Brittybritt92 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) The informal definition of "ghosting" from what I've gathered is basically no contact or ignoring someone after a date or multiple dates. I have a few friends that use dating sites and we've discussed this, since apparently many of them have recently experienced a "ghoster". I'm curious as to why this is becoming a trend? Or perhaps it's not a trend and just has a new name... I'm just now getting back into the dating world from a long relationship and I haven't heard of this before. Anyone experience ghosting? Have you ghosted someone? Why not just send a polite text and let it fizzle out naturally? Edited January 22, 2017 by Brittybritt92 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I've done this when I was a teenager....but in those days it was me telling my mom, as she's answering the phone "If it's Jim, I'm not here...." It's just a new name coined for an old action. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
leogirl876 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I've experienced a ghoster. I've never ghosted, if I don't think it's gonna work, I'll at minimum send a nice text saying thank you but this isn't gonna work for me. I think people ghost because they'd rather take the easy way out and make things go away and let people figure it out. They're also cowards in my opinion. If someone ghosts you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They're not the kind of person you'd want in your life anyway. This one guy who ghosted me after hooking up tried a couple of times to pop back in my life later on, I eventually just blocked him from my phone. Those are toxic people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 I've experienced a ghoster. I've never ghosted, if I don't think it's gonna work, I'll at minimum send a nice text saying thank you but this isn't gonna work for me. I think people ghost because they'd rather take the easy way out and make things go away and let people figure it out. They're also cowards in my opinion. If someone ghosts you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They're not the kind of person you'd want in your life anyway. This one guy who ghosted me after hooking up tried a couple of times to pop back in my life later on, I eventually just blocked him from my phone. Those are toxic people. It definitely sounds like "ghosters" (lol) are emotionally immature. I mean I'm only 24 but when I would date when I was younger, I would always hear from the person I just spent an evening out with. Even just a "thanks it was nice meeting you" was always in my eyes polite and acknowledging them for their time. Maybe there's a lot of clingy people on those things now though? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I ghosted because I had some serious experiences with hostile backlash, anywhere from being called rude names, being accused of leading them on, to them not taking no for an answer, and harassment. There was a reason I wanted nothing to do with them....I found out how unstable and clingy/obsessive these guys were. I chalked it up to my inexperience at the time, I was still developing my picker lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 I ghosted because I had some serious experiences with hostile backlash, anywhere from being called rude names, being accused of leading them on, to them not taking no for an answer, and harassment. There was a reason I wanted nothing to do with them....I found out how unstable and clingy/obsessive these guys were. I chalked it up to my inexperience at the time, I was still developing my picker lol. I really appreciate that feedback because I can totally understand how you would want to block/ignore someone that is rude, clingy or controlling. What I'm more curious about is with technology are people treating dates like a swipe left or right? Once you've given someone time out of your day to spend with them, to then ignore them completely due to lack of interest is really lame. I had an ex bf of 3 years send me a breakup email and then blocked me on everything, but I knew that was because he didn't want to hear my backlash at him.. The thing that bothers me is why even waste time on people that will be quick to forget you exist right afterwards? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) I think Adults ghost because A) they feel they didn't invest enough to be bothered, B) don't like to be the bad guy to say no to their face, C) worried about the repercussions ie; backlash, or D) they suffer from anxiety and use avoidance to deal with life's issues in general E) Narcissist F) Lazy I think the majority are just too lazy....these dating apps make things real easy, which makes people become lazy. You are just a swipe of many swipes. A lot of emotional detachment. I agree technology has made a generation of socially inept people. Edited January 22, 2017 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I've done this when I was a teenager....but in those days it was me telling my mom, as she's answering the phone "If it's Jim, I'm not here...." It's just a new name coined for an old action. Yup! Ages-old. I and my girlfriends used to sit around in the days after a date discussing whether or not the guy might call. Yes, we wondered *if* he would call...*if*. Because if he did, then he liked us, and if he didn't, well, duh, equally clear message there. Simple as that. Nobody owed anybody "closure" and no deep discussion with sensitive clarity required. That would have just seemed weird and obsessive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I ghosted because I had some serious experiences with hostile backlash, anywhere from being called rude names, being accused of leading them on, to them not taking no for an answer, and harassment. There was a reason I wanted nothing to do with them....I found out how unstable and clingy/obsessive these guys were. I chalked it up to my inexperience at the time, I was still developing my picker lol. Absolutely. Heck yes. Same here, all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddhaWithMace Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Yes! It's really bad here in my town. I've found that the guys I date from dating sites are the worst. Ok Cupid seems to have the most mentally unstable users in the world. It's disgusting and they're getting harder and harder to avoid. I hate to sound like an old lady here, but things were so much better before we all had our phones glued to our faces. I miss real conversations, real connections and real people. *sigh* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Yes! It's really bad here in my town. I've found that the guys I date from dating sites are the worst. Ok Cupid seems to have the most mentally unstable users in the world. It's disgusting and they're getting harder and harder to avoid. I hate to sound like an old lady here, but things were so much better before we all had our phones glued to our faces. I miss real conversations, real connections and real people. *sigh* Ya we used to GO OUT to meet people and look for parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I have had bad experiences with women after ending things with them. I would still never ghost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Yup! Ages-old. I and my girlfriends used to sit around in the days after a date discussing whether or not the guy might call. Yes, we wondered *if* he would call...