Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[sandylee1]

OT,

Just offering a different view on one point .... it's not uncommon to do things sexually you really don't want to in relationships. I've done it myself with an Ex (when I was a lot younger) through a desire to please and not disappoint.

 

The whole thing about her wanting sex, but just not with you isn't necessarily true as many have said.

 

In him, she probably had someone to fawn over her, pay attention to her, with never ending compliments...that's the ego boosting. It's so far from reality and I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't pour such attention in his wife's direction, so it's not really who he is.

 

It's who he needed to be to hook your wife. He's not a looker (good looking), so he has to rely on his other tricks to get any interest.

 

Those verbal ego boosts aren't really enough for men (in general), as they prefer physical intimacy and in order to keep the compliments coming, she has to give him something in return. ..that would be the sex.

 

Even when men do have EAs, they're the ones who want nude pics. Women are generally happy with words during an EA, be it verbally or in writing.

[Try]

I honestly don't know why. As I mentioned, even if they didn't use protection, the AP has had a vasectomy. He's more sterile than I am.

From time to time players that target married women post what they do. One of the stardard lines is to tell the target that they had a vasectomy because should she get pregnant she would believe it was her husband's. This also gives the player the opportunity for unprotected sex, and at the end of the day for them it is all about sex.

 

Here's the thing; the cold/hard reality of the matter, even with IVF and an unlimited budget, it's just not likely to happen (with me or with anyone else; I do have sperm, just a low count, which doesn't matter that much for IVF). So, your answer to "why keep her and deny her something so important"? She's not going to get it in or out of this marriage the marriage is not the reason she can't get pregnant..

For someone that wants a child, after first trying everything else, there is always the adoption. I am guessing that for you the only thing worse than raising children of your own, is raising someone else's child that you adopted.

[Jersey born raised]

I hedged around the issues of how she views her sexuality. But one of your recents posts brought it to the surface. She weaponized her sexuality to punish you for her perceived deficits. Consider it, she had no interest in sex until she could use it to hurt you. This is marriage material?

 

Do i have Stockholm syndrome is the very first statement you make to your IC. Why are you content with this relationship calling it a marriage? Discuss the internals of this relationship and ask is this all it can be? What is it to causes me I can't have more. Why I am settling for so little. When your wife is brought into the conversation she will bewildered.

[sandylee1]

And we'd openly discussed divorce (during the affair)

 

Interesting. I didn't realise you'd been having problems to this extent.

 

What made her ask for space? Is that related to her feelings that you're controlling? In what way are you meant to be controlling?

[Overtaxed]

And we'd openly discussed divorce (during the affair)

 

Interesting. I didn't realise you'd been having problems to this extent.

 

What made her ask for space? Is that related to her feelings that you're controlling? In what way are you meant to be controlling?

 

Neither did I! We discussed it, but every time we finished and I had some time to reflect, I'd think to myself, "What the heck are we talking about here, why are we getting divorced?!". What were the problems? Children is probably 90% of the issue. The other 10% was her lack of sex drive (my problem of her). But, honestly, I really just threw that in there so I'd have something to talk about as we discussed divorce, I was/would never consider leaving her because of a mismatched sex drive. I was totally bewildered; let's put it that way. We'd have the talks, then go out as best friends and have great sex that evening. I thought I was living in crazyville honestly, or she was having a breakdown or a midlife crisis. I just didn't know what to think.

 

And yes, she does consider me controlling. I can see it, and we've discussed it; her primary complaint is that I'm controlling of her time. I make her feel guilty for spending time away from me. Which, I probably do; not because I want her to feel bad, because I really enjoy spending time with her. So I cut it out and stopped asking her to spend time together, we did "our own thing" most of the time. And, frankly, it was OK, I was a little sad to not have her around, but I found things to do that I enjoyed (bought a motorcycle, that's been FUN!) solo. But then; this.. So, I don't know what to think. Yeah, I was controlling but the minute I stopped, she fell into bed with another man. But I was never one to say "You can't go see your friends", I would say "I'll miss you" which she took as my attempt to make her feel guilty for leaving.

[Overtaxed]

From time to time players that target married women post what they do. One of the stardard lines is to tell the target that they had a vasectomy because should she get pregnant she would believe it was her husband's. This also gives the player the opportunity for unprotected sex, and at the end of the day for them it is all about sex.

