Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[CaliforniaGirl]

Thats one of the many problems with reconciliation. Life is hard enough as is, the thought of a betrayed spouse having to put in so much work is extremely off-putting. Its like, "hey husband I crossed the line andhad an affair, now help me clean up the mess I've made" Thats bull****

 

It is and it isn't. Not defending BSs, and I'm not one, but OTOH, affairs don't just generally happen out of nowhere. As much as we want to demonize the WS (since after all, it IS reprehensible to cheat), how often does this sort of stuff happen in a vacuum? If someone goes wandering, and again, no, NOT justifying this as "okay," but...usually it's after a period of disconnection between the two spouses. SOMETHING'S wrong there already. Even after the WS is outed and thoroughly chastised, those problems are still there, guaranteed.

[zeeohsixer]

Thank you for the kind words, they are very helpful. I've read everything that was posted and it has been very good for me, I will share it with my wife tonight.

 

I have no intention of the revenge affair. I just don't see any good that can come of that. Surprisingly (maybe it hasn't happened yet), my self-image, while damaged, has not taken that much of a hit. I'm a very logical person; a numbers guy. I know that most marriages will hit this bump, and I'm trying to process it as something that's more about 2 people having problems than it is about a personal failing. It's working so far, wish me luck!

I am too. 50% of marriages fail, so you were just as likely to end up divorced.

[sandylee1]

Sorry you find yourself here. I see most of the guys are telling you to move on.

 

I find so many betrayed spouses who discover an affair say it was so out of character for the person.

 

What was your wife's response to you discovering the affair?

 

Do you feel that she's remorseful?

 

Does she want to stay married to you? Is she putting in the work to reconcile so far?

 

The whole her having a lower sex drive thing, isn't a surprise.

 

The dynamics of affairs are full of adoration and fantasy.... They share stolen moments so they have to be really nice to each other in that time.

 

They have to stroke each other's egos to keep it going. That's not how real long-term relationships are.

 

In your case, you have a wife who wants to have a child. I'm not sure why you both weren't on the same page before marriage, but I'd let her go and see if she can find another man to have a baby with.

 

She'll only resent you for not being on board. I've got a friend in your situation actually. He has grown up children from his first marriage and didn't want anymore.

 

When his wife cheated, he told me she's always been a bit selfish and that's also why he didn't want kids with her. But she blames him for not allowing her the opportunity to be a mum.

 

Now back to you ... You're a 40 year old, well to do guy. I don't see you having any problems finding someone else, who is more sexually compatible with you and will be faithful.

 

It's never the same after infidelity.

[Try]

Wife's psych recommended no sex, which, being that I verge on hypersexual, is like another thumb in the eye, but I'm doing my best to abide by her recommendation.

Most psychs have little to no training in infidelity and give advice by applying concepts that are not appropriate to the affair situation. This appears to be the situation here with her psych. Also, your wife is paying the bills to this psych. If your wife wanted to have sex with you, the psych would give advice that goes along with that too.

 

Your wife freely gave sex to the other man (OM) in your own home while at the same time denying you sex. Now that the affair has been exposed, and she is to cut off giving sex to the OM, she gets to use the psych as cover in still denying you sex, thus putting you on the same footing sexually as the OM. There seems to be no advantage to you being her husband over being any other guy, accept that as her husband you have to pay her bills. How about you telling her that you want to divorce her, but that you want to remain friends, because at the end of the day, that is all you are to her.

[Overtaxed]

I don't said this many times, none of us thought our spouses were capable of these things or we most likely wouldn't have married them. You need to let your perception of her go and deal with the real person standing in your living room. My perception of my wife made reconciliation impossible. I struggled too much with how I could not believe she did it, doing this hinders your ability to accept it actually happened, and causes a need on your part to minimize her actions, which you do alot here so far

 

Guilty as charged.

[Overtaxed]

Most psychs have little to no training in infidelity and give advice by applying concepts that are not appropriate to the affair situation. This appears to be the situation here with her psych. Also, your wife is paying the bills to this psych. If your wife wanted to have sex with you, the psych would give advice that goes along with that too.

