Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Southern Sun]

The part I put in bold is interesting to me. While she "claims" that her religion wouldn't allow her to divorce but IT WOULD ALLOW HER TO CHEAT AND BETRAY HER HUSBAND?

 

I am often troubled when someone, anyone hides behind religion as opposed to their own personal character as to why they wouldn't do this or that. Turns out, you were wise with the prenup and her argument is now null and void.

 

What's wrong is when someone pulls the morality card to say they can't divorce but then end up in an affair.

 

What's TRUE is when societal or religious "rules" box someone in to a point that they feel there is no escape from a situation. If they want one, they will CREATE one.

[DKT3]

op,

i'm not going to address the idea of you divorcing her, as that has been discussed a lot already, and it sounds like , if you could, you'd rather reconcile.

 

I'm here to tell you it can be done. My spouse had an A many years ago, but we were able to work through everything. It takes a long, long time, but it can be done. It will also have a lot of ups and downs, and it's often not a straight path. There are ups and downs, but I will say that , just speaking for myself, it has been worth the effort.

 

One exercise that you may find helpful is for both you and your ww to keep journals of each other to read, especially if you find all of your feelings difficult to talk about. Just as you have done on this thread, outline your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. Ev4ery so many days, take some time and read them together and discuss what's in them. think of them as being notepads for each other. I know that might sound lame, but it gives you a chance to work through feelings and thoughts that can be really hard to talk about in the moment they happen.

 

Also, if you do decide that reconciliation is the right path for you, you are gong to have to, at some point, talk about the problems in your marriage. this isn't to say they caused her to cheat ( she did that all on her own) , but rather that there are problems that you both need to sort out if your reconciled M is going to be satisfying for both of you.

 

one question...you keep referring to your w "psych". Is that a psychiatrist? Why is she seeing a psychiatrist? Did this start before or after she cheated?

 

This is a really good idea. My wife and I take an hour long walk every Tuesday, at which point we have a one-sided conversation were we tell each other things we are upset about. The following Tuesday we respond to those issues. During the rest of the week we do our best to avoid those issues, discussion about then that is. It started about the affair and pre affair conditions, but now it's about everyday relationship issues ie money management, parenting and so on. It's a platform where she feels safe to discuss things that in the past she would not. We're I would constantly pound her with my issues and that caused other issues.

 

Reconciliation is hard, it's very hard, it's important that both are fully committed, if you're not divorce is much easier. I honestly sense that neither of you are fully committed, but honestly it's too early, I doubt you even have all the information about her affair, which was a a sign she isn't committed.

[DKT3]

You are referencing the fact that it is too late for open and honest dialogue AFTER the affair...and that the WS should have approached her husband (the OP) before.

 

Ideally, obviously, yes. But many people don't really recognize their problems clearly, especially those that tend to suppression. And the way Overtaxed is describing his WW is very passive and avoidant. Maybe she didn't feel she could approach him, for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't make her feel she can open up to him. Maybe they both have culpability in this area.

 

But I HEAR Overtaxed being very logical. Perhaps if he can open the floor NOW, make her feel safe NOW, they have an opportunity. But only if he wants to. And only if it appears that she desires to stay in the M.

 

I'm saying that the minds of many WS have become somewhat twisted in terms of the marriage, many of the things that come out after is pure justification and bs. It's hard to sort through the crap to find legitimate issues. Example, during my wife's affair I flew home 9 hours to send a couple hours with her on her birthday only to fly right back out. During this time she informed me that I didn't do it because I cared but because I felt it was something I had to do. Huh??? Yeah it was her justifying that I didn't love her or wasn't making an effort because of love. She has since admitted it was a mixture of guilt and bs which contradicted things she had been telling herself.

 

It's never to late to be honest, but the sometimes the honesty comes to late to save the relationship.

[wmacbride]

op,

my spouse and i went through a long period of separation ( not a legal separation, more one of distance), starting a few days after I found out about his A. It wasn't optional.

