For my son....

[Groovy]

I secretly resent your father because-

 

You go to bed at 7 PM every night for "wanting a good sleep" after coming home for supper at 6 PM. Then complaining the dishes are dirty in the sink.

 

You give me time alone in the morning on the weekends but using it to do nothing special w. him. Usually you are watching your show and our son is playing alone so I don't enjoy that time because anger seeps in you still took that time to yourself.

 

You took our son out 4 times, once to the park, one bike ride, one arcade trip and one trip to Ocean World when he is 4 years old. You act like our son is a burden and inconvenience to your day when you come from work. Thanks for one day out a year where you actually engage...that's awesome.

 

You say abruptly "I said so" and not having enough respect for our son to explain why. He is just learning life and curious wanting to understand a lot. Trying to help me when I re-inforce but making it messy with a totally wrong approach also sucks.

 

The verbal abuse of "shut up", "your a stupid idiot", or telling my son he is "worthless" on a bad day..... Even though it is infrequent it has happened enough for me to lose respect or view you as an adult... All the gifts, dinners with laughter and "I love you" mean nothing when you show me these cards. And forgetting from alcohol doesn't fly as excuse here. You would have shoved me more than once but I forced you to seek help and told you I would call the police if it happened again.

 

The fact you are an alcoholic and though I try and stay sober sometimes I just feel unappreciated and find it hard to take care of myself...the gym, eating. But for my son I try to because he sees enough of you destroying your life and I don't want him to see me falter in mine. He told you your drinking hurt him and it continues.

 

I resent the time and energy I have spent trying to guide you, explain, encourage and counsel a man who see's nothing wrong and is just like his father.

 

I resent being a full time parent with your lack of interest in our son and a 60-80 work week..... 1000's of miles away from friends and family. It is not a cake walk just because I don't work in an office job. Sometimes I think I am better off with family and friends vs you even if I had to be working it might be a nice break and not feel so alienating.

 

It's angering you think I am on Facebook all day with everything I have sacrificed.... a career, being with family and friends. Today alone I have been on the phone with the teacher getting him into a good school environment, cleaning, cooking and getting him registered for extra curricular activities to help him flourish...music, dance, soccer and swimming. Mostly because he only goes to school a few hours a week. Duh! No wonder the house might be messy between you two? And since you ignore I am responsible for his play time to develop him and make youth fun.

 

The fact my son says he hates you, he wishes you were dead and you didn't live here or talk to him is awful. I've heard it for weeks. I left once for a few days and turned back around with my suitcase because my son said he missed you. Deep down he wants the love to work out and is confused and angry. He's only 3 going on 4...this is only the beginning. I'd like to hope you can work it out but that hope is disappearing for his father. I know I hate to fight in front of him and won't but I also can't do this anymore. I have always been overly forgiving but this is too much.

 

The fact that you love your family and work hard to support us but your nice paycheck may just not be enough. I need more than that. I need spiritual wealth too....the most important kind.

 

I came here to make you happy but it seems like a lot of odds are stacked against me.....the school system, your support of me and my son, the lack of family and friends.

 

At one point I would cry, stay up all night but I am just too tired of this situation. I left before...for a few days and our son kept asking for you so I went back unsure if it was the right thing. I know he wants us to stay together but it doesn't mean it's in his best interest. My parents offered help. They have money in exchange for taking care of them. They love my son and me. I would be away from all this craziness, near friends.....When do you work it out and when do you leave?

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[whichwayisup]

I hope your husband grows up and becomes a family man, a good father and husband. You deserve it and so does your son.

 

Your son is learning bad behaviour and attitude from his dad, I know you don't want to break up your family unit but maybe separating until your husband gets his stuff together (counseling and wanting to BE more of a presence in your lives, more helpful and giving) is something to really consider.

 

I know you're just venting but doesn't part of you want to print out what you wrote and leave it for your husband to read?

[basil67]

When do you work it out and when do you leave?

 

Groovy, you leave when it's clear that your partner is not making the effort to work it out. Promises mean nothing, only clear change is meaningful.

 

Yes, your son will be hurt by leaving his father. But the long term damage of having this man as his role model will cause far more damage.

[sandylee1]

[]

 

OP- I'm guessing you've come from another country to live with your husband.

 

Your son is going to grow up thinking this is normal and will be at a higher risk of having unhealthy relationships himself.

 

I think you need to look at separating from him and focusing on your son, before more damage is done to him.

 

Your son needs one sensible parent and that lies with you.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted response to deleted post ~6

[mikeylo]

When do you work it out and when do you leave?