 

Your wife freely gave sex to the other man (OM) in your own home while at the same time denying you sex. Now that the affair has been exposed, and she is to cut off giving sex to the OM, she gets to use the psych as cover in still denying you sex, thus putting you on the same footing sexually as the OM. There seems to be no advantage to you being her husband over being any other guy, accept that as her husband you have to pay her bills. How about you telling her that you want to divorce her, but that you want to remain friends, because at the end of the day, that is all you are to her.

 

Sex has been a persistent problem in our relationship. I think that's part of where the psych is coming from. However, I do deeply wonder if she's not trying to get the wife to make a clean break, it seems very counterintiuitive to stop having sex now, pushing both of us back into our "corners". I know that the more time that passes, the more resentful I become, that's for sure.

[Try]

I am too. 50% of marriages fail, so you were just as likely to end up divorced.

Although half of all marraiges fail, 2/3rds of married people will never get divorced. People with multiple divorces account for the discrepancy. The OP appears to be good marriage material that takes his vows seriously. That is why even though his wife as not meeting his sexual needs he did not cheat. The OP's wife on the other hand is not good marriage material which is why there may be a divorce. The divorce would thus be all on the OP's wife, meaning that the odds of the OP not getting a divorce the second time around are better than they are with this marriage.

 

No kids, good prenup, still young enough, makes good money, has not let himself go, no sex with current wife, and no real remorse from the wife. Tell me again why he should stay in this marriage?

[Overtaxed]

Inline

 

Sorry you find yourself here. I see most of the guys are telling you to move on.

Yes, and I'm thankful for it, not because it's the right or wrong answer, but because it's another viewpoint (which I desperately need right now).

 

What was your wife's response to you discovering the affair?

She came home from work and we talked for most of the day. It was emotional but "detached", I think for both of us. I felt like I was watching it from 1000 feet away, like it wasn't real.

 

Do you feel that she's remorseful?

Somewhat. I don't think she's really accepted the gravity of what she's done. Forget the moral side of things, just the way her life would change financially tomorrow if I walked out would send her into complete turmoil (her car costs more than her entire yearly salary, to give you an idea).

 

Does she want to stay married to you? Is she putting in the work to reconcile

so

far?

She says she does. And we've had some pretty raw and tender conversations about it. But, she's still so adrift, it's like she's living in a fog and can't really take any actions. I'm an "action" person in a crisis, as soon as I found out, I started taking measures, both actions (moving money, reviewing timelines) and education (devouring books, talking to others anonymously, etc). She's never been like that, so I don't attribute this to "not trying", but I also don't think she fully realizes what she's done. If I had to describe it, she's "shell shocked". Looks fine physically, but I'm not sure if it's all there upstairs yet.

 

The whole her having a lower sex drive thing, isn't a surprise.

Yeah, tell me about it. It's the only thing my guy friends talk about.

 

 

The dynamics of affairs are full of adoration and fantasy.... They share stolen moments

so

they have to be really nice to each other in that time.

 

They have to stroke each other's egos to keep it going. That's not how real long-term relationships are.

 

In your case, you have a wife who wants to have a child. I'

m

not sure why you both weren't on the same page before marriage, but I'd let her go and see if she can find another man to have a baby with.

 

She'll only resent you for not being on board. I've got a friend in your situation actually. He has grown up children from his first marriage and didn't want anymore.

 

When his wife cheated, he told me she's always been a bit selfish and that's also why he didn't want kids with her. But she blames him for not allowing her the opportunity to be a mum.

 

Now back to you ... You're a 40 year

old

, well to do guy. I don't see you having any problems finding someone else, who is more sexually compatible with you and will be faithful.

 

It's never the same after infidelity.

 

Its really hard, because, even though I'm not afraid of being able to find someone else, I really want her. I know that's sappy, and I'm probably going to take flak for it, but it's the truth. I didn't not want kids with her, I just don't want kids, I've heard the horror stories, no need to go there myself. And, OMG, if we had kids right now? I have no idea how some of you have made it, you're far stronger than I am.