 

I can't speak directly about your wife spending time on her own, but in some cases, it can be helpful, depending on the situation. For me, after I put our kids to bed and I was alone, I had a lot of time to think. Over that year of being on our own, when he came back, we both knew our marriage is what we wanted. That was a non-negotiable, an we were both "all in". What we needed to do was to find ways of making it happy for both of us.

 

I'm not saying that you have to go to the extreme we did, but I would suggest you go to the next appointment with your wife's counselor with an open mind, Ask questions and find out why he or she is suggesting some time apart.

 

If the reasons make sense to you, then work with your wife to hammer out the details. How would you north feel if she went on something like a week long retreat where she could have peace and quiet and time to think. That would also give you some time on your own to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

 

As I have said before, reconciliation takes a long, long time. It's a process, and not a logical one. I'm like you. I'm extremely introverted, don't trust many people, and quite frankly, often don't understand them or why they do what they do. In my ideal world, there would be well defined rules and paths to follow, but reality, and reconciliation especially, is not like that. Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and take a leap.

[ShatteredLady]

As someone who has reconciled after infidelity, I can attest that it is important that both address pre affair issue. It's all part of making a balanced healthy relationship.

 

With that being said, understand there is a faction of female posters that will always make female infidelities about the failure of the husband. It's normally covered by qualifiers like, cheating is wrong but, or maybe if you. Bottom line is cheating is always about the cheater, and how they deal with boundaries or lack of, thier coping skills, and impulse control. If one is lacking it's very likely they will cheat no matter the state of the marriage.

 

The control thing is another that gets thrown around, most of the time unwarranted. You setting boundaries or expectations is seen as controlling.

 

 

I completely agree. It's the first paragraph that I'm trying to highlight.

 

The OP is very logical in his approach to things. I'm very analytical but I couldn't wrap my head around my husband's choices. Our biggest issue now is simple...He's sorry! He didn't mean any of the things that he said. It's all a non-issue.

 

What!?!?!?!

 

If that's the case & I'm perfect, always have been, always will be, what's to stop him doing it again when he feels under pressure?

 

The OP is logically leaning towards reconciliation. I think that HE can do it from what he's shown of himself here BUT I don't get the impression that she's like me!! She's been seeing this psychologist (is that what you mean op?) & giving HER impression of the marriage. As a result of what SHE has said, the advise is basically 'Get away from his control! Find yourself' (indicating she's said she's so smothered that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants).

 

Is it a good idea to reconcile with a woman who has clearly a VERY different perception of their marriage?

 

Women's cheater script - "He's abusive/controlling!", "I'm completely neglected!", "He's emotionally closed-off so I have such a connection with OM. He gets-me!".

 

The issue here is she HAS been saying these things to her therapist BEFORE her adultery. I think he needs to get to the bottom of this before he chooses reconciliation. What's changed other than d-day? It doesn't really matter if it's bull or not...she seems to be the opposite of the op (not necessarily a bad thing) in many ways. She seems easily influenced & led. That's a REALLY bad thing when the influences (therapy/OM) are very against the op.

[Overtaxed]

op,

i'm not going to address the idea of you divorcing her, as that has been discussed a lot already, and it sounds like , if you could, you'd rather reconcile.

 

I'm here to tell you it can be done. My spouse had an A many years ago, but we were able to work through everything. It takes a long, long time, but it can be done. It will also have a lot of ups and downs, and it's often not a straight path. There are ups and downs, but I will say that , just speaking for myself, it has been worth the effort.

 

One exercise that you may find helpful is for both you and your ww to keep journals of each other to read, especially if you find all of your feelings difficult to talk about. Just as you have done on this thread, outline your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. Ev4ery so many days, take some time and read them together and discuss what's in them. think of them as being notepads for each other. I know that might sound lame, but it gives you a chance to work through feelings and thoughts that can be really hard to talk about in the moment they happen.

 

Also, if you do decide that reconciliation is the right path for you, you are gong to have to, at some point, talk about the problems in your marriage. this isn't to say they caused her to cheat ( she did that all on her own) , but rather that there are problems that you both need to sort out if your reconciled M is going to be satisfying for both of you.

