My emotional stages after dumping someone

[marky00]

I don't think it's a fair comparison to someone who is dumped after they make the decision to do something they know would ruin the relationship.

 

That's exactly what a "forced dump" is.

 

 

One person dumps someone else, not because they wanted to, but because the other person was doing stuff to ruin/sabotage the relationship.

 

 

Oh, and I have the deepest respect for a victim of the "forced dump". It's not a nice position to find yourself in.

[Cookiesandough]

Actually, I don't. I can't speak on someone's "investment" that they don't reveal, only my own "investment", which in both cases, could have been more or less than the people I officially dumped.

[Sweetfish]

I still do not see how being a "force dumper" due to incompatibilities means you're necessarily more invested. Perhaps the person being "forced dumped" sees the pain of being broken up worse than the pain dealing with the incompatibility. I don't think it's a fair comparison to someone who is dumped after they make the decision to do something they know would ruin the relationship.

 

I feel like trying to reason with raw dumpees is an exercise in futility, but I have been there too. I know what it's like to want to justify someone's wrongdoings because you want. Yes it's human, yes people make mistakes, not all people, just some people who ask to get out, move out, divorce when there's a problem. Yes, it's a a mistake a lot like a guy who gets angry raises a fist and hits his wife is a "mistake". People do not change all that much, especially when they never have to learn the "mistake". You could have maybe made your ex not dump the next person they love, if that's in fact what they did, but if you ever take them back, NC is for nowt. However long your ""punishment" is simply gives them a new record to break. Yes, there are exceptions. No, you're probably not one of them.

 

I still have feelings for the first guy. They are a little less than when we fought about staying together. I still wanted to be single more than I wanted a college ldr at the time. I did regret my decision shortly after, it had nothing to do with him not contacting., I always assumed I was the dumper. I would have been pleasantly shocked if he reached out, but it's water under the bridge.

 

The only "interest" that my other ex rekindled was not in a relationship with him, but feeding some childish ego trip that compelled me to start crying I so frustrated a guy who once was all over me was ignoring me. That's all. I was not even slight attraction for him.

 

 

No matter what N.C. is the best method.

Women simply take longer to rationalize.

 

This is not manipulation this is just the nature of women.

[marky00]

"Oh, and I have the deepest respect for a victim of the "forced dump" (that is the person who dumps the other because they had to). It's not a nice position to find yourself in."

 

 

And just to clarify, the victim is the one who does the dumping in my example.

[marky00]

Actually, I don't. I can't speak on someone's "investment" that they don't reveal, only my own "investment", which in both cases, could have been more or less than the people I officially dumped.

 

Fair enough, but that does mean we may be comparing apples with oranges.

[jamili]

People do not change all that much, especially when they never have to learn the "mistake". .

 

Couldn't agree less with this. You call us "raw dumpees", but I don't think being highly jaded and pessimistic puts you in any more favorable of a perspective.

 

Human's change throughout their lives, we are shaped by stimuli - external, environmental factors. A large part of who are you is a product of your experiences. You could be incompatible with a person one day, but if you had met them years later, after each of you had gotten the chance to date several other people in between and learn about themselves/dating/relationships, you would have been a perfect match.

 

It's HIGHLY unrealistic and improbable to expect old issues to stay the same after a breakup, ESPECIALLY the dumpee's "issues". If he/she knows what he did to contribute to a breakup, I can promise you if they have any self awareness whatsoever, they will eventually learn and not repeat the same mistake again. If you are going to give up on someone you loved forever, because you are too ignorant or jaded to believe that people can change, than I truly feel sorry for you.

 

And that's not even talking about the breakups that occur at the drop of a hat due to emotional impulse, which happens way more than you think it does. "In the moment" thinking and decisions are way too common in our disposable society, and people make these kinds of mistakes every day.

 

The complaints you have about your exbf going NC on you and how it made you go crazy thinking about how a guy who once loved you was no ignoring you, is ironically the same thing that makes you attracted to any guy in the first place. It is literally no different. You cannot call what he did manipulation, and then claim some other guy you meet who you subconsciously like because of his high status isn't "manipulating" you. When you go NC you realize your value, you maintain your confidence, and you prove to yourself that you can live without being dependent on other person - this mindset is attractive to you whether its being shown during NC or shown during a guy at a coffee shop getting your number, it's the same thing. It just bothers you more, subconsciously, because you became accustomed to your exbf giving you love and affection all the time, and you took him for granted. Your reaction during NC only proved that you devalued him in the relationship, and his sudden confidence and independence threw you for a loop - for if you had valued and respected him during the relationship, his shift in attitude wouldn't have affected you at all.

[GeorgeWP93]

Let's be honest if someone breaks up with me I'm not sat thinking that they still love me and if I just reach out to them then all will be well, I'm sat thinking where did they come from or if they told me they loved me but can't be with me for so and so also I'm thinking how can she love me, especially if you don't reach out to me.

 

So what you're saying is you want to initiate a break up with someone you love... and then have them message you trying to get you back because you still love them?

[JQC1]

What about long distance break ups? I don't hear much too much about those. When younger women have big changes in their lives (graduating from college, moving to a new city, new job, etc) and want to see whats out there... do they go through the same thing as realizing much later down the road what they did? Or is it a different situation due to the distance and her knowing that she can't just meet up with ex whenever? I would assume reconciliation rates are much lower for these kind of break ups

[jamili]

My ex has been breadcrumbing me a lot the past few weeks via text and email, suddenly. But I've ignored it all. Why? Because i didnt get an "i miss you", or "how are you", or a "hi". Just really distant/detached random things that seem like an excuse to get me to respond.. likely to know she "still has me". I am not entertaining that. Its not worth breaking NC imo unless you get something more personal. Like the "i miss you" stuff... that I personally would respond to.

 

The way i see it is the fact that shes reaching out at all is evidence that she still cares on some level, or is still thinking about me to some extent. She wants to check to make sure im still around, like a puppy, ready to jump on whatever shred of contact she gives me. If i stay strong and ignore them, it make trigger within her the realization that im truly gone forever - that chances are reconciliation are totally gone - that she will never speak to me again for the rest of her life. This has got to make a person anxious, especially if they are trying to get a response out of you.

 

The only thing i worry about is her giving up, thinking she is blocked, completely. But.. i think its worth rolling the dice on, with the reward being her feeing deep, eternal loss of me. Because if we are meant to be together, she will up her game - mutual friends, making an alternate email account, my place of work, etc. Until she gives me an "i miss you", im gone forever, that's the plan here.