My emotional stages after dumping someone

[Aly101]

I see that a lot of people on here are dumpees who recently got dumped, and I want to share what I went through after I ended a serious relationship. My ex and I were together for over a year, things were going great until the final 1-2 months were filled with jealousy and petty arguments. I ended things after I gave it good though. This is what I went through the time after the BU.

1) Relief and happiness. I think this is very common at the beginning of every BU, the dumper feels relief and happiness.

2) Thoughts of ex and feelings of missing them. After about 3-4 months, I started to think about him a lot more, even thought about reaching out one time but didn't.

3) Isolation and feelings of missing the ex intensified. I reeeaaally wanted to reach out, but I knew he would most likely turn me down and I needed to move on.

4) Fake acceptance. I told myself I was done with them, and focused less on him. In the back of my mind I knew I was just confusing myself.

5) Feelinfs of missing the ex leaked, reached out. This was over 6 months after. I reached out and got turned down instantly. He said he moved on.

6) Acceptamce. I knew at this point it just wasn't meant to be. I forced myself to move on.

Yes, I did think long and hard about the break up. I never once thought "I will want to get back with him later on." The feelings just came later on. He begged to keep me at first (whiich only boosted my ego) but not too much. This has happened to me as the dumpee too, I have had all of my serious exes dump me and come back AFTER I moved on. Of course everyone is different and some people swear by NEVER going to an ex, some are open to the idea. Feel free to share your thoughts/stories.

[marky00]

Interesting.

 

 

I myself find breadcrumbs or reaching out by a dumper quite confusing. My ex gf who dumped me, about 6 months after NC started sending me some messages asking me how I was etc. I never replied since the messages didn't seem totally authentic. You see, a dumpee is usually quite scorned and has done an incredible amount of mental work so the dumper really needs to reach out in the right way or a dumpee will not entertain it because they have decided that dignity and self-love is the most important thing.

 

 

But yeh I don't really get it. I guess with me when I was a dumper I realised I never loved that person in the first place so I withdrew fast (like after a few months into the relationship) and didn't string them along because I knew I wasn't feeling it. If I knew that they had moved on and was doing well, honestly that would have been all I needed to know.

 

 

Now I have not been a dumper where I was once heavily emotionally invested and then lost feelings. So this is an experience I have never felt. But I still don't get why my ex gf would want to send me messages when I gave her exactly what she wanted. She should have been thrilled that I went NC without a peep. But NO, apparently that wasn't good enough and I just don't get it.

 

 

A question for you but OP.

 

 

When you really look into your heart, did you realise you loved him and genuinely wanted to go back into a relationship? Because I suspect it was more about you wanted what you could no longer have.

 

 

Dumpees come on to this site venting for months. I have been doing so for 2 years. I have seen posts like your before and it is actually quite common but when I analyse the words carefully, it doesn't feel like your heart-broken or utterly distressed. It just looks more like your ego took a hit.

 

 

And that's the bit that scares me about reconciliations. If the dumper isn't feeling that emotional turmoil on an equal level, it simply won't work.

[Sweetfish]

I see that a lot of people on here are dumpees who recently got dumped, and I want to share what I went through after I ended a serious relationship. My ex and I were together for over a year, things were going great until the final 1-2 months were filled with jealousy and petty arguments. I ended things after I gave it good though. This is what I went through the time after the BU.

1) Relief and happiness. I think this is very common at the beginning of every BU, the dumper feels relief and happiness.

2) Thoughts of ex and feelings of missing them. After about 3-4 months, I started to think about him a lot more, even thought about reaching out one time but didn't.

3) Isolation and feelings of missing the ex intensified. I reeeaaally wanted to reach out, but I knew he would most likely turn me down and I needed to move on.

4) Fake acceptance. I told myself I was done with them, and focused less on him. In the back of my mind I knew I was just confusing myself.

5) Feelinfs of missing the ex leaked, reached out. This was over 6 months after. I reached out and got turned down instantly. He said he moved on.

6) Acceptamce. I knew at this point it just wasn't meant to be. I forced myself to move on.

