Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[understand50]

And yes, if you met me, you'd probably think me a "tough guy". And wonder who the heck is writing these sappy posts. The image I portray to others would lead you to believe that the only responses I'd consider is "Kick her out" or "Kick her out and burn all her stuff in the front yard". How good we all become at hiding our true nature, right? I've even hid it from my wife, she's said, since D-day, "I never expected you to be like this" (meaning, not kicking her out/going nuclear option from hour 1). That's not to say I didn't take protective steps, I've moved most of the money around into individual accounts, cut off her access to some of the stuff, locked down my computer/cell phone so that I can talk without fear of monitoring. But, yeah, I do want to fix it and reconcile; perhaps not as much a Tony Soprano as I thought myself to be?

 

Overtaxed,

 

You never know how you will react until it happens, so you are being normal.

 

She has most of the work in reconciliation, but you have some as well. We had a thread that was well discussed, and may be of help.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Reconciliation is a two way street, and both of you are going to have to put in some hard work.

 

I wish you luck....

[spanz1]

Read the five love languages. My language is physical, hers is words of adoration. And I've been remiss there, I almost never give compliments to people because I feel like they don't "ring true", even if they are true. When people compliment me, I think they are trying to "butter me up" for something that's not a good idea; it always puts me on guard. I just assumed the W felt the same way. But no; she doesn't, and I've been bringing much more of her language into the relationship. I told her, and it's true, that I've always thought things like "You look great today" or "I'm very proud of you for XYZ", but I never said them to her out loud. As such, it's been easy for me to add her language to the relationship, just open my mouth when I think something positive about the spouse.

.

 

THen that is the problem. She was a sucker for the 1st player who came along, and told her how hot and sexy she looked.

 

Odd that she did not just ask you, openly, for a hall pass, since you seem to indicate you would have given the OK. Does she KNOW you would have entertained that idea without flipping out? She seemed afraid to ask about it.

 

IF you chose to stay, you have to give her compliments. Like get a piece of paper each day, and write down every time you tell her something complimentary. If at the end of the day it is not at least 10 items long, work on it.

 

If she has any body image issues, buy her some hot lingerie, some new sexy clothes...things that show that you like her body.

[Scarlett94]

Increased libido? Yeah, you could say that. It's like a cruel joke, I'm so mad at her and so angry and yet, I can't stop the sexual thoughts, I just want to have sex constantly. And, if you saw earlier, I'm the high desire partner; it's actually been a constant problem in our relationship; I'm over the top with sexual desire (and recognize that about myself). One of the books I read asked "If you partner was open to it, how many times a week would you have sex". For me, the answer is probably (don't laugh too hard), 14. Morning and evening, ever day. Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, but hey, the question was asked. And this is before the hysterical bonding thing entered the picture!

 

And yes, this advice does seem ridiculous to me, it seems like all her IC's advice has been designed to push us apart rather than pull us together. It's probably because the IC thinks I'm controlling and not letting the WW live the life she really wants; which is causing her misery/depression. So, the IC's solution is "Break up the marriage" or at least "Cool off the marriage so my client can find herself". I really don't know, it seemed "odd" when the wife first told me because it was counter to what I felt. Then, after a few books on the subject, it seemed really odd, they all recommend "back in the sack" as soon as the injured partner is ready.

 

I'd say that counselor needs to go

I have a much higher drive than my husband and that's ironic because it was the exact opposite before d day lol.

You seem really in control about things so I'm confident you well make the right choice for yourself.

 

Our love languages are exactly the same as you twos and since d day we have both made an effort to do this for each other.

 

If it helps our marriage is much better than before and I'm sure that seems strange but it's true

[Scarlett94]

Increased libido? Yeah, you could say that. It's like a cruel joke, I'm so mad at her and so angry and yet, I can't stop the sexual thoughts, I just want to have sex constantly. And, if you saw earlier, I'm the high desire partner; it's actually been a constant problem in our relationship; I'm over the top with sexual desire (and recognize that about myself). One of the books I read asked "If you partner was open to it, how many times a week would you have sex". For me, the answer is probably (don't laugh too hard), 14. Morning and evening, ever day. Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, but hey, the question was asked. And this is before the hysterical bonding thing entered the picture!

