BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 The problem here isn't that your sister works only five hours a week and won't do any of the housework... The problem is that your brother in law has enabled this behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I dont want to say to much in case it outs me. But she didnt get the house ready for christmas as it was only us and her husband. She would expect him/ us to do it for her. If it was friends, or people she keeps up and appearance for, she would have done something. She did it to us as she knows we will pick up the slack. My sister is a sociopath. I learned at a young age to stand back, she is masterful, honestly, quite brilliant to observe. She's a genius...manipulates people as easily as taking a dump. Your sister reads as a garden variety self adsorbed twit. I agree with BaileyB, your brother in law has enabled her. If he does not appreciate her level of involvement as a wife and mother, it is his responsibility to speak up and be engaged in his marriage. I keep distance from my sister, there's no way I will stop that rock from rolling. You could either talk to your sister, as a sister....let her know your two cents; or make a safe distance and keep the peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would keep a safe distance. I would try to take your neice out for fun adventures or bring her over for fun times at your home... but I would leave them to their own home and their own difficulties... Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 It's hard to have sympathy for either of them IMO. It sounds like she's always been this way- not interested in working too hard- and he married her knowing this. I mean, you say she barley worked before having the child- that should have been an indicator to him that she may be high maintenance. There is no "should" in marriage- only reality and expectations. Everyone is entitled to their expectations, but having a successful relationship requires communication and compromise to align the two as much as possible. It sounds like both of them are expecting not to have to do housework. For some lucky people who have enough money to hire help, this may be a reasonable expectation. If they can afford it, they should hire help. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 My honest opinion...sounds like OP is kind of jealous that she doesn't have the H her sister does. If he's doing it, why would one care if you're not her H? Also if not a mom yourself, one has no room to really comment until you're a parent yourself. It's ALWAYS the one's that aren't married or are parents that have the most to say about how other's are doing it wrong. It's their business & if one doesn't agree, don't live with them...that simple! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Well, in this case, it sounds like your sister is one of those "high maintenance" Barbie wives. I'm surprised your brother-in-law hasn't hired help already. I also wanted to add that their housework arrangement is the business between your sister and your brother-in-law. It sounds like the hubby has always been okay with doing a bigger share. In fact, in many cases with such dynamics, the hubby would hire someone to help with the housework, and the wife would put in much time and effort in her looks. In any case, taking care of a 3-year-old fulltime can be a lot of work. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 This is real simple, hire someone to come in once and week and clean. No reason to fight about it. Out source it. In my case, I have one day a week we clean and do everything to keep it up. It is a group effort. Once every month I have a maid come in and do all the work we do not have time for. Best thing I did for the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 My honest opinion...sounds like OP is kind of jealous that she doesn't have the H her sister does. If he's doing it, why would one care if you're not her H? Also if not a mom yourself, one has no room to really comment until you're a parent yourself. It's ALWAYS the one's that aren't married or are parents that have the most to say about how other's are doing it wrong. It's their business & if one doesn't agree, don't live with them...that simple! LOL I wouldnt have him in a ****ing gift. IMO they deserve each other. I get involved as I am sick and tired of them fighting in front of me when I go there and they fight in my home. They dont leave me out of it and complain constantly. I am not a marriage counselor. If I ban them from my house and stop seeing them then I dont see my nephew anymore. Jealous. God almighty. Now Ive heard it all. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 This is real simple, hire someone to come in once and week and clean. No reason to fight about it. Out source it. Who pays for that ? The husband ? so his non working wife has more free time to go to cafes and window shop? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Hell no. Not in this life not in the next life. Not interested in him. I didnt want to say this incase it outed me but it is unlikely: wife is my sister not a friend. I am sick and tired of her on and on and on and on at me that she cant manage the house and a 3 year old. Husband doesnt say anything at all to me. But she tels me about their fights. But I do think it is bad that he comes home to a bomb site of a house. He doesnt think he should be excused from house work at all: but apparently thinks she should do more. More info, my sis goes out twice a day every day, before and after the boys nap, to sit in cafes and go window shopping. She hates being in the house. She physically doeant stay in the house to do any work in it and when she is at home she puts my nephew infront of the tv and she sits texting friends. I've seen it. She was like this when we all lived at home last with mom, she did nothing in the house and out mom cleaned up after her. Now I see why you're concerned; this is your sister and she's being a lazy mom by letting the tv babysit your nephew. She's also being irresponsible by spending all of her time sitting in cafes and window shopping. There needs to a balance between leisure time and obligations if one spouse is home. I think you resent your sister for how she treated your mother and also the way your mom catered to her. That's why your sister is so shiftless now-she's used to someone doing everything for her. It's never a good idea to spoil children because they grow into unproductive and entitled adults. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) My honest opinion...sounds like OP is kind of jealous that she doesn't have the H her sister does. If he's doing it, why would one care if you're not her H? Also if not a mom yourself, one has no room to really comment until you're a parent yourself. It's ALWAYS the one's that aren't married or are parents that have the most to say about how other's are doing it wrong. It's their business & if one doesn't agree, don't live with them...that simple! I know PLENTY of mothers who have more than one child and they work full time. They also cook and clean; no nannies or cleaners to help them. For that reason, your "those without kids have no room to talk" comment is irrelevant. Some situations are just common sense. If those working mothers can juggle all of those balls, what is the OP's sister's excuse when she only works 5 hours a week and spends all of her time window shopping? Edited January 22, 2017 by BettyDraper 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Just tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore and stay out of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 SHe is an ADULT. She is equally accountable for the care of the home. She'll no doubt be divorced in five years, and gloat how she got alimony because she had to "give up" her career to sit at home. No sympathy for her but I got plenty of concern for this husband. He shouldn't have to live with the "For worse" part of the wedding vows while she gets the "better" of him... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Let them live their life the way they chose as a married couple. When I was home when my daughter was a toddler, I did all the housework and cooking, etc. I was also responsible for all the medical appts for speciality care, etc. of my daughter and my ex spouse made it very clear to not contact him durinf his work hours and he never had to miss work for any child related illness, etc. He was also adament on the inconvience it would be if he would have to take away from any work time to do so, therefore it worked well for us to decide for me to be home and do all the child care and home responsibilities. He is only my ex because it turned out he was gay. Our living situation worked very well with him working and I having had been home when our daughter was young. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 SHe is an ADULT. She is equally accountable for the care of the home. She'll no doubt be divorced in five years, and gloat how she got alimony because she had to "give up" her career to sit at home. No sympathy for her but I got plenty of concern for this husband. He shouldn't have to live with the "For worse" part of the wedding vows while she gets the "better" of him... This. It's good that you're a mother and you agree that the OP's SIL is completely wrong. You words prove that being a mom is no excuse for lazy and entitled nonsense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethIII Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Just tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore and stay out of it. Ive been doing it for years. Telling her to shut it. She just wont stop. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Who pays for that ? The husband ? so his non working wife has more free time to go to cafes and window shop? Comes out of the family budget. Half each if that make it feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Ive been doing it for years. Telling her to shut it. She just wont stop. Then as hard as it is, you walk away... Keep a safe distance. Leave her to the mess that she creates in her life. Create a better and happier life without her. Friends, are the family you chose. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Who pays for that ? The husband ? so his non working wife has more free time to go to cafes and window shop? If they can afford it and both agree the family is happier with her spending more time on window-shopping and cafes, who are we to judge? Yes, some women manage to work full time and raise kids and do all the housework to boot- but that's not necessarily a standard everyone needs to aspire to. There is more to life than doing it all and when we set the expectation that women "should" be able to have a career and raise children and be perfect wives we tend to brush over the fact that of this type of high pressure lifestyle requires a lot of sacrifice and leaves no personal time (to "window shop and spend time at cafes"). Rather than setting that as the bar, perhaps we should all evaluate why working so hard is desirable in the first place. I realize these comments may not be directly applicable to the OP's sister's situation, since she and her husband are apparently fighting about this. If they were on the same page, they would have already hired the help. OP, imo there's not really much you can do in terms of giving them advice. also keep in mind some couples bicker a lot as part of their dynamics, and it doesn't necessarily mean they're having serious problems. I'd either try to tune them out, or try to provide practical help to your sister- like offering to play with your nephew while she vacuums. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I know PLENTY of mothers who have more than one child and they work full time. They also cook and clean; no nannies or cleaners to help them. For that reason, your "those without kids have no room to talk" comment is irrelevant. Some situations are just common sense. If those working mothers can juggle all of those balls, what is the OP's sister's excuse when she only works 5 hours a week and spends all of her time window shopping? Unless a person has lived it personally, then how can one know anything about it? You aren't there day by day with the couples you're speaking of, you're only go by your perception. Also I've been a working mom at one point & I got more done when my mom watches my oldest vs being a stay at home mom with my youngest...you don't count hours when you're a mom, that doesn't even exist "I've parented for 5 hours today"...being a mother the never ends. Once again, the people that aren't parents are the ones that give the loudest opinions. We all once had opinions before kids (meaning parents) & they drastically change when we actually started to live it. I personally haven't met a parent that hasn't said the same. The opinion of someone that hasn't peolived it is usually irrelevant...also when I say parent, that goes for anyone that been 100% time care taker of any child. OP...if you're sick of it, don't go over there. You want to see your sister's kid, pick'em up & take the child to do something on your own...problem solved. If she was living with your parents or you, it'd be your problem but reality is, your sister's life, household & marriage is none of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Well, my h works full time and does very well. I have a part time job. I don't need to work, but love it so he is fine with me doing it. We have 4 kids still at home. Since I leave at 5 am he gets the kids ready and off to school. I do dinner and do laundry for the kids and me, he does his laundry. I do the cleaning, but he does all the outside stuff. He also cooks sometimes, and we have a couple of date nights a week. Now, this may seem unbalanced to you, but trust me, there are obviously things I do for him that compel him to stay. Those things are personal and none of anyone else's business. Get it? If you don't like it, stay away from her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Well, my h works full time and does very well. I have a part time job. I don't need to work, but love it so he is fine with me doing it. We have 4 kids still at home. Since I leave at 5 am he gets the kids ready and off to school. I do dinner and do laundry for the kids and me, he does his laundry. I do the cleaning, but he does all the outside stuff. He also cooks sometimes, and we have a couple of date nights a week. Now, this may seem unbalanced to you, but trust me, there are obviously things I do for him that compel him to stay. Those things are personal and none of anyone else's business. Get it? If you don't like it, stay away from her. I don't see why your marriage would come across as unbalanced because you're still doing quite a bit. I don't do outside stuff either. In fact, most wives I know don't do outside work except for perhaps planting flowers. My husband does the laundry much to my chagrin. I think I should do everything because I am home but he insists on doing one chore. While I agree that the situation isn't the OP's business, her sister should not have gotten the OP involved if she didn't want the OP to have an opinion. I don't share anything that I don't want others to comment on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't see why your marriage would come across as unbalanced because you're still doing quite a bit. I don't do outside stuff either. In fact, most wives I know don't do outside work except for perhaps planting flowers. My husband does the laundry much to my chagrin. I think I should do everything because I am home but he insists on doing one chore. While I agree that the situation isn't the OP's business, her sister should not have gotten the OP involved if she didn't want the OP to have an opinion. I don't share anything that I don't want others to comment on. Yeah, but the problem comes when she says or does something and her sister turns on her, makes it her fault, her family is mad at her for meddling and there is drama from hell. And really I do feel the martial balance is nobody else's business 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Yeah, but the problem comes when she says or does something and her sister turns on her, makes it her fault, her family is mad at her for meddling and there is drama from hell. And really I do feel the martial balance is nobody else's business Fair enough. You're right that marital division of labour is a private matter. I will admit to sympathizing with my friends when they complain that their husbands aren't doing very much. That's still butting in even though I am being supportive. Nobody should have to work full time, cook, clean and look after the kids while her husband does nothing except have a career. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I think everyone in a family should pitch in for housework. I don't think it's something you get to opt out of just because you are doing something more than someone else in the house. Having a 3 year old at home can be a lot of work, just keeping up with the tidying as they go can be a full time job let alone getting to extra housework. It really depends on the child too, how independent they are, how much work they are. Link to post Share on other sites
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