 

For someone that wants a child, after first trying everything else, there is always the adoption. I am guessing that for you the only thing worse than raising children of your own, is raising someone else's child that you adopted.

 

No, he actually does have a V (I asked his wife).

 

Adoption has never been off the table, and no, that wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I just always tried to get her to understand what sacrifices we'd have to make and she was never accepting of it. We go on big/exotic vacations a few times a year, that obviously would have to stop. We'd have to give up the stupid expensive cars in our front yard. And she'd have to work if we wanted to keep our lifestyle the same. I never could get her to say "Yes, I know what I'm giving up and that's what I want". All I'd get is reasons I was being unreasonable, which, to me I read as "You need to make more money". Put me under a lot of stress and frankly, I just shut down the whole line of thinking because I didn't know how to make it "work" for us.

 

Now to defend her, we've had this conversation more recently and she has said "Yes" to what it really means. She said she didn't understand that's what I was looking for. I was really considering heading down the adoption route with her until this blew up in my face. I'm just thanking God every 10 minutes or so we don't have a child in this mess right now.

[merrmeade]

You would be surprised how many women have found their husbands either had numerous affairs or one long-term affair over many many years and they never had a clue.

 

Okay fixed though I'm sure it will happen again. These invented stereotypes divide needlessly; we're getting fed the same sh-t sandwiches.

[Chaparral]

You would be surprised how many women have found their husbands either had numerous affairs or one long-term affair over many many years and they never had a clue.

 

Okay fixed though I'm sure it will happen again. These invented stereotypes divide needlessly; we're getting fed the same sh-t sandwiches.

 

This thread isn't about a wayward husband.

[Chaparral]

My understanding was that the Posom told you he had a vasectomy but you didn't know if your wife knew that or not.

 

From your last post, what your wife said about you being controlling is exactly what women say when they are cheating or looking to cheat. Going out with the girls and going out clubbing with out a spouse is certain death to a marriage. All the couples I have known that did that divorced except one.

[merrmeade]

This thread isn't about a wayward husband.

That's why we say, "You would be surprised how many BSs have found their WSs either had numerous affairs or one long-term affair over many many years and they never had a clue."

[bubbaganoosh]

It comes down to this. Want to keep her? That's up to you. If you can handle it then fine but they way your shattered about the trust issues more then the sex, then in my opinion your going to live your life always looking over your shoulder wondering if she's where she says she is, doing what she say's she's doing, with who she say's she's with and to compound the matter, you have to travel and it can play on your mind big time.

 

One other thing. She had the affair not you. It's up to her to straighten out this problem to your standards since your the one with a knife in your back. If your not satisfied with the way she's going about fixing it then you either tell her that he way stinks and it ain't working for you and she needs to make a way better effort or she can hit the road.

 

Comes a point in time that you have to play hardball and let her know that your not a happy man and if she really wants the marriage to work then she needs to pull the sick out of her ass and figure out a way and let her know that she's on the clock.

 

If she panics.................good. She needs to. She caused this mess. She owns it and she needs to clean up her mess. She's playing hardball with you. She cheated, she's not giving the effort you need. Time to take the gloves off and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Honestly if it was me, she would be gone. Not bad enough having an affair but bringing it your home is nothing but a slap in your face and your letting it happen. Stop.

[Scarlett94]

That's why we say, "You would be surprised how many BSs have found their WSs either had numerous affairs or one long-term affair over many many years and they never had a clue."

 

This thread is about a WW.

No need to thread Jack to be politically correct

[Just a Guy]

Hi Overtaxed, thank you for addressing my queries. Kind of you. I wanted to ask one more question which is, have you discussed with your wife in the aftermath of the affair what exactly she wants? Does she want to reconcile and if so, what is she prepared to do to make it up to you? Has she given you any specific reasons as to why she stepped out barring the usual " I was not thinking" or "The AP bowled me over with his compliments" or " You were never there for me anyway" and other words to that effect. If she has checked out of the marriage does she have the courage to admit it? Good luck with everything.

[sandylee1]

I can understand how guilt tripping her for spending time with friends comes across. It's not healthy for you to spend all your spare time together and even though this is no longer the case, it seems like it went on for a long time.

 

That's not a reason for her to have an affair by a long shot.

 

It may have been mentioned somewhere along the way, but I think you should ask her if she wants to stay married to you and if she does, what are her reasons.

If she says love, you need more than that, because her actions of betrayal don't totally fit in with a wife who loves her husband.