*if*. Because if he did, then he liked us, and if he didn't, well, duh, equally clear message there. Simple as that. Nobody owed anybody "closure" and no deep discussion with sensitive clarity required. That would have just seemed weird and obsessive. Hmm.. I think there's probably a happy medium between ignoring someone and being "weird and obsessive", though. I've been on plenty of dates with guys I met at college and it was essentially the same thing. Dating app or not, a date means you spent some time out of your busy life to get to know them. And communication time is different as well nowadays because we all have our phone on us majority of the time, it's just the way of the world. No waiting around for calls. It would be super weird if someone were to call to say "thanks but no thanks" I agree. But I've always sent out a nice "thanks but no thanks" to someone that was interested when I didn't feel the same BECAUSE most of us know what it's like to be unsure of how someone else feels. If you read the dating forums many of them are people wondering 'what happened?' Do you ever look at the other forums? If we all learned how to be socially competent adults, many people wouldn't feel left in the dark. Would spare a lot of people their feelings and some time. It's easy to say someone is "weird and obsessive". Perhaps on one weird date where no one contacts the other, it's clear. But I'm talking more about the people that have been on many dates with someone and they pussy out. That's what's weirder in my opinion. And with technology it's becoming a norm to not care. Link to post Share on other sites
4kad Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 The informal definition of "ghosting" from what I've gathered is basically no contact or ignoring someone after a date or multiple dates. I have a few friends that use dating sites and we've discussed this, since apparently many of them have recently experienced a "ghoster". I'm curious as to why this is becoming a trend? Or perhaps it's not a trend and just has a new name... I'm just now getting back into the dating world from a long relationship and I haven't heard of this before. Anyone experience ghosting? Have you ghosted someone? Why not just send a polite text and let it fizzle out naturally? Because most people feel that ghosting is easier so they can avoid a possible argument/confrontation Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't think it's ghosting unless there would be an expectation of continued contact. No one really expects an I'm not interested call or text after a date or two. But at some point in the dating process it becomes unacceptable not to let them know you are done. For me the cutoff usually happens when forward looking statements have been made. You talk about getting together again. Once you've done that, I think it's polite to let the person know if you change your mind. Even with no forward looking plans together there can still be hurt feelings. Whether you owe someone an explanation or notification also depends on the connection you had, how often you spent time together, etc. I was going out casually with someone from time to time. We'd have fun on our dates but never make future plans. She'd hit me up sometime to make plans or I'd hit her up to make plans. Maybe we were free. Maybe not. No big deal. We were both seeing other people. One day I decided that I'd like to concentrate on and become exclusive with one of the other women I was seeing (was seeing 3). I just blocked her on whatsapp without saying a word. Sometime later after not hearing from me for awhile and no longer seeing me on whatsapp she sent me an SMS saying "I'd just like to know why. I thought we had a connection." I did answer her. I had rationalized incorrectly that it was ok to take the easy way out and to disappear because we never had any future plans together. But it was wrong of me. We'd cooked together, had sex together, had deep conversations together. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend but we had a budding relationship of sorts. I think I owed her some sort of notification that I was not interested in continuing our arrangement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I have only ghosted guys who have cheated on me, I don't owe them any explanation or closure, they can figure that out by themselves. I have had one guy ghost me back in 2008 and he has tried to get in touch with me in 2010, 2013, 2015 and 2016. I know it is not nice to be ignored but no reply is a reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't think it's ghosting unless there would be an expectation of continued contact. No one really expects an I'm not interested call or text after a date or two. But at some point in the dating process it becomes unacceptable not to let them know you are done. For me the cutoff usually happens when forward looking statements have been made. You talk about getting together again. Once you've done that, I think it's polite to let the person know if you change your mind. Even with no forward looking plans together there can still be hurt feelings. Whether you owe someone an explanation or notification also depends on the connection you had, how often you spent time together, etc. I was going out casually with someone from time to time. We'd have fun on our dates but never make future plans. She'd hit me up sometime to make plans or I'd hit her up to make plans. Maybe we were free. Maybe not. No big deal. We were both seeing other people. One day I decided that I'd like to concentrate on and become exclusive with one of the other women I was seeing (was seeing 3). I just blocked her on whatsapp without saying a word. Sometime later after not hearing from me for awhile and no longer seeing me on whatsapp she sent me an SMS saying "I'd just like to know why. I thought we had a connection." I did answer her. I had rationalized incorrectly that it was ok to take the easy way out and to disappear because we never had any future plans together. But it was wrong of me. We'd cooked together, had sex together, had deep conversations together. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend but we had a budding relationship of sorts. I think I owed her some sort of notification that I was not interested in continuing our arrangement. That really sums it up perfectly. A lot of these guys talked about future plans and then no text with friends of mine... leaving them in the dark. That's a big no no Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I have only ghosted guys who have cheated on me, I don't owe them any explanation or closure, they can figure that out by themselves. I have had one guy ghost me back in 2008 and he has tried to get in touch with me in 2010, 2013, 2015 and 2016. I know it is not nice to be ignored but no reply is a reply. It's not a reply though. Lol. If people normalize it then people can act like scared kids afraid of confrontation. Cheating is one thing, but someone ghosting after making plans or a nice evening without any signs of unenjoyment is just childish. Link to post Share on other sites
strawberryshortstack Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Yes! It's really bad here in my town. I've found that the guys I date from dating sites are the worst. Ok Cupid seems to have the most mentally unstable users in the world. It's disgusting and they're getting harder and harder to avoid. I hate to sound like an old lady here, but things were so much better before we all had our phones glued to our faces. I miss real conversations, real connections and real people. *sigh* I've actually found more mentally unstable people on POF than on okCupid - there are exceptions though, and there can be overlap, but I've had more success with okCupid in general. Link to post Share on other sites
hercules22 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 damn i dont get those people who constantly message to see if they will get a response i would just forget about it and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts