Only solution?

[NoelleCat]

I promise this is isn't hysterical attention seeking, but I'm am starting to think suicide is the only solution to the pain I feel. I won't share my story since they are all the same anyway.

 

I've been reading these forums for a while now and it's clear that there is something to be said about my lack of character and worth. You read it all the time..."He's ****ing you and buying his wife a house. He married her and only wanted you as a distraction." And so on. I think everyone will know what I'm referring to. That second class state that mistresses occupy for married men.

 

What's clear to me however is that I chose this and I deserve it. There's something about me that has made me "mistress-only material" and I don't believe it is fixable. Especially since my particular MM is apparently happy and in love with his beautiful wife again. She is happy and in love as well. Our affair was just a fluke.

 

I hope this makes sense. I'm typing it on my phone so it's a bit difficult to express completely.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, NoelleCat.

Yes, it's true that at some point in the past you chose it - but, no, because our poor choices and bad judgment only point to our wrong/warped/distorted sense that we are unworthy, inferior and undeserving.

That is, it's our sense of our self as being permanently and irreversibly flawed that needs fixing - and can be fixed.

 

In truth and reality, cutting short your present life does not offer any kind of real solution...nevermind an 'only' one.

 

Love and hugs, in Light and Love.

Ronni

Edited January 22, 2017 by Ronni_W
spelling

[ShatteredLady]

My beloved big brother, my only sibling took his own life as a result of adultery. There aren't words to ever express to anyone the agony that awaits me every waking moment of my life. I would love to sleep forever, never wake, never be conscious of the emotional carnage he left in his wake.

 

I only have my parents now but I don't really have 'them'. It's hard to explain. My entire life, all of their memories of me & tied to him so the mere thought of me brings pain to them. Can you image that? Needing your family so desperately but knowing even the thought of YOU brings them pain?

 

My father has always been a great man. He lived for his family. He was funny & strong. That all changed the morning he saw my brothers dead body. He suffers from PTSD. He has these 'fits' where he half hallucinates loved ones who have passed. He so very broken. It rips my heart out.

 

I can't shake the image of my Mum cradling his lifeless body. The police & ambulance men had to pull her away. They say that there's no pain like loosing a child. There aren't words.

 

I know that guilting a suicidal person is supposed to be a huge mistake. I don't know. I do know that my brother was a kind, loving man. If he had caught a glimpse of what he was inflicting on ALL of the people who ever loved him he wouldn't of done it.

 

I've wanted to die. I know exactly what it feels like to be in so much pain that any alternative to living another day like this seems like a logical idea.

 

I could go on about how it does get better but you already know that all that's true. You've got to figure out how to get from here to there & it's bloody hard. You know it's not impossible. The logical side of you knows that it's unlikely that this man will even cross your mind in a decades time, probably a lot less.

 

You've known great joy or you wouldn't be feeling such pain. You can & will feel that joy again if you allow yourself to.

 

Phone a help line or go to the hospital. There's no shame in needing some help.

 

Now...what else is going on/or not going on in your life for you to be thrown so low by this man? Do you want to share your story? Yes, affair stuff can sound pretty familiar if you read a lot of posts but everyone is different, every situation is different. We are here to help but if you need professional help PLEASE reach-out for it.

Edited January 22, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[Chica80]

Noelle I want to send you big (((((hugs))))). First off you aren't alone. Many of us have been there.

I know what it feels like when you are in so much pain so alone and afraid that death seems like a welcome option. That you truly start to believe there is no way out of it. That you just want it to be over.

 

But I PROMISE you there is a way out. There is a way to get out of the darkness and it's not by ending your own life.

 

Yes all the stories may be the same. But you are not. You are NoelleCat. There is no one else like you.

 

Your choices and decisions how ugly and awful they may be. They do not define you. You chose wrong but you can choose right. Choose yourself.

 

Please Please Please get some help.....Do you have anyone in your life family? Friends? you can reach out?

[Samanthajay84]

Hello, I read your post and I want to tell you that you aren't alone.

 

We have someone who will never leave us nor forsake us.

 

We have a Heavenly Father who loves you so much that he sent his own son down from heaven to die so that you may live.

 

Please get some help. Preferably from a church or some religious leader. I encourage you to call on the name of Jesus Christ the name above all names to help, and lead you need to be.

 

I'm bad at preaching the word but my faith tells me to spread the gospel. I hope and pray in the name of Jesus that you feel better and that God would lift this spirit of depression off of you.

