When your best friend is cheating on her boyfriend, do you tell?

[Kkristine]

So, my best friend is communicating via text with her ex-fiance daily. His contact is under a woman's name. She still stays at his house every now and then, but "they don't do anything." The exchanged Christmas gifts this past year. They were together 9 years. I get it. She left him for her current boyfriend.

 

Neither guy knows about the other or even that she is communicating at all with the other.

 

She also admitted to me that she is into her current boyfriend's best friend. So, she is constantly flirting in front of him. She says she'd never leave him. So, she's dangling 3 men.

 

She had me pick her up at her ex-fiance's house Saturday morning, and then take her to her current boyfriend's house.

 

I drove home crying because I genuinely like all guys involved, she is my best friend, but I despice the act of cheating, whether it's physical or not. I was cheated on 7 months ago, and she was with me through it all. She still to this day tells me how much better off I am because I still have crying spells maybe a couple times a month.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being passive aggressive and ignoring her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but at the same time, who can sit there and tell me that my ex was a jerk for doing what he did yet you're doing the same thing.

[fireflywy]

If her boyfriend is good guy then you should tell him. If you lose her, we'll, for as tough as it is, it may be for the best. In the end, her shallowness for her relationships will probably play into your friendship one day as well.

[Poppyolive]

Tell her exactly how you feel and that you won't be "supporting" her through her cheating excapades any longer. No pick ups or cover ups etc. You can still be a best friend, but at least this way it will save your conscience somewhat. This is what I would do.

 

Also I'd probably suggest her talking to someone professional as she is doing very messed up hurtful things and probably should not be in any kind of relationship until she gets her relationship with herself on the right track. Everything else she will have to figure out and learn for herself.

 

If I were you I wouldn't go telling the men. Don't take on that drama or stress, simply put your foot down with your best friend stating clearly you want absolutely nothing to do with her cheating.

[JS84]

You can tell her how you feel but from the way you describe your friend I doubt it would really change anything in terms of her behavior or how she feels about it.

 

 

Can't really tell you what you should do as I don't think there's any action you could take that will help this situation end happily.

 

1. You say nothing, eventually your friend will probably get caught. Once she does and it's discovered you knew what she was doing, said nothing, and even helped facilitate her cheating the men are going to be mad at both of you. And there will be fallout.

 

2. You tell one or all of the men what's going on. Your best friend will be mad at you. And there will be fallout.

 

3. You simply back away from the situation entirely. You can tell the best friend why or not, but leave her to her own devices. There will be fallout, but it won't be nearly as bad for you.

 

 

#3 is what I would do in your shoes. I also wouldn't contact the men either due to your own knowledge and involvement in the situation. There's no way you come out of this looking good unless you were to do #2, but again you'd probably lose your friend (although from how you describe her I don't really consider that much of a loss).

[PegNosePete]

She had me pick her up at her ex-fiance's house Saturday morning, and then take her to her current boyfriend's house.

What are you, an Uber driver or something? Why are you driving her around all over the place?

 

I despice the act of cheating, whether it's physical or not. I was cheated on 7 months ago, and she was with me through it all. She still to this day tells me how much better off I am because I still have crying spells maybe a couple times a month.

If I were you I'd tell her exactly this. Tell her you value her friendship but her cheating ways are reminding you of what happened to you and upsetting you, and you don't want to be an accessory to her cheating. What she does is up to her but she shouldn't be involving, or even telling, you.

[road]

You are supporting her cheating.

What to do?

Minimum stop helping her to cheat.

Best thing to do is she is not the kind of person to have for a friend

so dump her, and tell all three men that they are being cheated on.

[angel.eyes]

What are you, an Uber driver or something? Why are you driving her around all over the place?

 

My thoughts exactly!

 

It sounds like she callously uses other people and has zero qualms about betraying their trust. If she is doing this to her "boyfriends" who presumably believe she loves them, what makes you think that she won't use you and treat you with the same ruthless disregard when it suits her.

 

Rethink your definition of a friend and the qualities a best friend should possess. She's shown who she really is. She'll toss you aside like an afterthought when you no longer serve her purposes. Is that the type of best friend you want? Someone that can't be trusted?

[smackie9]

What to do?

 

Tell her, her actions are already eroding your friendship with her. She is being deceptive, and she isn't fooling you, you KNOW that she is cheating on her BF and you will not be a part of it. She saw how cheating affected you, so why do this kind of behavior?

No more rides, no more covering her ass. You are done. Let her know this has taken an emotional toll on you and you will be distancing yourself from all of this and her.

[Space Ritual]

She had me pick her up at her ex-fiance's house Saturday morning, and then take her to her current boyfriend's house.

 

 

You can hate her actions all you want...

 

But by this act alone you now are complicit in it as well.

 

So it is up to you but I sure would not want to be you when this guy finds out. Because he will. If I were you I would do the right thing now.

 

People tend to feel some sort of loyalty to their friends. I get that.

 

But what you do not understand is that your friend is not being loyal to you as a friend at all. She is using you for not only a sounding board but for a ride. And she is doing it for no other reason than to justify the means in her mind.

 

After all in her mind, if you don't give her any heat for it, then obviously you don't think it's THAT BAD. So engaging in this with her is akin to aiding her. You may think there is a huge difference. But in reality there isn't. Package it any way you want, you are complicit in it.