 

One thing I'm thankful for, I spoke to the AP's wife and I think the "fantasy" came crashing down for my wife after that conversation. He, predictably, blamed the entire thing on her, she's been pursuing him for years, she initiated it, blah, blah.. She was a willing party, of that I have no question, but the way he trashed her to his wife, I think, helped her realize that he was only interested in sex and was "playing her" (badly, I might add).

 

My wife does want a child, but, thing is, there's almost no chance (physically) she can have one. She's almost my age, she has serious reproductive issues, I have my own reproductive issues. It's about as likely as me leaving tonight, going to the bar and meeting my next wife who happens to be a VS supermodel. (Sorry, I need some humor). So yes, she can be sad, upset and disappointed, it's not going to help her have a child. But I do think this was a huge part of it, I can be very cold and clinical, and probably wasn't exactly "Mr. Wonderful" when it came to explaining the reality to her. I suspect she's associated me with "The reason she can't have a baby" even though it's very likely the real problem has nothing to do with me at all.

 

Finally, can you please tell me a bit more about why it's never the same? Trust issues? Remembering the past? Something else? Some things I can see myself getting over easily, others.. I don't see the path, but it's still a very new wound, so I don't want to jump to conclusions.

[ShatteredLady]

I know that I appear like the only little reconciliation voice here (which is a bit strange if you read my story) but you seem incredibly rational. You have a LOT of very long, very real history in your marriage. Your wife seems to be starting to 'get-it', please note that NO wayward understands the real magnitude of what they've done, let alone knows remorse at the start.....

 

I don't know...I think you guys stand a chance, I really do. That's a lot of life to throw away. Some couples reconcile very well.

 

I'm not a strong believer in "nothing will ever be the same again!". It takes a long time but I KNOW that when my husband had an affair with his coworker 12 years ago, I did!! I completely got over it. Totally. If he hadn't done it AGAIN, with the SAME OW, I would be here saying how wonderful our marriage is!! How reconciliation is the best thing since sliced bread!

 

I'm bitter & cynical but I'm still a hapless romantic at heart. If you TRULY love each other why not? I know, I know, of course I could give you a long list of why not but you're not me & your wife IS NOT my passive aggressive, "please stroke my ego" husband!

[Overtaxed]

I know that I appear like the only little reconciliation voice here (which is a bit strange if you read my story) but you seem incredibly rational. You have a LOT of very long, very real history in your marriage. Your wife seems to be starting to 'get-it', please note that NO wayward understands the real magnitude of what they've done, let alone knows remorse at the start.....

 

I don't know...I think you guys stand a chance, I really do. That's a lot of life to throw away. Some couples reconcile very well.

 

I'm not a strong believer in "nothing will ever be the same again!". It takes a long time but I KNOW that when my husband had an affair with his coworker 12 years ago, I did!! I completely got over it. Totally. If he hadn't done it AGAIN, with the SAME OW, I would be here saying how wonderful our marriage is!! How reconciliation is the best thing since sliced bread!

 

I'm bitter & cynical but I'm still a hapless romantic at heart. If you TRULY love each other why not? I know, I know, of course I could give you a long list of why not but you're not me & your wife IS NOT my passive aggressive, "please stroke my ego" husband!

 

I'm rational to a fault. I work in IT, I'm around guys who live in the world of logic all day, and I have a very, very difficult time getting in touch with my emotions (which has made this, I won't say harder; but the hardest thing I've ever dealt with). The rational part of me, coupled with my younger "free spirit" attitude towards sex (I've had far more partners than I care to admit, many more than my wife) let's me brush off some of this as "just sex". But, I know it was more than that, and I know the problems are bigger than some tryst in the sheets one night.

 

You really nailed it, the "history" is filling me with pain when I consider leaving. We met with nothing (literally) and, ~15 years later.. Well, if you'd told me when we met where I'd be today, I would have told you that you need to lay off the drugs. And the thing that fills me with dread; perhaps prematurely, when I consider leaving is both how to trust someone again (sexually), but also how to trust that someone even cares for me and not the material stuff. I know she loved me for me, with money, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to figure that out again.