Yes, I did think long and hard about the break up. I never once thought "I will want to get back with him later on." The feelings just came later on. He begged to keep me at first (whiich only boosted my ego) but not too much. This has happened to me as the dumpee too, I have had all of my serious exes dump me and come back AFTER I moved on. Of course everyone is different and some people swear by NEVER going to an ex, some are open to the idea. Feel free to share your thoughts/stories.

 

 

That is why these 30 day ex recovery programs are full of crap... because a dumper will always feel relief when they pull the trigger.

 

And if the dumpee shows his/her ugly head... it will RE-ENFORCE that dumping him/her was for the right reasons.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I have zero respect for people who do not respect the commitment aspect of a relationship. If you get into a relationship, you work through problems. A month or two of having problems should not be enough to give up on a person you said you loved. I have walked the walked having been in a 9 year relationship where I left only because it became abusive.

 

The feelings come and go, you should respect your partner enough to commit through bad and good times. It's good he didn't take you back because you clearly view relationships in an extremely immature way and you will never have a successful LTR if you continue to view them that way.

[Aly101]

Interesting.

 

 

I myself find breadcrumbs or reaching out by a dumper quite confusing. My ex gf who dumped me, about 6 months after NC started sending me some messages asking me how I was etc. I never replied since the messages didn't seem totally authentic. You see, a dumpee is usually quite scorned and has done an incredible amount of mental work so the dumper really needs to reach out in the right way or a dumpee will not entertain it because they have decided that dignity and self-love is the most important thing.

 

 

But yeh I don't really get it. I guess with me when I was a dumper I realised I never loved that person in the first place so I withdrew fast (like after a few months into the relationship) and didn't string them along because I knew I wasn't feeling it. If I knew that they had moved on and was doing well, honestly that would have been all I needed to know.

 

 

Now I have not been a dumper where I was once heavily emotionally invested and then lost feelings. So this is an experience I have never felt. But I still don't get why my ex gf would want to send me messages when I gave her exactly what she wanted. She should have been thrilled that I went NC without a peep. But NO, apparently that wasn't good enough and I just don't get it.

 

 

A question for you but OP.

 

 

When you really look into your heart, did you realise you loved him and genuinely wanted to go back into a relationship? Because I suspect it was more about you wanted what you could no longer have.

 

 

Dumpees come on to this site venting for months. I have been doing so for 2 years. I have seen posts like your before and it is actually quite common but when I analyse the words carefully, it doesn't feel like your heart-broken or utterly distressed. It just looks more like your ego took a hit.

 

 

And that's the bit that scares me about reconciliations. If the dumper isn't feeling that emotional turmoil on an equal level, it simply won't work.

 

I never felt my ego "took a hit" I just had the time to really think about things. I didn't want to go back, I wanted to start a NEW relationship. I knew he had things to improve on, and I did too. I gave him breadcrumbs at first, it probably made his interest level drop a lot...I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered. It may never be uncovered. I think stress from a relationship covers it a lot. Time away might help you uncover it, or find someone else down the road. I've never truly loved someone then just stopped. I always had some feelings for my ex but the stress was in my mind too much.

[Aly101]

I have zero respect for people who do not respect the commitment aspect of a relationship. If you get into a relationship, you work through problems. A month or two of having problems should not be enough to give up on a person you said you loved. I have walked the walked having been in a 9 year relationship where I left only because it became abusive.

 

The feelings come and go, you should respect your partner enough to commit through bad and good times. It's good he didn't take you back because you clearly view relationships in an extremely immature way and you will never have a successful LTR if you continue to view them that way.

 

I 100% agree with you. I'm going to start working through problems, not hoping they go away. Thank you.

[Aly101]

That is why these 30 day ex recovery programs are full of crap... because a dumper will always feel relief when they pull the trigger.

 

And if the dumpee shows his/her ugly head... it will RE-ENFORCE that dumping him/her was for the right reasons.

 

The only think that works is moving on...being happy and confident is attractive.

[marky00]

I never felt my ego "took a hit" I just had the time to really think about things. I didn't want to go back, I wanted to start a NEW relationship. I knew he had things to improve on, and I did too. I gave him breadcrumbs at first, it probably made his interest level drop a lot...I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered. It may never be uncovered. I think stress from a relationship covers it a lot. Time away might help you uncover it, or find someone else down the road. I've never truly loved someone then just stopped. I always had some feelings for my ex but the stress was in my mind too much.