 

one question...you keep referring to your w "psych". Is that a psychiatrist? Why is she seeing a psychiatrist? Did this start before or after she cheated?

 

I like that idea (the journals). I've not really let my anger out yet because, frankly, I'm afraid the conversation will get out of control (not physically, just say things I won't be able to take back because I'm so mad) and writing/typing is a good way to let that out in a controlled manner.

 

I know I can get over the physical/sex part; it's the "looking over my shoulder" and lack of trust and her lack of empathy while this was going on that's really hard to square. I feel like I've been living a lie and aren't sure who the person is looking across the table at me anymore. A lot of this goes with her "image" in my mind (and what she portrayed to me for over a decade) of the "good girl" and the morally upright one in the relationship. That's the real blow and shock.

 

She is seeing a psychologist (IC) and has been for about 6 months (about 2 months before the affair started).

 

What was the hardest thing to get over, or what did you let go of last when forgiving your affair? I see 1-2 years as suggested recovery times, I can't feel like I do today for that long; but, things are slowly getting better. My thinking is very disordered still (which is very odd for me) but I'm starting to get "less" of that sick feeling when I think back to that time or picture them together. I'm trying not to compartmentalize it, but, man, is it tempting. I don't think that'll lead to the type of relationship I want though, just keep it bubbling under the surface eating away at any R that might be possible.

[Overtaxed]

You are referencing the fact that it is too late for open and honest dialogue AFTER the affair...and that the WS should have approached her husband (the OP) before.

 

Ideally, obviously, yes. But many people don't really recognize their problems clearly, especially those that tend to suppression. And the way Overtaxed is describing his WW is very passive and avoidant. Maybe she didn't feel she could approach him, for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't make her feel she can open up to him. Maybe they both have culpability in this area.

 

But I HEAR Overtaxed being very logical. Perhaps if he can open the floor NOW, make her feel safe NOW, they have an opportunity. But only if he wants to. And only if it appears that she desires to stay in the M.

 

We're working on that now. I'm trying to tell her things that I've never told her before to make her feel safer telling me things. Honestly, after this, what's left to be afraid of; nothing you can say will hurt more than this. But, yes, she's passive and does avoid confrontation. And yes, we both do have blame here, I expected her to speak up if something bothered her, and she expected me to pull it out of her. We did neither, and just left it unsaid, not the right way to do it.

[Overtaxed]

I'm saying that the minds of many WS have become somewhat twisted in terms of the marriage, many of the things that come out after is pure justification and bs. It's hard to sort through the crap to find legitimate issues. Example, during my wife's affair I flew home 9 hours to send a couple hours with her on her birthday only to fly right back out. During this time she informed me that I didn't do it because I cared but because I felt it was something I had to do. Huh??? Yeah it was her justifying that I didn't love her or wasn't making an effort because of love. She has since admitted it was a mixture of guilt and bs which contradicted things she had been telling herself.

 

It's never to late to be honest, but the sometimes the honesty comes to late to save the relationship.

 

My wife would say EXACTLY the same thing. We have always had issues with "I want you to want to" do something (that she enjoys). Spending time with her parents is high on that list, they are nice people, but we just don't have much in common, so, being honest, I'd try to avoid or minimize my time with them. I never "hated them" or anything like that, it was only that we didn't have much to talk about. It drives her crazy that I don't want to do that, and that I don't want to spend time with most of her friends (same reason, good people, just not a lot in common). I'm an introvert and work in a very extroverted capacity (sales), so I love to be alone and quiet when I come home; it was never about the people, it was just that I wanted to "recharge" and spending time with anyone (even my own parents) is draining for me, especially after spending days on the road entertaining clients and "playing" an extrovert.

 

I do think there's a lot of "justification" going on in her mind right now. Some of the things she's told me led to this I just think to myself "Really; THAT'S the big issue?!". The big issue, IMHO, is clear; it's children. It's not time with parents, it's not church/religion, it's not views on sex. It's that she has realized that children aren't in her future (read back, not entirely my fault, she has serious reproductive issues) and I think she's scared/upset/hurt/blames me. Honestly, without excusing behavior, I do think she had a bit of a breakdown and the AP was just there at the right time to take advantage of it/her (just make me feel something, because right now I'm in such a bad place).