 

IDK, thank you everyone for letting me vent, as you can tell, I'm still in shock/disbelief and not thinking clearly. I'm not going to do anything for awhile, I don't want to make either decision hastily and, frankly, I think a lot of it depends on her more than me. She's making some "right" moves (transparency on phone/e-mail/etc) and some wrong moves (I'm not sure what I want/the no sex thing/defending the AP's motives). I guess we'll just have to see how things shape up over the next few weeks and continually re-evaluate. One thing, this "no sex" BS has to stop, as others advised, it's ridiculous, especially when you asked me, 4 weeks ago, what my number 1 problem in our marriage was, I'd say "sex".

[BoaConstrictor]

I also think there's hope for reconciliation here. I'm not sure why everyone is almost exclusively calling for divorce.

 

I wanted to address the issue of being shell shocked or the appearance of a lack of regret or remorse. In my marriage we're dealing with a short emotional affair I had. Never met the guy, so my husband definitely doesn't have to worry about whether or not it became physical. Anyway, he frequently says to me that "I just don't seem to get it." I imagine that's a similar thing that you feel about your wife.

 

I'm in therapy, and one thing I'm realizing is that my strict religious background didn't do me any favors in terms of dealing with guilt or remorse. It created a large echo chamber inside of me when it came to "sin." I put sin in quotations marks because I have moved away from much of that. But regardless, the old ways remain in my head, and I think what's happening with me is that my own spiraling internal guilt and self-loathing which are fueled by my religious upbringing are shorting my ability to empathize with my husband. It's almost like the pressure inside my head is so intense that when I'm faced with legitimate criticism and expressions of frustration or hurt from my husband, I can't handle it. So I go silent. And once in a while I get defensive, mainly because I then attribute what's going on in my head to my husband, as if he is the cause of it, which is unfair.

 

Anyway, clearly I don't know your wife, but that might be what's going on.

 

And the reasons why she entered into an affair are still there, even though the affair has ended. I'm still working through all the reasons why I sought companionship outside my marriage. There will be people on here who assert very simple reasons for affairs, the main being that she only cares about herself. It doesn't sound like you think that about your wife, otherwise I'm not sure why you'd want to stay married to her. My husband also doesn't accept that narrative either. Clearly I've behaved selfishly. Your wife has too. But if through therapy she can find out why and work on it, then I think you have a chance.

 

And I'm with you. I've been with my husband 14 years. The companionship and the layers upon layers of history we have is worth saving, if at all possible. Plus, in our case we have kids.

 

I don't think you're weak or foolish because you want to save the marriage, even if you could find a new wife pretty easily.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Overtaxed]

Although half of all marraiges fail, 2/3rds of married people will never get divorced. People with multiple divorces account for the discrepancy. The OP appears to be good marriage material that takes his vows seriously. That is why even though his wife as not meeting his sexual needs he did not cheat. The OP's wife on the other hand is not good marriage material which is why there may be a divorce. The divorce would thus be all on the OP's wife, meaning that the odds of the OP not getting a divorce the second time around are better than they are with this marriage.

 

No kids, good prenup, still young enough, makes good money, has not let himself go, no sex with current wife, and no real remorse from the wife. Tell me again why he should stay in this marriage?

 

LOL, since you put it that way. I think everyone here knows the answer, and it's the least logical and without explanation; but I love her. That is truly the one and the only reason to try to make this work. It's not for the kids, it's not for the money, it's not because I can't "do better" or, put more gently, find someone else. I love her. And, sick as it is, instead of feeling like extracting vengeance (which, oh my, could I; this was a work thing, company time/resources were misused, the prenup, the scorned wife, I could destroy her world with a few well place e-mails and watch it burn around her) I'm afraid of hurting her. How sick is that?? She didn't care at all about hurting me, and I'm sitting here worrying about how she's doing with it and will she be OK. <sigh> I'm sure others have felt something similar, but it's so twisted.

[Marc878]

My friend you are like many. You love who she is in your mind. Obviously that's not who she really is.

 

Use your logic. Tear her off the pedestal you've put her on and take a real good look at WHO she really is.

