To tell or not to tell [UPDATE: Kids starting to ask the question]

[Lilyana76]

I left my ex hub a year ago for cheating multiple times. I know his issue is he is a sex addict.

 

Since the split I have told no one about why we split, or what happened in our marriage. I felt it was our business and no one elses. Maybe I'm a little too passive about the whole thing, because I really didn't want to trample his name and have our kids hear what really happened.

 

But now I hear him telling people that we split because I was greedy and money hungry and he didn't make enough money for me. Um, no I threw him out after I caught him meeting with a random man from craigslist for a spanking.

 

Also, while we were married, he was fooling around with his cousins wife. I never told the cousin what was going on, but I did confront them both and told them it had to stop. Which it never did. And might still be going on today.

 

So my question is, how much do you let people know? Do you tell them the truth? Do you let them believe what they want? Do you tell every ones SO's that he was messing with them?

 

I hate that I feel guilty if I say anything negative about him and why our divorce happened, especially when it comes to what the kids might hear.

[Rockdad]

What I did when the same scenario was in front of me after my divorce was to let it go. Second thing I did was live life happy. I didn't plan it but it sure worked out that me living well and happy really pissed the ex off. I won't lie it felt good she was miserably pissed off about that.

 

This caused her to throw some rants and some more falsehoods. Yes it personally stung and I so tempted to retaliate but I didn't. I maintained what I originally did and lived happy.

 

Quite frankly after some time she began to look like an ass to our mutual friends. Me firing back would only give people something to gossip about and I detest gossip let alone being the subject matter.

[mikeylo]

Tell the kids. Otherwise they will lose respect for you , believing that you were the one who wronged the poor dad and you are the reason for the break up of their home.

 

For other people , do what you feel like.

[kmpisces]

I would tell only those cloesest to you. Explain that you did not want to embarrass him. Do not be negative just state facta. Those who aren't too close to you: I would not worry what they say.

[Lilyana76]

Part of me really wants to defend myself and what happened. Another part of me doesn't care.

 

Part of me wants to tell his cousin that his wife and my ex hub were messing around, another part of me thinks its their problem.

 

Part of me wants to punch my ex in the face for spreading vicious stuff about me when I haven't said a word about him... and another part of me, wait.. all of me wants to do that lol

[aileD]

**** that ****.

 

I'd post one email/Craigslist posting/proof to Facebook and say something like "I wanted to be the better person and not air our dirty laundry regarding our divorce, however I have heard that X is badmouthing me around town. I just want to make clear that the reason for divorce was due to his constant cheating and sexual addiction and had nothing to do with money. "

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[aileD]

The. I'd tag the cousin's wife and say "if you have any questions, ask her...she has the intimate details"

[Simple Logic]

I wouldn't broadcast the reason, nor would I keep it a secret. If somebody asks, I would tell them. I would also tell the children why. The cousin issue, yea I would make a phone call.

[AnneP]

How old are the kids? My brother went through a messy divorce and his ex-wife badnouthed and lied to all of their friends. She would frequently post things on Facebook that were outright lies. She is a manipulative sociopath who faked cancer for two years. My brother has always taken the high road and has never said anything to their mutual friends. He also deleted his Facebook account because she is crazy.

 

He has NEVER told his children the truth about how she faked cancer and how her lies, manipulation, and constant need for attention is what really destroyed their marriage. He said they'll figure it out when they're older. My dad was the same in regards to his divorce with my mother. Never spoke an ill word about her or their problems.

 

I think telling the children would depend on their age and maturity level. Personally, I would not tell my children their dad is a sex addict. If he's filling their heads with lies, maybe have a talk with him and tell him to knock it off or you're going to tell them everything.

 

In regards to other people: I wouldn't blast him on social media because that makes you look just as bad. As far as the people in your life who REALLY matter goes, I would tell them he's lying, he was caught doing some creepy/shady stuff, and there are three sides to every story.

 

I just don't know how to feel about telling children such intimate details. Regardless of what a ****ty husband he is, he is still their dad and it just seems like no good could come of telling them he's a sex addict. Depending on their ages, maybe ask a child therapist what the best course of action is.

