My emotional stages after dumping someone

[Sweetfish]

I don't know I buy into this. I've seen guys, including myself, on the verge of suicide over a breakup. Women also initiate most of the breakups I think because they are better prepared to deal with them.

 

Regardless of the side of the break they are on, it is socially acceptable for them to burst into tears at any given time. They also have a much better support structure and network of friends to make them feel better. Not to mention they are more sought after by the opposite sex and the pain of a breakup in her will deter few men.

 

Men on the other hand have friends who get sick of hearing about it and want to say "man up". A guys confidence is shot and women are repulsed by this. In his depression he becomes invisible to women (if he was the dumpee).

 

Women are often quick to move on as well by bringing one of their male orbiters. In closer. Best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Women know this.

 

 

 

That is exactly why men do commit suicide more often than women and often suffer from PTSD because men do not shut down like women do. Women are more often to be with another man within weeks or days of a breakup because they can shut down those feelings... men can do the same yes... but most often women and you always see people say why did my girlfriend breakup with me.... but is angry at me???

 

This is part of the shut down process. Men usually just stick their tail between their legs and say lies about how they are sorry please forgive me.

 

To support this look at stockholm syndrome. Its mostly effected by women... who when in danger fall in love with the person who had capture them. This is a way to protect them selves in danger..

 

 

To further prove this lol... notice how women who sell them selves for sex have no attachment or feelings what so ever..

 

It is women who have this feature to shutdown or more often to have black and white thinking as ironically most BPD suffers are women.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Sweetfish

[SevenCity]

That's also because the dumpee will feel two negatives feelings towards the dumper, not matter how much they loved each other before the break up. First, the dumper generally leaves because she prefers another person (and even if she denies it, the dumpee won't believe it, or will think someone could had appeared later). So that third person will always be in the dumpee's head. Second, the dumpee won't trust his ex as much as before. Now he knows of what she's capable, and therefore it seems more likely that it happens again than when they were together and nothing like that had happened.

 

In my case, as a recent dumpee, the first issue seems quite relevant. Our relationship was the first serious one for both of us (the first one of any kind for me), so after this incident, even if she came back, she'd have the stigma of having spent time with another guy. It may sound too traditional or whatever, but I think many dumpees would feel the same way. If she magically came back immediately, I wouldn't worry that much about it. But if she came in say 6 months, I couldn't avoid thinking about what she may have been doing with that guy. She wasn't virgin when I knew her, but (in theory) she only had sex once before, so she was "mostly" virgin to me. After this, it would feel differently.

 

They say when you are broken up it's none of your business who / what the other person is doing.

 

Perhaps, but I agree with you 100%. There is almost always another guy and I don't know if I could ever get that out of my head. Craig Kenneth had a good saying "A man doesn't throw away his only pair of shoes" in reference to women dumpers.

 

So now you have the thought of some other guy pounding your chick with her legs behind her ears while you were pining away for her crying your eyes out. It's a tough pill to swallow and I think women can process it better when they are the dumpee.

 

I can say the sex I've had since I've been dumped has been emotionless and not comparing to what I had with my ex. But I was forced into this - I had zero interest in other chicks.

[SerPundnes]

That is exactly why men do commit suicide more often than women and often suffer from PTSD because men do not shut down like women do. Women are more often to be with another man within weeks or days of a breakup because they can shut down those feelings... men can do the same yes... but most often women and you always see people say why did my girlfriend breakup with me.... but is angry at me???

 

This is part of the shut down process. Men usually just stick their tail between their legs and say lies about how they are sorry please forgive me.

 

To support this look at stockholm syndrome. Its mostly effected by women... who when in danger fall in love with the person who had capture them. This is a way to protect them selves in danger..

 

 

To further prove this lol... notice how women who sell them selves for sex have no attachment or feelings what so ever..

 

It is women who have this feature to shutdown or more often to have black and white thinking as ironically most BPD suffers are women.

 

But will this shutdown-period end? Or are women capable of shutting down their feelings towards the dumpee forever? Are they not strong enough mentally to keep up this shutdown forever?

[GeorgeWP93]

I don't know I buy into this. I've seen guys, including myself, on the verge of suicide over a breakup. Women also initiate most of the breakups I think because they are better prepared to deal with them.

 

Regardless of the side of the break they are on, it is socially acceptable for them to burst into tears at any given time. They also have a much better support structure and network of friends to make them feel better. Not to mention they are more sought after by the opposite sex and the pain of a breakup in her will deter few men.

 

Men on the other hand have friends who get sick of hearing about it and want to say "man up". A guys confidence is shot and women are repulsed by this. In his depression he becomes invisible to women (if he was the dumpee).

 

Women are often quick to move on as well by bringing one of their male orbiters. In closer. Best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Women know this.

 

So glad you bring up such an important point which is overlooked far too much, men can't be weak can you imagine telling any of your friends you cried over a relationship? No matter how long or short it was. As a man you're expected to bottle it up and deal with it, you've got to be as strong as a rock.