 

If nothing else, you need to discuss with her what her feelings for you were before and during the affair that made it possible for her to go through with and what has changed to convince you she won't have another affair in the future.

 

Something I say in these situations, is for the BS to ask the WS to put themselves in your position and ask if it was you who cheated, what would they need from you by way of helping them heal from the affair, in order to give you another chance.

 

I'm getting the feeling your wife is turning herself into the victim here and isn't helping you to heal at all. I don't get the impression that she understands the impact on you and her actions don't scream out that she is remorseful or that she's eager to reconcile.

 

You mentioned that you're a proactive type of guy. .... reading up and taking action, unlike her. Well you should make it clear what you want and need from her, in order not to file for divorce.

 

She could start by reading 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair ' by Linda MacDonald

 

She can join survivinginfidelity.com and get support from fellow wayward spouses.

 

There are numerous online resources, but unfortunately, she isn't so focused on you.

 

I think you implementing some elements of the 180 would be a good idea. I might be wrong, but it doesn't sound like she thinks loosing you is a potential outcome, hence she's not doing anything to help you.

 

Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Unfaithful Spouse

[Overtaxed]

I can understand how guilt tripping her for spending time with friends comes across. It's not healthy for you to spend all your spare time together and even though this is no longer the case, it seems like it went on for a long time.

 

That's not a reason for her to have an affair by a long shot.

 

It may have been mentioned somewhere along the way, but I think you should ask her if she wants to stay married to you and if she does, what are her reasons.

If she says love, you need more than that, because her actions of betrayal don't totally fit in with a wife who loves her husband.

 

If nothing else, you need to discuss with her what her feelings for you were before and during the affair that made it possible for her to go through with and what has changed to convince you she won't have another affair in the future.

 

Something I say in these situations, is for the BS to ask the WS to put themselves in your position and ask if it was you who cheated, what would they need from you by way of helping them heal from the affair, in order to give you another chance.

 

I'm getting the feeling your wife is turning herself into the victim here and isn't helping you to heal at all. I don't get the impression that she understands the impact on you and her actions don't scream out that she is remorseful or that she's eager to reconcile.

 

You mentioned that you're a proactive type of guy. .... reading up and taking action, unlike her. Well you should make it clear what you want and need from her, in order not to file for divorce.

 

She could start by reading 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair ' by Linda MacDonald

 

She can join survivinginfidelity.com and get support from fellow wayward spouses.

 

There are numerous online resources, but unfortunately, she isn't so focused on you.

 

I think you implementing some elements of the 180 would be a good idea. I might be wrong, but it doesn't sound like she thinks loosing you is a potential outcome, hence she's not doing anything to help you.

 

Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Unfaithful Spouse

 

Sandy,

 

First, I wanted to thank you, your posts are really insightful and helping me see both sides a bit more clearly.

 

Yes, I do now understand that spending all our time together is not healthy. And, although she would say I guilt tripped her, I never feel like that was my intention or something that I did to a significant degree. I'd always say "I'll miss you" when she left to go to work or out with friends. I'd say "I wish you were coming" when I was doing something we used to do together and she had other plans. Not with the intent of causing guilt, but because.. Well, it was the truth. I do miss her when she's not here and I did wish she was coming when I was doing something alone. I've changed this behavior, but it feels very "cold" to me. She heads off somewhere and I really don't know what to say. So I stick with "Have fun" and try to act as if I don't care.

 

She has read the Linda MacDonald book. We haven't discussed it yet, but after I read the book myself (before I gave it to her) I thought to myself "this woman nailed it"; that's exactly what I need to help move forward. Not my wife to go on a sabbatical. Not a no sex period of indeterminate length. Not for her or us to spend more time in church. No, I need the things spelled out in the book, nothing less, and really nothing more either.

 

I'm getting the feeling your wife is turning herself into the victim here and isn't helping you to heal at all. I don't get the impression that she understands the impact on you and her actions don't scream out that she is remorseful or that she's eager to reconcile.

 

That's exactly what's happening. And I'm stopping it right now.

 

I wanted to ask one more question which is, have you discussed with your wife in the aftermath of the affair what exactly she wants? Does she want to reconcile and if so, what is she prepared to do to make it up to you? Has she given you any specific reasons as to why she stepped out barring the usual " I was not thinking" or "The AP bowled me over with his compliments" or " You were never there for me anyway" and other words to that effect. If she has checked out of the marriage does she have the courage to admit it? Good luck with everything.

 

She says she want's to stay married/fix it. However, the fix it/make it up to me stuff is skewed right now. We'll talk and it turns into a discussion of ways in which I wasn't meeting her needs and changes she'll need me to make. Yeah, I know, very unhealthy (see above, stops today). Yes, she has admitted that she had "checked out" of the marriage (used those words exactly) but said she wants to "check back in".

 

I think if you asked her, she'd say I wasn't filling her love tank; I wasn't complimenting her enough and wasn't providing her with what she needed emotionally. The AP was, I read it, it was nothing but a string of compliments.

[Chaparral]

There is a book I think is called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES or something like that. Also great is HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.

 

Somehow I missed the sabbatical thing. What is that all about? Sounds absurd, like a separation. Where is she supposed to go on this sabbatical and how long? Cheaters use separation for continuing the affair. His strong words and supposed bad mouthing her could be a red herring.

 

Sabbatical,separation whatever. 80% of separations end in divorce. On top of adultery it must be worse. I keep getting the feeling you are still getting played.

 

Since she is supposed to be religious, get the book by reverend Dobson, LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. He doesn't play down adultery like many other n the clergy.

 

Edit to add I found the post about the sabbatical, what tripe.

 

Could you explain when and what your wife was all about on her going out by herself? Do you have male friends?

Edited January 22, 2017 by Chaparral

[Scarlett94]

I don't understand the no sex thing from her counselor. That has to be the worst advice ever. One of the things that drew us closer together was our increased libido. It went a long way towards helping us heal.

[Overtaxed]

I don't understand the no sex thing from her counselor. That has to be the worst advice ever. One of the things that drew us closer together was our increased libido. It went a long way towards helping us heal.

 

Increased libido? Yeah, you could say that. It's like a cruel joke, I'm so mad at her and so angry and yet, I can't stop the sexual thoughts, I just want to have sex constantly. And, if you saw earlier, I'm the high desire partner; it's actually been a constant problem in our relationship; I'm over the top with sexual desire (and recognize that about myself). One of the books I read asked "If you partner was open to it, how many times a week would you have sex". For me, the answer is probably (don't laugh too hard), 14. Morning and evening, ever day. Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, but hey, the question was asked. And this is before the hysterical bonding thing entered the picture!

 

And yes, this advice does seem ridiculous to me, it seems like all her IC's advice has been designed to push us apart rather than pull us together. It's probably because the IC thinks I'm controlling and not letting the WW live the life she really wants; which is causing her misery/depression. So, the IC's solution is "Break up the marriage" or at least "Cool off the marriage so my client can find herself". I really don't know, it seemed "odd" when the wife first told me because it was counter to what I felt. Then, after a few books on the subject, it seemed really odd, they all recommend "back in the sack" as soon as the injured partner is ready.

[SweetiePi]

Hi overtaxed.

 

 

Your W's therapist needs to go. Suggesting no sex is an odd thing to recommend for you both. Sex is great for being able to connect as a couple again.

 

 

IMO, incompatible sex drives, children and spirituality are huge deal breakers when it comes to marriage. As a woman that is unable to have children, I can tell you it hurts to the core. Ultimately she needs a good therapist to help her come to terms with this if you both are to remain married and you won't consider having a child by IVF. You should not feel pressured to have a child if she knew that was your standpoint before getting married.

 

 

What you wrote below... have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It has a lot to do with how a person receives love and gives love. We generally give love the way we want to be loved. Observing the way someone gives love can be an indicator of what he or she wants. Words of affirmation could be her love language. Maybe your language is quality time or physical touch (or both). IDK, but I've learned in my marriage that my husband's love language is acts of service. He will do things to help me and try make my life easier. Now I am able to give to him the way he needs.

 

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

 

Sandy,

 

 

 

I think if you asked her, she'd say I wasn't filling her love tank; I wasn't complimenting her enough and wasn't providing her with what she needed emotionally. The AP was, I read it, it was nothing but a string of compliments.

Edited January 22, 2017 by SweetiePi

[sandylee1]

Sandy,

 

First, I wanted to thank you, your posts are really insightful and helping me see both sides a bit more clearly.

 

Your welcome.