[Overtaxed]

And the reasons why she entered into an affair are still there, even though the affair has ended. I'm still working through all the reasons why I sought companionship outside my marriage. There will be people on here who assert very simple reasons for affairs, the main being that she only cares about herself. It doesn't sound like you think that about your wife, otherwise I'm not sure why you'd want to stay married to her. My husband also doesn't accept that narrative either. Clearly I've behaved selfishly. Your wife has too. But if through therapy she can find out why and work on it, then I think you have a chance.

 

And I'm with you. I've been with my husband 14 years. The companionship and the layers upon layers of history we have is worth saving, if at all possible. Plus, in our case we have kids.

 

I don't think you're weak or foolish because you want to save the marriage, even if you could find a new wife pretty easily.

 

Yeah, that narrative does not fit her. I no way can I twist what's happened here into "she's just selfish". She's not. Did she ACT selfish during her affair? Oh, without question, to a level I didn't know she was capable of. While I was working hard to make things better in our marriage, she was either with or talking with another man; it's hard to get more selfish than that. But that's not her at all (except for a 3-4 months out of 14 years), one of the big reasons that I was so unprepared for it, I frankly didn't think she had it in her. And, there's not many (some, but not many) girls I've seriously dated through the years I've ever thought that about. I was totally blind to the signs not because I didn't think she would, I honestly didn't think she COULD do it.

 

I know I keep harping on it, but, I suspect the result of therapy will be that she acted like this because she felt I was being selfish about children and needed to do something "for herself" to prove that she was still her own person. Not that it's an excuse, but it's a reason, and I suspect that's what it is. Listen, I'm no peach, and want to be careful not to portray myself as such. I'm a very sexual person, I have a wandering eye (but know myself well enough to avoid possible situations where things can escalate), I can be very cold to people and sadly, I'm smart enough to know that all these actions hurt people and I do it anyway. So, simply put, I'm not perfect and things I did absolutely served to push her away, but that does not excuse her landing with another man beside her.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[WilyWill]

I'm no psychologist, but I've seen this happen time and time again: Something goes wrong with childbearing, and the woman finds another man to mate with. The "something wrong" can be infertility, a miscarriage, or the birth of a special needs child. I suppose it's possible that this happens just because of the stress these events might put on a marriage, but I've often wondered if there's not something more primitive at play: perhaps a deep-rooted emotion that would be expressed like "man #1 could not create viable children, so I will try with man #2". I haven't seen childbearing issues cause men to cheat (I'm sure men have their own wacky primitive reasons), but these reproduction issues seem to be a catalyst for female cheating. Maybe it's something she can explore with her therapist.

 

In any case, you should take your time and determine what's right for you. You're still very early on in this and you might find that you feel entirely differently next week. It's possible that you will soon enter the "anger" stage.

[Overtaxed]

My friend you are like many. You love who she is in your mind. Obviously that's not who she really is.

 

Use your logic. Tear her off the pedestal you've put her on and take a real good look at WHO she really is.

 

I'm trying. And failing miserably. There's just no logic that applies here; honestly, I might feel better if I found out this was a string of affairs for the past 10 years, because, at least then, I'd know, she has to go. But logic tells me that the years we spent together before this happened aren't all a lie, nobody is good enough to wear a "mask" for that long. I just don't know what to think; she's obviously NOT the person I thought she was. But how do you square that with the years of good deeds she's done, was it all an act? These are the fundamental questions I'm struggling with. Well, that and the sick feeling I get whenever I picture them together sexually, that's a pretty fundamental problem too.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Try]

Finally, can you please tell me a bit more about why it's never the same? Trust issues? Remembering the past? Something else? Some things I can see myself getting over easily, others.. I don't see the path, but it's still a very new wound, so I don't want to jump to conclusions.

The reason "why it's never the same" after an affair is for many reasons (some that you named), but the main reason is the lack of trust. You will never get that 100% back. In marriage it is suppose to be you as a couple against the world where you know for sure that your spouse has your back. You know for sure that your happiness is important to them. You know for sure that they are making long term life plans that include you. Most important of all, you know for sure that if they say something it is true. You can take it to the bank with your life.