 

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

- **1 Peter‬ *5:7‬ *NLT‬‬

 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”"

- **Revelation‬ *21:4‬ *NLT‬‬

 

 

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

- **Psalms‬ *34:18‬ *NLT‬‬

[jah526]

I read something a while ago that helped me. It had to do with the reasons why we attract the wrong people into our lives. The answer was a good one, I think - it's not that we attract the wrong people, it's that we keep them.

 

The only flaw is that we keep these people in our lives too long. That's it. To me, it actually speaks to a character that is more open and accepting than others would be. So it's a matter of being able to recognize in the future when things are not good for us, and knowing when and how to protect ourselves. This is something that's fixable.

 

Please don't hurt yourself.

[sandylee1]

My good friend took her life because of a man. I was distraught for a long time. Please do not do it. No man is worth it. Nothing is worth taking your life.

 

Think about all the people who love and care for you. Parents, siblings, friends, colleagues. Never underestimate how special you are to those who care.

 

Take the power back and stop giving him access to you and your body. If he's so very happy and in love with his wife, why is he bothering you. This MM is a lowlife professing his love for his wife, while being unfaithful to her. How is that love. It's not. It's plain selfish of him.

 

I think it's even worse that he claims to be so happy and still does this. You don't want to be with or take your life over a user like him.

 

You are in control of your destiny. You can

[anyonecandoit]

Think like this.

 

Why do you use your life to boost some a****le's ego? Is it really worth it? If you really want to do that, stand on your own feet first and then live your life well. A few years down the road, you will know who is the one that wants to commit suicide! I bet it will not be you!

 

If they live a happy life, let them live a happy life. Think like this, what the F*** does that have to do with me? Just see them as total strangers in your life. You can definitely do it. If next time u see him or them, just walk in front of him or them and pretend that you never know them. Trust me. It feels so good to do that!

[NoelleCat]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond.

 

He actually hasn't contacted me in some time. Since I made it clear I did not want to be his friend... But I know they're happy based on social media and the stories he would tell about her at work. Yes, we worked together. Luckily, I've found another job so I don't have to hear them anymore.

 

But it's knowing they're happy that's getting to me. He's an ******* but he's happy? Does that make it okay that he used me? Obviously his wife has forgiven him and they've moved past it all, but for some reason that tells me I shouldn't. That I should be ashamed and remorseful.

 

This probably doesn't make sense. But it's how I feel.

[somanymistakes]

It doesn't make it okay - him using you was wrong.

 

But it doesn't mean that you need to be ashamed about it.

 

The world will do enough to beat you up and make you feel bad without you doing it to yourself.

 

It's easy for him to be happy if he only cares about himself...

[cloche]

Welcome to LoveShack, Noelle; you've come to the right place. Lots of good people with solid advice here, many of whom have been where you are now.

 

I won't share my story since they are all the same anyway.

 

Please do. No two peoples experience are ever *exactly* the same...

 

What's clear to me however is that I chose this and I deserve it.

 

Chose? Yes.

Deserve? No.

 

Now, please, why don't you tell us your story from the beginning...

[NoelleCat]

Ok, I can tell you the highlights at least.

 

We worked together for a few years total. After I'd known him for about two years, during which time he had gotten engaged and married, we started to become friends. People are usually friends with coworkers but I would say on a slightly higher level. One day, he confessed to me that he and his wife were having problems. Fighting, no sex, talk of divorce. The same old story all of you have heard I'm sure. This was about 1.5 years after his wedding. So I said he could talk to me if he needed support because I thought that's what a friend would do. (I am single and childless myself.)

 

So after a month or so of that, he told me one evening after work that he had feelings for me. We had gone to a bar for a beer. He asked...

I had always found him attractive and obviously I got along well with him but I was surprised. Just as I was surprised when he said he and his wife were having issues. They are a beautiful couple, who also began dating at the same place of work. She hadn't worked there in a few years, however.

 

It probably could be classified an emotional affair even before that "confession" but it quickly turned physical. He said they were getting worse and the divorce was planned. I encouraged counseling but he assured me it was over. So, I continued, stupidly. And then after a couple of months and nothing changing, I started to question him. He said he needed more time and so on... and that's kind as how it went on for a few more months. During which time he went with his wife on two vacations and remortgaged their house. I feel I confronted him often but it was the same story. They fought all the time, she doesn't understand him, etc. But still he stayed.

 

I guess eventually I just got tired of all the bull**** and simply stopped talking to him. Even while working together...lol. He did try to be "friends" but I declined. Not politely probably but I did.

 

For the next several months though, I got to hear many stories and him and his wife. The trips, the gifts, the remodeling, every cute thing she had done or said over the weekend. I found another job asap and haven't heard from him since.

