Tired of giving in.

[Too easy]

Time to moan and groan. I will try not to make it too long.

 

I was out earlier with my friend Joe. We make plans on the phone sometimes the night before we go out. We are just friends, it isn't a dating relationship. Anyways, we were supposed to go out for a day on the town. It sounded cool and everything. I was looking forward to it. Then we meet up and he says, he didn't feel like doing that. Okay, so we decide to go to movies instead. I was alright with that. He had the idea to go to his aunt's house and get some movie passes. We go to her house to get them and he realizes we can't use them on Sat. I don't mind paying the $8.75 to get in once in while but he does. So we end up staying at her house for a few hours. I thought in the beginning we were only going to stay for a little while and then do something else. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to be rude about it. So finally, he says do you want to get to going. He changes the plans every five minutes. The day on the town was my idea. A lot of times when I make a suggestion, he decides afterwards that he doesn't want to do it. The movie was his idea. That didn't work out. He made a few other suggestions and I said no. This has started happening a lot over the last few months. Sometimes when we go out, he wants to run a few errands. He doesn't have a car so its just easier to do it when we go out. I don't mind sometimes. Before I drove him home, he hit the grocery store. A couple of my other friends who don't have cars do the same thing. I really don't see them much anymore because of that reason. I don't want to be a bitch but I get tired of doing it. I start feeling like taxi cab after a while. Then I want to complain and then I feel like I am being selfish. I start thinking, what if I didn't have a car and I had a hard time getting places? When we go out, I want to have fun. I don't want spend the day driving around doing errands.

[pipman1]

I know where you are comming from. most of my friends all used to use me for cigs rides and what ever else they could get from me. I used to be affraid of them cause i used to think they would kick my ass. then i didn't have a car for a while and they didn't even bother with me. they had no life no job into drugs but they were still my friends. they tried to brainwash me into their type until i woke up and told them NO get your own ride, whatever. they were pissed and i don't bother with them anymore. IT sounds like you are being used so try to stop it and if they can't accept that then they are not your friends. GOOD LUCK p.i.p. man

Time to moan and groan. I will try not to make it too long. I was out earlier with my friend Joe. We make plans on the phone sometimes the night before we go out. We are just friends, it isn't a dating relationship. Anyways, we were supposed to go out for a day on the town. It sounded cool and everything. I was looking forward to it. Then we meet up and he says, he didn't feel like doing that. Okay, so we decide to go to movies instead. I was alright with that. He had the idea to go to his aunt's house and get some movie passes. We go to her house to get them and he realizes we can't use them on Sat. I don't mind paying the $8.75 to get in once in while but he does. So we end up staying at her house for a few hours. I thought in the beginning we were only going to stay for a little while and then do something else. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to be rude about it. So finally, he says do you want to get to going. He changes the plans every five minutes. The day on the town was my idea. A lot of times when I make a suggestion, he decides afterwards that he doesn't want to do it. The movie was his idea. That didn't work out. He made a few other suggestions and I said no. This has started happening a lot over the last few months. Sometimes when we go out, he wants to run a few errands. He doesn't have a car so its just easier to do it when we go out. I don't mind sometimes. Before I drove him home, he hit the grocery store. A couple of my other friends who don't have cars do the same thing. I really don't see them much anymore because of that reason. I don't want to be a bitch but I get tired of doing it. I start feeling like taxi cab after a while. Then I want to complain and then I feel like I am being selfish. I start thinking, what if I didn't have a car and I had a hard time getting places? When we go out, I want to have fun. I don't want spend the day driving around doing errands.

[sparkle]

First of all, you need to learn how to speak up for yourself. Don't let people walk all over you. That's what you've been doing with this guy and your other friends by letting them convince you to take them wherever they need to go. DO NOT let them push you around! Don't be so passive. If you let your friends do this to you, I can only wonder how you handle other aspects of your life.

 

Remember: People cannot take advantage of you without your permission!!!

 

It's funny that you posted on this topic, because earlier today, I was reading the following book that I received as a present:

 

"How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, Love, and On the Job: A Total Guide to Self-Assertiveness" by Jean Baer.

