said "I give up, let's just go to bed". She's one of the easiest women I've ever been with in this respect to be completely frank, which is so odd when you contrast that with her low sex drive on the other side. If you can't orgasm, I can see not wanting to have sex. But if you can? And it's easy? IDK, just seems like a nice easy way to make yourself/your partner feel really good.

[AnneP]

I think in a more logical way as well. I'm also not a "normal" woman and realize that; it's probably the reason we never fought. We are alike in so many ways. We are both kind of nerdy and are also numbers people. I do realize we've had some major communication issues and we are both to blame. I hope you're able to find peace and are able to move on from this.

[AnneP]

Also, and know that I'm not making excuses for her behavior, but I have noticed some contradictory statements in what you've said regarding your wife and how she never had to sacrifice or give up anything in the marriage. She didn't help you build what you have, etc.

 

I noticed early in your posts you mentioned that she has been there from day one. You said that SHE was the one there who helped build your life together. I believe you said (paraphrasing) "we built our life together from the ground up"

 

You also said she didn't have to make sacrifices in order for your career to advance, however you later said she resents you for being so far away from her family. I asked you if moving away was a mutual decision or was it forced. You said it was kind of forced on her and it was because of your job. I would say that her moving 1,000 miles away from her family for YOUR CAREER, definitely falls under sacrifices made. She's clearly unhappy about this.

 

I'm guessing this will come out in counseling. I do think she has resentment about the sacrifices she's made for you and the fact that there is a pre-nup.

 

Whether you realize it or not, in her mind she has made real sacrifices. Is there a reason you two cannot fly to see her family once a month? Flights are not that expensive.

Edited February 2, 2017 by AnneP

[AnneP]

One last thing... regarding the polygraph. You're a logical person, sure you know pretty much everything from the electronic spying, but I'm curious why you had not considered this could have not been the first time she's done this? She isn't going to admit to you anything more than she has to. They never do. Read some stories on here; they all act the same. It's crazy.

[Overtaxed]

Also, and know that I'm not making excuses for her behavior, but I have noticed some contradictory statements in what you've said regarding your wife and how she never had to sacrifice or give up anything in the marriage. She didn't help you build what you have, etc.

 

I noticed early in your posts you mentioned that she has been there from day one. You said that SHE was the one there who helped build your life together. I believe you said (paraphrasing) "we built our life together from the ground up"

 

You also said she didn't have to make sacrifices in order for your career to advance, however you later said she resents you for being so far away from her family. I asked you if moving away was a mutual decision or was it forced. You said it was kind of forced on her and it was because of your job. I would say that her moving 1,000 miles away from her family for YOUR CAREER, definitely falls under sacrifices made. She's clearly unhappy about this.

 

I'm guessing this will come out in counseling. I do think she has resentment about the sacrifices she's made for you and the fact that there is a pre-nup.

 

Whether you realize it or not, in her mind she has made real sacrifices. Is there a reason you two cannot fly to see her family once a month? Flights are not that expensive.

 

Fair statements; let me give a little color. When we met, I was actively looking for a new job in a different area (Florida). She knew this, and, after a few months of dating, I landed a job; told her about it and asked her to move down with me. She was very happy/excited about it and happily left her job to come with me. Her job at the time, while stable, wasn't very good, and she quickly replaced it in the new area with something much higher level and better suited to her skills. Was this a sacrifice? Of course, on some levels it was. But, she was over the moon excited about it, couldn't wait to move and was thrilled with the area we were moving to. Yes, her family was/is far away and she's always been sad about that, but, at the same time, she's had a great life down here. Built a network of friends, advanced tremendously in her career and really "found herself" as a professional. I think I mentioned this, but we're getting ready to move again to SC, this move was "for her", she wanted to be closer to family and live in the country. So, yes, she sacrificed for me, now I'm doing the same for her, selling what I'd consider a "forever home" in FL to move to the "forever home" that she really wants. And I couldn't be more excited about it, so it's not like I'm holding it over her; it's just that was never my "dream".

 

Is she mad about the prenup? I don't really know, it was a point of contention when we got married, but, honestly, she's never brought it up even in passing since then. It's a crappy process to get a prenup, you basically are divorcing before you marry. Both people have to have attorneys, and there's a lot of legal wrangling going on. Not fun.

 

Let me be clear, I never intended to deprive her of the things we earned while we were together. The only real thing my prenup does is protect the things I brought into the marriage, protect whatever passes to me from my parents, and absolves any right of the other party to seek alimony for any reason. It also gives both of us the right to setup trusts and accounts that aren't "marital assets"; something I've never considered until this came barreling down on me.

[Overtaxed]

One last thing... regarding the polygraph. You're a logical person, sure you know pretty much everything from the electronic spying, but I'm curious why you had not considered this could have not been the first time she's done this? She isn't going to admit to you anything more than she has to. They never do. Read some stories on here; they all act the same. It's crazy.

 

Great, something new to worry about.

 

I don't think she's a serial. Looking back, it was so obvious what was going on, if it had happened before, I'd assume the same behaviors would have shown, and they hadn't. I mentioned it before, but I felt like I was living in bizzaro world. We'd go out to dinner, have a great time, come home, have sex, and then lay in bed and talk about divorce. We'd fly up to see our new home, review plans with our contractor, spend a few nights in hotels/hiking/etc, and then talk about separation of assets on the flight home. I'm telling you, I thought I was a crazy person, on one hand, we're planning our future, having deep conversations and intimacy (although, to be fair, the intimacy was "off") and then, on the other, talking about who was going to live where after we divorced. She was detached one minute, and totally engaged the next.

