ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Hello all, I'm 35, married with 2 kids. Been married 8 years. Before I deployed earlier this year, my wife caught me texting another girl. I met this girl on the Tango chat room and chatted for about a month. The reason I did it was because she was being distant and hanginging around other guys from her nursing class. It made me feel that I wasn't important so I got on that chat site. I ended it from there and for the next 2 weeks we got back on track. I deployed for 9 months. The first 2 months we FaceTime and everything seemed ok. Out of the blue, months 3-9 we hardly communicated. I would talk to my kids but she always seemed busy. About month 8 she told me it might be best that we not live together when I get back. So I come back home 11 days ago and I found she's been going out with another married man to clubs, stores, ranges ect. My kids said this guy is over the house a lot. They also told me mommybslept at his house on the couch while his wife was gone and obviously my kids where there. My wife knows this guy cause he was in Nursing school with him. Indont think she is in this guy sexually, cause she (Who is black), never looked at Asian guys like that. I feel he filled the void, but I wondered why he was around my wife a lot and not his. I talked to her parents who are both in the church. They said to give her space, because she felt that inwasnt loyal and disrespectful before I left on deployment. She is telling me she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling or reconciliation, and wants a divorce but will not initiate it(Base Legal is free, so money is not a problem). She tells her mom that she is focused on the kid and finishing school and DOESNT NECESSARILY WANT A DIVORCE. I feel this was a shotgun separation as no ground rules where established. I'm not sure wether just to talk to her about the kids and leaving her alone or to keep pushing it. It seems like my aggressive approach is making me look desperate but it hurts so bad. I just want my family back. So many mixed feelings as she is telling me one thing and her family another, but yet she hasn't filled for divorce. I did talk to a lawyer just in case I did get served, but I need advice on what to do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I do realize that I was wrong, I admitted it and why I did it and that was that. I really do love my wife and I made a dumb mistake. I never met this person or had no desire to cheat. I just felt my wife was to busy hanging out with him and her classmates and made that dumb decision. Since I been back, she's been really shallow and callous towards me. I asked her numerous times to talk out our issues or if she was willing and she refused. I feel she socially and emotionally disconnected. Her mom says keep praying and thatbher daughter was hurt and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 She is constantly telling me to go find my dream girl and that she is done..I know I hurt her bad and it hurts me as well. When I came back I felt that hurt when I found that guy from her class at her house. To be honest, I thought the man was gay, but I feel that he is either talking in her ear or he is filling the void I left emotionally... Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I do realize that I was wrong, I admitted it and why I did it and that was that. I really do love my wife and I made a dumb mistake. I never met this person or had no desire to cheat. I just felt my wife was to busy hanging out with him and her classmates and made that dumb decision. Since I been back, she's been really shallow and callous towards me. I asked her numerous times to talk out our issues or if she was willing and she refused. I feel she socially and emotionally disconnected. Her mom says keep praying and thatbher daughter was hurt and confused. Sounds like your wife is in love with someone else or in your absence, she has fallen out of love with you. Yes, you were wrong and so was she. Regardless of what you two do, please get counseling to learn how to better communicate. You never discussed her talking to this friend from school all the time and how that made you feel. You instead tried to get her back. Sounds like your marriage is majorly lacking in the communication department. Also the fact that she unbeknownst to you, brought your children around this other married man says a lot about her character. Why would you want to remain married to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 They also told me mommybslept at his house on the couch while his wife was gone and obviously my kids where there. My wife knows this guy cause he was in Nursing school with him. Indont think she is in this guy sexually, cause she (Who is black), never looked at Asian guys like that. ScottRe, healthy adults don't usually do chaste sleepovers. If she spent the night at his house - and who knows how many times this happened? - you should probably assume something happened. Sorry this occurred while you were deployed. Since you can't unilaterally make the marriage work, you may have to accept she's done and start the paperwork. Lots of support here, keep posting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I don't know what to think anymore. After looking at this site, seems like everyone is so quick to assume the worst and to divorce. I'm going to give it a few months of no contact unless it's about the kids. We have to be separated a year before I can file anyways. Just don't want to give up 10 years. Was she wrong for the stuff she did, yes. Was I wrong for the things I did, yes. I betrayed her trust which caused all this in the first place. This was my second deployment with her and she's been nothing but supportive up to now. I lost her trust and I want it to work out. She really is a good woman and mother. Don't want to just throw it all away just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 As far as my feelings about this guy, i think he took the friend thing too far. I feel he was trying to influence her in a different direction as they went places together. This guy is married on top of it all. She said she met his wife and they even have dinner together once in a while Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I don't know what to think anymore. After looking at this site, seems like everyone is so quick to assume the worst and to divorce. I'm going to give it a few months of no contact unless it's about the kids. We have to be separated a year before I can file anyways. Just don't want to give up 10 years. Was she wrong for the stuff she did, yes. Was I wrong for the things I did, yes. I betrayed her trust which caused all this in the first place. This was my second deployment with her and she's been nothing but supportive up to now. I lost her trust and I want it to work out. She really is a good woman and mother. Don't want to just throw it all away just yet. If you're serious about working your marriage out, then go to therapy to work on yourself. Give her space. Act like you don't care anymore. Chasing her is t working so try the opposite. I agree that divorce should always be a last option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottRe Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 If you're serious about working your marriage out, then go to therapy to work on yourself. Give her space. Act like you don't care anymore. Chasing her is t working so try the opposite. I agree that divorce should always be a last option. I agree. When I got back I was full of emotions and stress. Lost 10 pounds(Can see my abs now lol). I was a texting terrorist cause I wanted answers but I know that probably pushed her away and made her think that she made the right decision. I'm going to keep it about the kids. I don't want to be separated forever, that's why I gave myself a time table. I just have to keep my mind occupied, hang out with supportive friends and hit the gym. I also been trying to find my faith again as I was really selfish our marriage. I am seeing a counselor next Tuesday. I already had one session since I been back, so atleast I can work on my issues that caused the disconnect and try to be supportive as I can. In the end, it's in Gods hands 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Why have you posted this again under another username? You have a thread going and are receiving support there. Link to post Share on other sites
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