 

So I'll summarize some ideas from this book. I apologize that this may be long and not exactly specific to your problem, but it should help a great deal:

 

Stand up for your rights.

 

Learn to express your thoughts and feelings better.

 

Learn to say "NO".

 

Be direct with your friends and other people you associate with.

 

Four characteristics of the Assertive Woman:

 

1. She feels free to state what she thinks, feels, and wants. If doing this causes arguments, she can cope and not go to pieces, harbor resentments, or attack wildly.

 

2. She can communicate in an honest, appropriate and direct way with other people.

 

3. She goes after what she wants in life.

 

4. She acts in a way that makes her respect herself.

 

Saying NO.

 

Many people take care of other people's needs before they do something about their own. They find it easier to say yes rather than deal with the guilt they may feel by refusing a request.

 

But if you don't say No:

 

1. You end up feeling complete lack of self-respect.

 

2. You find yourself with no time to do the things you want to do.

 

3. You don't come to terms with your passivity.

 

4. You virtually ask other people to take advantage of you.

 

5. You let the resentments build up and spend most of your life feeling antagonistic to others.

 

Saying "NO" is a learnable skill:

 

1. Start your answer with the word no. Don't say maybe or yes.

 

2. Speak in a firm voice. Don't say a whispered, hesitant no.

 

3. Keep your answer short and clear. Don't give long explanations, which will make you sound apologetic or defensive.

 

4. Don't let your anxiety keep you from saying no. If you're not firm, you send the message, "I'm not sure. I can be convinced".

 

5. Don't send double messages.

 

6. You have the right to say no. You have the right to tell your friend you can't run an errand for her. You have a right to stick to your own time schedule.

 

7. Practice. Think of five unreasonable requests that have been made of you lately. Now think of how you could have said no in a better way--more firmly, directly, or honestly.

 

8. Be prepared. Think of various model ways to say no. "No, I'm not in the mood to do that today", "No, I just can't. I need to be somewhere soon", etc.

 

The book goes on to talk about how to handle criticism, compliments, and anger, among many other situations. Your best bet is to make a trip to your public library and read books on assertiveness.

 

(all of the above was material taken from the book)

 

-----

 

Regarding your specific situation, you really have to do what's written above: SAY NO! The next time you're hanging out with a friend and they ask you to run an errand, tell them No you don't want to. Tell them you don't appreciate them always asking you to drive them everywhere on your free time. Tell them exactly what's on your mind. And if they get upset at you, they were never your friend to begin with. But if they're a good friend, you can be sure they won't try to take advantage of you after you speak up and say NO.

[Too easy]

First of all, you need to learn how to speak up for yourself. Don't let people walk all over you. That's what you've been doing with this guy and your other friends by letting them convince you to take them wherever they need to go. DO NOT let them push you around! Don't be so passive. If you let your friends do this to you, I can only wonder how you handle other aspects of your life. Remember: People cannot take advantage of you without your permission!!! It's funny that you posted on this topic, because earlier today, I was reading the following book that I received as a present: "How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, Love, and On the Job: A Total Guide to Self-Assertiveness" by Jean Baer. So I'll summarize some ideas from this book. I apologize that this may be long and not exactly specific to your problem, but it should help a great deal: Stand up for your rights. Learn to express your thoughts and feelings better. Learn to say "NO". Be direct with your friends and other people you associate with. Four characteristics of the Assertive Woman:

 

1. She feels free to state what she thinks, feels, and wants. If doing this causes arguments, she can cope and not go to pieces, harbor resentments, or attack wildly. 2. She can communicate in an honest, appropriate and direct way with other people. 3. She goes after what she wants in life.

 

4. She acts in a way that makes her respect herself. Saying NO. Many people take care of other people's needs before they do something about their own. They find it easier to say yes rather than deal with the guilt they may feel by refusing a request.

 

But if you don't say No: 1. You end up feeling complete lack of self-respect.

 

2. You find yourself with no time to do the things you want to do. 3. You don't come to terms with your passivity.

 

4. You virtually ask other people to take advantage of you. 5. You let the resentments build up and spend most of your life feeling antagonistic to others.

