My emotional stages after dumping someone

[Bromeo]

My dumper sent me a text this morning. Something about thinking of me and wishing me the best. I didn't reply. I'm not sure if it will do any good talking to him again. I feel like replying to him is like saying " yes, sure, treat me like garbage, and then send me a text two months later. It will make it all okay."

 

I'm done with that crap. I don't know... I've done everything I could to be a good friend and girlfriend to him. What's the point in doing anything else. Even a simple response to his text, doesn't seem worthwhile to me sometimes.

 

I guess I sound a little bitter. I hope not.

 

I felt the same way with my two emails after chasing her for months. I had let go, and they set me back.

 

I know its fishing, but damn does it tug on the strings.

[AT15]

I felt the same way with my two emails after chasing her for months. I had let go, and they set me back.

 

I know its fishing, but damn does it tug on the strings.

 

I can rest easy knowing I loved him so deeply and so committed. I did everything I could to keep us connected and in each other's lives. So, he wanted something new and different. Ok. I can't change that. I'm me. I'll always be me. That's not going to change. So, I'll stay quiet. I've done all I could and he still walked. So? I see no point is responding.

[Bromeo]

Ive been asking people lately how many people they have felt truly connected to in their lives. 1? maybe 2?

 

My circle of friends cannot figure out why my ex has me so hooked, and its due to me not wanting to lose what I found to be such a strong bond.

 

They all soften up and understand when I explain it like that.

 

If you feel the same, respond. If not, don't.

 

But, don't make decisions while bitter. I know I am a very changed man after the last couple months of pain. He might be as well, who knows.

 

.02C

[jorgeg3d]

Ive been asking people lately how many people they have felt truly connected to in their lives. 1? maybe 2?

 

My circle of friends cannot figure out why my ex has me so hooked, and its due to me not wanting to lose what I found to be such a strong bond.

 

They all soften up and understand when I explain it like that.

 

If you feel the same, respond. If not, don't.

 

But, don't make decisions while bitter. I know I am a very changed man after the last couple months of pain. He might be as well, who knows.

 

.02C

 

Our stories are very similar Bromeo, I felt the same for my ex. Our problem lies, not in us but in our exe's inability to feel the same, or their inability to acknowledge that those feelings don't come around very often and sometimes its better to fix what you have than throw it away.

[AT15]

Ive been asking people lately how many people they have felt truly connected to in their lives. 1? maybe 2?

 

My circle of friends cannot figure out why my ex has me so hooked, and its due to me not wanting to lose what I found to be such a strong bond.

 

They all soften up and understand when I explain it like that.

 

If you feel the same, respond. If not, don't.

 

But, don't make decisions while bitter. I know I am a very changed man after the last couple months of pain. He might be as well, who knows.

 

.02C

 

I'll always love him. But, I can't risk being hurt again. I used to be ride or die, loyal to a fault. After our first break up, he started dating someone else immediately. Then 3 months later we were talking again. His mother became ill shortly after, I took a 12 hour bus ride with him ( at a moments notice, like 3 hours before the bus left) to be at his side when his mom was about to go in for a life threatening surgery. He was terrified. He cried his eyes out. I held him, stayed with he and his family for 4 days. Once his mother surgery was over, and she was stable. I went back up north ( another 12 hour bus ride) by myself while he stayed with his family.

 

Don't you know, he ghosted me shortly after that? He started seeing someone who showered him with money and gifts. He just left me hanging. I was looking forward to getting back on track with him and he had other ideas. He valued that woman's dough more than he valued the sacrifice I made for him.

 

It broke my heart, and my spirit. And after 3 months of avoiding me, he again sends me a text, asking how I'm doing. Back then I responded. Hoping still, to reconcile. He had no love for me. No, real love.

 

So, I've gotta let this one go. I'm hopeful that one day, a great man will walk into my life and be able to walk the walk with me. He's just not the one.

[Aly101]

I'll always love him. But, I can't risk being hurt again. I used to be ride or die, loyal to a fault. After our first break up, he started dating someone else immediately. Then 3 months later we were talking again. His mother became ill shortly after, I took a 12 hour bus ride with him ( at a moments notice, like 3 hours before the bus left) to be at his side when his mom was about to go in for a life threatening surgery. He was terrified. He cried his eyes out. I held him, stayed with he and his family for 4 days. Once his mother surgery was over, and she was stable. I went back up north ( another 12 hour bus ride) by myself while he stayed with his family.

 

Don't you know, he ghosted me shortly after that? He started seeing someone who showered him with money and gifts. He just left me hanging. I was looking forward to getting back on track with him and he had other ideas. He valued that woman's dough more than he valued the sacrifice I made for him.

 

It broke my heart, and my spirit. And after 3 months of avoiding me, he again sends me a text, asking how I'm doing. Back then I responded. Hoping still, to reconcile. He had no love for me. No, real love.

 

So, I've gotta let this one go. I'm hopeful that one day, a great man will walk into my life and be able to walk the walk with me. He's just not the one.

 

What if he dumps out emotions on to you? The "I love yous" and "I miss/want yous"? Will you think about going back if that's the case?

[AT15]

What if he dumps out emotions on to you? The "I love yous" and "I miss/want yous"? Will you think about going back if that's the case?

 

Just words...

[AT15]

What if he dumps out emotions on to you? The "I love yous" and "I miss/want yous"? Will you think about going back if that's the case?

 

I'm happy for you. If you sincerely and genuinely love your ex, things have a way of working themselves out. Treat him like he's important, like he matters to you.

 

I'm sure if you were a horrible girlfriend, he wouldn't engage with you.

 

You're on a good path.

[Jj66]

These breakup stories make me wonder if I am a sociopath. I have very little trouble moving on after I dump someone. When I'm done, I'm done. I don't miss my ex. I don't get the urge to reach out to them. Maybe it would be different if I were dumped but I've only ever been the dumper in 35 years of dating.

[MeadowFlower]

I think dumpers coming back isn't that uncommon, but the dumpe and the dumper wanting to come back at the same time...seems pretty rare. My friends and family have had all of their serious exes come back, but they rejected them except my parents. They split up too but come back and are very happy, my dad even said he fell out of love before he split. I'll ask him more about what he went though and post it.

That's some what interesting how your Dad fell out of love at some point.....

That is cool for you about your progress in your relationship

[Aly101]

These breakup stories make me wonder if I am a sociopath. I have very little trouble moving on after I dump someone. When I'm done, I'm done. I don't miss my ex. I don't get the urge to reach out to them. Maybe it would be different if I were dumped but I've only ever been the dumper in 35 years of dating.

 

That's just you. You could have an avoidant attachment style also. You might not be able to make the super close connections if so.

[Cookiesandough]

Which is why u never allow yourself to be friend-zoned.

 

 

Its all or nothing. Its my side of the fence or yours.

 

 

It does sound like you were quite selfish re-establishing contact with him. Sounds like it was all about you. I would say he got zero benefit out of re-connecting with you. You actually used him just a little more to finally get over him, not cool.

 

 

Sorry for the thread-jack, but whoa now. I liked the part where you said don't friend zone yourself, but then you edited. Haha. I admitted I reached out to him because I was lonely, but I don't think I used him at all. We were just on talking terms. Dumpee shouldn't derive anything more from that then what it is. And my agenda in that was not to get over him. Sorry if I was unclear, but J had no intention to get back with him. Most dumpers are over the dumpee until they get desperate down the line. That's why they feel a bit better after they dump. When nothing better has come along or the well is running a bit dry and the time and space has created a smokescreen from the problems that caused them to leave in the first place, they come back.

[Jj66]

That's just you. You could have an avoidant attachment style also. You might not be able to make the super close connections if so.

 

 

I've been super close to 7 people in my life. My current gf and 6 others. I hated ending things with those 6, I may have even cried before doing it but once it was done, I was done. No looking back. All of them eventually reached back out to me. I felt sad that they were hurting but I don't believe in do overs. We had plenty of chances to do things right during the relationship.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Jj66

[Bromeo]

There seems to be a range of emotions on here. Lets remember that when dealing with relationships and emotions, nothing is cut and dry.

 

Additionally, people post on here to detail their experiences and gather advice from the community. Therefore, patience, friends?

 

To wit, if someone dumped you, I see no need to play games, use psychology, or other "techniques" to increase attraction, anxiety, etc.

 

My ex emailed me? No matter what her intention, "...let me know if you want to sit down and talk". Very simple. She either will or won't, and we really can't break up any more than we are at the moment.

 

I really don't owe her anything else at this point. I'm not indifferent, I'd like to reconcile, we either will or won't. But at this point, games are over. I can't chase her any longer, that drove me into a hole.

 

If you (the dumper) reach out to the ex, be kind enough to explain why if the dumpee responds. Thats my only wish with these things. lol

[Aly101]

I've been super close to 7 people in my life. My current gf and 6 others. I hated ending things with those 6, I may have even cried before doing it but once it was done, I was done. No looking back. All of them eventually reached back out to me. I felt sad that they were hurting but I don't believe in do overs. We had plenty of chances to do things right during the relationship.

 

Then it's just now you function as a person. Some people never go back, some are open to the idea.

[Aly101]

There seems to be a range of emotions on here. Lets remember that when dealing with relationships and emotions, nothing is cut and dry.

 

Additionally, people post on here to detail their experiences and gather advice from the community. Therefore, patience, friends?

 

To wit, if someone dumped you, I see no need to play games, use psychology, or other "techniques" to increase attraction, anxiety, etc.

 

My ex emailed me? No matter what her intention, "...let me know if you want to sit down and talk". Very simple. She either will or won't, and we really can't break up any more than we are at the moment.

 

I really don't owe her anything else at this point. I'm not indifferent, I'd like to reconcile, we either will or won't. But at this point, games are over. I can't chase her any longer, that drove me into a hole.

 

If you (the dumper) reach out to the ex, be kind enough to explain why if the dumpee responds. Thats my only wish with these things. lol

 

That's pretty rare for dumpers to tell you why they are reaching out haha. I even sent breadcrumbs myself

[Bromeo]

Brother, its quite the pipe dream, I know.

 

A gorgeous doctor reached back out after ghosting me:

 

"Ive been thinking a lot, had a great time with you, I hope you are traveling less, would you like to hang out?"

 

Paradoxically, this would not be a breadcrumb. lol

 

My 37 year old booger-face bartender?

 

"Hope you are well, this song reminds me of you."

 

"Let me know if you want to talk."

 

Clearly she doesn't want to talk. lol

[jamili]

Brother, its quite the pipe dream, I know.

 

A gorgeous doctor reached back out after ghosting me:

 

"Ive been thinking a lot, had a great time with you, I hope you are traveling less, would you like to hang out?"

 

Paradoxically, this would not be a breadcrumb. lol

 

My 37 year old booger-face bartender?

 

"Hope you are well, this song reminds me of you."

 

"Let me know if you want to talk."

 

Clearly she doesn't want to talk. lol

 

I did not respond to mine. I can't do it. Every fiber of my being tells me it's a trap, a "test". If she wants to actually, for real talk... She can use actual words. But i dont think she wants to talk, she wants to prove something. I suspect she knows she ended it for a ridiculous reason based on a hunch that was completely false... and 3 months later feels the need to "test" because shes anxious and feeling nervous. She should be... i didnt do what she accused me of lol.

 

I think im just going to ignore until i get something better than that. I need to know she's serious.

[jamili]

Congrats! This is great progress! Here's hope to all the others out there that want to rekindle with their exe's someday![/quote

If they want to rekindle, they will still have to do all of the work, the NC stage for dunpees, all the mental work, etc. It's a process but it feels so damn good when you finally accomplish it. Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've had in a while. To dumpers, if you find yourself missing your ex out of LOVE, REACH OUT! I know you'll be thinking "Well they probably didn't change" or "it will just be the same" you won't know until you try. You could miss out on so much happiness, but of course there are risks.

 

Really happy to hear its working out so far!!!! This is such an uplifting thread

[marky00]

Sorry for the thread-jack, but whoa now. I liked the part where you said don't friend zone yourself, but then you edited. Haha. I admitted I reached out to him because I was lonely, but I don't think I used him at all. We were just on talking terms. Dumpee shouldn't derive anything more from that then what it is. And my agenda in that was not to get over him. Sorry if I was unclear, but J had no intention to get back with him. Most dumpers are over the dumpee until they get desperate down the line. That's why they feel a bit better after they dump. When nothing better has come along or the well is running a bit dry and the time and space has created a smokescreen from the problems that caused them to leave in the first place, they come back.

 

Hmmm, seems totally selfish to me sorry.

 

 

There is nothing in your dialogue that suggests anything was of benefit to him.

 

 

Unless you contacted him on Day 1 and told him you were seeking a friendship or w/e but you didn't do that. And had you told him that, he would have denied you the friendship I am sure.

 

You were wishy washy with him but deep down you knew your reasons for doing it, meanwhile he was clueless.

 

 

You dumped someone and rather than letting him heal in peace, you reached-out in a half-hearted way because you were LONELY.

 

 

I'm sorry but as a dumper, you couldn't have been anymore cruel. I rarely post like this in an angry tone but I have to call your behaviour out here. Sorry.

[Aly101]

I asked my father what his stages were, and his were smimilar to mine, but a little different

 

1) Happiness and relief. My mom was very clingy, it caused him to push away. He said he felt completely out of love after the break up.

2) Stress and isolation. He began stressing out a lot more, and isolated himself from friends more often. The happiness and relief went away after almost 6 months.

3) Thoughts of my mother came to his head, but he didn't think much of it.

4) After 7-8 months the loss of her really hit, he began thinking of what he did and even contacted her. (I don't know how, I'll have to ask)

5) Fale acceptamce. Same thing with me, he told himself to stop and move on but it caused more issues.

6) Breaking point. After almost a year he called her asking for forgiveness and for her love. I'll ask how my mom thought about all of this too.

 

 

This is just my fathers story. Once I find out more I will update. Hope this gives more info on what dumpers can/do go through

[AT15]

I asked my father what his stages were, and his were smimilar to mine, but a little different

 

1) Happiness and relief. My mom was very clingy, it caused him to push away. He said he felt completely out of love after the break up.

2) Stress and isolation. He began stressing out a lot more, and isolated himself from friends more often. The happiness and relief went away after almost 6 months.

3) Thoughts of my mother came to his head, but he didn't think much of it.

4) After 7-8 months the loss of her really hit, he began thinking of what he did and even contacted her. (I don't know how, I'll have to ask)

5) Fale acceptamce. Same thing with me, he told himself to stop and move on but it caused more issues.

6) Breaking point. After almost a year he called her asking for forgiveness and for her love. I'll ask how my mom thought about all of this too.

 

 

This is just my fathers story. Once I find out more I will update. Hope this gives more info on what dumpers can/do go through

 

I would love for my ex to show some kind of remorse. I still love him. But, my hope is on the ropes, so to speak.

 

How do you rebuild something with someone who hurt you so bad? If they even want to rebuild... What if he wants to relieve his guilt?

[jamili]

When nothing better has come along or the well is running a bit dry and the time and space has created a smokescreen from the problems that caused them to leave in the first place, they come back.

 

I would argue that time and space can cause the problems that caused them to leave in the first place to be remedied by both parties. People change, situations change, feelings change. ESPECIALLY after a traumatic breakup. To have such a narrow, close-minded philosophy is just going to cause you to miss out on a lot of potential opportunities for happiness.

[whatdeww18]

I asked my father what his stages were, and his were smimilar to mine, but a little different

 

1) Happiness and relief. My mom was very clingy, it caused him to push away. He said he felt completely out of love after the break up.

2) Stress and isolation. He began stressing out a lot more, and isolated himself from friends more often. The happiness and relief went away after almost 6 months.

3) Thoughts of my mother came to his head, but he didn't think much of it.

4) After 7-8 months the loss of her really hit, he began thinking of what he did and even contacted her. (I don't know how, I'll have to ask)

5) Fale acceptamce. Same thing with me, he told himself to stop and move on but it caused more issues.

6) Breaking point. After almost a year he called her asking for forgiveness and for her love. I'll ask how my mom thought about all of this too.

 

 

This is just my fathers story. Once I find out more I will update. Hope this gives more info on what dumpers can/do go through

 

Thank you for the insightful post and yet another perspective from another dumper, in this case a male haha. That's awesome that your parents reconciled in that time! I guess I just have a couple questions: did your parents not talk in this time frame? And would really be interested in the thought process of your mom during that time period.

 

You've been a delight to follow and, again, thank you for all your responses! Really do wish you a successful reconciliation!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Aly101]

I would love for my ex to show some kind of remorse. I still love him. But, my hope is on the ropes, so to speak.

 

How do you rebuild something with someone who hurt you so bad? If they even want to rebuild... What if he wants to relieve his guilt?

 

How long has it been since the split? If I remember correctly, you are getting some breadcrumbs which means he's possibly interested in some way...it might not be the good way. (Correct me if you aren't the one getting breadcrumbs, there's just so many people on this thread now haha)