 

Yes, I do now understand that spending all our time together is not healthy. And, although she would say I guilt tripped her, I never feel like that was my intention or something that I did to a significant degree. I'd always say "I'll miss you" when she left to go to work or out with friends. I'd say "I wish you were coming" when I was doing something we used to do together and she had other plans. Not with the intent of causing guilt, but because.. Well, it was the truth. I do miss her when she's not here and I did wish she was coming when I was doing something alone. I've changed this behavior, but it feels very "cold" to me. She heads off somewhere and I really don't know what to say. So I stick with "Have fun" and try to act as if I don't care.

 

OT, I understand you love her and miss her, but it can make her feel guilty if you say "miss you" when she's going out, even though I appreciate you didn't intend it that way.

 

When I go out or when my husband goes out alone, we'll both say "have a great time - love you" "Enjoy" or something similar. I'm not defending her in any way, but my BIL does this to my sister and even gets withdrawn and moody when she's going out. He makes her feel bad for going out without him, then he says its because he loves her. She really does feel smothered at times,but I'm not saying you're that extreme.

 

You just need a balance of 'me time' and 'us time'.

 

We'll talk and it turns into a discussion of ways in which I wasn't meeting her needs and changes she'll need me to make.

 

Did she ever raise these things before she had the affair? Because the sensible adult thing to do is tell your husband what your issues are and give him a chance to respond. If you don't see changes ... then you move on.

 

.

 

By the same reasoning, you could have had an affair because she isn't meeting your desire for sex as frequently as you'd like.

 

That often annoys me about WSs, they speak about their needs not being met as a reason for the affair. Do they really think at that point in time, they are meeting all the emotional and physical needs of the BS?

 

Because it's highly unlikely that a BS is having the time of their life and every need met and the WSs needs are so unmet that an affair becomes the answer.

 

Chances are both parties felt neglected in some way, but one felt the solution was to play away.

[Overtaxed]

There is a book I think is called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES or something like that. Also great is HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.

 

Somehow I missed the sabbatical thing. What is that all about? Sounds absurd, like a separation. Where is she supposed to go on this sabbatical and how long? Cheaters use separation for continuing the affair. His strong words and supposed bad mouthing her could be a red herring.

 

Sabbatical,separation whatever. 80% of separations end in divorce. On top of adultery it must be worse. I keep getting the feeling you are still getting played.

 

Since she is supposed to be religious, get the book by reverend Dobson, LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. He doesn't play down adultery like many other n the clergy.

 

Edit to add I found the post about the sabbatical, what tripe.

 

Could you explain when and what your wife was all about on her going out by herself? Do you have male friends?

 

Read the five love languages. My language is physical, hers is words of adoration. And I've been remiss there, I almost never give compliments to people because I feel like they don't "ring true", even if they are true. When people compliment me, I think they are trying to "butter me up" for something that's not a good idea; it always puts me on guard. I just assumed the W felt the same way. But no; she doesn't, and I've been bringing much more of her language into the relationship. I told her, and it's true, that I've always thought things like "You look great today" or "I'm very proud of you for XYZ", but I never said them to her out loud. As such, it's been easy for me to add her language to the relationship, just open my mouth when I think something positive about the spouse.

 

Could you explain when and what your wife was all about on her going out by herself? Do you have male friends?

 

I'm glad you asked this because it might add some color and also expose one of my weaknesses. No, I don't really have any close friends at all. I do have people I could call and talk to, but, none who I'd consider close. I have a network of 100's of people in my life, but I keep them all at arms length because I've just never been comfortable having people really "close" to me. The only person who's really "inside" is my wife. There are a lot of reasons for that, I'm an introvert, I'm very focused and don't enjoy small talk and chit chat. I don't have a lot of typical "male" interests; sports, drinking/beer, etc. I do work out a lot, but I do that mostly solo. And, frankly, I'm a bit worried about "friends" in general, a "guys night out" is, IMHO, typically a bad idea. I've done it, I know what happens there, and I really don't want to subject myself to the temptation (same reason I won't eat in hotel bars when traveling for work). This is a point of contention between me and the wife (long before this happened), she wants me to have "more friends" and wants me to enjoy spending time with her friends (some of which, admittedly, are very good people). It's just hard for me, but it's also something I can and will change if we decide to R.

 

Typing that gave me a point of reflection on this whole thing. The my view and the W's on the world is very different. I'm a skeptic, I think most people are out to hurt me in some way, and, because of that, have low trust in people. The wife is the opposite, she's very trusting and believes what people say to her (which, of course, is why the "verbal seduction" of the OM was so effective). I'm not really sure what to do with this piece of information; I know we're both wrong, most people aren't trying to hurt me, but there ARE some people (OM, for example) who are trying to take advantage of my/her trust.