 

Saying "NO" is a learnable skill:

 

1. Start your answer with the word no. Don't say maybe or yes. 2. Speak in a firm voice. Don't say a whispered, hesitant no. 3. Keep your answer short and clear. Don't give long explanations, which will make you sound apologetic or defensive. 4. Don't let your anxiety keep you from saying no. If you're not firm, you send the message, "I'm not sure. I can be convinced".

 

5. Don't send double messages. 6. You have the right to say no. You have the right to tell your friend you can't run an errand for her. You have a right to stick to your own time schedule. 7. Practice. Think of five unreasonable requests that have been made of you lately. Now think of how you could have said no in a better way--more firmly, directly, or honestly. 8. Be prepared. Think of various model ways to say no. "No, I'm not in the mood to do that today", "No, I just can't. I need to be somewhere soon", etc. The book goes on to talk about how to handle criticism, compliments, and anger, among many other situations. Your best bet is to make a trip to your public library and read books on assertiveness.

 

(all of the above was material taken from the book) ----- Regarding your specific situation, you really have to do what's written above: SAY NO! The next time you're hanging out with a friend and they ask you to run an errand, tell them No you don't want to. Tell them you don't appreciate them always asking you to drive them everywhere on your free time. Tell them exactly what's on your mind. And if they get upset at you, they were never your friend to begin with. But if they're a good friend, you can be sure they won't try to take advantage of you after you speak up and say NO.

[Too easy]

I am not afraid of them. I do say no to them a lot of the time. They aren't drug addicts and they wouldn't kick my ass. I felt for bad for the guy I was talking about because he had it rough. He just got out of the hospital and everything. So I started being nicer to him and he started taking advantage. I don't like how people jump to conclusions and make judgements about someone on these boards.

I know where you are comming from. most of my friends all used to use me for cigs rides and what ever else they could get from me. I used to be affraid of them cause i used to think they would kick my ass. then i didn't have a car for a while and they didn't even bother with me. they had no life no job into drugs but they were still my friends. they tried to brainwash me into their type until i woke up and told them NO get your own ride, whatever. they were pissed and i don't bother with them anymore. IT sounds like you are being used so try to stop it and if they can't accept that then they are not your friends. GOOD LUCK p.i.p. man

[Tony T]

There was not one word or tone of bitchiness in sparkle's post, in my opinion. If you took her post in that way, you are obviously not ready to face the stark realities that she has tried to communicate to you.

 

I used to be a "yes" man myself and my self esteem went down the tubes. It's only when you take the priceless advice sparkle took the time to give you that you will truly be able to walk proud in this world.

 

Sparkle would never post here in an offensive way and I interpreted every word she wrote to be in not only your best interest but anyone in the same predicament.

[Miss Mojo]

...i found sparkle's post a very thoughtful one.

 

i can be quite assertive when i need to be - i used to be a total pushover and find it easy to give in to the people who mean the most to me. if i had a dollar for all the times i have said to friends and family "yes", when i was really thinking "no", i wouldn't be sitting here at my desk typing (i'd be on my own private jet complete with a spa, typing).

 

it wasn't until a few years ago, when i bought a book called "pulling your own strings" by (don't quote me here...john dyer??), that i really learnt that i could say "no" when i meant exactly that. i'd become really tired of friends wanting to rope me into doing things i didn't want to do, and i became really tired of people thinking, "we can rely on miss mojo...again". e.g. friends used to invite me out and *assume* i would drive because they wanted to drink and i don't drink much at all (they can get off their butts for once and not drink). i have a lot of time for a lot of people, but i am not a pushover anymore....and if feels so great to say "no" and know there was nothing nasty about it.

 

good luck

[jj]

s

I know where you are comming from. most of my friends all used to use me for cigs rides and what ever else they could get from me. I used to be affraid of them cause i used to think they would kick my ass. then i didn't have a car for a while and they didn't even bother with me. they had no life no job into drugs but they were still my friends. they tried to brainwash me into their type until i woke up and told them NO get your own ride, whatever. they were pissed and i don't bother with them anymore. IT sounds like you are being used so try to stop it and if they can't accept that then they are not your friends. GOOD LUCK p.i.p. man