 

When both are working towards making it better. Its a collective effort.

 

You leave when when you have done your part and see no hope or any effort from the other to make it right.

[Groovy]

You are correct, for years I have done my best to work it out. When I was pregnant soon after marriage he drank a lot. One night a neighbor had to take me to the hospital due to spotting because I couldn't wake him up. I told him when we met that heavy drinking was a deal breaker because I had an addictive personality. He kept a lot of it under wraps. And he was an aggressive drunk. With a new born I was overwhelmed and didn't know who to turn to. He injured his back needing a spinal fusion and I told myself to judge my marriage when he stopped self medicating.

 

Then we moved to a new house and it continued. But this time I told myself not to excuse his behaviors and I took him to marital counseling for a few weeks. He agreed he used abusive language that was disrespectful and agreed alcohol was a large part of the problem.

 

Third year he had job issues. He had panic attacks, depression and was totally absent connecting with family. He would come home, eat and go to his room. When he had a job offer to move to Oklahoma and work for the city I said OK.

 

I left my Tampa family with aging parents approaching 80, a great aunt and my sister, nieces and brother in law to live far away for a first time in my life away from family. I am one of those rare people who spoke to my family almost every day but I wanted him to be happy too.

 

I don't work because there are virtually no job opportunities for females outside of working a fast food joint serving burgers. In Tampa I had a career and a lot of people who would love to offer me a job and even accomodate a schedule around my child. I have wealthy parents who told me I have a guest house to live in that's fully equipped and on an acre of property. As well as a 3 bedroom villa with a pool and jacuzzi, and gardeners on the property for the 6 months they are away as snowbirds. So money is no reason to stay. The schools are good too. I offered to work part time and take care of them as a trade off....get them food, cook, clean and they love my son.

 

I went to counseling since I moved here too. We went for one day and the counselor told him to do something special with his son on the weekend...just the two of them. And I suggested date night. My son doesn't want to do anything and my husband is too complacent to drink beer and watch TV with all his free time. I try to go out as a family to make my son feel like his father has fun times.

 

I put him to bed, I wake up with him, I help him make friends, I organized getting him into school, I taught him to use the potty, brush his teeth and pretty much do everything. My husband has low testosterone and our sex life is non-existent.

 

So we haven't done a lot of counseling. But honestly what is even the point. It won't fix the sex life, he's been instructed on what his son needs and fails. The drinking I no longer have an interest in myself. It brings nothing positive to my marriage or parenting. He however will drink even though my son specifically says it makes him sad and he's worried. His viewpoint I sit around all day because he puts on a suit and tie won't change.

 

The fact is I have virtually no support living here from him. And I have no family. I also have little opportunity to work. I don't see any sector in my life or his that is better. I really feel like he treats us as an inconvenience, is extremely unappreciative and deluded. At least in Florida I would feel appreciated and his grandparents would love doing things with him. I think my son senses how his father feels and is closed off. Counseling won't change his feelings.

[Bufo]

It seems you have answered your own question.

 

But before you head east to the place of peace, talk with a local attorney who can tell you what must be done to leave with your child legally. You may have to coordinate with a Florida lawyer to see what residency that state requires to file for divorce and custody.

 

Your H sounds like a real prize. Maybe you'll have to prepare to eat a little crow with your parents, but it is far more likely they have your best interests in mind.

[Mr. Lucky]

I secretly resent your father because-

 

Groovy, I hope none of this really is a secret.

 

These are major issues affecting your son's emotional health and well-being. They're worth honest and frank discussions with the parties involved - and absent any effective resolution, these problems warrant you taking the necessary steps to provide a better environment.

 

While I know none of this is easy, it's the least you owe your son One of his parents needs to be responsible and proactive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Groovy]

I came home after putting our son to bed and getting up with him...took him to the zoo all day while the husband took a nap and watched TV the whole time. We come home and he is cranky...again like we are a burden to his TV show or day. His tone was snarky of "WHAT" when my son tried to tell him he fell. He blamed a work issue and told me not to worry about it. I told him I am not worried, I am wanting respect and am tired of attitude.

 

And it fell on deaf ears with "Get over yourself". "Sorry I'm not perfect like you". So I finally said it wasn't working for me. I wasn't happy and wanted to go my separate way. All he did was point out family members I don't get along with. I have 17 members and one of them doesn't even get along with themselves. He told me I'm not perfect and to take some accountability. To leave. I suggested counseling. And he said "Oh now your staying".