 

 

And it should be a new relationship. BUT, at some point as the dumper you will need to touch on what happened in the past. Not obsess over it but it needs to be done or the dumpee will never truly open up again.

 

 

You get out of a relationship what you put in. If you put in nothing (and that includes not communicating and not being open), then in the end you will get nothing in return.

[whatdeww18]

I never felt my ego "took a hit" I just had the time to really think about things. I didn't want to go back, I wanted to start a NEW relationship. I knew he had things to improve on, and I did too. I gave him breadcrumbs at first, it probably made his interest level drop a lot...I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered. It may never be uncovered. I think stress from a relationship covers it a lot. Time away might help you uncover it, or find someone else down the road. I've never truly loved someone then just stopped. I always had some feelings for my ex but the stress was in my mind too much.

 

I think if you think about the OP's post originally, it just really boils down to how your feelings for your ex "leaked." Depending on how you take this statement makes it seem like it's a hit to the ego or not. If they leaked because you realized you truly loved your ex and saw that this love intensified as time passed and you HAD to reach out to your ex to see if you could rekindle things, then it's not the ego talking but love. However, if it was by chance or slip, it could be taken as an ego hit. Honestly, people are so complicated and true feelings can be muddled so easily but if you reached out because love was there and you realized you wanted to truly commit, that's the lesson I think dumpers who said they "lost feelings" should express that they learned.

 

To the OP, I respect you. You're taking some of these really true, but possibly harsh words with respect and showing that you have learned. All I can say is I hope that you continue to learn and grow, and that you may find happiness whether your ex comes back to you or you find another love

 

Also, thank you for your original post. It's nice to see the development, from your perspective, from lost feelings and even after a thought out break up. Don't worry, won't be taking your account as my own situation.

 

Sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[marky00]

I think if you think about the OP's post originally, it just really boils down to how your feelings for your ex "leaked." Depending on how you take this statement makes it seem like it's a hit to the ego or not. If they leaked because you realized you truly loved your ex and saw that this love intensified as time passed and you HAD to reach out to your ex to see if you could rekindle things, then it's not the ego talking but love. However, if it was by chance or slip, it could be taken as an ego hit. Honestly, people are so complicated and true feelings can be muddled so easily but if you reached out because love was there and you realized you wanted to truly commit, that's the lesson I think dumpers who said they "lost feelings" should express that they learned.

 

To the OP, I respect you. You're taking some of these really true, but possibly harsh words with respect and showing that you have learned. All I can say is I hope that you continue to learn and grow, and that you may find happiness whether your ex comes back to you or you find another love

 

Also, thank you for your original post. It's nice to see the development, from your perspective, from lost feelings and even after a thought out break up. Don't worry, won't be taking your account as my own situation.

 

Sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Thing is but there have been countless posts such as this where the dumper reached out and when a dumpee appeared to be still interested they ran away again.

 

 

Its odd how so many people don't see the difference between ego and love.

 

 

To keep it simple, if it pains you somewhat to know you will never speak to him again, then that is probably love on some level.

 

 

The OP herself said she accepted and moved on but I guess the real question is how much does it bother her now?

[whatdeww18]

Thing is but there have been countless posts such as this where the dumper reached out and when a dumpee appeared to be still interested they ran away again.

 

 

Its odd how so many people don't see the difference between ego and love.

 

 

To keep it simple, if it pains you somewhat to know you will never speak to him again, then that is probably love on some level.

 

 

The OP herself said she accepted and moved on but I guess the real question is how much does it bother her now?

 

There are a good number of threads on here that do support the fact that ego does speak a lot of the times, where they "sense" that the ex has moved on. They try to get the ex back, as they don't want to lose them. I agree.

 

At the same time, we don't know how the OP feels right now. I think there was another thread where we talked about a consistency and vulnerability that shows the dumper truly loves the dumpee, and wants the dumpee back. However, it's hard to delve into the words of the dumper, especially when the dumper posts a while after the event has happened.

 

So, what I could say that the dumper did come back for ego, and when she saw that she was denied, she forced herself to move on from her hurt ego.

 

I could also say, she had to force herself to move on because she was denied the chance to rekindle from trying to get back with her ex who she realized she truly loved and took time to notice.

 

To get to the answer to your point about ego vs love, it will be up to the OP to answer. However, I do completely get your point. The loss of someone you truly love does hurt beyond words. Maybe the OP can expand upon the feelings of how you felt when you were denied when you asked for your ex back and how you went about it?

 

marky00, do you think there may be a timeline that differentiates ego vs love? I would believe that the shorter the time that the dumper takes to reach out to the dumpee, ie like 2-3 months, it's ego? Or maybe it's the reverse? I would think ego speaking would be in the short time frame, as you would expect the dumpee to reach out or show signs of pain, but when the dumper sees the dumpee smiling and enjoying life, they reach out from a damaged ego. The longer that time goes, and no contact, the dumper truly misses the dumpee, for who they were, and can realize the love that was and is there? Maybe?

 

I also believe this is why many guides say to stay in no contact unless you hear begging or something where you deem that the dumper shows that they truly love the dumpee. Dumpees don't need to pulled into the ego stroke.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited January 23, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Sweetfish]

I never felt my ego "took a hit" I just had the time to really think about things. I didn't want to go back, I wanted to start a NEW relationship. I knew he had things to improve on, and I did too. I gave him breadcrumbs at first, it probably made his interest level drop a lot...I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered. It may never be uncovered. I think stress from a relationship covers it a lot. Time away might help you uncover it, or find someone else down the road. I've never truly loved someone then just stopped. I always had some feelings for my ex but the stress was in my mind too much.

 

When you say start a NEW relationship.. what do you mean? This sounds like something you picked up online. I could be wrong. But their will be no new relationship. Its more like the relationship is for ever changed.

 

When the USA bombed Japan... there wasn't a new Japan.. but simply a rebuilt Japan. Thats how recons work. The dumper can't just say... "Well lets start new!" No you have to clean the bomb fragments, rebuild broken ties and, build trust and prove your self to the dumpee your not back to just ride the donkey.

 

Once the dumper feels the loss eventually, they lack the perspective of what the dumpee has gone thru.

[Aly101]

The OP herself said she accepted and moved on but I guess the real question is how much does it bother her now?

 

It's bothering me quite a bit, I did spill my emotions but was still denied. I feel I do love him, but things going on in and outside the relationship made me feel like I lost it. I dong believe it's ever lost if it's real.

[Aly101]

When you say start a NEW relationship.. what do you mean? This sounds like something you picked up online. I could be wrong. But their will be no new relationship. Its more like the relationship is for ever changed.

 

When the USA bombed Japan... there wasn't a new Japan.. but simply a rebuilt Japan. Thats how recons work. The dumper can't just say... "Well lets start new!" No you have to clean the bomb fragments, rebuild broken ties and, build trust and prove your self to the dumpee your not back to just ride the donkey.

 

Once the dumper feels the loss eventually, they lack the perspective of what the dumpee has gone thru.

 

I mean we can't jump back where we left off, we have to start fresh on work on everything until it feels right again. It will take a while for the dumpee to feel "safe" I believe. They'll have that fear of being left again.

[marinero]

I just dumped someone 4 days ago. I only knew her 4 months but I had just felt myself falling in love with her when I realized her boundaries with opposite sex friends were very loose. I mentioned this in the most peaceful non jealous way I could and she reacted selfishly to it.

 

So I basically dumped her because 1) because she was not compatible with how I build respect, trust, and appreciation. So this has made it easy.

But 2) I am sad that she did not take my

eelings into consideration. So this has made it hard. She did not chase me. She fought with me and said I was being jealous and that's not love and blah blah. This both hurt but confirmed I was right.

 

But overall I think I did what was right. I do want her to call me and say she thought things through and decided I had some good points and that she sees I was standing up for myself and my boundaries. But I know she will not, mostly because by the time I dumped her, I had a lot of built up frustration, so I was pretty mean about it. I mean I was nice, but then became pretty bitter about how I vented. I did this also partly so I knew there would be no going back. I am tired of feeling like there night might be a chance with exes.

 

But I am feeling better already. Will I miss her in 2 weeks? I have no idea. But I will not be reaching out to her. She said we did not understand each other so we should stop texting even though it could have been great if we weren't no far apart physically.

 

I could not imagine trying to work it out with her by trying to apologize. I had already tried to talk to her and has to dump her because she did not listen and respond the way I had hoped. In this situation she has to contact me. I felt I was partially the dumpee in this sense. But there is relief that I do not have to feel like I am not being heard anymore and stood up for myself.

[Aly101]

I just dumped someone 4 days ago. I only knew her 4 months but I had just felt myself falling in love with her when I realized her boundaries with opposite sex friends were very loose. I mentioned this in the most peaceful non jealous way I could and she reacted selfishly to it.

 

So I basically dumped her because 1) because she was not compatible with how I build respect, trust, and appreciation. So this has made it easy.

But 2) I am sad that she did not take my

eelings into consideration. So this has made it hard. She did not chase me. She fought with me and said I was being jealous and that's not love and blah blah. This both hurt but confirmed I was right.

 

But overall I think I did what was right. I do want her to call me and say she thought things through and decided I had some good points and that she sees I was standing up for myself and my boundaries. But I know she will not, mostly because by the time I dumped her, I had a lot of built up frustration, so I was pretty mean about it. I mean I was nice, but then became pretty bitter about how I vented. I did this also partly so I knew there would be no going back. I am tired of feeling like there night might be a chance with exes.

 

But I am feeling better already. Will I miss her in 2 weeks? I have no idea. But I will not be reaching out to her. She said we did not understand each other so we should stop texting even though it could have been great if we weren't no far apart physically.

 

I could not imagine trying to work it out with her by trying to apologize. I had already tried to talk to her and has to dump her because she did not listen and respond the way I had hoped. In this situation she has to contact me. I felt I was partially the dumpee in this sense. But there is relief that I do not have to feel like I am not being heard anymore and stood up for myself.

She was neglecting your needs. In this case, she has to reach out to you and improve herself. It seems you're more so the dumpee in this case. If she loves you, she will see what she did was wrong and apologize and show you. This is why I make sure I'm close to someone before dating them, I want to make sure we have the same views, goals, etc.

[warpingmind]

I was the dumper 4 months ago but feel like the dumpee,basically because he was having feelings for someone else and even met with her behind my back.

And this was the second time. The first time he said he wasn't feeling ok, that we could continue but it probably wouldn't work.He never had the courage to say "we should end this".It was always delegated to me.This person I was with for 10 years, I expected more of him.

[Aly101]

I was the dumper 4 months ago but feel like the dumpee,basically because he was having feelings for someone else and even met with her behind my back.

And this was the second time. The first time he said he wasn't feeling ok, that we could continue but it probably wouldn't work.He never had the courage to say "we should end this".It was always delegated to me.This person I was with for 10 years, I expected more of him.

 

Cheating should never be reconsidered. Don't go back

[jorgeg3d]

Interesting.

 

 

I myself find breadcrumbs or reaching out by a dumper quite confusing. My ex gf who dumped me, about 6 months after NC started sending me some messages asking me how I was etc. I never replied since the messages didn't seem totally authentic. You see, a dumpee is usually quite scorned and has done an incredible amount of mental work so the dumper really needs to reach out in the right way or a dumpee will not entertain it because they have decided that dignity and self-love is the most important thing.

 

 

But yeh I don't really get it. I guess with me when I was a dumper I realised I never loved that person in the first place so I withdrew fast (like after a few months into the relationship) and didn't string them along because I knew I wasn't feeling it. If I knew that they had moved on and was doing well, honestly that would have been all I needed to know.

 

 

Now I have not been a dumper where I was once heavily emotionally invested and then lost feelings. So this is an experience I have never felt. But I still don't get why my ex gf would want to send me messages when I gave her exactly what she wanted. She should have been thrilled that I went NC without a peep. But NO, apparently that wasn't good enough and I just don't get it.

 

 

A question for you but OP.

 

 

When you really look into your heart, did you realise you loved him and genuinely wanted to go back into a relationship? Because I suspect it was more about you wanted what you could no longer have.

 

 

Dumpees come on to this site venting for months. I have been doing so for 2 years. I have seen posts like your before and it is actually quite common but when I analyse the words carefully, it doesn't feel like your heart-broken or utterly distressed. It just looks more like your ego took a hit.

 

 

And that's the bit that scares me about reconciliations. If the dumper isn't feeling that emotional turmoil on an equal level, it simply won't work.

 

I agree with you. I tend to find out things won't work out early on and let go early as oppose to stringing things until it becomes difficult to be apart. I don't get why women tend to do this more often then not.

 

And also, I'll never get how someone could be in so much love and then fall out of love fairly easily. That has me for a loop. Unless they never really loved to begin with.

[Aly101]

I agree with you. I tend to find out things won't work out early on and let go early as oppose to stringing things until it becomes difficult to be apart. I don't get why women tend to do this more often then not.

 

And also, I'll never get how someone could be in so much love and then fall out of love fairly easily. That has me for a loop. Unless they never really loved to begin with.

 

If they truly thought they loved you, and knew they did love you, then I think it's more so covered rather than lost. It also depends how they handle relationships. If they believe in chances and coming back after a while, then chances of coming back are higher.If they are the type that dumps and never looks back, then your chances are probably none. One of my exes said we needed to find each other and it will take a while, he came back a year later. He said he couldn't be in a relationship and wouldn't he happy in one at the moment. After all of his problems were solved and he was ready, he came back. I was too scared of being hurt again so I declined. He said he always loved me but the arguments just filled hiis mind and he could only focus on my negatives rather than my positives. Time made him discover what he wanted. I mean every I love you I say, and I could go back to an ex tag dumped me, but the fear is too high. They destroyed my trust forever.

[Sweetfish]

I mean we can't jump back where we left off, we have to start fresh on work on everything until it feels right again. It will take a while for the dumpee to feel "safe" I believe. They'll have that fear of being left again.

 

 

I disagree... you will have to go back where you left off.

You have to both be adults and go back to the wreck and say.. ok this is what happened. Then you clean the mess from there.. but you do it this time without arguments and pointing fingers and without the flare of emotion.

 

Both of you are in two different stages and if the dumpee went thru the stages of grief in a healthy way... he has surpassed you in growing in the relationship. You are just finally feeling the breakup... what 4 to 6 months later...

 

If you don't agree... just ask the many dumpee here. After all the pain... they will still want to go back to that day and know exactly what happened. Most will devalue the dumper... others will cling not to hate the dumper.

 

Those 3-4 months of freedom you felt was probably the result of feeling trapped in the relationship and in combination to anything you felt annoyed in the relationship.

 

Eventually, you realized nothing outside the relationship gave you the deep love you had in the relationship and those feelings resurfaced. Like a dead body you thru into the river... it will eventually surfaces... somehow and somewhere... specially if the dumpee disappears and the breakup was not his/her fault.

[jamili]

Thanks for sharing this. This is yet more proof that dumpers dont start feeling the loss until at LEAST 6 months of total NC. Its just the way the brain works. Humans never appreciate what they had until they lose it, it's so true. Im curious OP, how did you reach out before you got rejected? What did you say? How did you break the silence - breadcrumbs? Showing up at his door?

[marky00]

Yep, 6 months NC is the sweet spot.

 

 

My ex in addition to some messages over Xmas has now been doing weird stuff like unfriending and friending me on social media. I only know this because one of the apps I use comes up with a notification as someone friends me.

 

 

I also agree with the OP that if u truly loved, then a part of that love never disappears completely.

 

 

Its usually just the disappointments in the relationship and external factors that cause people to shut off their feelings or cover them up as the OP suggested. It's either that or I was with someone for 9 years who never cared from the start, so take your pick which one is the more likely scenario.

 

 

One thing is for sure. I will not respond to anything not worthy of my audience. I gave her enough chances, hell I already took her back once before. Unless she really shows change by her actions, I won't be making it easy for her to return.

[Aly101]

Thanks for sharing this. This is yet more proof that dumpers dont start feeling the loss until at LEAST 6 months of total NC. Its just the way the brain works. Humans never appreciate what they had until they lose it, it's so true. Im curious OP, how did you reach out before you got rejected? What did you say? How did you break the silence - breadcrumbs? Showing up at his door?

 

I sent breadcrumbs through text, then after being ignored, I opened up and told him I truly wanted to come back. I was declined.

[Nadine123]

I sent breadcrumbs through text, then after being ignored, I opened up and told him I truly wanted to come back. I was declined.

 

did you think he was going to come running back after sending him breadcrumbs?