Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I disagree... you will have to go back where you left off. You have to both be adults and go back to the wreck and say.. ok this is what happened. Then you clean the mess from there.. but you do it this time without arguments and pointing fingers and without the flare of emotion. Both of you are in two different stages and if the dumpee went thru the stages of grief in a healthy way... he has surpassed you in growing in the relationship. You are just finally feeling the breakup... what 4 to 6 months later... If you don't agree... just ask the many dumpee here. After all the pain... they will still want to go back to that day and know exactly what happened. Most will devalue the dumper... others will cling not to hate the dumper. Those 3-4 months of freedom you felt was probably the result of feeling trapped in the relationship and in combination to anything you felt annoyed in the relationship. Eventually, you realized nothing outside the relationship gave you the deep love you had in the relationship and those feelings resurfaced. Like a dead body you thru into the river... it will eventually surfaces... somehow and somewhere... specially if the dumpee disappears and the breakup was not his/her fault. I agree that I have to go back and fix the problems and talk through them carefully, but in my opinion, I want a relationship that was different from the last one with him. In a good way, without the issues and maybe even start up new hobbies with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 did you think he was going to come running back after sending him breadcrumbs? Nope, I knew he was most likely in a way better place. I didn't know if he would Come back or not. I read that it wasn't that uncommon for dumpees to reject returning dumpees. Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 True. My ex boyfriend ghosted me and six months later (last week) he calls and acts like nothing happened. I told him to go f himself. I think it's more of a matter of self respect. I miss him like crazy but would never go back to him. It's like wow, it actually took you that long? Did you apologise to him? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I have zero respect for people who do not respect the commitment aspect of a relationship. If you get into a relationship, you work through problems. A month or two of having problems should not be enough to give up on a person you said you loved. I have walked the walked having been in a 9 year relationship where I left only because it became abusive. The feelings come and go, you should respect your partner enough to commit through bad and good times. It's good he didn't take you back because you clearly view relationships in an extremely immature way and you will never have a successful LTR if you continue to view them that way.I 100% disagree with you. If you're young, and you're not feeling it anymore, then you're not feeling it anymore. Why try to force that? For the sake of being in a relationship? Because you once felt like that? On the one hand, you're right, in that if you're having problems with someone you still feel love for, you're likely not going to bail. But whether your problems are the cause of or a result of the lack of love, then the biggest favor you can do for that other person is to cut them loose. Under your scenario, what's the next step? You work out your disagreements, you come to a comfortable place where you get along like brother and sister, and then one of you wants to get married but the other is not in love. Are they supposed to get married anyway, just because they said they'd go steady with you a couple years before? That makes no sense. I've said this over and over, and I'll say it again. Relationships aren't prison sentences. They are trial runs. It doesn't always work out. You don't need a good reason to leave. You leave or stay because that's what feels right for you. It's really simple that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I 100% disagree with you. If you're young, and you're not feeling it anymore, then you're not feeling it anymore. Why try to force that? For the sake of being in a relationship? Because you once felt like that? On the one hand, you're right, in that if you're having problems with someone you still feel love for, you're likely not going to bail. But whether your problems are the cause of or a result of the lack of love, then the biggest favor you can do for that other person is to cut them loose. Under your scenario, what's the next step? You work out your disagreements, you come to a comfortable place where you get along like brother and sister, and then one of you wants to get married but the other is not in love. Are they supposed to get married anyway, just because they said they'd go steady with you a couple years before? That makes no sense. I've said this over and over, and I'll say it again. Relationships aren't prison sentences. They are trial runs. It doesn't always work out. You don't need a good reason to leave. You leave or stay because that's what feels right for you. It's really simple that way. Firmly disagree. Dating around are trial runs. If you get into a LTR that is not a trial run. You do not date someone for 2-3 years then bail because "feelings" went away. If you do that, then you are likely to do that again and again for the rest of your life. You will have a 2-4 year relationship, bail, rinse and repeat. Once you understand what relationships truly are, work, and yes friendship, and partnership, and not a "feeling", then you may be mature. Now I understand if you are a teenager, or maybe in college you want to date around and see what is out there. But once an adult, you can continue to treat relationships as an immature, temporary place to have fun, or you can see them as a partnership. If you aren't ready to settle down, do not involve someone in a LTR. If you are ready to settle down, then expect your feelings to fade and expect the need to do "work" to arise after a fun honeymoon period. Anything else is very unrealistic. Now if you WANT to be a serial monogamist, that is unfair to your partners if you don't let them know that this is probably going to be a few years and you're out. You should say that you don't believe relationships should be prison sentences to your prospective LTR and see if they bail. I certainly would because that would convey to me that you will not be ready to face hard times with me. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Firmly disagree. Dating around are trial runs. If you get into a LTR that is not a trial run. You do not date someone for 2-3 years then bail because "feelings" went away. If you do that, then you are likely to do that again and again for the rest of your life. You will have a 2-4 year relationship, bail, rinse and repeat. Once you understand what relationships truly are, work, and yes friendship, and partnership, and not a "feeling", then you may be mature. Now I understand if you are a teenager, or maybe in college you want to date around and see what is out there. But once an adult, you can continue to treat relationships as an immature, temporary place to have fun, or you can see them as a partnership. If you aren't ready to settle down, do not involve someone in a LTR. If you are ready to settle down, then expect your feelings to fade and expect the need to do "work" to arise after a fun honeymoon period. Anything else is very unrealistic. Now if you WANT to be a serial monogamist, that is unfair to your partners if you don't let them know that this is probably going to be a few years and you're out. You should say that you don't believe relationships should be prison sentences to your prospective LTR and see if they bail. I certainly would because that would convey to me that you will not be ready to face hard times with me. I agree with this, that will lead to tons of failed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 (edited) I 100% disagree with you. If you're young, and you're not feeling it anymore, then you're not feeling it anymore. Why try to force that? For the sake of being in a relationship? Because you once felt like that? On the one hand, you're right, in that if you're having problems with someone you still feel love for, you're likely not going to bail. But whether your problems are the cause of or a result of the lack of love, then the biggest favor you can do for that other person is to cut them loose. Under your scenario, what's the next step? You work out your disagreements, you come to a comfortable place where you get along like brother and sister, and then one of you wants to get married but the other is not in love. Are they supposed to get married anyway, just because they said they'd go steady with you a couple years before? That makes no sense. I've said this over and over, and I'll say it again. Relationships aren't prison sentences. They are trial runs. It doesn't always work out. You don't need a good reason to leave. You leave or stay because that's what feels right for you. It's really simple that way. Yes and No. Relationships, especially the longer ones do tend to ebb and flow feelings wise. And we all have different standards or beliefs as to how long a low point should be to prompt a breakup. A relationship should not be a prison sentence but then again, if someone was to feel that way about anything in life, that smacks of immaturity. Its kind of like blaming your unhappiness on your surroundings. Leaving because your not in love is one thing. But leaving because your blaming your partner for your unhappiness is not a healthy outlook. Oh, and all us veterans who have been at the hands of brutal dumpings, of course we will make such comments such as its ok for someone to call it quits regardless of the situation. We have to hold this view because that is part of our healing process. That is the only way we learn to forgive our dumpers. But I can totally understand a younger person who hasn't been burned too much, would idealise the idea of forming a long-lasting relationship and really fighting for it. Breakups suck and the more you have, you just get harder and harder which is not all good in my opinion. Edited January 23, 2017 by marky00 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 just wondering if there was an apology involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 just wondering if there was an apology involved? I apologized a decent amount, but he was completely done with me. Link to post Share on other sites
jorgeg3d Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Firmly disagree. Dating around are trial runs. If you get into a LTR that is not a trial run. You do not date someone for 2-3 years then bail because "feelings" went away. If you do that, then you are likely to do that again and again for the rest of your life. You will have a 2-4 year relationship, bail, rinse and repeat. Once you understand what relationships truly are, work, and yes friendship, and partnership, and not a "feeling", then you may be mature. Now I understand if you are a teenager, or maybe in college you want to date around and see what is out there. But once an adult, you can continue to treat relationships as an immature, temporary place to have fun, or you can see them as a partnership. If you aren't ready to settle down, do not involve someone in a LTR. If you are ready to settle down, then expect your feelings to fade and expect the need to do "work" to arise after a fun honeymoon period. Anything else is very unrealistic. Now if you WANT to be a serial monogamist, that is unfair to your partners if you don't let them know that this is probably going to be a few years and you're out. You should say that you don't believe relationships should be prison sentences to your prospective LTR and see if they bail. I certainly would because that would convey to me that you will not be ready to face hard times with me. I agree with you wholeheartedly. If you want a LTR, you will come across some if not several bumps on the road. You don't abandon ship just because there's a storm, no you plow through it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Look the fact here is that he MIGHT not be completely done with you, but is just