How can I encourage my husband to stop? (alcohol/sex related)

[pompeiii]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have very little intimacy left in our relationship, it has been that way for 8 years. He doesn't drink daily (or even weekly), and when he does drink he doesn't get wasted, but when he drinks he wants sex. He gets pushy and demanding... He tells me to give him oral and holds my head to control it. He has hit my head sometimes if I do it wrong, like swallow my saliva during the process or stop too soon. The intercourse is the same, he puts his weight on me and is rough.

 

As long as he hasn't been drinking he doesn't act that way. When I talk to him he denies or says he wouldn't have to if I'd be intimate with him. When we're fighting he has said he has to be drunk to want to have sex with me. He doesn't drink a lot, but when he does I hate it...

 

Am I in the wrong here?... I just need him to have a real conversation with me instead of staring at his phone whenever I try and talk to him... I don't want the next 10 years to be like this.

[Sweetfish]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have very little intimacy left in our relationship, it has been that way for 8 years. He doesn't drink daily (or even weekly), and when he does drink he doesn't get wasted, but when he drinks he wants sex. He gets pushy and demanding... He tells me to give him oral and holds my head to control it. He has hit my head sometimes if I do it wrong, like swallow my saliva during the process or stop too soon. The intercourse is the same, he puts his weight on me and is rough.

 

As long as he hasn't been drinking he doesn't act that way. When I talk to him he denies or says he wouldn't have to if I'd be intimate with him. When we're fighting he has said he has to be drunk to want to have sex with me. He doesn't drink a lot, but when he does I hate it...

 

Am I in the wrong here?... I just need him to have a real conversation with me instead of staring at his phone whenever I try and talk to him... I don't want the next 10 years to be like this.

 

 

Sexual assault is a sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or non-consensual sexual touching of a person.

 

 

So i guess because your married this definition is null and void?

[pompeiii]

I mean... We're married... Sex is part of marriage. Spousal rape is a thing... but he isn't being violent and it's only valid for 30 days.

[Sweetfish]

I mean... We're married... Sex is part of marriage. Spousal rape is a thing... but he isn't being violent and it's only valid for 30 days.

 

Ok... lets put on a new pair of glasses.

 

If your daughter told you her boyfriend demanded oral intercourse and hit her on the head because she wasn't doing it right..

 

Your answer to her is... sex is part of a relationship?

[morrowrd]

It appears your husband doesn't respect you. Ignoring you or pretending to be "too busy" - looking at his phone while you're speaking to him, treating you like a paid whore during sex, these two behaviors are really good ways to make someone feel like they have little value. I'm guessing there's probably a longer list, isn't there?

 

Getting respect back into a relationship isn't easy. In my experience, once the respect is lost, that's pretty much it, the relationship has expired. Being sweet, compliant, cooperative, on your part isn't going to tip the scale back into being respected. For myself, ending the relationship was my way of solving the problem. Counseling only works if you have two people wanting to fix things, and then finding a good counselor because there are alot of bad one's out there. You could attempt this route, but in my opinion, after the respect is gone, the relationship is over.

[Popsicle]

It appears that he's a sadist, that's what turns him on, but he's too scared to do this with you when he's sober so he has to get drunk to have enough courage to do it. Liquid courage.

[BaileyB]

It doesn't matter if you are married or not, what you have described is sexual assault. You could call the police and charge him. What he is doing to you is a criminal offence.

 

Why are you staying with this man? There is no intimacy, no communication, and he is sexually assaulting you when he drinks. That's not a healthy marriage.

[BaileyB]

Sex in a marriage is usually a very intimate act, between two partners who love and care for each other. It should always be consensual and both partners should want to give pleasure to the other.

 

It shouldn't take alcohol for one partner to want to have sex with the other.

 

You know what he's doing is not very loving and seriously unhealthy, don't you? Please, there is more to life than being used for rough sex when your husband is drinking. This guy is not a good husband or a good man.

[What-2-Do]

Sex in marriage has to be with CONSENT. Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean sex can be forced. I've been in a very difficult marriage for the past 2 years but I would NEVER force my wife to have sex with me or do anything like your husband is doing to you. Drunk or not it's not acceptable.

 

It's one thing if you both CONSENT to aggressive or forceful sex but if that is not your choice then it's assault.

 

Open your eyes he's not a good man.

[pompeiii]

He's my husband, not my boyfriend... From a biblical perspective husbands can't rape their wives, from a legal perspective it is only "spousal rape" if there was clear force and it happened in the last 30 days.

 

When we married I gave my body to him. I consented to sex whenever he needs it. He's rough but I don't fight him off of me, I have to yield my body to him and do what he needs of me. If anyone is in the wrong it's me...when I act like I don't want sex. I vowed to give him my body. He is doing the right thing by having sex with me, I'm not supposed to deny sex. I can delay with good reason if we had sex in the last 3 days but it has to be done gently. My husband has to be the judge of what is acceptable for a delay. A wife does not have the right over her own body, her husband does. If I can't have vaginal sex I have to pleasure him with my hand or mouth, like after our son was born.

 

He doesn't watch porn.

 

I just want to make our marriage better... I want to stop feeling disgusted when he touches me. I'm suppose to erase those thoughts from my mind but I can't.

[mikeylo]

He's my husband, not my boyfriend... From a biblical perspective husbands can't rape their wives, from a legal perspective it is only "spousal rape" if there was clear force and it happened in the last 30 days.

 

When we married I gave my body to him. I consented to sex whenever he needs it. He's rough but I don't fight him off of me, I have to yield my body to him and do what he needs of me. If anyone is in the wrong it's me...when I act like I don't want sex. I vowed to give him my body. He is doing the right thing by having sex with me, I'm not supposed to deny sex. I can delay with good reason if we had sex in the last 3 days but it has to be done gently. My husband has to be the judge of what is acceptable for a delay. A wife does not have the right over her own body, her husband does. If I can't have vaginal sex I have to pleasure him with my hand or mouth, like after our son was born.

 

He doesn't watch porn.

 

I just want to make our marriage better... I want to stop feeling disgusted when he touches me. I'm suppose to erase those thoughts from my mind but I can't.

 

I can't believe what I've read !

 

Good luck OP!

[BaileyB]

He's my husband, not my boyfriend... From a biblical perspective husbands can't rape their wives, from a legal perspective it is only "spousal rape" if there was clear force and it happened in the last 30 days.

 

When we married I gave my body to him. I consented to sex whenever he needs it. He's rough but I don't fight him off of me, I have to yield my body to him and do what he needs of me. If anyone is in the wrong it's me...when I act like I don't want sex. I vowed to give him my body. He is doing the right thing by having sex with me, I'm not supposed to deny sex. I can delay with good reason if we had sex in the last 3 days but it has to be done gently. My husband has to be the judge of what is acceptable for a delay. A wife does not have the right over her own body, her husband does. If I can't have vaginal sex I have to pleasure him with my hand or mouth, like after our son was born.

 

He doesn't watch porn.

 

I just want to make our marriage better... I want to stop feeling disgusted when he touches me. I'm suppose to erase those thoughts from my mind but I can't.

 

Wow. If you really believe this, I'm very sorry.

 

Your definition of "spousal rape" is absolutely incorrect. And, your body is your own. When a woman marries, she shares her body with her husband, but it is always your body.

 

What you have described is a miserable way to live.

 

You feel disgusted when you are with him because he doesn't treat you like a woman and wife to be cherished. He treats you like a prostitute. If you think this is your place in life, there is not much anyone can say to help...

[S2B]

I mean... We're married... Sex is part of marriage. Spousal rape is a thing... but he isn't being violent and it's only valid for 30 days.

 

Just divorce him.

 

That way there is no "obligation" (in your mind) to "allow him" to disrespect and violate you (by raping you - which is what it actually is).

 

No person should EVER allow what you've described.

 

Go to a safe shelter for women if needed.

[BaileyB]

Sexual assault should NEVER be justified because you are married.

[SeenNotHeard]

He's my husband, not my boyfriend... From a biblical perspective husbands can't rape their wives, from a legal perspective it is only "spousal rape" if there was clear force and it happened in the last 30 days.

 

When we married I gave my body to him. I consented to sex whenever he needs it. He's rough but I don't fight him off of me, I have to yield my body to him and do what he needs of me. If anyone is in the wrong it's me...when I act like I don't want sex. I vowed to give him my body. He is doing the right thing by having sex with me, I'm not supposed to deny sex. I can delay with good reason if we had sex in the last 3 days but it has to be done gently. My husband has to be the judge of what is acceptable for a delay. A wife does not have the right over her own body, her husband does. If I can't have vaginal sex I have to pleasure him with my hand or mouth, like after our son was born.

 

He doesn't watch porn.

 

I just want to make our marriage better... I want to stop feeling disgusted when he touches me. I'm suppose to erase those thoughts from my mind but I can't.

 

I'm sorry I can't help you. If this is fundamentally your belief we are of two very differing perspectives. IMO no one "owns" your body but yourself. I am not sure why you are here, really I am not, according to you are "owing" him your body, so to put it bluntly give it to him.

[impasse]

Okay, so you are Christian. To an extreme point.