 

And yes, this advice does seem ridiculous to me, it seems like all her IC's advice has been designed to push us apart rather than pull us together. It's probably because the IC thinks I'm controlling and not letting the WW live the life she really wants; which is causing her misery/depression. So, the IC's solution is "Break up the marriage" or at least "Cool off the marriage so my client can find herself". I really don't know, it seemed "odd" when the wife first told me because it was counter to what I felt. Then, after a few books on the subject, it seemed really odd, they all recommend "back in the sack" as soon as the injured partner is ready.

 

I'd say that counselor needs to go

I have a much higher drive than my husband and that's ironic because it was the exact opposite before d day lol.

You seem really in control about things so I'm confident you will make the right choice for yourself.

 

Our love languages are exactly the same as you twos and since d day we have both made an effort to do this for each other.

 

If it helps our marriage is much better than before and I'm sure that seems strange but it's true

[DKT3]

I think she may have been told those things....Which brings up the question, just what the hell is she say about you in her sessions? I'm guessing not good.

 

The more you post the more it becomes clear your wife wants out ( to me at least). It that's the case you're wasting time with your efforts. Maybe she is just buying time to leave.

[Chaparral]

It seems a lot of things changed about six months ago. Is that not true? Who does she run with?

 

Read the MARRIED MANSEX LIFE PRIMER book. It does show you how your actions attract a woman and women may consider it manipulative but others thank God for it.

 

How is your wife acting day to day since the affair and now? How has she responded to your demands and financial maneuvering?

 

I still think the no sex and sabbatical moves are her ideas. If I were you I would find her another counselor even if she insists on her present one. She can go to two or accept divorce. How much effort is she putting into convincing you she wants to stay married to you?

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

She says she want's to stay married/fix it. However, the fix it/make it up to me stuff is skewed right now. We'll talk and it turns into a discussion of ways in which I wasn't meeting her needs and changes she'll need me to make. Yeah, I know, very unhealthy (see above, stops today). Yes, she has admitted that she had "checked out" of the marriage (used those words exactly) but said she wants to "check back in".

 

.

 

But you have to ask yourself if her rationale for wanting to check back in because her relationship with the OM has been blown up on his end and he is no longer at her beck and call?

 

In other words, is she just checking back in because she doesn't have anyone else at the moment?

 

Will she just check out again the moment someone else pays her some attention and a compliment or two?

[Overtaxed]

It seems a lot of things changed about six months ago. Is that not true? Who does she run with?

 

Read the MARRIED MANSEX LIFE PRIMER book. It does show you how your actions attract a woman and women may consider it manipulative but others thank God for it.

 

How is your wife acting day to day since the affair and now? How has she responded to your demands and financial maneuvering?

 

I still think the no sex and sabbatical moves are her ideas. If I were you I would find her another counselor even if she insists on her present one. She can go to two or accept divorce. How much effort is she putting into convincing you she wants to stay married to you?

 

She runs by herself; and I'm pretty sure that's true (she often leaves from the house after work). How's she acting? Still blame shifting. But getting better. She's starting to send longer and longer "I'm so sorry" messages.

 

Doesn't know about the financial maneuvering; I'll never tell her, but I had to take measures to protect myself. Demands.. Well, I haven't really dropped "demands", other than reading the books that were recommended (which she did). She's still in a fog; I feel like she really doesn't have a clue what could happen to her if I do decide to punch out. She'll survive, she does have a good job, but questions she's asked like "can I keep my car" make me very aware that she has no idea how far above her salary she's actually living.

 

She's putting more effort now; that's for sure. I'm trying to 180 this and make her realize it's not about my faults, it's about hers. If we get past them, and what she did, then we can start to point fingers at the "relationship", but not before then.

[Overtaxed]

I think she may have been told those things....Which brings up the question, just what the hell is she say about you in her sessions? I'm guessing not good.

 

The more you post the more it becomes clear your wife wants out ( to me at least). It that's the case you're wasting time with your efforts. Maybe she is just buying time to leave.

 

That's exactly my thought. Either the psych didn't say it (which I doubt, because she's totally unconcerned about me coming to an appt with her) or she did say it because she told the psych something about me that made her concerned for my wife's safety. This could just be demonizing me as the affair was going on, who knows. Of course her safety isn't in danger and she knows that, but, if you tell a psych anything they are going to say "get away" just to be careful.

 

She says her sessions are mostly about her not about us. I kind of believe that, but do have some doubts.

