Why do my exes come back after I move on?

[Aly101]

I've been in 3 serious relationships, I have dumped one of them. My other 2 (10 months and 2.5 years) I was dumped. Both of them said they lost attraction to me and needed to be out of the relationship. They would always try to act like the happiest person in the world, and rub it in my face. I did the same back, and moved on. After 6.5 months, my 10 month ex contacted me asking if we should go out for dinner and catch up, he also added he wanted me back. I declined and told him to go away. My 2.5 year ex came back after 8 months. He said no one compared to me, and he needed space. I told him that I moved on and he had a long time before that to come back. (I moved on after about 7 months.) It's weird how people like to do this, pretty pathetic. The person I dumped, I came back after about 6 months, I was turned down but I understand why. I think all dumpees should move on, if you are willing to try again after you moved on (not attatched emotionally) then try. Make sure you have improved, and they have. That's the only way it will work.

[ElizabethIII]

Maybe because you dont do the wrong things?

 

Most people on here take the news of a break up horribly. Begging, pleading, crying, trying to get them back.

 

You probably didnt. You vansihed off the face of the earth. It might just be wanting what they cant have and then if they got you back they wouldnt be so bothered again.

[Nadine123]

same thing here, they always comeback. i also vanish like you. i dont take them back though.

[SevenCity]

I think the universe puts out a vibe that you have moved on and somehow that triggers this reaction in exes. I have yet to have an ex come back when I wanted them to - even after months of wanting it more than anything.

 

Sometimes they come back sooner rather than later for closure. I had that with this one girl and lost all attraction for her when she rebuffed my advances (still took me a LOOONG time to get over the breakup).

 

Come to think of it, I've had almost all of them come back in some way shape or form with the exception of my recent ex. I'm sure if she comes back it will be at the point when it's too late.

[mightycpa]

I remember when I got dumped for the very first time, it shook me so badly that I knew I could never go back. I was too afraid I'd hear it all over again. When some of my buddies got dumped, they were constantly going back for rejection, week after week. I wondered how they could possibly do that, and I came to the conclusion that they didn't love their ex nearly as much as I did, because if they did, how could they bear to hear the rejection again?

 

Then later, I had to admit that my dumper was crystal clear. As I reviewed the day of the breakup, I remember that there was no possibility left open for hope of reconciliation. As in NONE, NADA, NOTHING. I think that's why my devastation was so complete and so thorough. The end was certain.

 

So I'm thinking that all the dumpers in your experience, you and the two others, probably softpedaled it a little bit, and left open the possibility of a future, whether it really existed or not. When I eventually became a dumper, I took a lesson from that and foreclosed on all hope. As a future dumpee, I took that lesson with me, and I never looked back after getting ditched.

 

Taylor Swift got it right.

[IfonlyIknew]

This Is a common thing. I personally feel like the people that do the dumping don't value the other until later on, I've said it before its kind of like the dumpee has to marinate in time that will later on be valued. Honestly answer this have you met someone and kept in touch but didn't think much of them until months/years later? Same thing.

[MeadowFlower]

I've been in 3 serious relationships, I have dumped one of them. My other 2 (10 months and 2.5 years) I was dumped. Both of them said they lost attraction to me and needed to be out of the relationship. They would always try to act like the happiest person in the world, and rub it in my face. I did the same back, and moved on. After 6.5 months, my 10 month ex contacted me asking if we should go out for dinner and catch up, he also added he wanted me back. I declined and told him to go away. My 2.5 year ex came back after 8 months. He said no one compared to me, and he needed space. I told him that I moved on and he had a long time before that to come back. (I moved on after about 7 months.) It's weird how people like to do this, pretty pathetic. The person I dumped, I came back after about 6 months, I was turned down but I understand why. I think all dumpees should move on, if you are willing to try again after you moved on (not attatched emotionally) then try. Make sure you have improved, and they have. That's the only way it will work.

I know this isn't an answer to your question, and I know every case is different, and I know I shouldn't maybe, but some of this gives me hope....

[SevenCity]

I remember when I got dumped for the very first time, it shook me so badly that I knew I could never go back. I was too afraid I'd hear it all over again. When some of my buddies got dumped, they were constantly going back for rejection, week after week. I wondered how they could possibly do that, and I came to the conclusion that they didn't love their ex nearly as much as I did, because if they did, how could they bear to hear the rejection again?