[Overtaxed]

Hi overtaxed.

 

 

Your W's therapist needs to go. Suggesting no sex is an odd thing to recommend for you both. Sex is great for being able to connect as a couple again.

 

 

IMO, incompatible sex drives, children and spirituality are huge deal breakers when it comes to marriage. As a woman that is unable to have children, I can tell you it hurts to the core. Ultimately she needs a good therapist to help her come to terms with this if you both are to remain married and you won't consider having a child by IVF. You should not feel pressured to have a child if she knew that was your standpoint before getting married.

 

 

What you wrote below... have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It has a lot to do with how a person receives love and gives love. We generally give love the way we want to be loved. Observing the way someone gives love can be an indicator of what he or she wants. Words of affirmation could be her love language. Maybe your language is quality time or physical touch (or both). IDK, but I've learned in my marriage that my husband's love language is acts of service. He will do things to help me and try make my life easier. Now I am able to give to him the way he needs.

 

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

LOL, wow, maybe you can be my wife's psych, you just correctly hit on both of our love languages from just reading through one partner's posts! Yes, we've both read it, and yes, mine is physical touch and her's is words of affirmation.

 

I'm glad that everyone here is giving the same advice on the "no sex" suggestion. Of course, I think it's ridiculous, but it's because I want to have sex again to feel close to her, so my viewpoint isn't exactly "objective" to say the least. But all the books, all the PDFs, and everything else I can devour to try to figure this out says the opposite, you (and others) are just giving me confirmation that I'm not just skipping over the parts about "no sex" in the books because I don't want to see them.

 

IMO, incompatible sex drives, children and spirituality are huge deal breakers when it comes to marriage.

 

While I agree with you, I didn't go into this "blind". The sex drive thing was my burden in the relationship, I did a lot of soul searching about it and decided I could dial back the sex thing to make a better relationship for us. Look, that's a compromise I'm going to have to make with any woman, I've dated a lot, and never have I found anyone who's sex drive is as high as mine. So, punching out of this relationship to find that person; IMHO, isn't going to happen. Could a new partner be closer to my desire? Yes, they could. But will they mirror or exceed it? Not likely.

 

Children, again, didn't go into blind. We both knew there were physical problems. She knew I wasn't too into the idea. We had long and deep conversations about this before we married; and I told her, with a very fine point "If you need to have your own children, we should go our separate ways". Does that fix it? Absolutely not. But there was no ambiguity or "leading on" here. I didn't want to get a D, and I thought that I'd done everything I could to insulate us against that.

 

The final one, spirituality.. No, it's never been my thing. But it wasn't her thing either in our relationship until very recently. I knew she had a religious upbringing (as did I, spent grade school in a very strict Catholic environment; funny thing is, I've probably been to church more than most "religious" people you'd ever meet; every school day for years!) and never stopped her from going to church, just didn't show interest in joining. I'm honestly not "dug in" on this issue. If church is/was important and we need a church family I'd absolutely start to attend again. I just didn't/don't care that much either way, I see some good in Church and some bad; but wouldn't fight it that hard to either go or not go.

[Overtaxed]

By the same reasoning, you could have had an affair because she isn't meeting your desire for sex as frequently as you'd like.

 

That often annoys me about WSs, they speak about their needs not being met as a reason for the affair. Do they really think at that point in time, they are meeting all the emotional and physical needs of the BS?

 

Because it's highly unlikely that a BS is having the time of their life and every need met and the WSs needs are so unmet that an affair becomes the answer.

 

Chances are both parties felt neglected in some way, but one felt the solution was to play away.

 

Of course I could. And I travel all the time for business, so I could have easily gotten away with it too. But, and I think this is where W and I really differ, I recognize that about myself, that the draw of the opposite sex is very strong for me, and I just work really hard to make sure I'm not in situations where temptation becomes too much to take. I never drink when I travel (for work). I never eat in hotel bars. I'm polite but curt to women that I work with or who somehow get near me for whatever reason (like an attractive woman sitting next to me on a plane). Yeah, it's the white knuckle approach; just remove temptation instead of letting it in. Is it the right way to deal with it? IDK, but it's been effective and, frankly, it doesn't bother me that much anymore. I used to think of the "fun" I was "missing out" on. Then I realized that "fun" was likely to result in something terrible happening and, suddenly, didn't seem all that important anymore.