 

Day I broke up with my ex I knew it was coming and couldn't speak to a person. Night it happened I was in shock and couldn't stop speaking and repeating myself, the day after I had to leave work early just so I could go home and burst into tears and get it out of my system, I couldn't bottle up everything that had happened this month anymore, it was the tipping point.

 

I want to talk to my friends about it whenever I have a melt down and just vent but you can't because you know your friends are already bored of hearing about it and will only tell you to man up and it will be okay in the end. That's when I think men reach out to the person that hurt them because it's all they can do.

 

Men don't have there friends texting them all day long making sure they're okay, asking how they feel, women do, women will make a conscious effort to get the friend out of the house, ask them if they want to go to the cinema, go for food, go for drinks, come round for a chat. As a man the only effort my friends make are to go to the pub at the weekend, the pub where I will bump into my ex, cheers lads, or they offer to cringely try and hook you up with anything that moves.

 

And as you say for a man to meet another woman while not being at his best to ease the pain is impossible, girls can sense it a mile off, whereas women could be on a date with another good prospect man the same day. Women don't seem to let men be weak within the relationship, I've found. As soon as a man has a bout of stress and doubts himself or his confidence takes a hit the woman he is dating is turned off.

 

It's not easy being a man believe me and that's why the suicide rates are so high.

[whatdeww18]

But will this shutdown-period end? Or are women capable of shutting down their feelings towards the dumpee forever? Are they not strong enough mentally to keep up this shutdown forever?

 

The answer can only be a generalization. However, as you can dig through the numerous threads with the dumper leaving breadcrumbs, the dumper does seem to go through the break up at some point. For example, both the member that Sweetfish mentioned (read that original post probably 50 times myself) and the OP. The timing is various with the countless variables that you can put in the situation. So the actual hit of the break up does seem to be around 6 months in these cases, but that doesn't mean they will reach out then. The member that is mentioned actually took a total of 8 months to reach out for reconciliation. This situation is a little nuanced, like every case is. Yet, there do seem to be overarching patterns that have been mentioned previously.

[Link2]

They say when you are broken up it's none of your business who / what the other person is doing.

 

Perhaps, but I agree with you 100%. There is almost always another guy and I don't know if I could ever get that out of my head. Craig Kenneth had a good saying "A man doesn't throw away his only pair of shoes" in reference to women dumpers.

 

So now you have the thought of some other guy pounding your chick with her legs behind her ears while you were pining away for her crying your eyes out. It's a tough pill to swallow and I think women can process it better when they are the dumpee.

 

I can say the sex I've had since I've been dumped has been emotionless and not comparing to what I had with my ex. But I was forced into this - I had zero interest in other chicks.

 

Yeah, exactly. I remember the days when she left "to do some paperwork related with what she wanted to study". I knew she was with that guy. I couldn't sleep. I was alone in the bed in which we slept together, in which we were so happy just some weeks before, and they were just having fun like nothing, and maybe having sex. When she came back she told me he was very different (implying that much better than me) and that I should also try meeting other people...

 

I would even add a third reason why a dumpee may refuse to start again. If the dumper comes back, the dumpee won't be able to forget how much he suffered when the break up happened (stuff like what I said in the previous paragraph). So, someone with the same "value" as her ex (or a bit "worse") would be a better option for him, as he wouldn't have those horrible memories about her. Accepting the dumper back means having to remember those moments once in a while, while with another person he wouldn't remember them as often. Also, accepting her back implies showing weakness, which may be problematic in that second relationship with her. She could feel like she could get away with doing some nasty stuff again, or maybe wouldn't take his boyfriend as seriously as if they hadn't broke up.

 

For all these reasons I unfortunately think it's very unlikely I come back with her, even though I loved her so much and I planned to be with her forever and having kids. She just isn't the same for me. And she will feel more different to the person I knew as more times passes. She'd need to convince me after what has happened, and I should still be alone and to prefer to be with her instead of alone (and therefore ready to be with someone else).

Edited January 31, 2017 by Link2

[GeorgeWP93]

Yeah, exactly. I remember the days when she left "to do some paperwork related with what she wanted to study". I knew she was with that guy. I couldn't sleep. I was alone in the bed in which we slept together, in which we were so happy just some weeks before, and they were just having fun like nothing, and maybe having sex. When she came back she told me he was very different and that I should also try meeting other people...

 

I would even add a third reason why a dumpee may refuse to start again. If the dumper comes back, the dumpee won't be able to forget how much he suffered when the break up happened (stuff like what I said in the previous paragraph). So, someone with the same "value" as her ex (or a bit "worse") would be a better option for him, as he wouldn't have those horrible memories about her. Accepting the dumper back means having to remember those moments once in a while, while with another person he wouldn't remember them as often. Also, accepting her back implies showing weakness, which may be problematic in that second relationship with her. She could feel like she get away with doing some nasty stuff again, or maybe wouldn't take his boyfriend as seriously as if they hadn't broke up.