 

Then later, I had to admit that my dumper was crystal clear. As I reviewed the day of the breakup, I remember that there was no possibility left open for hope of reconciliation. As in NONE, NADA, NOTHING. I think that's why my devastation was so complete and so thorough. The end was certain.

 

So I'm thinking that all the dumpers in your experience, you and the two others, probably softpedaled it a little bit, and left open the possibility of a future, whether it really existed or not. When I eventually became a dumper, I took a lesson from that and foreclosed on all hope. As a future dumpee, I took that lesson with me, and I never looked back after getting ditched.

 

Taylor Swift got it right.

 

This is so true. Especially with women. It's a combination of not wanting to hurt your feelings and / or leaving the door open.

 

In the case they are not trying to hurt your feelings it does EXACTLY the opposite. It keeps the dumpee clinging to the hope that they will eventually come back and prevents them from moving on.

 

My ex did this saying "maybe we'll get back together one day" at least 15 times on the day she moved out. To this day (4+ months later) it still makes me wonder if she will come back. It has stymied my progress like you would not believe.

 

I would NEVER do that to a girl I was dumping. It's cruel and selfish.

 

It's important to know that a breakup is forever.

[Aly101]

Maybe because you dont do the wrong things?

 

Most people on here take the news of a break up horribly. Begging, pleading, crying, trying to get them back.

 

You probably didnt. You vansihed off the face of the earth. It might just be wanting what they cant have and then if they got you back they wouldnt be so bothered again.

 

I begged at first, but after a few days I quit and stopped contacting him (the shorter term ex.) We went to the same college and had classes together, all I did was act unaffected by the break up, and never looked at him. I always could see him glance at me all the time in the corner of my eye. He would tell my friends he was much happier without me and he will never come back...look how that turned out.

[SevenCity]

This Is a common thing. I personally feel like the people that do the dumping don't value the other until later on, I've said it before its kind of like the dumpee has to marinate in time that will later on be valued. Honestly answer this have you met someone and kept in touch but didn't think much of them until months/years later? Same thing.

 

It's like the old saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone". Humans in general are like that. It's why the quickest way to get someone's attention is to remove yours.

 

People also tend to look at the past trough rose colored glasses. They forget the reasons why they broke up and remember the good times. Especially when they have experienced failed relationships since the breakup.

[Aly101]

It's like the old saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone". Humans in general are like that. It's why the quickest way to get someone's attention is to remove yours.

 

People also tend to look at the past trough rose colored glasses. They forget the reasons why they broke up and remember the good times. Especially when they have experienced failed relationships since the breakup.

 

I think you should only reconcile if BOTH people improve, so they don't run into the old problems. The dumpee might improve, but if the dumper doesn't them the dumpee might be the dumper next time around.

[MeadowFlower]

It's why the quickest way to get someone's attention is to remove yours.

Lol, Craig Kenneth quote? ? ?

[SevenCity]

Lol, Craig Kenneth quote? ? ?

 

Lol - it very well may be. I looked him up on YouTube the other day and found what he said to be verbatim what Corey Wayne says. I am not sure who came out first but I do like Corey's presentation better.

[Aly101]

Lol - it very well may be. I looked him up on YouTube the other day and found what he said to be verbatim what Corey Wayne says. I am not sure who came out first but I do like Corey's presentation better.

 

Craig definitely has more knowledge and better advice. It's opinion though.

[Aly101]

Lol - it very well may be. I looked him up on YouTube the other day and found what he said to be verbatim what Corey Wayne says. I am not sure who came out first but I do like Corey's presentation better.

 

I think Craig can offer more personal help.

[SevenCity]

Craig definitely has more knowledge and better advice. It's opinion though.

 

Who came out first? Corey doesn't hide that he has taken advise from other people but the video for Craig I watched was the exact same content.

[Aly101]

Who came out first? Corey doesn't hide that he has taken advise from other people but the video for Craig I watched was the exact same content.

 

Not sure, but I know Craig has pretty high success rates, so they must be doing something right.

[mightycpa]

Maybe because you dont do the wrong things?

 

Most people on here take the news of a break up horribly. Begging, pleading, crying, trying to get them back.

 

You probably didnt. You vansihed off the face of the earth. It might just be wanting what they cant have and then if they got you back they wouldnt be so bothered again.

No, it's not that. In the story I related earlier in this thread, where we were deeply in love and then the dumper killed it, I had the best textbook reaction one can have - I looked at her, and said "OK. Goodbye Matilda." To this day, I'm proud of that one! I didn't even ask her why, I just accepted it.