 

Once they cheat you will never get 100% trust back. When they cheat, they are required to lie to you about everything. Her telling you that she just did not feel like having sex today, knowing full well that she was planning to have sex with the other man (OM) that same day, was a lie as she did feel like having sex today, just not with you. When you asked her a simple question such as "what did you do today?", she did not tell you that she had the OM over to the house like she would if she had a friend over, she instead lied and told you that she did something else or nothing. There were many daily lies that she told you during the affair. Lies that she shared with the OM, as he enjoyed the ego boost of having another man's wife lie to her husband for him, and as she let him have sex with her in the marital home.

 

My father and mother seemed to have the perfect marriage. They loved each other very much. That is why when my dad cheated on my mom, she tried for years to make it work. The problem was that from the moment she discovered the affair, she stopped trusting anything he said as a given, and she stopped thinking like a member of a couple and started to think as an individual. As their child I could see this clear as day. They were never the same after the affair, and after a number of agonizing years, they ended up divorced. The irony of it was that when she first moved for divorce, he was more than fair with her in the divorce because he acknowledged that he was to blame, but after she dropped the divorce to give him a second chance, after a few years he wanted her to stop talking about it because in his mind it was ancient history. When she finally realized that it would never be the same with him and filed for divorce again years later, he felt that she was to blame for the divorce because she kept bringing the past affair up. He fought her tooth and nail the second time that she filed for divorce, because now he felt that he was the victim.

[aileD]

Just because here's "almost no chance" of her carrying a child it doesn't mean she still doesn't want one, would be will omg to adopt or do IVF or a surrogate.

 

You are fluffing over this issue.

 

I don't think you understand a woman's drive to have a child. Admittedly not all women have that drive but the ones that do, you just feel it is part of you. That a part of you is missing. You are not whole.

 

I have two kids and I felt strongly there wa a third destined for us. It was part of my soul, I knew there was another life that would complete our family. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage....after that I didn't feel that way anymore, felt even though the wasn't successful that I still had that child and there were no more meant for us.

 

You need to have a serious conversation. Don't make nothing of it since it's not that important to you. Her unhappiness in this area can be subconscious and sill over into other areas like having an affair ...searching constantly for "happiness" to fill the emptiness of not being a mother

[BoaConstrictor]

But that's not her at all (except for a 3-4 months out of 14 years), one of the big reasons that I was so unprepared for it, I frankly didn't think she had it in her. And, there's not many (some, but not many) girls I've seriously dated through the years I've ever thought that about. I was totally blind to the signs not because I didn't think she would, I honestly didn't think she COULD do it.

 

I know I keep harping on it, but, I suspect the result of therapy will be that she acted like this because she felt I was being selfish about children and needed to do something "for herself" to prove that she was still her own person. Not that it's an excuse, but it's a reason, and I suspect that's what it is.

 

It sounds like a viable theory, though you might be surprised what comes out in therapy. I have been surprised both for myself and for some of the things I've learned about my husband. He likes to call himself a "simple man" in terms of feelings. He's not in IT but he is definitely less emotional, although far from clinical. Yet this situation has challenged him in ways he hasn't expected in terms of his self-esteem and an overall needy feeling that hits him quite regularly. I know he hates it, but I hope that good things will emerge from all this, including a greater depth to our relationship due to him being unfairly forced to come to grips with his emotional side.

 

I am also someone who you wouldn't expect to do cheat. Not necessarily the last woman in the room, but still. Ultimately I think anyone is capable of it under the right (or should I say wrong) circumstances. That's why I reject any blanket categorization of "cheaters" and "non-cheaters." Sure, at one point in time there's the cheater and the cheated-on, but everyone is capable of it. In fact, those who don't recognize the capability within themselves (I would never, ever cheat) are possibly more vulnerable to it happening.

 

Is it possible that she was tired of being the "good girl"? That's another possibility. Due to this, I've had to reassess my views of "good" and "bad" and how my dualistic views have been harmful to my psyche.