[Overtaxed]

um, please re-read what you just wrote.

 

In one post, you admonish women for not being excited about five minutes of sex, then further own, you say that will make a couple feel emotionally connected.

 

I don't know about all women, but for most, five minutes of sex is not going to be that good, and there is no way in hell that is going to fix any sort of deeper issues in a marriage. . Any woman I have talked to/ read about needs more than that.

 

I'm not "suggesting" 5 minutes as the right amount of time. But a LS partner who's having sex doesn't need it to feel close to the other person (as long as other parts of the relationship are good) the HS partner, at least in my case, does need it. I was saying that I, and I think a lot of guys, would be fine with a woman saying something like "go fast" or "this is all about you" or something along those lines rather than "no" to sex. It doesn't always have to be some huge thing. Just like speaking her love language "words of affirmation" doesn't mean that I always need to write her love letters that are 10 pages long. Sure, she'd love that ever day, just like I'd love to spend most days in bed with her. But, not doing it at all just means that one partner is going to be on empty "love wise" and bad things are going to happen. It only takes a few minutes to think up some true compliments for another person each day, and, if that's your SO's love language, IMHO, you should strive to do it. The same, however, should apply if your partners language is physical/sex. Just the way I feel about it; feel free to disagree.

 

Also, one thing that's probably worth mentioning, we spend a lot of time apart. I'm on the road a lot for work (currently, in fact) and last year spent about 100 nights in hotels. So, while my "demands" for sex are very high, if you averaged it out over a year, I'm not sure we really have that much sex compared to many couples simply because of physical distance.

[Overtaxed]

I completely agree. It's the first paragraph that I'm trying to highlight.

 

The OP is very logical in his approach to things. I'm very analytical but I couldn't wrap my head around my husband's choices. Our biggest issue now is simple...He's sorry! He didn't mean any of the things that he said. It's all a non-issue.

 

What!?!?!?!

 

If that's the case & I'm perfect, always have been, always will be, what's to stop him doing it again when he feels under pressure?

 

The OP is logically leaning towards reconciliation. I think that HE can do it from what he's shown of himself here BUT I don't get the impression that she's like me!! She's been seeing this psychologist (is that what you mean op?) & giving HER impression of the marriage. As a result of what SHE has said, the advise is basically 'Get away from his control! Find yourself' (indicating she's said she's so smothered that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants).

 

Is it a good idea to reconcile with a woman who has clearly a VERY different perception of their marriage?

 

Women's cheater script - "He's abusive/controlling!", "I'm completely neglected!", "He's emotionally closed-off so I have such a connection with OM. He gets-me!".

 

The issue here is she HAS been saying these things to her therapist BEFORE her adultery. I think he needs to get to the bottom of this before he chooses reconciliation. What's changed other than d-day? It doesn't really matter if it's bull or not...she seems to be the opposite of the op (not necessarily a bad thing) in many ways. She seems easily influenced & led. That's a REALLY bad thing when the influences (therapy/OM) are very against the op.

 

Well, she's following the script pretty much word for word. Question I'd ask (perhaps some female cheaters on here) what are you actually saying when you say those things (if they're not really true about your spouse)? I want out? I don't know what I want? I can't face what I've done and have to shift the blame?

 

And yes, she is easily influenced and led. And I stopped leading. This is my issue and I own it; I got so tired of the "Want to go to dinner (me)" "Sure (her)" "Ok, let's go to XYZ (me)" and then "I don't like anything there (her)" I just gave up. Now I ask her where she wants to go, and she hates it. Same thing with sex, I just got so tired of hearing "no" (this is years ago, BTW) that I stopped initiating it and just waited for her to be ready. Again, she hates this, which I understand, everyone wants to feel desired and I wasn't giving that to her anymore. But an ego can only take so much, how many times can you be rejected for something before you just throw up your hands and say "We can have sex whenever you're ready". This was one of the conditions we both agreed to, we have to fix this part of our relationship; she hates the way it is and so do I.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Overtaxed

[kgcolonel]

I like that idea (the journals). I've not really let my anger out yet because, frankly, I'm afraid the conversation will get out of control (not physically, just say things I won't be able to take back because I'm so mad) and writing/typing is a good way to let that out in a controlled manner.