practicing self-respect. Me and Marky for example still greatly care about our ex's, they both reached out after ghosting us, but we didnt agree to go back to them. Was it a good or a bad break up? because that can make all the difference in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Look the fact here is that he MIGHT not be completely done with you, but is just practicing self-respect. Me and Marky for example still greatly care about our ex's, they both reached out after ghosting us, but we didnt agree to go back to them. Was it a good or a bad break up? because that can make all the difference in the world. It was a good break up, no yelling or fighting at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 You really need to go out of your way to show him that you really want him back. A call and a text wont work. Thats just my opinion. good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 It was a good break up, no yelling or fighting at all. Why don't you tell us what happen and what you did to come back? Is he dating someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Firmly disagree. Dating around are trial runs. If you get into a LTR that is not a trial run. You do not date someone for 2-3 years then bail because "feelings" went away. If you do that, then you are likely to do that again and again for the rest of your life. You will have a 2-4 year relationship, bail, rinse and repeat. Once you understand what relationships truly are, work, and yes friendship, and partnership, and not a "feeling", then you may be mature. Now I understand if you are a teenager, or maybe in college you want to date around and see what is out there. But once an adult, you can continue to treat relationships as an immature, temporary place to have fun, or you can see them as a partnership. If you aren't ready to settle down, do not involve someone in a LTR. If you are ready to settle down, then expect your feelings to fade and expect the need to do "work" to arise after a fun honeymoon period. Anything else is very unrealistic. Now if you WANT to be a serial monogamist, that is unfair to your partners if you don't let them know that this is probably going to be a few years and you're out. You should say that you don't believe relationships should be prison sentences to your prospective LTR and see if they bail. I certainly would because that would convey to me that you will not be ready to face hard times with me. Exactly!! Can you imagine all of a sudden the S.O. just doesnt feel it anymore and you have to complete change your plans for your future... and the dumper comes back saying.. i made a mistake... Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Thanks for sharing this. This is yet more proof that dumpers dont start feeling the loss until at LEAST 6 months of total NC. Its just the way the brain works. Humans never appreciate what they had until they lose it, it's so true. Im curious OP, how did you reach out before you got rejected? What did you say? How did you break the silence - breadcrumbs? Showing up at his door? Do you think what the OP has said would be the same in a male dumper scenario? Of course not every dumper will get to the reaching out stage, but in general terms, from a males perspective would it be similar to the OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Do you think what the OP has said would be the same in a male dumper scenario? Of course not every dumper will get to the reaching out stage, but in general terms, from a males perspective would it be similar to the OP? And what if they have moved on to a real new relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 You really need to go out of your way to show him that you really want him back. A call and a text wont work. Thats just my opinion. good luck Would inviting him out to a nice dinner be a way? I don't want to seem crazy and show up to his door step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 And what if they have moved on to a real new relationship? It could be a rebound. If they went to it only a month or two after, then it will likely fail. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 It could be a rebound. If they went to it only a month or two after, then it will likely fail. immediately after (as in...right away), and been 5 months of happiness for them :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Do you think what the OP has said would be the same in a male dumper scenario? Of course not every dumper will get to the reaching out stage, but in general terms, from a males perspective would it be similar to the OP? I don't really think gender matters too much, but how they perceive relationships and coming back to an ex. Some people don't express or talk about their feelings at all, which can hurt them later on. That's what I did, and my emotions and feelings toward him didn't surface until quite later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 immediately after (as in...right away), and been 5 months of happiness for them :/ Were you a rebound? You also don't know how their relationship is operating behind the scenes, they could be struggling. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't really think gender matters too much, but how they perceive relationships and coming back to an ex. Some people don't express or talk about their feelings at all, which can hurt them later on. That's what I did, and my emotions and feelings toward him didn't surface until quite later. Gender DOES MATTER Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I apologized a decent amount, but he was completely done with me. I have two questions If you would have been seeming someone do you think this would have been different ? Also did you date in those 6 months ? I d like to know Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Would inviting him out to a nice dinner be a way? I don't want to seem crazy and show up to his door step. yes but please apologize again and show that youre sincere. If he refuses then you did what you can. Did he block you? Link to post Share on other sites
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