[Overtaxed]

Her telling you that she just did not feel like having sex today, knowing full well that she was planning to have sex with the other man (OM) that same day, was a lie as she did feel like having sex today, just not with you. When you asked her a simple question such as "what did you do today?", she did not tell you that she had the OM over to the house like she would if she had a friend over, she instead lied and told you that she did something else or nothing. There were many daily lies that she told you during the affair. Lies that she shared with the OM, as he enjoyed the ego boost of having another man's wife lie to her husband for him, and as she let him have sex with her in the marital home.

 

Wow, that was an eyeopener. And now I feel as if I could puke again. It's stuff like this that I want to get out there NOW though, so, thank you for that. The last thing I want to do is decide to take her back and have this thought come in unwelcome in a year or 2 years. I want to pull as much of the pain forward and see if I can take it or not. If I can't, punch out; if I can, then I have another decision to make (is it worth taking this much pain). Thanks for the gut punch (seriously), that's given me something to chew on while I go beat the h**l out of my body exercising.

 

The one positive, I'm pretty sure I've never been in better shape, I was already working out excessively as the affair was going on because I could tell my marriage was in trouble and it gave me time to think. Now that I know why it's in trouble! Well, let's put it this way, I should probably consider taking up racing I'm riding so much and so hard.

[sandylee1]

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, can you please tell me a bit more about why it's never the same? Trust issues? Remembering the past? Something else? Some things I can see myself getting over easily, others.. I don't see the path, but it's still a very new wound, so I don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

Although never the same, it doesn't mean you can't make it work.

 

Yes, trust issues are a big factor, especially where you say it's out of character for her.

 

The feeling of will it happen again.

 

You'll have triggers down the line..... Things that remind you of the affair and they hurt you.

 

Reconciliation is tough, but much depends on your willingness to forgive and her ability to work her backside off to show she is worthy of a second chance to be your wife.

 

I've seen couples have very successful reconciliations post infidelity, but I reiterate that forgiveness and hard work from her mostly, but you are necessary.

 

Can I ask why the issue of children was never discussed pre marriage? You're saying reproductive issues on both sides, but you're very clear you don't want children.

 

Did you make this clear before you got married? Because no matter how much you're saying the issues are with both of you, if she still deep down believes, that things would be different if you wanted kids, she's still going to hold on to that, which could hinder the relationship going forward.

 

The reality is more that age isn't on her side for having kids.

 

If you reach the point of having MC, you need to resolve this. A type of therapy that would be helpful for you in MC, is emotionally focused therapy, EFT).

 

Not to detract from the cheating, because child or no child, having an affair was never the solution.

 

One thing I would say, is that forgiving without making demands/ or setting boundaries, can come over as weak. As though leaving wasn't ever a consideration for you.

 

I'm not against reconciliation, though or depends on certain things, but my expectations of the WS would be very high.

[Overtaxed]

I am also someone who you wouldn't expect to do cheat. Not necessarily the last woman in the room, but still. Ultimately I think anyone is capable of it under the right (or should I say wrong) circumstances. That's why I reject any blanket categorization of "cheaters" and "non-cheaters." Sure, at one point in time there's the cheater and the cheated-on, but everyone is capable of it. In fact, those who don't recognize the capability within themselves (I would never, ever cheat) are possibly more vulnerable to it happening.

 

Is it possible that she was tired of being the "good girl"? That's another possibility. Due to this, I've had to reassess my views of "good" and "bad" and how my dualistic views have been harmful to my psyche.

 

I would put her into that category, the "I could NEVER". And I agree with you, i think she was oblivious to the possibility. Doesn't excuse it of course.

 

I, however, and firmly in the other category. I love the attention of women. I'm highly sexed. And am very in touch with the fact that I "could" easily fall off the wagon. Because of that, I'm always on guard, so much so that it's probably hurt my career (not being willing to go out with the "guys" when I travel).

 

That's an interesting hypothesis, I don't see it, but it could be. Her entire life has been "good girl", maybe this was an act of rebellion.

