time away from kids for career?

[norudder]

I'm a divorced mom (34) to two kids, 6&8. Their dad (39) and I coparent amicably 50/50. He doesnt work but is finishing school living with his family. I live in the same town, in a typical post divorce apartment, kids share a room, no yard, noise carries between apartments. We arent in a city so there are parks etc around. Houses are expensive in the area. I'm paycheck to paycheck. We dont do alimony or child support. I deposit money into a joint account for the kids which primarily is used for food expenses at their dads, medical copays, etc. We cant afford extracurriculars for them. Their grandparents help when they can.

 

There's a career opportunity that would mean a significant salary increase (by 25%) and I could pay off debt, get a small house or into a better apartment.

The catch is that it would require a one time 6 months away for training. I dislike the thought of being away from my kids while they are so young and have already had their lives disrupted by divorce (its been 2 years). Part of the reason for the divorce was my exH's low EQ which not only impacted our relationship, but has affected our daughters as well. It's more than just the 'mom is a coddler, dad is a disciplinarian' stereotype. My daughter has said she sometimes thinks her dad doesnt like her, he ignores their bids for attention at times and I've had to remind him to be affectionate when they have a bad day etc. I try to model healthy behavior and emotional processing for them and be their supportive safe space. I worry if they can handle my absence for that amount time even though it seems small in the big picture. Kids are still impacted by childhood experiences whether they are old enough to remember them or not and I dont want to further any feelings of abandonment or neglect. Maybe I"m overanalyzing? I get so frustrated with our financial/living situation too though. It seems like a rock and a hard place.

 

ExH would be fine with having them full time for the duration. But am I?

 

Do I take this opportunity with a short term sacrifice for long term financial gain with unknown emotional cost? Or do I keep looking and hoping for incrementally better positions that dont require time away? With my current career track it will take longer (5 yrs) to get to the same salary this opportunity provides.

 

Would appreciate other points to consider. Thank you.

[knitwit]

Six months isn't long in the grand scheme of things. If you are confident in long term benefit, I would try to find a way to make it happen.

 

Some quick thoughts: can you get home for weekends and/or holidays? Will your housing allow for a grandparent to bring the kids to your place for a week (assuming some of the 6 months take place over school holiday/summer.) Are the six months consecutive or do you get some breaks, which you could spend with the kids?

[TheWoman]

My biggest concern with a plan like this is that my unemployed ex would then claim full custody and go for alimony and child support from me.

[Art_Critic]

IMO you need to consider the possibility of damaging your children, they have gone thru a divorce and you will be leaving them with someone you said has a low EQ and has already put your children on soft footing thinking he doesn't love them.

They look up to you and count on you to provide the foundation of security they don't get from him and you will have just left them

 

Something to consider, he will have to have a full power of attorney so he can make all needed medical decisions without you, I have seen that turned into a permanent custody change.

 

Good Luck with what you do, obviously a tough decision..

 

You might want to speak with a child therapist and go over the scenario with them, while I don't think it would be a great thing for them emotionally you are also the parent and need to make a living and be happy too..

[kmpisces]

I want to address something else in your post first. Does a low EQ mean emotional quotient? Or was this a typo? It sounded like he might struggle to communicate with the kids and show affections they need. If that is the case, is it possible he is on the autism spectrum?

[DKT3]

I know you won't like this, but your history of posting shows a woman who constantly puts her needs and desires above Everyone else.

 

If the training means the kids are better off long term why is there even a question? Staying with the dad? If I recall correctly, he at one point was the primary caregiver while you.........You know.

[norudder]

I know you won't like this, but your history of posting shows a woman who constantly puts her needs and desires above Everyone else.

 

If the training means the kids are better off long term why is there even a question? Staying with the dad? If I recall correctly, he at one point was the primary caregiver while you.........You know.

 

DK,

 

At a certain point we move on from the past. Ive done lots of therapy and my exH has done zero. I have done nothing but put my kids first during and after divorce. I am there for them in every way I can be, physically emotionally financially etc. Even when they are with their dad I am doing things on their behalf. I am a better mom now than I was in the marriage. I am not a post divorce party girl by any means. Just because dad was primary caregiver at one point does not mean he was or is good at it and that it should continue to be the situation.

 

There is more than one way to define "better off".

My needs or desires arent even a factor in this post. The whole point of the post was about which path is best for my kids, not me. I'd hate to be your dog, youd probably rub its nose on the carpet every day where it p*ssed a year ago.

[norudder]

I want to address something else in your post first. Does a low EQ mean emotional quotient? Or was this a typo? It sounded like he might struggle to communicate with the kids and show affections they need. If that is the case, is it possible he is on the autism spectrum?