 

And yes, I did feel neglected and most certainly was NOT having the time of my life as this affair was going on. Kind of goes without saying, right?

[sandylee1]

OT, the more you post I think I'm getting a better understanding of some of the issues in your marriage before the affair.

 

I will reiterate, that none of the issues is an excuse for what your wife did at all.

 

You said something very close to what my BIL told my sister. He said he doesn't have anyone else, but she has us her sisters and lots of friends, so when she goes out with us, he perceives that as a form of rejection, like she's chosen us over him. The fact is he has more siblings than she does, but they just aren't as close knit as my family.

 

You can't make her or any one person the centre of your universe, so it's good you've taken up the bike as a hobby.

 

I see my BIL as a bit insecure in relation to my sis, but you don't come across that way. On one hand, you seem like a really tough confident kind of guy, yet on the other hand, you seem like a gentle bear at heart and especially where your wife is concerned.

 

Do you have a fear of loosing your wife when she goes out with her friends, or worry about men hitting on her?

 

OT, I think this is something for you to work on, independent of the infidelity issue. I'm not criticising you, so please don't take it that way.

[Overtaxed]

OT, the more you post I think I'm getting a better understanding of some of the issues in your marriage before the affair.

 

I will reiterate, that none of the issues is an excuse for what your wife did at all.

 

You said something very close to what my BIL told my sister. He said he doesn't have anyone else, but she has us her sisters and lots of friends, so when she goes out with us, he perceives that as a form of rejection, like she's chosen us over him. The fact is he has more siblings than she does, but they just aren't as close knit as my family.

 

You can't make her or any one person the centre of your universe, so it's good you've taken up the bike as a hobby.

 

I see my BIL as a bit insecure in relation to my sis, but you don't come across that way. On one hand, you seem like a really tough confident kind of guy, yet on the other hand, you seem like a gentle bear at heart and especially where your wife is concerned.

 

Do you have a fear of loosing your wife when she goes out with her friends, or worry about men hitting on her?

 

OT, I think this is something for you to work on, independent of the infidelity issue. I'm not criticising you, so please don't take it that way.

 

No, I never feared losing my wife when she went out, and never was concerned with men hitting on her. At least, before D-day. And no, I wouldn't consider myself insecure compared to my wife, I think most people would consider me the "more attractive" partner, I make lots of money, don't have kids. If I think about life without her, I'm picturing it as being pretty easy to replace the sex/physical part. Just the rest of it I question; and, of course, the history is irreplaceable.

 

She is/has been the center of my universe, that's a true and very fair statement. I just never felt like I needed anyone else; relationships with people are hard for me because of my distrust and fear of being hurt/disappointed (both by guys and girls) and, also, my job is non-stop "relationship building" so, honestly, when I come home, I'm really happy to not have to wine/dine people or concern myself with making others like me. Is that right? No, it's not, but those are the reasons I've kept my cards close when it comes to building friendships (deep friendships, again, I have tons of "superficial" friendships). I work remotely too, which means I have no office time to build work relationships; that probably doesn't help the situation. A lot of guys I know who do this kind of work say the same thing, they have "no friends" because they are so pulled during the week they just don't have it in them for more time with people over the weekend.

 

Also, I've always had hobbies; biking, boating, hiking, racing dirt bikes, etc. After we got married, I just wanted to include my wife in them, we used to bike (bicycle, not motorcycle) all the time together. Then, about 6 months ago, she told me "I'd rather run" and that stopped (I can't run, I have a bad back). But I do have a pretty full life as far as personal interests. Thing is, I'd rather spend time with her than any of those personal pursuits. And I honestly thought that was how it was supposed to be.

 

And yes, if you met me, you'd probably think me a "tough guy". And wonder who the heck is writing these sappy posts. The image I portray to others would lead you to believe that the only responses I'd consider is "Kick her out" or "Kick her out and burn all her stuff in the front yard". How good we all become at hiding our true nature, right? I've even hid it from my wife, she's said, since D-day, "I never expected you to be like this" (meaning, not kicking her out/going nuclear option from hour 1). That's not to say I didn't take protective steps, I've moved most of the money around into individual accounts, cut off her access to some of the stuff, locked down my computer/cell phone so that I can talk without fear of monitoring. But, yeah, I do want to fix it and reconcile; perhaps not as much a Tony Soprano as I thought myself to be?