But that's how I know he's happy and she's happy. I got to hear all about it firsthand.

 

Also, they do not have children. So perhaps that's the only unique aspect of my story. So I can't convince myself he only stayed for the kids. It must be love right? He just realized what he had. That doesn't change using me I suppose. I just can't be angry at someone who is happy and in love with a deserving, beautiful woman.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Ok, I can tell you the highlights at least.

 

We worked together for a few years total. After I'd known him for about two years, during which time he had gotten engaged and married, we started to become friends. People are usually friends with coworkers but I would say on a slightly higher level. One day, he confessed to me that he and his wife were having problems. Fighting, no sex, talk of divorce. The same old story all of you have heard I'm sure. This was about 1.5 years after his wedding. So I said he could talk to me if he needed support because I thought that's what a friend would do. (I am single and childless myself.)

 

So after a month or so of that, he told me one evening after work that he had feelings for me. We had gone to a bar for a beer. He asked...

I had always found him attractive and obviously I got along well with him but I was surprised. Just as I was surprised when he said he and his wife were having issues. They are a beautiful couple, who also began dating at the same place of work. She hadn't worked there in a few years, however.

 

It probably could be classified an emotional affair even before that "confession" but it quickly turned physical. He said they were getting worse and the divorce was planned. I encouraged counseling but he assured me it was over. So, I continued, stupidly. And then after a couple of months and nothing changing, I started to question him. He said he needed more time and so on... and that's kind as how it went on for a few more months. During which time he went with his wife on two vacations and remortgaged their house. I feel I confronted him often but it was the same story. They fought all the time, she doesn't understand him, etc. But still he stayed.

 

I guess eventually I just got tired of all the bull**** and simply stopped talking to him. Even while working together...lol. He did try to be "friends" but I declined. Not politely probably but I did.

 

For the next several months though, I got to hear many stories and him and his wife. The trips, the gifts, the remodeling, every cute thing she had done or said over the weekend. I found another job asap and haven't heard from him since.

But that's how I know he's happy and she's happy. I got to hear all about it firsthand.

 

Also, they do not have children. So perhaps that's the only unique aspect of my story. So I can't convince myself he only stayed for the kids. It must be love right? He just realized what he had. That doesn't change using me I suppose. I just can't be angry at someone who is happy and in love with a deserving, beautiful woman.

 

Noelle, have you considered that possibly those stories were to punish you for cutting him off? Maybe he even embellished them.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. I suspect part of your anger is that you feel you didn't protect yourself while being a kind-hearted "friend" to this man. He saw an opportunity and went for it. You will eventually get over the anger. At that time you will see that this happened to you NOT because you are a loser (you are not!), but because HE IS a loser. There is nothing wrong with you. You had an experience. Life gives us experiences to learn and grow from. Your experiences don't define you. What you do with them is what defines you. Prove it to yourself now that you are strong, capable, and worthy of more than this ______ could give you.

 

Now, suicide...sister, I've had some tough times these last couple years and I can relate to how you are feeling. The thing is (admittedly I don't know him to know if he would actually be this sick)...can you imagine if he thought you were so into him that you took your own life? DO NOT LET HIM HAVE THAT! No thing or person is worth giving up your life. You will get through this and happiness will come again. Keep posting!!! We care about you!

[jennifernyc84]

Goodness!! I don't think anything or anyone is worth taking your own life!

 

That being said, I know how you feel. Trust me I do. Ask anyone on here, I've been through the wire more than a few times. So please believe me when I say I know how you feel. I'm still not doing so well. There are days that all I want to do is cry. Days that I can't eat, and nights that I can't sleep. What you are describing is not normal. I say this with respect and concern. Please get help. I've never been one to rush and suggest therapy or counseling, but I think you need help.

 

All the best.

 

And like Barrell said, we care about you!!! Big hugs!!!

[HappyAgain2014]

There's something about me that has made me "mistress-only material" and I don't believe it is fixable.

 

The ONLY thing that made you mistress-only material was your MM's maritial status. He already had a wife so an OW is the only role you could have. It has nothing to do with your value as a potential wife.

 

With a single man, the range of possibilities is wide open. I dated a single man after my affair ended. I was his girlfriend, then his fiancée, then his wife.

 

His NOT having a wife made all of that possible. I was the same person. The only difference was investing my time in a man who could and would make me his wife.

[waterwoman]

Please stop. Please go and see your doctor and tell him exactly how you feel and what you said here. I have been there, oh boy have I been there - I stood on a bridge over a busy road and just longed to jump - for it all to end - I was an ugly blot on a beautiful world - everyone would have an easier life without me - the only thing that stopped me is that I had my dog with me and I imagined him running around confused and terrified and getting hit by a car. So I didn't and I went to see my GP and was given meds. It was a long hard pull out of that state but I did it. I started running again, I changed my diet, I cut back on the wine, and slowly and surely I fitted back in to my world again.

 

There is so much to live for, so much xx

[SnowWhiteWins]

Noelle, please please please do not create a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Do not hurt yourself.

 

I'm willing to bet this douche lied to you from day 1. Marriage problems, no sex, fighting, etc. ALL cheaters say that. Did his wife know they were fighting? Did she know about the impending divorce? I'll bet my ass she had no clue. Your xmm was a cake eater. You were something extra on the side to entertain him. He lied to his wife. He lied to you. He was never going to leave her.

 

Note to self, if a man cheats on his WIFE (aka LIES to her), he will most certainly lie to the chick at the office whose pants he wants to breach.

 

Pp has is correct:. You ARE wife material. It starts with finding a SINGLE man. Not "separated." Not "divorcing." Not "living like roommates" with his wife. Absolutely single.

 

Choose better for yourself. People will treat you with respect, when you believe you are worthy of it. Don't let some lying douchebag destroy your life. YOU are in control here.

 

Oh and social media, the happy photos, how they've "movd past their problems,". Well, that's because there were never any "marriage problems," except the xmm being a selfish cheater, of course.

 

By the way, if I was you, I'd tell his wife. She deserves the truth. Blow up his world. since you've cut him off, I guarantee He's moved on to another OW. He's exposing his innocent wife to STDs. Tell her.

[gettingstronger]

Here is the deal- I would bet all involved in infidelity feel like this at some point-

 

I am a BS-I know I did- for pretty much all of the same reasons-feeling worthless, betrayed and broken

 

I know my husband-the WS did- felt worthless, ashamed, knew he betrayed himself-

 

Please gather your support and push forward-the feeling although intense, will pass-it may resurface again and again-but each time it will pass-

 

Hang in there- there are better solutions, I promise-

[AutumnMoon]

Please do not hurt yourself especially because of some guy !!

Your pain may never completely go away but it will dissipate, you will learn to live with that you will learn to cope you will find somebody else who loves you the way you deserve to be loved .

 

 

Do not hold onto his memory anymore but do remember this social media and stories told at work are no basis for truth if the marriage is happy or not.

[SoleMate]

There are better solutions, please don't make any decisions now while you're feeling so down.

 

Also go complete NC on exMM and exBW, including all possible routes of contact like Facebook, etc. Every tiny scrap of info is a new source of needless and pointless pain.

 

See your doctor, let him/her know you're feeling low, and get some help to get you through this. There are better days ahead.

 

Right now, call a suicide prevention hotline. Google for it. We care. Don't hurt yourself. You deserve better and you have a happy future ahead when you get through this.

[NoelleCat]

Thanks again, everyone.

 

That's actually why I figure suicide is the only option. I was just a joke to some guy, who isn't even a bad guy! His wife is beautiful and smart and overall pretty great. So just not sure what else to think except that I am the problem.

[jah526]

I was just a joke to some guy, who isn't even a bad guy!

 

That's the thing though - he IS a bad guy. He has you and probably others convinced that he is a good guy because he is a manipulator.

 

I work with the guy I was involved with and everyone thinks he's funny and nice. Only I know the truth. You should check out ChumpLady's site. She has a stock phrase for the BSs on there - trust that they suck. It's not you. Trust that he sucks.

[jennifernyc84]

That's the thing though - he IS a bad guy. He has you and probably others convinced that he is a good guy because he is a manipulator. .

 

This^^^^^^^

 

It's called charisma. They make you think they're good guys. That's probably what attracted you to him in the first place, right?

 

He doesn't sound like a good guy.

[oceansaway]

Remember...he is NOT a good guy if he lies and cheats on his wife. That makes him a scum bag. We all get caught up in things we know are wrong but YOU can change that by walking away with your head high. Don't give up...he isn't worth it

[Poppy47]

That's the thing though - he IS a bad guy. He has you and probably others convinced that he is a good guy because he is a manipulator.

 

I work with the guy I was involved with and everyone thinks he's funny and nice. Only I know the truth. You should check out ChumpLady's site. She has a stock phrase for the BSs on there - trust that they suck. It's not you. Trust that he sucks.

 

It makes me so angry to know that xMM is regarded as a pillar of his community, doing good deeds, general Mr Nice Guy next door.

 

I have regular fantasies of sending some of his loving emails to the next council meeting of the charity he works for.... just fantasies.

 

Poppy.