does she deserve a second chance need an outside

[mattmiah1001]

hey all ill try to keep it brief and to the point.

 

In september my fiance who atm is my gf told me after 9yrs, 2kids bought a house together, that she no longer wants to be with me and shes meet someone else, i thought we was happy i had everything i wanted in life she clearly didnt. i tried everything to get her back but with no luck she constantly told me she no longer loves me and doesnt want us to work at it.

 

we were still living together as i neither of us could afford to move out, to be it bluntly from sep-dec 16 she went through 3 guys and it killed me seeing her going out and doing stuff with different guys, early dec i started seeing someone and started to get my life on track. my ex and i decided to sell the house and go seperate ways after xmas so our kids could have one last xmas with us both.

 

we had a great time with the kids over xmas and she came to me saying it was all a mistake and she didnt know what she was doing, and that she wants me and the family to be together. now that hit me for six as i was finally happy thinking that ill be moving on and living somewhere else.

 

now does she deserve a second chance? she never cheated on me as far as i know, she told me she was talking to the other guy for a few wks before ending it with me. i decided to see how we go for a few months and ended it with the girl i was seeing and my gf ended it with the guy she was seeing aswell.

 

i just dont know if i can forgive what she done ive got mixed opinions from friends, family and co workers that i told. most say give her a chance as your family deserves a 2nd go.

 

i want to hear anything you guys have to say, i dont mind how blunt you will be.

 

Many Thanks

 

Matt

[SevenCity]

hey all ill try to keep it brief and to the point.

 

In september my fiance who atm is my gf told me after 9yrs, 2kids bought a house together, that she no longer wants to be with me and shes meet someone else, i thought we was happy i had everything i wanted in life she clearly didnt. i tried everything to get her back but with no luck she constantly told me she no longer loves me and doesnt want us to work at it.

 

we were still living together as i neither of us could afford to move out, to be it bluntly from sep-dec 16 she went through 3 guys and it killed me seeing her going out and doing stuff with different guys, early dec i started seeing someone and started to get my life on track. my ex and i decided to sell the house and go seperate ways after xmas so our kids could have one last xmas with us both.

 

we had a great time with the kids over xmas and she came to me saying it was all a mistake and she didnt know what she was doing, and that she wants me and the family to be together. now that hit me for six as i was finally happy thinking that ill be moving on and living somewhere else.

 

now does she deserve a second chance? she never cheated on me as far as i know, she told me she was talking to the other guy for a few wks before ending it with me. i decided to see how we go for a few months and ended it with the girl i was seeing and my gf ended it with the guy she was seeing aswell.

 

i just dont know if i can forgive what she done ive got mixed opinions from friends, family and co workers that i told. most say give her a chance as your family deserves a 2nd go.

 

i want to hear anything you guys have to say, i dont mind how blunt you will be.

 

Many Thanks

 

Matt

 

Matt,

 

Basically she was lining up your replacement. May not have been physical cheating, but it sure sounds like emotional.

 

There is NO WAY I would give her a chance unless you look forward to the day when she does it again.

 

You are plan B - the only reason why she wants back is because it did not work out with the other guys.

[Ieris]

@mattmiah1001 ~

 

I wouldn't give her a second chance as I wouldn't want to spend my time wondering when she is going to check out again. Sometimes they only want you back because they see you moving on and being happy with someone else.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I suggest you both attend couples counselling together before you even consider giving this another chance.

 

You have children together and a long history together so at the very least counselling will make you feel better knowing that you explored all your options and it will help you figure out what is the right decision for you.

[kmpisces]

If you don't think she cheated then I would consider giving her a second chance. I would take things slow. Consider counseling together. Maybe something was bothering her that she just couldn't communicate to you.

[whatdeww18]

Matt,

Just a forewarning, I haven't been married or have kids so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

I'd like to hear more of why she believes what she did was a mistake. Why did she decide to come back after the Christmas with the kids? Why did she leave in the first place? What has changed in her eyes from September to now?

 

I think her answers to these questions will help draw out a conclusion. Although I don't know your age I believe that we constantly can mature and grow. Did she see that she was unhappy with life and felt the relationship was to blame? Or is she truly unhappy with the relationship? Does she understand she truly loves you and won't leave to work future problems out by communicating? Again, I think if she can provide concrete answers and show you how this has shown her how to make a marriage work, it might be worth it. If she just says she doesn't know what happned and is better, I would be cautious. If that's her mindset, she'll probably be gone again soon.

 

Would like to hear a bit more about the situation.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[MrPlop]

So emotional cheating isn't taken into account I guess? Whatever the reason was for her leaving is still there and she will do it again. You can still be in your kids lives w/o her buddy, who knows what kinda bs she was telling all these guys about you.

[mattmiah1001]

Matt,

Just a forewarning, I haven't been married or have kids so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

I'd like to hear more of why she believes what she did was a mistake. Why did she decide to come back after the Christmas with the kids? Why did she leave in the first place? What has changed in her eyes from September to now?

 

I think her answers to these questions will help draw out a conclusion. Although I don't know your age I believe that we constantly can mature and grow. Did she see that she was unhappy with life and felt the relationship was to blame? Or is she truly unhappy with the relationship? Does she understand she truly loves you and won't leave to work future problems out by communicating? Again, I think if she can provide concrete answers and show you how this has shown her how to make a marriage work, it might be worth it. If she just says she doesn't know what happned and is better, I would be cautious. If that's her mindset, she'll probably be gone again soon.

 

Would like to hear a bit more about the situation.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Hi Whatdeww18 thanks to you and everyone else that replied.

 

i believe she thought that she would he happy in a different relationship as ours had become too settled maybe im not sure, our lives revolved around working, kids and going out maybe once or twice a month maybe in hind sight if we done more there wouldnt have been a problem.

 

at christamas we had an amazing time as a family and i think that she would miss it all so thats why i think she came back, although what im getting from people and partly myself i think the real reason behind it, is that the relationships she had with the guys she was seeing hadnt worked out and that my relationship with another woman was going well she must have realised that she was going to lose me if she didnt stop doing what she was doing.

 

she says she loves me and wants our family to be happy again, but that we need to start making time for us as a couple and not just with the kids all the time. im just not sure if i can let her back in knowing how much pain she put me and my family through, at the moment we are doing really well but in the back of my mind everything she done is replaying.

 

im 28 and shes 27 i forgot to mention

[whatdeww18]

Hi Whatdeww18 thanks to you and everyone else that replied.

 

i believe she thought that she would he happy in a different relationship as ours had become too settled maybe im not sure, our lives revolved around working, kids and going out maybe once or twice a month maybe in hind sight if we done more there wouldnt have been a problem.

 

at christamas we had an amazing time as a family and i think that she would miss it all so thats why i think she came back, although what im getting from people and partly myself i think the real reason behind it, is that the relationships she had with the guys she was seeing hadnt worked out and that my relationship with another woman was going well she must have realised that she was going to lose me if she didnt stop doing what she was doing.

 

she says she loves me and wants our family to be happy again, but that we need to start making time for us as a couple and not just with the kids all the time. im just not sure if i can let her back in knowing how much pain she put me and my family through, at the moment we are doing really well but in the back of my mind everything she done is replaying.

 

im 28 and shes 27 i forgot to mention

 

O wow you two are still on the younger side!

 

So what I'm already getting from your reply is that you haven't really addressed what the problems were and you are only able to introspect upon the relationship, yourself. This is good and you can fix areas that you believe you could improve on. That's the normal part of healing. However, for a successful reconciliation, you both really need to discuss what went wrong, why feelings changed, are the changes permanent, and what will happen the next time things go a little south.

 

So I'm pretty much not going to take what you said as you said you "believe." That's not concrete enough for me to see this being successful. If it were to be successful, she should be saying why things particularly went sour. So yes, any time you have a fun time with the family on the holiday is enough to trigger past memories. It's familiar and the history together is great.

 

So, she was able to tell you that much but not why she left? Words can go far, and sometimes it really is what the ex means. However, she has to back up those words with actions. You and her have to hash out the details for her leaving, what will happen in the future, ways to solve the problems, just about everything. You both have a LOT of work and communicating to do if you want this to work.

 

And finally, the way you're feeling will end up in the relationship failing. You are putting the blame of your pain on her. Though she is the cause, if you truly love her and want this to work, this is where a lot of your work comes in. You have to forgive her, truly, where you won't come to resent her. Otherwise, you'll be the one to end up leaving. Although you may have already rushed back into things like nothing happened, you need to take a step back. Take it slow, address the problems from the past, and create room for forgiveness and love to take over the relationship.

 

Marriage is a whole other monster that I am not too familiar with but I do know that resentment will erode your relationship and rushing back into things will do the same. I highly suggest you talk with her that you want to take things very slowly, while communicating problems, to ensure that you both have the best chances of this working.

 

Very sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Been]

I'll be blunt. She cheated on you. Don't care what she tells you. And it wasn't emotional cheating-she had a physical affair on you.

She wants you back because her fling burnt out. That's the only reason.

You thought everything was great. You didn't even see this coming.

You really want to worry about this happening a couple of years latter?

[Sweetfish]

Hi Whatdeww18 thanks to you and everyone else that replied.