 

I saw my brother suffer through this sort of thing and it was tough to see. He has his children for 7 days, then the ex gets them for 7 days. He pays for their after school care, all medical, paid 3 years of alimony and pays her child support. They both have advanced degrees, but he earns considerably more than her. She posts things on Facebook saying he never sees the kids, doesn't support them, etc. I called her out on it and she deleted the post. More recently I called her out for faking cancer. She no longer speaks to me. Oh well!

[Lilyana76]

My kids are 14,11 and 4.

 

The 14 year old I think has an idea of whats going on. She is really upset with her dad, and says some pretty harsh things about him sometimes. I try to deflect it by saying, "you know your dad loves you". It gets hard trying to be nice about him when half of what she says is right. He doesn't take the kids on his visitation weekends, so I think right now thats whats hurting her the most.

 

the boys, my 11 and 4 year olds, have no idea, they just know that daddy doesnt do much with them now, and they ask me about it occasionally.

 

It is sometimes really hard trying to be the mature one lol

[AnneP]

My kids are 14,11 and 4.

 

The 14 year old I think has an idea of whats going on. She is really upset with her dad, and says some pretty harsh things about him sometimes. I try to deflect it by saying, "you know your dad loves you". It gets hard trying to be nice about him when half of what she says is right. He doesn't take the kids on his visitation weekends, so I think right now thats whats hurting her the most.

 

the boys, my 11 and 4 year olds, have no idea, they just know that daddy doesnt do much with them now, and they ask me about it occasionally.

 

It is sometimes really hard trying to be the mature one lol

 

I understand it's got to be hard. Can only imagine. My brother completely detached from their mutual friends and deleted his Facebook. His oldest son is now 13 and has started figuring out who is mother really is. The ex badmouths my brother and he never says a single bad thing about her. She's making a clown of herself. Your husband will show his true colors to them. He's a cheater and a liar and won't change. I think 4 and 11 are WAY too young to discuss sex addiction. The older one would probably even have a hard time grasping it. That's a tough situation to be I. I definitely would tell him that you're talking to his cousin - or just do it. I would also tell him that if he continues to lie about you that you'll be left with no choice but to tell his children what a sorry piece of **** he is. Just my opinion.

 

Sounds like you've been put through so much and now he wants to blame you for his problems. What a selfish *******.

[AnneP]

Also, I wouldn't feel bad about telling your own family what he did. My brother was honest with us and we all took the high road for a very long time. Finally, I got sick of seeing her lies and called her out. My brother and I are close in age so have a lot of the same friends from high school. He never had to tell people what she did because I took it upon myself to inform MANY of our mutual friends the truth. My point is: you could share this with your parents or siblings and let them defend you to others if they want.

 

At the end of the day, does it really matter what someone thinks of you when they aren't a significant part of your life? Let him lie to his friends, but find a way to let your mutual friends know he's full of it. I would hold off on telling the kids the details. You could always tell them he's lying about the reasons and you don't want to tell them the truth because you don't want them to think less of him. Trust me: They WILL see the truth in time.

[Jersey born raised]

No, you cannot accept his lies.

 

They must be rejected publicly. Start with maintaing: my soon to be ex husbands recents statements are not only a lie but an outgrowth of his fundamental issues that prevent any healthy marriage with one at this time.

 

If he wishes to dispute this I will respond after he changes the divorce listing it as at fault and the reasons he has stated. At that point I will respond on a point by point refutation and provide the true reason why he is not capable of marriage.

 

Send to family and friends and refuse to comment further.

[road]

I left my ex hub a year ago for cheating multiple times. I know his issue is he is a sex addict.

 

Since the split I have told no one about why we split, or what happened in our marriage. I felt it was our business and no one elses. Maybe I'm a little too passive about the whole thing, because I really didn't want to trample his name and have our kids hear what really happened.

 

But now I hear him telling people that we split because I was greedy and money hungry and he didn't make enough money for me. Um, no I threw him out after I caught him meeting with a random man from craigslist for a spanking.

 

Also, while we were married, he was fooling around with his cousins wife. I never told the cousin what was going on, but I did confront them both and told them it had to stop. Which it never did. And might still be going on today.

 

So my question is, how much do you let people know? Do you tell them the truth? Do you let them believe what they want? Do you tell every ones SO's that he was messing with them?

 

I hate that I feel guilty if I say anything negative about him and why our divorce happened, especially when it comes to what the kids might hear.