[Overtaxed]

I believe that this child issue is playing a huge role in this. You have spent years telling her to her face that you don't want kids and won't support her reproduction. That is a rejection on deep, primitive and primordial level. There probably is no deeper rejection or hurt.

 

Finishing reading all the replies and just wanted to comment on this one quickly.

 

One of the biggest reasons I never wanted children is because I've seen, in my peers, what they do to many marriages. The guys can't wait to get out of the house and then the affairs/one night stands/hookers/etc start because the wife has no time for them. So, in a way, you could say I didn't want to have children because I didn't want to have an affair in our relationship. How ironic, right?

[BuddyX]

Finishing reading all the replies and just wanted to comment on this one quickly.

 

One of the biggest reasons I never wanted children is because I've seen, in my peers, what they do to many marriages. The guys can't wait to get out of the house and then the affairs/one night stands/hookers/etc start because the wife has no time for them. So, in a way, you could say I didn't want to have children because I didn't want to have an affair in our relationship. How ironic, right?

 

There's a lot guys nodding to this response. I was married and didn't have kids. Personally, legacy is overrated. And there's nothing wrong with being selfish.

 

That being said my ExW also cheated on me. Whether they (women) had kids are not I feel they would've cheated. It's easier without kids to deal with infidelity..

 

But what's really interesting, when you ask the divorced men about their ExW, it's always the same answer, "She gave me my kids". Ok, but any woman can do that.

[Overtaxed]

There's a lot guys nodding to this response. I was married and didn't have kids. Personally, legacy is overrated. And there's nothing wrong with being selfish.

 

That being said my ExW also cheated on me. Whether they (women) had kids are not I feel they would've cheated. It's easier without kids to deal with infidelity..

 

But what's really interesting, when you ask the divorced men about their ExW, it's always the same answer, "She gave me my kids". Ok, but any woman can do that.

 

LOL, well.. Not to speak for all guys, but, for the ladies on here; the complaint is always the same. It's not that the wife doesn't cook, the house is a mess, or even that their wive's bodies haven't rebounded. It's sex. 100% of the time, when men are complaining about their "post-kid" life, it's sexual intimacy that's missing.

 

I just don't get it (and never have) how this happens. Sex is fun! It takes 5 minutes (if you ask us to go fast, we will). It feels good. It bonds people together. And yet, it seems in most married w/kids relationships, that 5 minutes that oh-so-important to the husband is just off the table. A man will run through walls for you if you give him regular/good sex, he'll wake up all night long to change the baby if he knows sex is on the morning menu.

 

I just don't get why that's the thing that women so quickly jettison when baby comes along. You could NEVER load the dishwasher again and use that time for sex and your man would be 100% happier, I guarantee it.

 

Sorry for the sexist bent to this, not like men are angels either, but this is SO important to men, it's the number 1,2,3,4 and 5 reasons we love our wives. I know you don't want to be seen as nothing more than a walking sex toy, and YOUR NOT, it's only when sex falls off that we start to look at you that way (because we're so horny we can't think straight) and can't connect emotionally and spiritually during sex (it becomes a "need" more than a "want"). If any woman is reading this in a marriage that's having problems, I can promise you, if you go to bed with your husband tonight and give him great sex, tomorrow those problems are going to be better. Keep doing it, and the improvement will continue. Note that this does not apply to straying husbands, they don't deserve it!

 

Oh, and BTW, I'm not really sure how not having kids is selfish. Kids don't ask to be brought here. It's not like they're "waiting to be born" they don't exist until you make them. And, by definition, you can't want something if you don't exist. Yeah, I know, I've read too much philosophy. I'm working on it.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Overtaxed

[BuddyX]

Overtaxed, me and you would have some killer philosophical conversations. We're pretty much on the same point.

 

Not to harp on the point, but I had date with a divorced woman. She was saying how she cleaned and cooked. Took care of the kids. And all of that jazz. In my head I'm rolling my eyes feeling sorry for her Ex. It just screamed "lack of sex" marriage. Then she finished up her story and asked me what I thought. I put my beer down, looked her in the eye and said "so what you're saying is, you had a clean house but a messy marriage"...she paused and couldn't respond. She got my point.

[SweetiePi]

Your wife's love language is easy to peg as you mentioned how smooth talking her AP was in your posts. You clearly tie sex and love together. That isn't a bad thing, it is just the way you bond and feel close to your W.