 

I don't think a polygraph is necessary anymore, if she kept lying, yeah, I probably would have eventually gotten there. But as the walls came down the other night, I started to believe that I was finally getting the whole story, especially since some of the things she told me (that were very hurtful and absolutely things she'd lie about) I didn't know before from my electronic snooping.

[AnneP]

Has STD testing (for both of you) occurred yet? The OM's wife said this wasn't the first time he's done this. If you haven't gotten tested yet, please do ASAP. Just read how a BS found out his WS was sleeping with a man who has herpes. He could very likely have it too as he, like you, continued to sleep with his wife.

 

Not everyone is responsible and thinks about the consequences. I had STD testing done before I entered the relationship I was in during my separation. The person I was seeing did as well. I know I'm clean, but don't you want to know???

[AnneP]

Also, I know she says they used condoms, but you might not be getting the entire truth. Hell, that BS's wife said that she never had sex with him. That's a lie.

[Overtaxed]

Also, I know she says they used condoms, but you might not be getting the entire truth. Hell, that BS's wife said that she never had sex with him. That's a lie.

 

She's offered to get a test, I think I'll take her up on it.

 

As far as condoms, I'm pretty sure it's true. She showed me where she kept them, where she bought them, the brand, how many she used. I'm 90% confident it's true, because, without going into too much detail, it would be incredibly risky for my wife to have sex with someone without a condom; we both have a communicable and incurable STD that has visible symptoms (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, I just don't want to be too blunt). I got it from her, she got it from her cheating ex-boyfriend. Ironic, huh? <sigh>

[AnneP]

She's offered to get a test, I think I'll take her up on it.

 

As far as condoms, I'm pretty sure it's true. She showed me where she kept them, where she bought them, the brand, how many she used. I'm 90% confident it's true, because, without going into too much detail, it would be incredibly risky for my wife to have sex with someone without a condom; we both have a communicable and incurable STD that has visible symptoms (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, I just don't want to be too blunt). I got it from her, she got it from her cheating ex-boyfriend. Ironic, huh? <sigh>

 

Please do get tested. I managed an internal medicine practice for many years and you would be surprised how many people were given STDs from their spouses. Luckily, many can be cured quickly by an antibiotic but you need to know what you're dealing with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anne, you mentioned in your last but one post that you and the man you were dating had yourselves tested for STDs while you were separated from your husband. That would imply that you were having sex. Was dating others something that you had both agreed on while separating or was it something you did unilaterally? I thought that separation is just that, not a divorce where you are single again. Separation with no divorce means you are still married to each other so really speaking your vows still bind you together. On top of that you are as you say a Christian and I would think that would go against the grain for me as I would be breaking my vows just as a cheating spouse does. I am sure there is a reasonable explanation for this if you would like to clarify. I am sorry if I am impinging on your privacy and if that be the case feel free to ignore this post. Thanks.

[AnneP]

Hi Anne, you mentioned in your last but one post that you and the man you were dating had yourselves tested for STDs while you were separated from your husband. That would imply that you were having sex. Was dating others something that you had both agreed on while separating or was it something you did unilaterally? I thought that separation is just that, not a divorce where you are single again. Separation with no divorce means you are still married to each other so really speaking your vows still bind you together. On top of that you are as you say a Christian and I would think that would go against the grain for me as I would be breaking my vows just as a cheating spouse does. I am sure there is a reasonable explanation for this if you would like to clarify. I am sorry if I am impinging on your privacy and if that be the case feel free to ignore this post. Thanks.

 

Yes, we were both free to see whomever we wanted. He knew about the person I was seeing as it was a long distance relationship and I was completely honest with him.

 

Yes: religion has caused major guilt for me.

[Overtaxed]

Yes, we were both free to see whomever we wanted. He knew about the person I was seeing as it was a long distance relationship and I was completely honest with him.

 

Yes: religion has caused major guilt for me.

 

Do you feel that religion has had a negative impact on your marital sex life (sorry, don't want to turn this into a thread about you, but this is very relevant to my situation, so, if you feel comfortable answering, I'm eager to hear it). I think this has been a major stumbling block with my wife and somehow, she stills feels guilty about sex, even though we're married. Yes, I know, that doesn't line up at all with her actions during the affair, but I do think she's carrying major sex/guilt issues around with her.

[AnneP]

Do you feel that religion has had a negative impact on your marital sex life (sorry, don't want to turn this into a thread about you, but this is very relevant to my situation, so, if you feel comfortable answering, I'm eager to hear it). I think this has been a major stumbling block with my wife and somehow, she stills feels guilty about sex, even though we're married. Yes, I know, that doesn't line up at all with her actions during the affair, but I do think she's carrying major sex/guilt issues around with her.

 

Absolutely not. I even mentioned earlier in this thread that it's my belief that God wouldn't have made it so pleasurable if we weren't meant to enjoy it.

 

Also, I had a sex drive like a man when we met and that lasted for most of our relationship - including both pregnancies.