 

 

So tell the truth

Some will believe you

Some will doubt you

[Lilyana76]

**** that ****.

 

I'd post one email/Craigslist posting/proof to Facebook and say something like "I wanted to be the better person and not air our dirty laundry regarding our divorce, however I have heard that X is badmouthing me around town. I just want to make clear that the reason for divorce was due to his constant cheating and sexual addiction and had nothing to do with money. "

 

I won't use social media to do that. For one, my teenage daughter is on Facebook, so no. For two, he might have important contacts from work and such on there, I don't want his career damaged because of his personal life issues.

 

I think I'm more angry about the fact that he is the reason our marriage and family was torn apart, and he has not suffered any consequences for his actions. And then he can go out and blatantly lie about what happened, and still no consequences. People tell me I'm too passive and they would be shredding him apart. But, he is the father of my children, and like it or not, I do still care about what happens to him. Not because I care so much, but because of how anything that happens to him may affect the kids.

 

Maybe Karma will catch up with him soon.

[Lilyana76]

Just a small update.

 

I did message his cousin on Facebook to let him know that his wife and my ex hub were planning meeting and hooking up on several occasions while I was married to him. I explained in detail why my ex and I separated and divorced. I received no response from the cousin.. however...

 

My ex must have gotten a response. He called me RAGING about how I was trying to ruin his life. He was LIVID. He told me that what happened in our marriage was OUR business and no one elses. I responded telling him that it became his cousins business when he was trying to hook up with his wife. I told him he needed to be accountable for his actions and he's lucky I haven't told the world about all the shady stuff he's been up to.

 

Right now he is also dating a married woman. I told him under no circumstances are my kids allowed around her until she has, at the very least, left her husband. He is telling everyone now that I'm trying to control him by using my kids as leverage. No, I'm trying to install values and morals in my children, and by watching his actions they will accept this behavior in their future.. NO WAY.

 

He has had his apartment now for a month, and has yet to take the children for his weekend visits. This weekend is suppose to be his weekend but he informed me he couldn't take them because he has plans with his married girlfriend this weekend, they are going out of town to spend the weekend alone in a hotel... classy. I wish I knew this girl or her husband, so her husband and I could have a little chat about what they are up to.

[Lilyana76]

Yesterday I was driving in the car with my 12 year old son. He was talking about his dad, and asked why they have never gone to visit him at his apartment. I just told him he would have to ask his dad why.

 

Then came the question...

 

"Why did you and dad get a divorce?"

 

I've pondered what to say to my kids when they ask. All I could remember is when I was younger and asked my mom why her and bio dad divorced she would just tell me, "oh we didn't get along anymore". And that was the end of the story. When I grew up and met my Bio dad for the first time at the age of 18, I realized he was a jerk. Not the man I had built him up to be in my head all those years. That lead to more questions and finding out the truth of their split from my mom. I wished she had told me when I was younger exactly what happened, maybe my heart wouldn't have been so crushed.

 

So, I told my son the truth. I told him his dad cheated on me a lot, and it hurt my feelings and broke my heart. It made me feel like I was unimportant.

 

My son looked at me, nodded his head, and said, "I'm sorry you had to go through that mom. I love you, and I'm proud of you because you stood up for yourself."

 

I guess he did ask his dad why they don't ever go to his house to visit on the weekends, and his dad told him, "there isn't anything to do at my house." To which my son replied, "spending time with my dad is something to do." I think he is quite hurt and I'm not sure how to proceed with this. Should I talk to him about it? or Should I let him build his own opinion of how his dad is behaving now?

 

I hope I did the right thing telling him the truth.

[Ronni_W]

I think he is quite hurt and I'm not sure how to proceed with this. Should I talk to him about it? or Should I let him build his own opinion of how his dad is behaving now?

 

I hope I did the right thing telling him the truth.

Hugs, Lilyana.

Going by your son's response, yes - you absolutely made the proper call, telling him the truth. (To be honest, if you would have asked before the fact, I would have strongly discouraged that.)

 

Your son sounds incredibly sensitive, intuitive and emotionally mature. . I most sincerely commend you for the large role you have had, in that.