 

 

I think you have been very fair when you say that you were willing to compromise and have less sex in marriage to be able to make things work. We all have areas we are flexible with and deal breakers. Drives can go up and down through life. Mine was much lower as I was younger and has grown as I age. I believe it is because I know my body and self much better and am more comfortable now.

 

 

Also she knew going in you wanted no kids. You were fair there also. You sound willing to make compromises with her to make your marriage work easier. If she cares and wants it to work she needs to know how important sex is for bonding you to her again. I wonder if her hang up with sex it has to do with her strict Catholic upbringing. "Religion" can mess a person up for years. And yes, some churches are not so great and some are awesome. Just takes some searching to find genuine spiritual people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL, wow, maybe you can be my wife's psych, you just correctly hit on both of our love languages from just reading through one partner's posts! Yes, we've both read it, and yes, mine is physical touch and her's is words of affirmation.

 

I'm glad that everyone here is giving the same advice on the "no sex" suggestion. Of course, I think it's ridiculous, but it's because I want to have sex again to feel close to her, so my viewpoint isn't exactly "objective" to say the least. But all the books, all the PDFs, and everything else I can devour to try to figure this out says the opposite, you (and others) are just giving me confirmation that I'm not just skipping over the parts about "no sex" in the books because I don't want to see them.

 

 

 

While I agree with you, I didn't go into this "blind". The sex drive thing was my burden in the relationship, I did a lot of soul searching about it and decided I could dial back the sex thing to make a better relationship for us. Look, that's a compromise I'm going to have to make with any woman, I've dated a lot, and never have I found anyone who's sex drive is as high as mine. So, punching out of this relationship to find that person; IMHO, isn't going to happen. Could a new partner be closer to my desire? Yes, they could. But will they mirror or exceed it? Not likely.

 

Children, again, didn't go into blind. We both knew there were physical problems. She knew I wasn't too into the idea. We had long and deep conversations about this before we married; and I told her, with a very fine point "If you need to have your own children, we should go our separate ways". Does that fix it? Absolutely not. But there was no ambiguity or "leading on" here. I didn't want to get a D, and I thought that I'd done everything I could to insulate us against that.

 

The final one, spirituality.. No, it's never been my thing. But it wasn't her thing either in our relationship until very recently. I knew she had a religious upbringing (as did I, spent grade school in a very strict Catholic environment; funny thing is, I've probably been to church more than most "religious" people you'd ever meet; every school day for years!) and never stopped her from going to church, just didn't show interest in joining. I'm honestly not "dug in" on this issue. If church is/was important and we need a church family I'd absolutely start to attend again. I just didn't/don't care that much either way, I see some good in Church and some bad; but wouldn't fight it that hard to either go or not go.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Overtaxed, after reading your last post I wanted to say that the reason you gave for marriages continuing to be good after children come along was the reason why in times past well to do men used to have harems! However jokes aside, I think the reason why one gets less sex from his wife after child birth is the fact that a woman's hormones gear her up for a motherly role, where she is lactating and her ovaries stop ovulating. This probably causes her to stop feeling much sexual desire and may sometimes, also be repulsive to her. Of course one's wife could still accommodate her husband but if she is just not into it, then I am sure the husband would also not enjoy it.

 

However, that said it is also true that women often use the birth of kids as an excuse to avoid sex especially if they have always had a low sex drive and often the husband can see through the excuse for what it is. That is when the resentment starts off and sex becomes the casualty as both parties shun physical contact with each other. This ,too, is when affairs breed. In such cases even the wife may turn to someone else for comfort and consolation and if that someone is a man then an affair is a foregone conclusion. This would happen even while she is denying her husband what she is so willingly giving someone else. However the more likely event is that the resentful husband will go out and have himself a full fledged affair and justify it by saying his wife denied him his conjugal rights. This is probably what happened in the case of Rocky who is also posting on this forum.