 

I know I can get over the physical/sex part; it's the "looking over my shoulder" and lack of trust and her lack of empathy while this was going on that's really hard to square. I feel like I've been living a lie and aren't sure who the person is looking across the table at me anymore. A lot of this goes with her "image" in my mind (and what she portrayed to me for over a decade) of the "good girl" and the morally upright one in the relationship. That's the real blow and shock.

 

She is seeing a psychologist (IC) and has been for about 6 months (about 2 months before the affair started).

 

What was the hardest thing to get over, or what did you let go of last when forgiving your affair? I see 1-2 years as suggested recovery times, I can't feel like I do today for that long; but, things are slowly getting better. My thinking is very disordered still (which is very odd for me) but I'm starting to get "less" of that sick feeling when I think back to that time or picture them together. I'm trying not to compartmentalize it, but, man, is it tempting. I don't think that'll lead to the type of relationship I want though, just keep it bubbling under the surface eating away at any R that might be possible.

 

Just out of curiosity, is the therapist aware of the A? If not then, is the T now aware?

[wmacbride]

I like that idea (the journals). I've not really let my anger out yet because, frankly, I'm afraid the conversation will get out of control (not physically, just say things I won't be able to take back because I'm so mad) and writing/typing is a good way to let that out in a controlled manner.

 

I know I can get over the physical/sex part; it's the "looking over my shoulder" and lack of trust and her lack of empathy while this was going on that's really hard to square. I feel like I've been living a lie and aren't sure who the person is looking across the table at me anymore. A lot of this goes with her "image" in my mind (and what she portrayed to me for over a decade) of the "good girl" and the morally upright one in the relationship. That's the real blow and shock.

 

She is seeing a psychologist (IC) and has been for about 6 months (about 2 months before the affair started).

 

What was the hardest thing to get over, or what did you let go of last when forgiving your affair? I see 1-2 years as suggested recovery times, I can't feel like I do today for that long; but, things are slowly getting better. My thinking is very disordered still (which is very odd for me) but I'm starting to get "less" of that sick feeling when I think back to that time or picture them together. I'm trying not to compartmentalize it, but, man, is it tempting. I don't think that'll lead to the type of relationship I want though, just keep it bubbling under the surface eating away at any R that might be possible.

 

In our case, the hardest thing to get over for me was trust. My former ws was going through huge issues in his life that had nothing to do with me or our marriage ( he is a combat veteran with PTSD, and was being deployed again-that's why he left so soon after I found out about the A).

 

I'll never trust him 100% again, but I do trust him more than anyone else. I don't have faith in many people,but I do in him. He worked so hard on himself, and went through so much .

 

What you are saying about compartmentalization makes sense. It's best to deal with things head on, but sometimes, if they threaten to overwhelm you, it's okay to put them in a box for a little while until you are ready to face them again.

 

Also, as a bs, it's okay to be angry. Just be careful how you vent that anger.

[wmacbride]

I'm not "suggesting" 5 minutes as the right amount of time. But a LS partner who's having sex doesn't need it to feel close to the other person (as long as other parts of the relationship are good) the HS partner, at least in my case, does need it. I was saying that I, and I think a lot of guys, would be fine with a woman saying something like "go fast" or "this is all about you" or something along those lines rather than "no" to sex. It doesn't always have to be some huge thing. Just like speaking her love language "words of affirmation" doesn't mean that I always need to write her love letters that are 10 pages long. Sure, she'd love that ever day, just like I'd love to spend most days in bed with her. But, not doing it at all just means that one partner is going to be on empty "love wise" and bad things are going to happen. It only takes a few minutes to think up some true compliments for another person each day, and, if that's your SO's love language, IMHO, you should strive to do it. The same, however, should apply if your partners language is physical/sex. Just the way I feel about it; feel free to disagree.