 

I just want to remind you that when this all does come out, that the poor guy who is a victim of this woman is not going to be very accepting to any apology or explanation on your part when he discovers your role. And he will. When these things unravel usually they unravel all the way as people tend to throw each other under the bus to assuage their own guilt.

 

I experienced a very similar situation once when others knew what was going on behind my back and failed to tell me for fear of being implicated. I am a different person now but I found out over 4 years after the fact. The time frame did not deter me a bit. They thought that enough time had passed by that I would not be upset enough at them as to track them down for the sole purpose of a physical confrontation. They were very wrong.

 

 

Only you know what you are going to do. But I hope you are honest and tell the poor guy. I know it would be difficult, but life itself is difficult and we are judged by our action and inaction. I know that all too well.

 

If you decide to keep her secret, then I hope you have the common decency to at the very least distance yourself from your friend and especially this guy on a permanent basis. Because again, people tend to act very irrationally when they discover that other people had critical information that would have made a difference in the direction their life took and withheld it.

[Quitquit]

I don't know how much this will help but there is a saying "not your circus; not your monkeys". You need to distance yourself both physically and emotionally from this person as much as possible. You will never be able to control what she does. Basically she is the ringmaster and you are just a pawn in her game. You don't have to be part of it.

[Clockwork]

If this is your good friend, and the boyfriend she is with is oblivious and it genuine, then yes, tell him. If you don't want to risk losing your friendship with the girl then send him an anonymous email. I am more the type to say it out in the open, but not everyone is like that so you can do it that way and still not lose your friendship but ease your conscience.

[Hopefuleddie]

First of all sorry for what happened to you. I would suggest you have an honest heart felt talk with your friend; you should remind her of the pain you have gone through because of the same thing.

[Kkristine]

I told her how I felt about everything last night.

 

She became very defensive and doesn't understand why I take her cheating so personally. I told her I can't help the way that I feel. Being cheated on was the worst pain I have ever felt. I know she isn't cheating on me, but it feels like a slap in the face. I've been letting it drag on for months, and I've tried to let it go. I just can't. I don't want to be around it anymore.

 

She finds it unfair that she needs to demolish her relationships with these men in order for me to come around again. I told her it had nothing to do with that, I just can't help but feel resentment towards her.

 

I know I had personal issues with infidelity that I have to get over, but I can't get over it with my best friend doing the same darn thing and telling me all about it.

 

Am I in the wrong? She doesn't understand why I just can't be her friend. Believe me, I've been trying.

 

I get it. Her excuse is that she's almost 30 and doesn't want to be alone. I get it. But...

[d0nnivain]

I would not blab to her BF but I also wouldn't enable her deceptive behavior either.

 

 

You say you don't want to lose her friendship. My Q to you is why not? She is not a trustworthy friend. You see how she treats people.

[smackie9]

I would not blab to her BF but I also wouldn't enable her deceptive behavior either.

 

 

You say you don't want to lose her friendship. My Q to you is why not? She is not a trustworthy friend. You see how she treats people.

She is selfish...she doesn't want to be alone? She will end up alone if she keeps this up. It's going to blow up in her face.

 

Anyways tell her what she is doing says a lot about her character, and you will not have any association with it. End of.

 

Sometimes we grow out of our friends and move on.

[Space Ritual]

I told her how I felt about everything last night.

 

She became very defensive and doesn't understand why I take her cheating so personally. I told her I can't help the way that I feel. Being cheated on was the worst pain I have ever felt. I know she isn't cheating on me, but it feels like a slap in the face. I've been letting it drag on for months, and I've tried to let it go. I just can't. I don't want to be around it anymore.

 

She finds it unfair that she needs to demolish her relationships with these men in order for me to come around again. I told her it had nothing to do with that, I just can't help but feel resentment towards her.

 

I know I had personal issues with infidelity that I have to get over, but I can't get over it with my best friend doing the same darn thing and telling me all about it.

 

Am I in the wrong? She doesn't understand why I just can't be her friend. Believe me, I've been trying.

 

I get it. Her excuse is that she's almost 30 and doesn't want to be alone. I get it. But...

 

Why would you be in the wrong? You showed you have integrity.

 

 

And of course she doesn't understand...it's all about her. Infidelity is selfish enough as it is, but expecting people to condone their actions when they KNOW it runs counter to their principles is about as selfish as it gets.

 

She showed you who she was.

 

And please...when does "I'm almost 30 and I don't want to be alone" pass as a plausible excuse to be unfaithful to your fiance?

 

That is effing laughable.

 

Actually she in a way is cheating on your friendship, by demanding you give up your principles for accepting to be complicit in her ass covering.

 

 

Just remember that any friend that would demand you make a choice between what you know is wrong and their selfish and damaging actions is no friend at all.

 

Life is real and not some bad movie where all conflicts are resolved in an hour and forty minutes and the credits roll and you walk out of the theater not having to deal with any of it again. Life does not work that way, for we ARE defined by our actions, and we cannot escape that.

 

So rather than give you advice on what your next step should be I would just like to take a moment to commend you on making a very difficult albeit wise choice. It may seem bittersweet but your friend put you in this position, and if someone should feel awful about any of this, it's her.

 

Just remember that she is probably right now incapable of feeling bad about it, and probably never will until she is caught. Which eventually she will be. And when that day come the only person she will ever feels sorry for is herself.

 

You did just fine. Pat yourself on the back.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Space Ritual