ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Settle a debate between a warring married couple who are friends of mine. Married couple, mom barely worked for last 8 years. One 3 year old boy. Mom stays at home now to look after the boy but she wasnt working much before she had him. Now works 5 hours a week teaching classes either in the very early hours of the morning, like 6am, or after work at 7pm. Dad deals with son in the mornings before work and after work when mom is teaching classes 5 hours a week. Other than the 5 hours teaching, mom is at home all day with 3 year old. The child takes a long nap in the afternoon. Dad works full time, 40 hours a week, monday to friday. Long drive to work, skilled profession etc. Who should be doing the general day to day housework under these circumstances, mom or dad? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 In this particular situation, the mother should be doing more housework. It's only fair since she barely works outside the home. I would say the same thing about the father if he was working 5 hours a week. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vanhalenfan Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would say the mom should do more of the housework because she works less outside of the home...but that does not mean the father shouldn't do his part as well. He should have a few household responsibilities as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 In this particular situation, the mother should be doing more housework. It's only fair since she barely works outside the home. I would say the same thing about the father if he was working 5 hours a week. Absolutely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Tell them to compromise. Set up tasks that fit their strengths. That is, . Maybe one of them likes to do laundry or vacuum. Maybe one of them likes to rake the leaves. Maybe they both like to clean the bathroom. I found that when either is wearing the apron the pants tend to not be an issue. I personally loved repairing the car, saved us money. My husband was great at cooking and doing dishes... we worked as a team not in opposition. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Ok thanks for input. The situation is mom does nothing. Dad gets home from work, cooks the dinner, puts the laundry on and dries it and cleans up but frequently cant manage everything after work. She has been known to text him at work and say I am sick of coming downstairs to a messy kitchen, couldnt you have done it. She is too tired with one child and 5 hours of work to do anything. Dad is raging saying he cant cope with work and all the chores. What say you now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 You're right though it is not like we live in a third world country. They have to handwash clothes, handwash dishes. With us it takes a minute to load a washer and push a button as said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I wish I was joking. She really thinks the task of looking after 1 child and barely working is a justifiable excuse to not do much housework. So the person who works all day? When do they get a break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Ok thanks for input. The situation is mom does nothing. Dad gets home from work, cooks the dinner, puts the laundry on and dries it and cleans up but frequently cant manage everything after work. She has been known to text him at work and say I am sick of coming downstairs to a messy kitchen, couldnt you have done it. She is too tired with one child and 5 hours of work to do anything. Dad is raging saying he cant cope with work and all the chores. What say you now? If this is not a relation to you sounds like a married man complaining about his wife. Don't believe everything a married man says who is doing this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 If this is not a relation to you sounds like a married man complaining about his wife. Don't believe everything a married man says who is doing this. I've seen it for myself. I stay with them every now and again. On the occasions when he hasnt been there: business trips, she gets take out as wont cook, or I've had to cook. The last time I was there, he had been away on business for a week and the house looked like a war zone. She said sorry the housewife is away: meaning her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Surely he can do some of it... He didn't ever clean anything working 40 hours a week and not being married? I sure did. It's do-able. We ALL make messes and filth and grossness. So EVERYONE in the house who is capable in any regard, can and should be doing some cleaning, whether that person works a *very very normal* work week or not. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Ok thanks for input. The situation is mom does nothing. Dad gets home from work, cooks the dinner, puts the laundry on and dries it and cleans up but frequently cant manage everything after work. She has been known to text him at work and say I am sick of coming downstairs to a messy kitchen, couldnt you have done it. She is too tired with one child and 5 hours of work to do anything. Dad is raging saying he cant cope with work and all the chores. What say you now? 1. You're sure this is the actual situation? 2. Assuming it is... ^ ...well, you know what we think of it, and would think whether it was the man or woman who was in question here. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I've seen it for myself. I stay with them every now and again. On the occasions when he hasnt been there: business trips, she gets take out as wont cook, or I've had to cook. The last time I was there, he had been away on business for a week and the house looked like a war zone. She said sorry the housewife is away: meaning her husband. So why are you personally worried about this? What's your stake in their relationship? I'm not being snotty, I promise. I'm legitimately asking. You seem to have already drawn your own conclusions - she's lazy and so on and he's incredibly hard-working and sort of a victim, I guess - so why are you asking what our take is on it...? Genuinely curious about this. Your answers might help clarify some of this. Beyond your personal interest in their relationship, it's up to him to make changes, put his foot down or whatever...OR for *them* to work this out, as married couples all must do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Maybe I'm jaded but it sounds like OP is feeling sorry for this married man or interested in him. Sure she may be lazy but why are you interested? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 She feels her "job" is looking after the son 24/7 and working disruptive hours teaching classes which no doubt she needs to prepare for, so she doesn't need any more work. He feels he is working a 40 hour week so should not have to come home to domestic tasks. As he works in a skilled profession and she is a teacher, then money should not be tight, so they need to get a cleaner/domestic help. It's really not worth all this build up of resentment on both sides. She didn't get married to be a nanny and housekeeper, and he thought his wife would do all that stuff... A mismatch of expectations. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) Well - the boy is 3. Preschool and kindergarten are coming up in 1-2 years. If what is said is true - then wife can increase 5 hour job to 35 or 40. Then they can both contribute to a costs of a maid service AND she can also pay half the other household bills. Or I suppose she could go back to work full time right now and they hire a nanny or a "au pair" - 50/50 cost share of course. In slight defense of this - I do take days off work to care for my young child from time to time when our child has been sick, or off school and wife can't get off work. I am surprised how challenging it is to focus on cleaning and such (or trying to do some work from home) - when an active demanding child requires your attention or supervision all day. TV can only pacify/occupy them for short periods. Also my child never napped - the stinker Edited January 21, 2017 by dichotomy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 In any debate, there is his side, her side and the truth. What has she told you about her views on the topic? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Teaching 5 hours may require more preparation time. Also, taking care of a toddler is very demanding work. I personally think they should split the housework, or hire some help if they can't manage everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Maybe I'm jaded but it sounds like OP is feeling sorry for this married man or interested in him. Sure she may be lazy but why are you interested? Hell no. Not in this life not in the next life. Not interested in him. I didnt want to say this incase it outed me but it is unlikely: wife is my sister not a friend. I am sick and tired of her on and on and on and on at me that she cant manage the house and a 3 year old. Husband doesnt say anything at all to me. But she tels me about their fights. But I do think it is bad that he comes home to a bomb site of a house. He doesnt think he should be excused from house work at all: but apparently thinks she should do more. More info, my sis goes out twice a day every day, before and after the boys nap, to sit in cafes and go window shopping. She hates being in the house. She physically doeant stay in the house to do any work in it and when she is at home she puts my nephew infront of the tv and she sits texting friends. I've seen it. She was like this when we all lived at home last with mom, she did nothing in the house and out mom cleaned up after her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Teaching 5 hours may require more preparation time. Also, taking care of a toddler is very demanding work. I personally think they should split the housework, or hire some help if they can't manage everything. Toddler? A toddler is a baby who has just started walking: around 15 months plus. This child is over 3. He is not a toddler. He talks. He doesnt need diapers changing. He feeds himself. He understands no and can be reasoned with. He isnt a baby anymore. Also it isnt academic subject teaching. Think a sport. Requires no prep. Just show up and keep an eye on the class. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Your sister is super spoiled then. She doesnt think so. She was furious when the kitchen had been a mess since Monday and she texted her husband at work on the Friday to tell him he should have cleaned it up before now. I have another thread in family where I arrived for Christmas at the house: my brother in law had been away on busniess leading up to it so she was left to prepare. When we arrived, the beds werent made, the garbage cans in every room full to bursting and the christmas food not bought. My brother in law had to go out and buy food last second on christmas eve and my mom cleaned up the house. I played with my nephew and he made the beds with me and my sis did nothing. I'm just finding it hard to be sympathetic to her anymore. I dont see that she has a hard life. No money problems and she doesnt even have to work as her husband pays everything. Some women have to care for children and work full time and split chores with husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) She doesnt think so. She was furious when the kitchen had been a mess since Monday and she texted her husband at work on the Friday to tell him he should have cleaned it up before now. I have another thread in family where I arrived for Christmas at the house: my brother in law had been away on busniess leading up to it so she was left to prepare. When we arrived, the beds werent made, the garbage cans in every room full to bursting and the christmas food not bought. My brother in law had to go out and buy food last second on christmas eve and my mom cleaned up the house. I played with my nephew and he made the beds with me and my sis did nothing. I'm just finding it hard to be sympathetic to her anymore. I dont see that she has a hard life. No money problems and she doesnt even have to work as her husband pays everything. Some women have to care for children and work full time and split chores with husband. Well, in this case, it sounds like your sister is one of those "high maintenance" Barbie wives. I'm surprised your brother-in-law hasn't hired help already. Edited January 21, 2017 by JuneL 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Working one hour a day five days a week is not working a job. Her title is house wife. And with that privilege of that title comes the full responsibilities to take care of everything that resides in or on the property and all of the fringe benefits that come with the title. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 If she has always been "high maintenance" then I guess he knew what he was taking on. My worry here is that she is ill. If Christmas didn't spur her on to prepare for her guests, then something is wrong. Either she is depressed/mentally ill or she is physically ill, or her marriage is going south maybe, but I guess she needs help not criticism. I also guess she is not that old so taking care of a 3 year old should be well within her capabilities. A trip to the doctor would not go amiss here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I dont want to say to much in case it outs me. But she didnt get the house ready for christmas as it was only us and her husband. She would expect him/ us to do it for her. If it was friends, or people she keeps up and appearance for, she would have done something. She did it to us as she knows we will pick up the slack. Link to post Share on other sites
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