 

Also, one thing that's probably worth mentioning, we spend a lot of time apart. I'm on the road a lot for work (currently, in fact) and last year spent about 100 nights in hotels. So, while my "demands" for sex are very high, if you averaged it out over a year, I'm not sure we really have that much sex compared to many couples simply because of physical distance.

 

Same here. My spouse is away more than he's home, and when he's away, he's usually somewhere that i can't contact him that much ( out in the field training or deployed).

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but try and look at the situation from her point of view. I'm not running down "quickies", but if that it the majority of a couple's intimacy, that may not be very satisfying for the wife.

 

I have a feeling that I'm just misunderstanding what you're saying and maybe tkaing it out of context. If I am, please accept my apology:)

[Chaparral]

Just out of curiosity, is the therapist aware of the A? If not then, is the T now aware?

 

I was wondering if the psych even suggested it or encouraged the affair. Is the psych a he or a she. In any case he/she sounds like a new age nut.

[Overtaxed]

Just out of curiosity, is the therapist aware of the A? If not then, is the T now aware?

 

T was not aware before D-Day, is now aware. Of course, I have no way of verifying either of these things; I know if I was seeing a T during an affair and was conflicted, I would absolutely tell him just to get it off my chest. So I have my doubts that she didn't know before.

[Overtaxed]

Same here. My spouse is away more than he's home, and when he's away, he's usually somewhere that i can't contact him that much ( out in the field training or deployed).

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but try and look at the situation from her point of view. I'm not running down "quickies", but if that it the majority of a couple's intimacy, that may not be very satisfying for the wife.

 

I have a feeling that I'm just misunderstanding what you're saying and maybe tkaing it out of context. If I am, please accept my apology:)

 

No, not at all. But the majority of our time sexually is not quickies. In fact, I can't remember our last quickie. Has to have been years ago. Typical bedroom time is probably 30 minutes or so; wife usually has a few orgasms, but can't orgasm from sex alone. She orgasms easily (in my experience) but does experience pain from sex occasionally. Her complaint about sex would probably be more about "acrobatics" than quickies, I enjoy trying new things and am very adventurous. She has said that has bothered her in the past, even thought most of those adventures (toys, mostly) she seemed to really enjoy in the moment.

[Overtaxed]

I was wondering if the psych even suggested it or encouraged the affair. Is the psych a he or a she. In any case he/she sounds like a new age nut.

 

She's actually a Christian counselor. So I doubt it; but, she absolutely did me no favors in what she told my wife during their sessions, that's for sure.

 

I don't know what to do with the IC here, maybe if we do MC together the W will see some different styles and come to the conclusion herself that the info she's getting from her IC is a bit "off" compared to "normal" suggestions.

 

I know that telling someone in crisis to run away and find yourself seems like some really strange advice to me, that's for sure!

[elaine567]

She's actually a Christian counselor. So I doubt it; but, she absolutely did me no favors in what she told my wife during their sessions, that's for sure.

 

I don't know what to do with the IC here, maybe if we do MC together the W will see some different styles and come to the conclusion herself that the info she's getting from her IC is a bit "off" compared to "normal" suggestions.

 

I know that telling someone in crisis to run away and find yourself seems like some really strange advice to me, that's for sure!

 

If your wife went to the "psychologist to "fix" her failing marriage then it could be seen as a bit strange, but if your wife went with the goal of gaining enough strength to walk away, then not so weird.

It all depends what transpired at those sessions and what your wife told the counsellor. It may be that she went with one problem and they ended up exploring other issues. She went with one goal in mind and through talking reached a different conclusion. Who knows?

Counselling can take many twists and turns.

 

In the same way a counsellor would be seen as wrong to "force" a person who wanted to fix a marriage, into leaving their marriage, it would be equally wrong for a counsellor to "force" a person who wanted to leave their marriage, into staying and trying to fix it.

The only time a counsellor would actively intervene in a marriage is if he/she thought there was an immediate personal safety issue.

 

I guess here the psychologist took her/his cues from your wife.