 

In return, she glared at me without a word. I turned around, walked to my car, and drove away (crying like a little girl once I was out of sight). I never communicated with her ever again, in any manner whatsoever. I vanished off the face of the earth. You'd think that over time, she might soften and regret not even saying goodbye. Nope. Long story short, neither of us heard from the other again.

 

It's not because you left. It's not because you're not a great person. There was nothing wrong with me. It's because your dumper either has lingering interest or they don't. I've been dumped by other people, done the same exact thing, and they have returned, although I'm not sure for what because I never let anybody get that far when I sensed that was coming.

 

Now, you're probably right, you can kill whatever interest remains by being a pathetic pest. That's never a good move, if you have any self-respect at all. But even if you don't, then the best you can generalize is MAYBE they'll come back. But maybe they won't. You never know, and to suggest otherwise gives hope to people that they can use NC as a tool to make reconciliation possible. It might help you, but it isn't foolproof. It might not.

 

That's really all I'm trying to say.

[Aly101]

No, it's not that. In the story I related earlier in this thread, where we were deeply in love and then the dumper killed it, I had the best textbook reaction one can have - I looked at her, and said "OK. Goodbye Matilda." To this day, I'm proud of that one! I didn't even ask her why, I just accepted it.

 

In return, she glared at me without a word. I turned around, walked to my car, and drove away (crying like a little girl once I was out of sight). I never communicated with her ever again, in any manner whatsoever. I vanished off the face of the earth. You'd think that over time, she might soften and regret not even saying goodbye. Nope. Long story short, neither of us heard from the other again.

 

It's not because you left. It's not because you're not a great person. There was nothing wrong with me. It's because your dumper either has lingering interest or they don't. I've been dumped by other people, done the same exact thing, and they have returned, although I'm not sure for what because I never let anybody get that far when I sensed that was coming.

 

Now, you're probably right, you can kill whatever interest remains by being a pathetic pest. That's never a good move, if you have any self-respect at all. But even if you don't, then the best you can generalize is MAYBE they'll come back. But maybe they won't. You never know, and to suggest otherwise gives hope to people that they can use NC as a tool to make reconciliation possible. It might help you, but it isn't foolproof. It might not.

 

That's really all I'm trying to say.

 

The thing is, everyone is different. Just because this person comes back doesn't mean that person will, no stats, surveys, or anything can tell you your chances of them coming back. You can certainly do things to increase or decrease your chances.

[jamili]

The thing is, everyone is different. Just because this person comes back doesn't mean that person will, no stats, surveys, or anything can tell you your chances of them coming back. You can certainly do things to increase or decrease your chances.

 

Im under the impression that a little begging/pleading/weakness intially following a breakup isnt going to make much difference. I think if you continue to hound the dumper for days and weeks and months... then you start killing your chances and really driving them away. But, yea, it really is different depending on the person.

 

I am also of the belief that if you go NC - if they were going to come back, they are going to come back, and if werent then they arent. But, if you stay in their lives and don't allow them to feel that loss, chances probably drop and you could botch chances of reconciliation. That's my guess.

[Aly101]

Im under the impression that a little begging/pleading/weakness intially following a breakup isnt going to make much difference. I think if you continue to hound the dumper for days and weeks and months... then you start killing your chances and really driving them away. But, yea, it really is different depending on the person.

 

I am also of the belief that if you go NC - if they were going to come back, they are going to come back, and if werent then they arent. But, if you stay in their lives and don't allow them to feel that loss, chances probably drop and you could botch chances of reconciliation. That's my guess.

 

That's true in most cases. Sometimes they do come back if you are in their life, but rarer. Feelings change,an ex can say "I will never go back!" but in 6 months want to go back. It's very complicated

[Aly101]

Im under the impression that a little begging/pleading/weakness intially following a breakup isnt going to make much difference. I think if you continue to hound the dumper for days and weeks and months... then you start killing your chances and really driving them away. But, yea, it really is different depending on the person.

 

I am also of the belief that if you go NC - if they were going to come back, they are going to come back, and if werent then they arent. But, if you stay in their lives and don't allow them to feel that loss, chances probably drop and you could botch chances of reconciliation. That's my guess.

 

That's true in most cases. Sometimes they do come back if you are in their life, but rarer. Feelings change,an ex can say "I will never go back!" but in 6 months want to go back. It's very complicated