 

I think. Why not just tell your son that you think he is hurting and you're not sure how to help him? Let him tell you what he wants and needs...he's clearly proven that he's capable. (You could also ask if he wants some outside/confidential counseling, or to let you know if/when that feels like something he wants to pursue.)

 

Yes, let him build his own opinion of his father; it's likely to change/mature over time, anyway.

As long as you continue to simply teach your son about compassion, understanding, forgiveness and all the higher qualities, then that's all you need to be doing about the father-son relationship. Your son will decide and choose for himself, at one or another point.

 

Your exchange with your son is really quite heart-warming - brought a little tear to my eye - thanks for sharing.

 

In Love and Light,

Ronni

[stillafool]

I think you did the right thing and your son handled it well. Your ex husband should definitely spend time with his kids alone at his apt or take the out. No excuses.

[Steen719]

GREAT answer, Ronni!

 

I think you did the right thing. It is hard to know, I understand. My son was older, but it still worried me. I went to see a psychologist to ask specifically about this very thing. I believe I made the right decision to tell him. Being there for your son, despite any disappointments he might feel from his relationship with his father, will give him a good foundation.

 

Your son sounds terrific, Mom.

[aileD]

You did the right thing in telling him. You didn't say anything bad about your ex, just stated the truth and the facts. There doesn't need to be any more detail than that.

 

Your son will form his own opinions and relationship with his dad based on his dad's actions now. The only thing you can say to your son about that is that no matter what, YOU will always be there for him and you are sure his dad loves him.

 

Why can't he spend time at the apartment? Is ex living with someone?

 

Kids are smart. Mine are 16,13 and knowing their dad had an affair (we are still together) made them lose respect for him. He is earning it back, but it has to be earned and it's not easy.

 

But that's not for you to worry about. I think your son probably suspected anyways based on his curiosity and comments regarding his dad's apartment

[DKT3]

Good job.

 

I think it's the biggest mistake made in infidelity, not being honest with the kids. Kids are small not stupid. Maybe they don't fully understand what's going on, but they usually know what's going on. In time if your not honest they start to fill in the blanks.

 

Funny how all of a sudden, once caught the WS becomes concerned with kids...Not so important while neck deep in the affairs.

[Lilyana76]

My ex recently got his apartment after a year of being homeless. (bouncing from sofa to sofa at friends houses)

 

He isn't living with anyone, as far as I know. He is dating a woman who is married. I know they have limited time together as her husband is home a lot with her. So I'm guessing the weekends is when he has time to carry on with her, so he doesn't want to have to take the kids so he can have his weekends free.

 

He has taken the kids for 3 over night stays in a year (mostly on holidays at his mothers house). I can see the pain in my kids' faces when they ask to go to see him, and he says no.

[Ronni_W]

My ex recently got his apartment after a year of being homeless. (bouncing from sofa to sofa at friends houses)

 

He isn't living with anyone, as far as I know. He is dating a woman who is married.

Yeah...no; no need for you to expose stuff like this, about their father -- for them, he still is and will forever comprise 'half of' the person they are and will be;

when one has to bring on board and integrate such a negative aspect as part of one's own self-image and sense of self, it can make it all sorts of difficult, confusing and challenging to maintain and expand one's true self-esteem.

 

If there is a way, perhaps just convey that their dad loves them to the very limits of which he is capable -- just like you do -- but, also, he's going through and dealing with some outer circumstances that make it seem that he is uncaring of and disinterested in them; it's nothing for them to be alarmed about; it's just a period of growth and learning for their dad that, apparently and for whatever reason, is one of them proverbial 'tough life lessons' that befall some people.

 

That is, just keep doing what you can, to know the source of their pain and do what you can to help them heal from it.

 

Hugs.

 

GREAT answer, Ronni!

Thanks very much; I really appreciate it.

[sandylee1]

Your Ex clearly doesn't prioritise the kids and I'd have a hard time telling them he loves them, when his actions show otherwise.

 

 

What a shame that your boys have such a poor role model for a father and good job on telling his cousin about it. Your Ex has no boundaries and no morals, so you have to double up.

 

 

Do they have any Uncles or other male figures they can look up to as role models?

 

 

And I would absolutely tell anyone who thought I caused the marriage breakdown with my 'spending' the truth. I'd probably not mention it was for a spanking from a man, but just repeated cheating will suffice.