Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Jooles]

Sounds like you are in a much better place, and all the things you are feeling are to be expected. I read it takes a full two years to heal from infidelity. Those "mind movies" during intimate times must be difficult. Try and control those thoughts by allotting yourself 5 minutes a day/week/month to consciously think about them, turn them over in your mind, and when the 5 minutes are up, close up that little box and put it away.

 

I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer, but you may be having a bit of a honeymoon phase. New stage in the relationship, new home, new town, etc. Be on the lookout for changes in your wife's positive attitude once the newness of all that wears off. Regardless, your head is on straight, and you will be able to deal with whatever happens down this road.

 

Life is short- remember to be happy and do things that bring you joy!

[Cephalopod]

Sounds like a pretty complete rug sweep to me. She made out good. No consequences at all.

[Overtaxed]

Sounds like a pretty complete rug sweep to me. She made out good. No consequences at all.

 

Well, I'm not sure what the other option is. Yell at her every night? Tell her to get out? Have my own A?

 

What consequences can you really impose on a spouse you want to R with? She knows I have access to everything, she knows I'm watching her like a hawk. She knows there will be no 2nd chances.

 

I'm just not sure where the line is between "trying to R" and "trying to make the other person suffer as much as you have". Sure, I could go out one night when she's away, bring home a girl, video tape it, and sent it to my wife the D papers. But if the goal is "R", I'm not sure where the line is between rug sweeping and actively working to destroy the relationship (as the partner in the A was doing, but still, is "more wrong" the right way to fix it?).

[Bittersweetie]

Well, I can describe how my H and I looked just over two months out, maybe that will help. I can still remember that time clearly despite it being years ago.

 

First, my H hadn't completely decided whether to R or not. He decided to not decide. However, it was crystal clear that any contact would result in our relationship ending. I understood that. At two months out, I was still texting and calling when I went somewhere and came home. It was minuscule ways to rebuild trust.

 

We also talked about the A and the issues surrounding it weekly. It was our own MC. You don't have to wait to find a therapist to do your own MC; just set some rules beforehand like no interrupting, no yelling, listening, each person has their turn, etc. We each did have individual IC, and during our talks I'd share what I was thinking and learning there. Some may feel IC is private but I wanted to share with my H my thinking and hear his thoughts too.

 

I remember this clearly at about two months from d-day...my H bought us tickets to a basketball game two weeks out. And I was SO EXCITED because that meant he still saw us together in two weeks. We were truly living day-to-day at that time.

 

And TBH, my mental state and outlook at that time was NOT wonderful. Far from it. I was a mess, filled with shame and guilt over what I had done and how I had hurt the one person who completely trusted me. My H saw me a mess during this time, just as I also saw the horrible pain he felt that I caused. Sure, I would've loved to "move on," but that was not the path to take for us. We hit things head on, not knowing what the future held for us.

 

It was also around this time that I decided that regardless if my H and I stayed together, I never again wanted to be the kind of person who did something like this again. So I was going to work as hard as I could, despite the pain, to figure myself out and be a better person. I wanted to start rebuilding my own personal integrity one small brick at a time.

 

And, to me, it does sound like some rugsweeping has gone on...not purposely, but the fact you have moved and are traveling takes energy and time away from truly examining what has happened and how to healthily heal from it. Reconciliation is a roller coaster, and not an easy path. It does take at least two years to heal. If everything seems to be going well, then I agree it's probably a honeymoon phase...we had that at about 4-5 months. It's not a bad thing, but don't think the R is over. You are still just starting. GL.

[oldshirt]

h. She knows there will be no 2nd chances.

 

.

 

This is where I believe you are mistaken.

 

Nothing you have done indicates that you would not tolerate another A.

 

Yes you were upset and probably raised your voice at some point.

 

But during that time you were having long heart to heart talks, having hot reclaimation sex, scheduling MC sessions, buying and moving into a new house etc.

 

Other than being scolded, did her fun and frivolity with the OM cost her a thing?

 

Did she spend one night in an apartment she had to come up with deposit payments and first and last months rent? Did she have to pay a retainer on a lawyer to protect her assets and marital property? Did she watch you going out on dates with younger, prettier women? Did she have any of her txts and phone calls go unanswered? Has she had to face the scorn and contempt of your family and the disaapointment of hers?

 

You had your heart and mind made up to reconcile from DDay.

 

That is your right and your perogative, but other than some scolding, nothing has happened here that would discourage her from having another roll in the hay down the road should she get an attractive offer.

 

She had some thrills with another man and in return she gotten a ton of your undivided attention, lots of heartfelt discussions, hot monkey sex, a new house, no loss of support or security etc etc

 

So tell us why should think it wouldn't be ok for her to do some other dude again?? Because she may get scolded again??

[Overtaxed]

This is where I believe you are mistaken.

 

Nothing you have done indicates that you would not tolerate another A.

 

Yes you were upset and probably raised your voice at some point.

 

But during that time you were having long heart to heart talks, having hot reclaimation sex, scheduling MC sessions, buying and moving into a new house etc.

 

Other than being scolded, did her fun and frivolity with the OM cost her a thing?

 

Did she spend one night in an apartment she had to come up with deposit payments and first and last months rent? Did she have to pay a retainer on a lawyer to protect her assets and marital property? Did she watch you going out on dates with younger, prettier women? Did she have any of her txts and phone calls go unanswered? Has she had to face the scorn and contempt of your family and the disaapointment of hers?

 

You had your heart and mind made up to reconcile from DDay.

 

That is your right and your perogative, but other than some scolding, nothing has happened here that would discourage her from having another roll in the hay down the road should she get an attractive offer.

 

She had some thrills with another man and in return she gotten a ton of your undivided attention, lots of heartfelt discussions, hot monkey sex, a new house, no loss of support or security etc etc

 

So tell us why should think it wouldn't be ok for her to do some other dude again?? Because she may get scolded again??

 

I'm pretty sure she knows it's a "one and done" thing, and it was beyond "raising my voice", I told her to pack her s**t and get out (when she was lying).

 

I see your point, I do, I'm just not sure what any of this would have accomplished other than "puffing the feathers"; I see what people here are saying regarding "decided to R from day 1", because, yes, I had decided to TRY to R. If my wife hadn't been there, been on board, that would have given me my answer.

 

The house was bought before the A, just so you know. We were renovating it during the A (and now live in it).

 

Sure, I could have made her spend the money to get an apartment; but that would have meant nothing to her; she has more money than she knows what to do with and there's no way to really pull our finances apart without actually pulling it apart. So, sure, I could have forced her to get an apt, but if I took on all the houses/debt during that time, she'd have more money than she does today.

 

She did have TXTs and calls go unanswered; the first few weeks were rough; I was traveling a lot and I was not in the mood to talk a lot. But does that really "even the scale". Here's the thing, nothing will even up the scale. I think I have to make a decision to "try again" and let it go, I don't see another way forward. Sure, I can have my own A, but even that doesn't really make us "even" does it?

 

I'm just taking it one day at a time, hopefully things will continue to improve.