To tell or not to tell [UPDATE: Kids starting to ask the question]

[Mr. Lucky]

Your Ex clearly doesn't prioritise the kids and I'd have a hard time telling them he loves them, when his actions show otherwise.

 

Lots of discussion on here about whether a WS loves the BS and many of the same factors affect the parent/child relationship under similar circumstances.

 

Regardless, I don't think it's one parent's job to quantify the other parent's feelings for the child. When my son asked me similar - but less direct - questions, I always told "I'm in charge of and responsible for my relationship with you. If there's ever anything about that you want to discuss, please ask".

 

Based on that, we had pretty good communication through some difficult times...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SaltAndLight]

I personally don't see a problem with you telling your son the truth, he is 12 and judging from his response, he is mature enough to understand. I do think you should allow his dad to show him what kind of man he is ....allow your son to form his own opinion of his dad based on what your ex shows him.

[AlmostFamous]

If I were in your shoes I think I would tell your ex that unlike him,you have told not a soul about what transpired in your marriage. I would also tell him if he doesn't stop talking to others about your marriage and especially telling lies,you are going to share all that he was caught doing. I think that will make him think twice before talking. I hope you do tell him that because it was him that blew the relationship,not you. Good luck and be strong.

[monnieloves]

I applaud your discretion. When my parents divorced my mother never said anything negative about my father which I really appreciated later on in life. Fast forward years later-now divorced-I have overheard the negative comments my ex has made about me but I ignore them. I found that I was happier when I didn't comment because I considered my replies or justifying the what when and why's a way of dragging me back in pain, depression, and anger. My decision to take the high road created a joy and happiness in me that my ex didn't have. You are doing the right thing. I hope my situation helps you.

[Lilyana76]

Well there are two people involved in the marriage. I can not say he is 100% to blame, however the reason we divorced were his multiple affairs.

 

I choose to not say anything because I don't want my kids harmed by his behavior, past or present. That being said, I just keep waiting for the karma bus to come take him out.... There are days I'm tempted to tell everyone what happened. But, I know this is not be something that I'll benefit from in the long run. Sure, it will give me small gratification in that moment to have him reap what he sowed. But, really, is that worth it for my kids to be possibly hurt in the end? Absolutely not.

 

I wish he would grow up and be there for his kids, I wish he would have to clean up the messes he makes with them and explain to them himself that he loves them and wants them to come visit him at his place. But for now, I'm cleaning up after him still... he's almost 43... hes gotta grow up some day right?