 

Is your husband Christian as well? If not, no he doesn't have the "right" to your body. Alcohol is controversial but many agree it is a sin because it is a addictive and destructive substance. I do know that it is NOT acceptable to get drunk and have sex, in Christianity.

 

You are right, it is not possible for a man to rape his wife (according to the Bible). However, abuse IS possible and that IS what he is doing. A man should also never lay his hand on his wife. Hitting you during intercourse is abuse.

 

You said there is no intimacy unless he is drunk, that is also a sin. Yes, you are supposed to give your body to him (according to the Bible), but he is also supposed to give his to you.

 

And that IS grounds for divorce in a Christian lifestyle.

 

Porn is also a sin and he didn't learn those "techniques" anywhere else. Unless he was sexual with another woman, which is also a sin if he wasn't married and was with you.

 

The only US State that has that law is SC. Nearly all states have laws against what he is doing.

Edited January 22, 2017 by impasse

[Arieswoman]

Pompeii,

Your husband is an abusive drunk.

 

What you choose to do about is is up to you.

 

Have you discussed this with your Priest/Pastor/Minister of religion?

 

Although the Bible never says that alcohol itself is sinful, it does say many times that drunkenness is a sin. God says, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." (Ephesians 5:6) In fact, there are many verses in the Bible which speak out against drunkenness. (For a few examples, see Romans 13:13; Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Peter 4:3.)

 

I'm sorry.

[S2B]

I mean... We're married... Sex is part of marriage. Spousal rape is a thing... but he isn't being violent and it's only valid for 30 days.

 

Just divorce him.

 

That way there is no "obligation" (in your mind) to "allow him" to disrespect and violate you (by raping you - which is what it actually is).

 

No person should EVER allow what you've described.

 

Go to a safe shelter for women if needed.

[morrowrd]

Religion is the abuser's friend and advocate. Battered wives who are brainwashed with religious dogma, like you appear to be, are trapped.

 

If you want to go that route, remember, "a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and finds favor from the lord." Translated via myself - a man who gets a woman all to himself, is lucky. Your husband isn't acting like he feels very lucky, or appreciative that he has you.

 

Then there's, "Men, love your wives as christ loved the church." Then look up the term love in the bible - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 Love protects, love never fails.....that is not happening here.

Edited January 22, 2017 by morrowrd

[What-2-Do]

I can't believe I just read this response from the OP. This is where religion is failing many people. If you're that brainwashed that your husband owns your body then you are either very fragile or very naive.

 

As I said in my previous post I've been in a difficult marriage for the past few years. I would NEVER EVER EVER treat my wife like your "husband" does. Hell, I would never treat any woman like that even if she wanted to be treated that way. It's one thing to have passionate sex and roll play but there is a line and that line has been more than crossed.

 

Rape is rape my friend. Regardless of what your beliefs are. You don't owe anyone sex. It's something you SHARE with someone.

 

Might be time to find a new church or even better some real friends that can guide you in the right direction. You husband is a monster and a loser.

[Epicurus77]

I have the basics, yet the specifics of "encouragement" are difficult without knowing the intricacies of your husband's personality. The basics of a good relationships are still the same: boundaries. Drinking in-house and sex with you, will not work. He sounds like a decent man minus liquored up and expecting sex. He does not get a vote because he is not normal, sober, in-his-right-mind, with clear recollection. The next task for others trying to help you should be a discussion on possible tactics.

I remember when the daughters of celebrity David Hasselhouf, video taped their liquored up embarrassing father being a liquored-up idiot. So people help this woman. You may need to leave, not let the booze in the house, or........?

Edited January 22, 2017 by Epicurus77

[Mr. Lucky]

From a biblical perspective husbands can't rape their wives

 

You might speak with someone from your church and see if they agree with this statement. I'd guess not.

 

it happened in the last 30 days.

 

Only true in a handful of states.

 

When we married I gave my body to him...I have to yield my body to him and do what he needs of me.

 

Is the same true for him? For instance, if you wanted to ram a candlestick up his *ss, he has to allow it? Again, speak to someone from your church for clarification...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

You might speak with someone from your church and see if they agree with this statement. I'd guess not.

 

 

 

Only true in a handful of states.

 

 

 

Is the same true for him? For instance, if you wanted to ram a candlestick up his *ss, he has to allow it? Again, speak to someone from your church for clarification...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think speaking to anyone in her 'church' is the worst thing she can do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think speaking to anyone in her 'church' is the worst thing she can do.

 

If her views accurately reflect their teachings, at worst it will only confirm her existing understanding of sex as marital slavery. She might be operating under some false assumptions.

 

If your point is she should also seek other opinions, certainly don't disagree...

 

Mr. Lucky