 

Having re read the latter part of your thread with posts from others and your replies to them I am getting an impression that, in a way you want to be joined at the hip with your wife whereas she wants to be waltzing away. It definitely seems you have put her on a pedestal and she knows it and is taking advantage of it. Some people here use the term co-dependent and it seems that you are leaning in that direction. Although the sex part of her affair is not your major concern the disrespect and betrayal of trust is a very major factor and at some point of time it is going to hit you in the gut. When that happens you will want to distance yourself from her as she will appear toxic to you. My take on this is that you should put the reconciliation for the moment and, although it appears counter intuitive to you since it is what her Doc has suggested, separate from her for a while by asking her to move out and stay on her own. I think this will achieve two things. One, it will give you time to think things over in an unemotional and objective manner and you can weigh all the pros and cons in a cool, calm and collected manner. Two, it will come as a shock to her since she is convinced that you are going to hold on to her and this separation will be the first indicator to her that her actions have consequences beyond her control. It may just be the necessary jolt to her to shock her out of her remaining fog and get her thinking about what she has to lose. Nothing like bitter medicine to cure somebody of an imagined illness. She may then seriously start working towards a true reconciliation with you, the first part of which would be full and unmitigated remorse with nothing held back. What she does while she is separated from you will also give you the true picture of her post affair feelings and whether she is prepared to walk the talk that she may be dishing out to you at present. Warm wishes.

[road]

Having kids is about the best joy to have.

 

 

Being selfish is so sad and nothing to be proud of.

[dichotomy]

People have sex for all sorts of reasons - sometimes it has little to do with pure sex drive.

 

I suspect your wife had sex for very different reasons then you can understand or can deeply understand.

 

Religious people are no more moral or honest than others. Also sometimes they are also less regretful of their sins.

 

I also suspect if you dump her ass - she is not going to go on a sex binge with a bunch men like many do after a divorce. Just my guess. I think she has sexual intimacy and mental/emotional issues.

[sandylee1]

 

But what's really interesting, when you ask the divorced men about their ExW, it's always the same answer, "She gave me my kids". Ok, but any woman can do that.

 

BuddyX,

 

I'm going to challenge you (in a nice way) on that. Having a child is a big deal and it's not just any woman that most men would want to be the mother of their children. I know I certainly wouldn't just pick any man to be the father of my children.

 

Surely, if you wanted a child, you'd be looking for certain qualities in the person that would bear your child and pretty much tie you together for life.

 

I don't think enough respect is given by men for a woman, who has gone through 9 months of pregnancy, a very painful labour and the after effects on her body and mind in some cases.

 

When my brother was splitting up with my SIL, he seemed to have such a dislike, bordering on hate for her. ... and I had to tell him, that no matter what their issues were, she was the mother of his 3 children and he should always respect her for that.

 

Having kids is a personal choice. Some people are happy to put their lives on hold and miss out on the exotic holidays while their kids are growing up.

 

Others employ additional childcare to ensure that their lifestyle doesn't change that much and they carry on as normal.

 

I know a woman who was back to work after 6 weeks of giving birth to twins. She had a full time nanny and she stayed away from home 2 nights a week with work.

 

Those kids didn't change her lifestyle to any significant amount.

[Overtaxed]

Having kids is about the best joy to have.

 

 

Being selfish is so sad and nothing to be proud of.

 

Well. I don't want to start a flame war about this, but, because it's related to my issue, I'll just respond that I disagree, and the research about children and happiness also disagrees. Couples are never less satisfied with this marriage than in the few years after childbirth, and even all the way through child rearing. The happy only rebounds when the kids leave home. Is it the best joy? Perhaps (probably, in fact). But it also comes with a tremendous about of pain; so much pain that it overwhelms the joy for many people.

 

Being selfish is very sad, but perhaps that sentiment should be directed at my WW and not (at least directly) at me. This was not a bait and switch, she knew I didn't want children and married me anyway. And, as I said (you may not have seen it, it was many pages ago), it's very likely that she can't have children anyway.

[oldshirt]

Sorry for the sexist bent to this, not like men are angels either, but this is SO important to men, it's the number 1,2,3,4 and 5 reasons we love our wives. I know you don't want to be seen as nothing more than a walking sex toy, and YOUR NOT, it's only when sex falls off that we start to look at you that way (because we're so horny we can't think straight) and can't connect emotionally and spiritually during sex (it becomes a "need" more than a "want"). If any woman is reading this in a marriage that's having problems, I can promise you, if you go to bed with your husband tonight and give him great sex, tomorrow those problems are going to be better. Keep doing it, and the improvement will continue.

 

This is why I think you are being bamboozled about her therapist saying to not have sex.

 

Any therapist worth their weight in beetle dung would know that taking marital sexuality off of the table is tantamount to that marriage going down the toilet in no time.

 

There are only a few explanations for this -

 

- she is lying.

 

- the 'therapist' is a fraud and a nutjob or some kind of weird religious zealot.

