Staying Friends

[gypsilady]

After several attempts to stay friends with MM. I've realized that this just doesn't work. It's rare if not impossible. No matter how hard I've tried & wished for it to be so; it just won't work. Not only have I lost what I considered a best friend, I've lost love.

 

It was not him that couldn't do this. It was me. I fell in love. No matter how hard I tried to keep those feelings buried deep, they just kept rising. He was always clear about his situation. He never lead me to believe for one moment that he'd leave his family. It was crystal clear & confirmed on a regular basis. He rarely expressed his feelings for me, but it was evident in the subtle things. I knew how he felt about me without a word. Th only promise he made was that our friendship is far more important to him than any physical intimacy we shared & that if it meant we had to let go to come back to protect that it would be worth it. I was never led on, was always given space and the best interest of both of us rose above all of the A.

I'm in my late 40's. I've no desire for marriage or a hard core commitment at this point of my life. I've made my teenage my main priority & do not wish to burden her with relationship drama. I hoped with that mindset and commitment to her that I could still have some fun "me" time. But I reached a point where I didn't want to share MM. I also desired friendship/intamacy/romance rather than friendship/sex/awkward intimacy. I don't want to be around someone who says "I don't want to hurt you". "I don't want to destroy you." So I cut off; for o grieve, heal & refocus my life.

Yes, I've blocked and deleted. NC and he will honor that I believe.

Just broken in two right now. I am not destroyed & have hope of recovery & more & more days of peace. But I reached out to this forum to share & be a part of healing with others.

So thank you. And feel free to post replies as I grieve.

[Poppy47]

After several attempts to stay friends with MM. I've realized that this just doesn't work. It's rare if not impossible. No matter how hard I've tried & wished for it to be so; it just won't work. Not only have I lost what I considered a best friend, I've lost love.

 

It was not him that couldn't do this. It was me. I fell in love. No matter how hard I tried to keep those feelings buried deep, they just kept rising. He was always clear about his situation. He never lead me to believe for one moment that he'd leave his family. It was crystal clear & confirmed on a regular basis. He rarely expressed his feelings for me, but it was evident in the subtle things. I knew how he felt about me without a word. Th only promise he made was that our friendship is far more important to him than any physical intimacy we shared & that if it meant we had to let go to come back to protect that it would be worth it. I was never led on, was always given space and the best interest of both of us rose above all of the A.

I'm in my late 40's. I've no desire for marriage or a hard core commitment at this point of my life. I've made my teenage my main priority & do not wish to burden her with relationship drama. I hoped with that mindset and commitment to her that I could still have some fun "me" time. But I reached a point where I didn't want to share MM. I also desired friendship/intamacy/romance rather than friendship/sex/awkward intimacy. I don't want to be around someone who says "I don't want to hurt you". "I don't want to destroy you." So I cut off; for o grieve, heal & refocus my life.

Yes, I've blocked and deleted. NC and he will honor that I believe.

Just broken in two right now. I am not destroyed & have hope of recovery & more & more days of peace. But I reached out to this forum to share & be a part of healing with others.

So thank you. And feel free to post replies as I grieve.

 

Accolades for blocking him and going NC. He has told you what you are to him, and please, don't interpret his feelings. What was evident to you might be totally incorrect. He was a timewaster and a user.

 

Also hats off to you for making your child your priority. However, do not sacrifice yourself to the extent of robbing yourself of personal relationships. That leads to looking for love in the wrong place, which you have been doing.

 

You do not have to marry somebody, or commit to somebody to have fun and date. I am sure there are plenty of single men happy to date you.

 

Keep in mind that if you ever go back to xMM and your child discovers the A, you will not be viewed in a good light as an ideal role model.

 

As for remaining friends..... ex lovers can rarely remain friends. It seems that it's ok for the MM. He is just keeping things bubbling along until the OW weakens and the A starts again. It's easier to do that than groom another woman for his purposes.

 

Stay strong and keep your resolve. You will find many lovely people on this forum with years of A experiences to share with you.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Poppy.

[jah526]

As for remaining friends..... ex lovers can rarely remain friends. It seems that it's ok for the MM. He is just keeping things bubbling along until the OW weakens and the A starts again. It's easier to do that than groom another woman for his purposes.

 

Been down this road several times. Words of wisdom.

[sandylee1]

Accolades for blocking him and going NC.

 

He has told you what you are to him, and please, don't interpret his feelings. What was evident to you might be totally incorrect.

 

You do not have to marry somebody, or commit to somebody to have fun and date. I am sure there are plenty of single men happy to date you.

 

Keep in mind that if you ever go back to xMM and your child discovers the A, you will not be viewed in a good light as an ideal role model.

 

 

 

Some very good points there. There are many single mothers who have a relationship and their children are always their priority. I'm not sure why you feel this isn't possible, when it's very normal.

 

It sounds very much like you're trying to justify having an affair, by saying your teen is a priority. Translating to a MM is better, because 'I don't have the time to commit to a relationship.'

 

Well done on the blocking. You can't be friends when you're in love with him.

[gypsilady]

He said he loved me. It was not often because he said he didn't want to hurt me or give me hope that something might happen.

I get it. But understanding that and keeping that hope dead is not only difficult, but the situation is not moral and is not fair to anyone. So that is why I let go.

I know I am doing the right thing. And on the occasions where we tried to just be friends, he even agreed that it was right in letting go. It's just the intimacy and (can I say...) INCREDIBLE physical contact, just happened... and I don't want to ever go there again. It messes with my head and it messes with my heart.

My best situation in this... and hope.... is that I grow... heal and get over this so I can move on to an ELIGIBLE man someday. Then and only then can I even think about a friendship with xMM very cautiously and extremely carefully if even that. I just have my doubts that a friendship down the road... way down the road will even be possible. I think it would just complicate things even more. And I fear I'd be right back where I was. I know myself well enough to say I am not the most disciplined person... hence the reason I got in this situation in the first place.

Edited January 22, 2017 by gypsilady
first section did not post

[Poppy47]

If you move that far, you will never even consider him for a friend.

 

Poppy.

[Satu]

Here's that poem again; as relevant as ever:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[gypsilady]

I tend to believe this - I will outgrow it and for me... I normally do not look back. I can sympathize with the many people I have read about on this forum. Because of my upbringing (yeah, I am a gypsy) I tend to turn off the switch and move on. As hard as it was growing up on the go, I have that to thank for moving on from things easier than most.

[gypsilady]

I am going to save that poem. It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

after several attempts to stay friends with mm. I've realized that this just doesn't work. It's rare if not impossible. No matter how hard i've tried & wished for it to be so; it just won't work. Not only have i lost what i considered a best friend, i've lost love.

....

So thank you. And feel free to post replies as i grieve.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[jennifernyc84]

I can imagine having a teenage daughter would require a lot of your time and attention, but 40-something is way to young to just give up!

 

I think it's extremely hard to remain friends with someone you are in love with. I've tried to do it for years! It isn't working out so well. I kept my feelings to my self for fear of ruining our friendship because he was very important to me. One day, he decided to take advantage of my feelings and string me along for 4 years using me as a sex object.

 

I'd broken it off with him time and time again, only to have me beg me for another chance saying that he loved me and wanted to be with me, marry me blah blah blah.

 

It's been a few weeks now of NC, and it's a living hell! I miss him like crazy but it's better then being his side piece.

 

Bottom line, I don't think you can be friends with someone that you're in love with, who is also sexually attracted to you, and also is married.

 

It's too soap-opera-ish

Edited January 23, 2017 by jennifernyc84