 

So I told him maybe I didn't have the best approach tonight. I'm resentful and angry over years of telling him what his family needs from him. That I could just leave with no notice and avoid speaking my mind but that doesn't seem any better.

 

My son clearly got upset so I went to get groceries. I asked my husband to breathe on me because I thought he might be drinking but he didn't smell like it and I treated myself to an hour of grocery shopping kid free and called my mom. Dissapointing I have to do this to leave me son with his father.

 

I came back and he argued with me more so I stated I refused to argue in front of our son and would not discuss anything. He and my son were having fun and playing because I put my husband's back to a wall sharing with him our son feels like dad is not interested in doing anything with him....HIS words. I told him if he really wants to work it out and be fair to our child to hash it out in counseling. That clearly he has a lot of issues toward me as well and I should not have brought anything up in front of him. Deep down inside I know he's on defense mode. He went to the bedroom, slammed the door...came out and punched the wall putting a hole in it. Grabbed his keys and got whiskey and cigarettes. Wow....way to be a winner!

 

I told my son everything will be fine. We all love each other and not to let dad's anger ruin a wonderful day. That we will work it out. I also kept my phone with me in case the husband got out of control with anger and drinking.

 

He agreed to counseling. I feel like I am trying to fix too many things for there to be hope. But I also he really does love me and his son. He is just too stupid and clueless to figure it out. That if we left he would be devastated. But he is like his father, a disappointing, abusive drunk who simply doesn't know how to change for his family. I need to think foremost what is best for my son even if I love parts of my husband. I agree with the poster who said he already carries psychological warfare in his mind from everything he goes through and it breaks my heart. I know a child needs one unconditional steadfast love and that's me. Even though I am tired, my blood pressure is up that is me. Its not a single incident but a build up of years that is finally erupting. My husband said he's not verbally abusive when I cited one incident and he told me that was weeks ago. But when it happens at least several times a year it hurts a marriage and leaves someone feeling disrespected. Again clueless.....And when countless friends and family point it out you know it's not all in your head. No one knows one night I woke up complaining about the neighbors and my husband literally put his hands on my throat and shouted "shut the **** up" at 2 am. It was a year ago and I remember well.

 

If he goes to counseling and changes over the months...not a week of good behavior I will stay. Otherwise this is just not a good situation.

Edited January 22, 2017 by Groovy

[Jump Through Loops]

Hi Groovy,

What was your Husband's behaviour like before your son was born?

[Groovy]

We dated 5 months and got engaged another 5 months later and lived together. It was fast but we both wanted a child and I was 38, he was 36. No aggressive behavior, he went to the gym, and kept drinking fairly contained. He ate salad. He overdid drinking a few times but I thought we were just celebrating our new engagement and future plans.

 

He started smoking when a neighbor friend offered him smokes at regular pool parties. And he got rehooked as a former smoker a few weeks after we wed. He also acted like he was in charge as soon as I got married. I thought it was typical behavior and soon he'd realize he was not in charge of me.

 

I got pregnant two weeks into being married. And it seemed that added to a lot of the behavior. Things have improved from the first year we were married which was really the worst but I still feel like there's not enough improvement for us to be in a better place.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I also he really does love me and his son. He is just too stupid and clueless to figure it out.

 

You know, I spent years explaining me ex-wife to my family this same way.

 

She really does love me, but...

 

She's really a good person, but...

 

She does like all of you, but...

 

At some point, you realize people, your spouse included, are defined by their actions. He'll be worthy of your love if/when you no longer have to make excuses for him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Got it]

When both are working towards making it better. Its a collective effort.

 

You leave when when you have done your part and see no hope or any effort from the other to make it right.

 

I think this needs to be seconded as well as what everyone else wrote.

 

You learn, at some point, the best course of action is to just drop the rope in the tug of war. You can't make him want to be, or be, a better father, spouse, friend, husband. He is who he wants to be.

 

Divorce is far better than living in that.

[GroovyC]

OK...I have had trouble signing in and recreated an account. I am in counseling with him. My husband knows I have a plan if things fold. Every time he screws up I write it down so there is no arguing in front of our son and it goes to marriage counseling. And realizing things I've done wrong...blowing up at him when I'm sick and he offers no help instead of just telling him I need help because he's clueless. And actually will help. This time he knows we go every week until things really change...permanently. He doesn't deny anything and actually seems to recognize behaviors. Alcohol is still an issue but he's laid off the bottle a lot less. I can't say counseling will save us but it's nice to see a man put in some effort.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope you continue to make progress. Is his relationship with your son better?

 

Mr. Lucky