The psychologist has no interest in whether or not the marriage survives, all she wants is a happy and mentally healthy client at the end of the day.

[elaine567]

I do think there's a lot of "justification" going on in her mind right now. Some of the things she's told me led to this I just think to myself "Really; THAT'S the big issue?!". The big issue, IMHO, is clear; it's children. It's not time with parents, it's not church/religion, it's not views on sex. It's that she has realized that children aren't in her future (read back, not entirely my fault, she has serious reproductive issues) and I think she's scared/upset/hurt/blames me.

 

I think the problem is mainly children and I have a feeling it is the sex too.

 

Why exactly did your wife start seeing a psychologist 6 months ago?

[Overtaxed]

I think the problem is mainly children and I have a feeling it is the sex too.

 

Why exactly did your wife start seeing a psychologist 6 months ago?

 

I agree on the children, when you say "the sex too" what do you mean?

 

She wanted to start weaning off her depression medication and wanted to have someone to talk to. She was also looking to get more back into church/religion, and wanted to see a Christian therapist. It was not because "our marriage is falling apart" that picked up after therapy started, not before.

[DKT3]

OT, from my experience and many of the BS here will agree, affairs are like textbooks it takes several revisions to get it right. You're under the impression that you know, but its really unlikely you do. If I was a betting man, I would bet her affair was much longer than you know. I'm betting that it started long before she started therapy.

 

Is the reason so many of us suggest polygraph before you get invested in R. Sometimes, even when the affair is long gone the guilt or the WS knowing that you don't know it all can slow progress and keep resistance high.

 

It's really hard to grasp her starting the affair while in therapy

[wheream_i]

I'm afraid that putting my foot down too hard will actually break her, either make her leave or destroy whatever is left of her spirit to keep fighting.

 

Isn't that what you're supposed to do in this situation?

[wmacbride]

I agree on the children, when you say "the sex too" what do you mean?

 

She wanted to start weaning off her depression medication and wanted to have someone to talk to. She was also looking to get more back into church/religion, and wanted to see a Christian therapist. It was not because "our marriage is falling apart" that picked up after therapy started, not before.

 

was she on antidepressants? Some SSRI's ( prozac, paxil, etc.) and tricyclics ( elavil) can completely tank a person's libido. It's one of th side effects of a lot of antidepressants.

[Overtaxed]

OT, from my experience and many of the BS here will agree, affairs are like textbooks it takes several revisions to get it right. You're under the impression that you know, but its really unlikely you do. If I was a betting man, I would bet her affair was much longer than you know. I'm betting that it started long before she started therapy.

 

Is the reason so many of us suggest polygraph before you get invested in R. Sometimes, even when the affair is long gone the guilt or the WS knowing that you don't know it all can slow progress and keep resistance high.

 

It's really hard to grasp her starting the affair while in therapy

 

I know there are gaps in my "book" that's for sure. But, no, I think I have the timeline mostly right because I have the electronic evidence. I read it all, and could see where things got inappropriate. And that lines up almost exactly with the time when the marriage went from "troubled" to "talking about divorce". So I think I know the timeline pretty well, what I don't know is some of the details.

 

Yeah, exactly, I honestly would love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand. But, I know we can't heal until the questions are answered truthfully and without "rewriting" what actually happened. I think the facts of the story I have are pretty accurate, but, there's still a lot missing.

 

Why hard to grasp starting the affair in therapy? Especially if the therapist is, as several have said, pushing her into "finding herself".

[Overtaxed]

Isn't that what you're supposed to do in this situation?

 

Well, while I suppose it would make me feel "vindicated" to bring the hammer down, get her fired, get the AP fired, serve her with papers and cut off her access to the accounts and walk out the door, I'm not sure it would be in the best interests of either of us. Yes, she needs to know what she did was wrong and she needs to tell me what really happened here so that I can decide if I can accept it and move forward or if I can't and need to leave. But there's being "stern but fair" and "blowing someone's s**t up like a psychopath because you can". Not saying I don't understand the 2nd option, trust me, I have felt like it and I know the relief from that would be wonderful. I just don't think it's the right thing to do.