[Mr. Lucky]

One thing I'm thankful for, I spoke to the AP's wife and I think the "fantasy" came crashing down for my wife after that conversation. He, predictably, blamed the entire thing on her, she's been pursuing him for years, she initiated it, blah, blah..

 

Just as her AP is putting his own spin on the version he's telling his wife, so is your wife revising her story to fit her needs. I'd guess she's less shell-shocked and more seeking space to figure out what she wants to say.

 

Give her enough time, you'll be the perp and she the victim :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Overtaxed]

Just as her AP is putting his own spin on the version he's telling his wife, so is your wife revising her story to fit her needs. I'd guess she's less shell-shocked and more seeking space to figure out what she wants to say.

 

Give her enough time, you'll be the perp and she the victim :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That won't be happening. If I don't get a description of events (I hesitate to use the word confession, but that's really it) that makes sense and lines up with what I already know (e-mails/txts/etc), we're done. Trust will never be restored, and frankly, I can't ever forgive her if I don't know what I'm forgiving her for. My forgiveness will be meaningless and the scar will never heal. Note that I'm not looking for the gory details; but, who pursued who, why did you go back to the hotel room, who paid for the room (pretty sure it was him unless she used cash), who had the condom.. These details need to be answered and need to be answered with an answer that's in line with what I already know or that's it. It's actually a bit of a silver lining, because I work in IT and all my morals went out the window when I found out, I dumped everything, her phone, computers, e-mail accounts. All of it. And I already know the answer to most of the questions that she'd be most likely to lie about. So it'll be easier for me to re-establish trust because I'm not going to wonder if she's holding things back (as much, there are still some fuzzy details).

[Overtaxed]

Can I ask why the issue of children was never discussed pre marriage? You're saying reproductive issues on both sides, but you're very clear you don't want children.

 

Did you make this clear before you got married? Because no matter how much you're saying the issues are with both of you, if she still deep down believes, that things would be different if you wanted kids, she's still going to hold on to that, which could hinder the relationship going forward.

 

The reality is more that age isn't on her side for having kids.

 

If you reach the point of having MC, you need to resolve this. A type of therapy that would be helpful for you in MC, is emotionally focused therapy, EFT).

 

Not to detract from the cheating, because child or no child, having an affair was never the solution.

 

One thing I would say, is that forgiving without making demands/ or setting boundaries, can come over as weak. As though leaving wasn't ever a consideration for you.

 

I'm not against reconciliation, though or depends on certain things, but my expectations of the WS would be very high.

 

I agree, and I'm afraid of appearing weak (to be completely frank). I'm comforted by the fact that she knows I hold all the cards, so right now she's kind of hanging in the wind. And, also, I really don't want to abuse her; she has to know what she did was wrong, and she has to know I'm willing to leave, but, beyond that, I'm hesitant to get on the mountain and throw lightning bolts. But there will be demands, there are already boundaries set (monitoring is setup on everything) and I'm doing my best to temper my anger and love; two totally opposed forces that I've never had for the same person in anywhere near this intensity.

 

We did have the "kid" discussion before marriage. LONG before actually. We agreed to disagree (I know, looking back, not the right move) and decided that loving each other would make the answer clear. It didn't. We just kept moving apart, me more away from children, her more towards it. But, and this is the part of me that I just don't understand, she's 37 years old. As you said, time is not on her side. She's got serious reproductive issues. The absolute best chance she has for having a child is to stay with me, change my mind and use the money we have to pay for IVF. Absent that, use the money to adopt a child. Put another way, if I walk out, the dream of a biological child, almost for sure, walks with me. And the adoption is really hard as a single woman who's not independently wealthy. Of course, this is the logical side of my brain, and I know children aren't a decision that's driven from there, so that's not the right way to think about it. But it's hard for me to imagine that, in her mind, the best way to have a child was to do this. If I don't forgive her, that's pretty much the end for her (chances of meeting a guy, him having the money for IVF and wanting kids, getting married and into IVF in time; in my eyes, near 0%).

 

Sorry, that was the cold and clinical side of me (and perhaps your starting to get an insight into what she dislikes), but, that's how I think of things.