 

i believe she thought that she would he happy in a different relationship as ours had become too settled maybe im not sure, our lives revolved around working, kids and going out maybe once or twice a month maybe in hind sight if we done more there wouldnt have been a problem.

 

at christamas we had an amazing time as a family and i think that she would miss it all so thats why i think she came back, although what im getting from people and partly myself i think the real reason behind it, is that the relationships she had with the guys she was seeing hadnt worked out and that my relationship with another woman was going well she must have realised that she was going to lose me if she didnt stop doing what she was doing.

 

she says she loves me and wants our family to be happy again, but that we need to start making time for us as a couple and not just with the kids all the time. im just not sure if i can let her back in knowing how much pain she put me and my family through, at the moment we are doing really well but in the back of my mind everything she done is replaying.

 

im 28 and shes 27 i forgot to mention

 

 

Sounds to me that the only person that is important is her. She has put her feeling before everyone else. That's the reality you need to swallow. She risked losing you, the construct of a nuclear family, and destroyed the foundation of a place for you, her, and the kids can be safe and reside in.. which owning a home is probably the hardest thing for any person to acquire and maintain in their lifetime no matter where in the world you live.

 

So knowing that this grenade has fired once.... do you think enough time has allotted for you to determine if her desires are of selfish needs or of enlightenment. Because when she is unhappy again what will she do? If there is a guy that makes her feel great later on in the future...what will she do?

[whatdeww18]

Sounds to me that the only person that is important is her. She has put her feeling before everyone else. That's the reality you need to swallow. She risked losing you, the construct of a nuclear family, and destroyed the foundation of a place for you, her, and the kids can be safe and reside in.. which owning a home is probably the hardest thing for any person to acquire and maintain in their lifetime no matter where in the world you live.

 

So knowing that this grenade has fired once.... do you think enough time has allotted for you to determine if her desires are of selfish needs or of enlightenment. Because when she is unhappy again what will she do? If there is a guy that makes her feel great later on in the future...what will she do?

 

Matt, take Sweetfish's words, not as lightly as you should with my words. Sweetfish is way more knowledgeable and understanding than I am of relationships. Sweetfish is spot on, as to be expected haha.

 

Pretty much packed all I had to say in one short, concise post.

[hrow]

Hi Matt

I always have believed that divorce is the last option not the first. Do everything else first especially when there are kids involved. Divorce hurts the kids and they blame themselves sometimes into adult hood. This being said her wanting to date so quickly is a concern. I would recommend getting some help from a marriage counselor. She can't just jump back and have everything the same. She needs to commit to you no matter how she feels and how bad the pressure may be to leave. What makes her want to run? Why would she say "I don't love you " one minute and the next want you back." These are questions I would ask with the counselor. By the way, Focus on the family.org has counseling for FREE and you can call them and talk to someone over the phone for free or they can refer you to someone in your area. These are some thoughts I had. Don't make any dramatic moves. Go slow and work together with a counselor and see what can happen!

 

 

H

[mattmiah1001]

Hi all thanks again for all the replies i appreciate it.

 

after having many conversations over the past few days with my gf, ive come to believe that she really wants to try again and be a family again, reason why she left was because i wasnt showing her much attention, i work early mornings 3am-1pm so from 7pm when i go to sleep, shes downstairs on her own bored up until when she goes to bed, and when i get home ill see to the kids and do housework then im too tired to do much else apparently i can see sometimes im like that but not as much as she makes out.

 

after trying to put the past behind me it keeps flaring up, so ive decided to let her stay in the family home, while ill move back to my parents maybe sometime apart without any of us dating hopefully will make us realise how much we mean to each other.

 

trying to keep positive and thoughts out my head, it works somtimes.

 

many thanks to you all

 

Matt

[BluesPower]

GF wants divorce/breakup, and meets someone = she was cheating and she decided to stop being with you and wanted to be with him. And of course you understand that she was sleeping with him.

 

That affair did not work out, and yes it was an affair, even though you are not married. She dates 2 or 3 more guys, and yes she slept with them as well. Of course you are "Separated" so it is really OK that she is sleeping around, I just upsets you.

 

So she figures out that none of these guys will put up with her and probably don't have as much money as you do, so she comes back wagging her tail saying that she wants to work on the marriage. (Translation none of these guys were better than you and probably not as good in the sack as you are because you have been together so long. And overall the grass was not greener.)

 

Is that about the size of this situation????

 

So my question is, are you out of your mind taking her back? How many flings does she get to have the next time that she gets the itch and does not love you anymore? Is that number 5 or 10 or what?

 

OP, you are not really understanding what was going on with her in my estimation, I think you need to split and move on for good.