 

- She has revealed in therapy that sex with you is so traumatic and disturbing for her that her therapist believes it is in the interest of her well being to extricate herself from that aspect of your lives and she just hasn't come up with the willpower to leave you for good yet.

 

I can't think of any other legitimate reason.

[oldshirt]

Having kids is about the best joy to have.

 

 

Being selfish is so sad and nothing to be proud of.

 

Please explain how not wanting to parent is any more selfish than having kids simply because you want them.

[BuddyX]

Having kids is about the best joy to have.

 

 

Being selfish is so sad and nothing to be proud of.

 

Not having kids is not selfish. It's my choice. How does the world, or you for that matter, benefit from me having kids?

[oldshirt]

LOL, well.. Not to speak for all guys, but, for the ladies on here; the complaint is always the same. It's not that the wife doesn't cook, the house is a mess, or even that their wive's bodies haven't rebounded. It's sex. 100% of the time, when men are complaining about their "post-kid" life, it's sexual intimacy that's missing.

 

I just don't get it (and never have) how this happens. Sex is fun! It takes 5 minutes (if you ask us to go fast, we will). It feels good. It bonds people together. And yet, it seems in most married w/kids relationships, that 5 minutes that oh-so-important to the husband is just off the table. A man will run through walls for you if you give him regular/good sex, he'll wake up all night long to change the baby if he knows sex is on the morning menu.

 

I just don't get why that's the thing that women so quickly jettison when baby comes along. You could NEVER load the dishwasher again and use that time for sex and your man would be 100% happier, I guarantee it.

 

Sorry for the sexist bent to this, not like men are angels either, but this is SO important to men, it's the number 1,2,3,4 and 5 reasons we love our wives. I know you don't want to be seen as nothing more than a walking sex toy, and YOUR NOT, it's only when sex falls off that we start to look at you that way (because we're so horny we can't think straight) and can't connect emotionally and spiritually during sex (it becomes a "need" more than a "want"). If any woman is reading this in a marriage that's having problems, I can promise you, if you go to bed with your husband tonight and give him great sex, tomorrow those problems are going to be better. Keep doing it, and the improvement will continue. Note that this does

 

Overtaxed, in a way I agree with everything you have said here.

 

If someone's primary objective and priority is fun and sexuality, then the last thing they should do is have kids and they should give seriou, serious consideration to never marrying.

 

If someone were to marry however, it would be critical for them to marry someone who shares the same values, mores, and objectives.

 

This is where I think you may have dropped the ball a bit. As another poster pointed out earlier, you do not share many fundamental values at all. You may enjoy working out together and going to cocktail parties together, but you lack much of the foundational framework that generally constitutes marital compatibility.

 

I would be much more sympathetic if you had many years of swinging from the chandeliers having wild monkey sex and she was saying she never wanted kids, and then years later the sex dries up and she changes her mind about kids.

 

But it sounds like your Sexlife has always been lackluster and she has always had maternal yearnings.

 

At some point people have to be true to themselves.

 

You have been struggling with monogamy and she has been struggling with accepting a childless marriage.

 

Maybe it's time for each to be true to themselves and be allowed to pursue their own nature.

 

She may or may not be able to conceive and bear children naturally, but at least she could try and she wake up in the morning knowing that may be the day, and she could sleep at night knowing she tried.

 

You may or may not be able to screw every woman you desire, but you could bed some and you could sleep at night knowing their are possibilities and that you could try.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, and I think a big part of me either closing the door or getting through this is her coming to that conclusion. The AP's SO told me such a whopper of a story (what the AP told to her) that I simply know that's not the truth. But I don't have the truth from my wife either, she's still playing the victim in this, and that behavior has to stop if there's any hope of reconciling. I have fault in the relationship, but not in the affair, and she has to realize that and come to the conclusion that it was her decision, not my actions, that made this happen.

 

If this happens, reconciliation may be possible. She needs to own her s!i@!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sandy, your remark about the woman who was back at work six weeks after giving birth to twins really sent me for a spin. I think that is the ultimate selfishness. What is the point of having children if you are going to outsource the caring for them to somebody who may not have the faintest of motherly feelings toward them. As Overtaxed has maintained, his choice not to have children is not selfish. However this woman's act of palming off the care of her six week old babies to a nanny is definitely very selfish. Why did she have them if she did not want to be involved in mothering them at the most nascent period of their lives? I'm sorry but that really hit a nerve.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Just a Guy