 

Yes, EQ is for emotional intelligence. He is a very smart man in many ways but doesnt relate well to others emotionally. Hes admitted he thinks he might be a sociopath and doesnt feel things the way he thinks most people do. I have no idea if thats true or not. He has feelings, he cried his eyes out when our dog died. He does struggle with affection and empathy though and expressing feelings other than anger. He's not socially awkward or anything. He is fine at getting along with people as long as it doesnt involve connecting on a deeper level.

[norudder]

Six months isn't long in the grand scheme of things. If you are confident in long term benefit, I would try to find a way to make it happen.

 

Some quick thoughts: can you get home for weekends and/or holidays? Will your housing allow for a grandparent to bring the kids to your place for a week (assuming some of the 6 months take place over school holiday/summer.) Are the six months consecutive or do you get some breaks, which you could spend with the kids?

 

Training is in a different part of the country. No weekend visits/trips but a break halfway between.

 

I'm going to consult with legal and a psychologist to cover the bases. Where we filed there is no going back for alimony afterwards but I'll follow up on the likelihood of full custody. I would think that would be difficult and I dont see him doing that. Besides, if I am in a financial position to do so I would have no problems contributing more to the kids account and/or helping him out more while he finishes school. The sooner he is employed or in a better place financially himself the less stress for everyone which benefits the kids as well as him and me.

[JuneL]

You mentioned that your ex-hubby is finishing up school. So perhaps he'll be able to step up financially in the near future, e.g., you don't have to transfer money to him for groceries and stuff, and you may have a bigger budget for a better place to live without changing your job.

[norudder]

You mentioned that your ex-hubby is finishing up school. So perhaps he'll be able to step up financially in the near future, e.g., you don't have to transfer money to him for groceries and stuff, and you may have a bigger budget for a better place to live without changing your job.

 

I hope so but think its wiser to not make decisions with that assumption.

[MuddyFootprints]

Consider balance and stability, for both you and your children.

 

I'd be inclined to take the snail's pace to success and look into furthering my training and education locally.

[DKT3]

DK,

 

At a certain point we move on from the past. Ive done lots of therapy and my exH has done zero. I have done nothing but put my kids first during and after divorce. I am there for them in every way I can be, physically emotionally financially etc. Even when they are with their dad I am doing things on their behalf. I am a better mom now than I was in the marriage. I am not a post divorce party girl by any means. Just because dad was primary caregiver at one point does not mean he was or is good at it and that it should continue to be the situation.

 

There is more than one way to define "better off".

My needs or desires arent even a factor in this post. The whole point of the post was about which path is best for my kids, not me. I'd hate to be your dog, youd probably rub its nose on the carpet every day where it p*ssed a year ago.

 

My point is, he was able to care for the kids when it wasn't as important for you, so he could care for them now while you prepare for a better future.

 

I pointed it out because is the issue what's better for the kids or what's better for you in terms of you getting in position to gain more custody.

 

Something I've learned along the way, just because we've moved pass a situation, doesn't mean the effects of those impacted has gone away.

[knitwit]

I hope so but think its wiser to not make decisions with that assumption.

 

OP, I agree with you. IMO, it is wise to take the opportunity at hand to ensure your own ability to support you and your children. You don't know what other opportunities will arise over the next five years.

 

I don't know what field you work in, but in my field, the chance to increase income by 25% at once is rare. If you weren't currently struggling, there might be a different equation to consider; however, it sounds like this will be a game changer for you and the kids.

[DKT3]

OP, I agree with you. IMO, it is wise to take the opportunity at hand to ensure your own ability to support you and your children. You don't know what other opportunities will arise over the next five years.

 

I don't know what field you work in, but in my field, the chance to increase income by 25% at once is rare. If you weren't currently struggling, there might be a different equation to consider; however, it sounds like this will be a game changer for you and the kids.

 

Yes, 25% is life changing for some.

 

Rudder, I know you see me as the enemy, I'm not, what I'm saying is if you have the opportunity in your current situation to improve it by this much you have to take the opportunity.

[Southern Sun]

I wonder if you aren't seeing every option.

 

Are there NO other ways to walk your career path? NO other ways to increase income?

 

A 6 month training away from home is a lot to ask of anyone. I assume it's some sort of education or certification.

 

Do you get reimbursed for this?

 

Finally...have you considered taking the kids with you? Yes, that could also be disruptive, but if it's possible (taking into account the situation you will be in as well as your custody agreement), they might well prefer it.