DisappointedTalTal Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 This will be a long one. But I need non bias advice, try to be open minded. My husband and I have a two year old and I have two girls (17 & 13) from a previous relationship. My husbands actions recently (last 2 years) are odd and unacceptable to me. He is very rude and disrespectful to my 13 year old who can be difficult (she's a very confident almost conceited girl) but is good, gets good grades, and doesn't get into any trouble. I think her confidence just annoys him and he can't control his emotions. He will not talk to my mother. My mom expresses her feelings openly and can be disrespectful. She was rude to him once and he even left the delivery room when our son was born because she was there. He routinely ignores me for days/weeks when he gets upset by myself or my kids. Spilling a drink, stepping on the carpet by accident with a shoe, bringing food into the car, forgetting to wash hands before eating. This time I've been ignored since Tuesday, it's Saturday. He is like a Zombie, with a blank look in his eyes, it's scary. He doesn't do anything around the house ever. Is miserable and rude 85% of the time. I don't share information with him because I never know how he will react. I don't have a partner. I have a nasty housemate who, if he was a roommate I would kick out. I am miserable, but if I left, I would be so broke because of daycare and the high cost of living where we live. We are in the process of buying a house, and I was hoping that more room would improve his mood as we are cramped and on top of each other now. On top of all of this, I think he has been unfaithful to me while working out of town. We tried counseling and it helped a bit, but he will not go back. I think he has a personality disorder that he has learned to temporarily hide. But I'm no shrink. Advice. Sympathy for him? Help me understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I don't think you have a problem with a blended family... I think you have a problem with your spouse. Perhaps it's better to be single than stay with a man who makes you, and your children, miserable. I can appreciate the financial difficulty of making the decision to separate, but he sounds very controlling and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. And, if he has been unfaithful... I feel badly for your children. No child should ever have to grow up in a home with this much conflict. You really need to think about things... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Your husband is the problem here. His ignoring you, known as stonewalling is a form of punishment for you. If you Google 'mumsnet' and post this there, you'll get a lot of advice. There is a wealth of experience from others with blended families as well. It's a UK based forum, but the problem you describe is often mentioned there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Sympathy for him? DisappointedTalTal, if you could put yourself in your husband's shoes (as hard as that might be) and he were posting here instead of you - what would he say? In a few short sentences, what would his assessment of your marriage be? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kmpisces Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I agree the husband is causing the concerns. I would talk to him about his behaviors. I would be kind but let him know you are worried. Is this behavior of the last couple years out of character for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DisappointedTalTal Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Reply to Mr. Lucky, I'm a pretty empathetic person and have put myself in his shoes. I would NEVER treat people the way he does. Period. I would make efforts at improving the relationships, like I'm trying to do already. But I was raised to be a good, unselfish, giving person. My 17 yo was crying a few months back and told him that I (her mom) am too good and nice to be treated the way he treats me. He says that he didn't think it would be so hard to live with children. Btw on a family trip his family quietly asked him in another language if he was being nice to me. And reminded him to be a good person. I'm thinking this may be a pattern. Now I know why he's twice divorced. That being said. I'm curious to know more about what you mean. Do you sympathize with him? Do you think I should do something different, more? I'm really trying to find sympathy. Because at this point I would rather live in a shack than continue this misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DisappointedTalTal Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 I agree the husband is causing the concerns. I would talk to him about his behaviors. I would be kind but let him know you are worried. Is this behavior of the last couple years out of character for him? Now that I think back, I saw glimpses of this behavior earlier, but he snapped right out of it. Now it's almost constant. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) I dont know if this has been from the onset of your sons birth or problems with your mother so i am assuming it has been the last two years that changes have been occurring in your husband..how long were you together before changes started occurring is this a gradual change or did it happen suddenly.....if there were any major changes that occurred in your family like deaths or moving or unemployment or financial stressors.........or drug problems or increase in alcohol....????.. i cant possibly say whats wrong with your husband.....the zombie ness is a worry.....before you go the personality try the physical....he needs a full check up ...physical health...could be a brain tumor for all anyone knows....or serious physical illness he need to go to a doctor...depression i dont know if its considered a personality disorder but it is a debilitating illness.....causes aggression in some apathy...the zombieness sounds like apathy...lol....sorry i have four dogs staring at my dinner while im typing..they aint gittin it...... i wanted to answer you so i didnt forget or switch......yep disasscoiative disorder so im typing while eating.....multi in every way....) i become quiet when i go into clinical depression yes i have been diagnosed as that one of my many diagnosis...my family knwo i am depressed when i dont talk.....the fire in my eeyes...gone ...laughter...gone..talkign gone...i can go withotu talking for weeks when i get to that stage it isnt long before i am hospitalised and they try to medicate me and fail....they get em over th ehurdle though by 24 7 supervision.....i havent got the opportunity to on impulse hang myself......or swim out into my bay till i cant swim anymore and then try and swim back......my survival instinct will keep me going until i cant go anymore.....so i would go down fighting to stay alive...sick huh..... its easy to label people when you dont understand them but the only solution is for you to get to a doctor and make sure he has a full check up he might not want to do this...dont blame him for that, hate docs myself..sick people normally do........but gently say i cant handle this anymore its getting too hard and ask him to do it for you....after a full physical check up .......explain to the doctor the symptoms and issues that you see.......every day...start journaling.....its easy to forget when you are sitting in front of the doctor.....he most likely will have you noticed any forgetfulness......misplacing things.....losing things......document it..... i feel people are always worth effort you love him he obviously loves you and your family blended ...has gone through some probable hard knocks already....there coudl be reasons unknown for his behavior and i know you say that he has a hidden disorder...he has been hiding.....that would make more sense if you now werent able to feel it and see the changes you are..........and if he could switch .....from the guy you knew to the guy he is now..sounds like to me ...he is staying the same?...if he is there's a problem there needs identifying.... i hope you and your husband get relief from this situation and that your blended family grows stronger together....hugs...deb Edited March 5, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Now you know why he was twice divorced. Are you making plans to leave and find somewhere else to love. Because I too would rather live in a shack than suffer his kind of emotional abuse. And, I would never want to subject my children to this kind of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Sounds like he's fighting depression..... Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Your husband is the problem and not the family. You know the solution, but you aren't willing to do it So what do you want us to say? He won't go to counseling, you don't talk to him, he's probably a cheater, if he was a roommate he'd be gone but you need his money so you're willing to stay. I'm just being blunt. You already know the answer. You have to make a sacrifice somewhere. Are you going to sacrifice income class or sacrifice the happiness and health of your children and yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) I agree with others views but.....just for information. I am a stepdad, and bring children in to your home/life, raising them, is very hard. All sorts of emotions I had....not that I was not a good stepdad/husband - I was pretty damn good - but it was VERY hard and lonely at times. Then there was biodad (ex) in the picture and lots of drama from him and his wife. The teen years are hard many times for parents and 10X for step parents. Also things got a bit harder when we had our own kids as well - for the whole dynamic. I killed myself for my step kids, took care of them, but they dont have much affection for me like they do their mom (and even biodad) - I am just feel like a great stable secure care taker for them. I wish they loved me like I loved them. I am NOT excusing your husband. Just saying you might not get what its like in those step shoes. I am concerned it appears he is not bonding or doing much with his bio-son ? I have been overjoyed with the love and bond with my own - not that I ever did more or less for my stepkids just there was a special bond. But back to my first point - I agree your husband has issues. Edited March 5, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Reply to Mr. Lucky, That being said. I'm curious to know more about what you mean. Do you sympathize with him? Do you think I should do something different, more? I am NOT excusing your husband. Just saying you might not get what its like in those step shoes. Exactly. I think he's in a very difficult situation - and handling it very poorly. Huge challenge here and the simple answer may be that neither of you are able to rise to the occasion. Regardless, your priority should be your children and their physical/emotional health... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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