 

Your point about taking people back is 100 percent why unless you're over the person you shouldn't see them again, there's time where you want nothing more than to get that text saying 'I miss you, can we walk, I want to be with you again' whatever it is but I know full well I would be on tenderhooks the whole time waiting for her to break my heart all over again.

 

Also if a girl knows that she can drop you for a little while, explore other options, get bored, lonely, sweet talk you for a little while and you're all good again. She will have no respect for you whatsoever, her feelings may be genuine but it's only because she's realised what she was missing, women aren't logical thinkers.

 

Men do it as well, I have to tell some of my friends who are having doubts in relationships and think that if they're single they will be able to sleep with a different girl every night of the week, do what they want and meet new people... it's not like that, never is and the emotionless sex you have with women is boring and empty.

[Link2]

Your point about taking people back is 100 percent why unless you're over the person you shouldn't see them again, there's time where you want nothing more than to get that text saying 'I miss you, can we walk, I want to be with you again' whatever it is but I know full well I would be on tenderhooks the whole time waiting for her to break my heart all over again.

 

Also if a girl knows that she can drop you for a little while, explore other options, get bored, lonely, sweet talk you for a little while and you're all good again. She will have no respect for you whatsoever, her feelings may be genuine but it's only because she's realised what she was missing, women aren't logical thinkers.

 

Men do it as well, I have to tell some of my friends who are having doubts in relationships and think that if they're single they will be able to sleep with a different girl every night of the week, do what they want and meet new people... it's not like that, never is and the emotionless sex you have with women is boring and empty.

 

Exactly. It's the combination of those bad memories that you won't be able to forget while you are with her, the fear of something similar happening again (and leaving you alone being older, which would make finding someone else harder), and knowing that by accepting her back you are showing weakness, and therefore are less valuable to her than an unknown person with the same "value" as you.

 

It's really sad, but to me it seems so hard to reconcile permanently. I bet very often when the dumper misses the dumpee and they get together again, they break up later because they see each other differently (worse) than before and aren't as happy together as if they hadn't broken up. In some cases it may work, but because of the dumpee making sacrifices. With another person he wouldn't have to remember some ugly stuff, nor fear about it happening again, nor feeling in some way humiliated by accepting her back after what happened.

 

It seems to me like dumpers risk much more than what they think by breaking up. They are sacrificing something quite valuable just for the possibility of maybe being better alone or with someone else. I guess it's mainly emotional, because it doesn't make much sense if you think about it rationally. That's assuming it was a decent relationship, you obviously have to break up with someone who's evidently bad for you.

 

Aly, I hope all this doesn't apply to you, and your story ends well

Edited January 31, 2017 by Link2

[marky00]

Its simple really.

 

 

Dumpees radically change after breakups. Often dumpers do not.

 

 

So the key is, when a dumper returns, make sure they have changed or showing real effort to change.

 

 

If they haven't changed, just tell them to look you up when they have changed or it won't work.

 

 

I think this is a good way of flipping things the other way for the dumpee. All dumpess know they have changed and what holds the reconciliation back is the knowledge by both parties that the dumper has hardly changed.

[GeorgeWP93]

Exactly. It's the combination of those bad memories that you won't be able to forget while you are with her, the fear of something similar happening again (and leaving you alone being older, which would make finding someone else harder), and knowing that by accepting her back you are showing weakness, and therefore are less valuable to her than an unknown person with the same "value" as you.

 

It's really sad, but to me it seems so hard to reconcile permanently. I bet very often when the dumper misses the dumpee and they get together again, they break up later because they see each other differently (worse) than before and aren't as happy together as if they hadn't broken up. In some cases it may work, but because of the dumpee making sacrifices. With another person he wouldn't have to remember some ugly stuff, nor fear about it happening again, nor feeling in some way humiliated by accepting her back after what happened.

 

It seems to me like dumpers risk much more than what they think by breaking up. They are sacrificing something quite valuable just for the possibility of maybe being better alone or with someone else. I guess it's mainly emotional, because it doesn't make much sense if you think about it rationally. That's assuming it was a decent relationship, you obviously have to break up with someone who's evidently bad for you.

 

Aly, I hope all this doesn't apply to you, and your story ends well

 

I like to think I'm a logical thinker rather than an emotional impulse decision maker and you seem the same, had they had just thought that they're with someone who has already given them the spark and the initial excitement dies down and the person loves them and the stuff they do is fun and stuck through it then the good times would have returned, it's only when they're alone or the next person isn't a match that they realise.

 

It's a huge gamble but once a woman feels a couple days of 'it's not as fun' they irrationally build it up and up and up in their head until they've convinced themselves that they feel nothing for the person they're with and that the only way they will feel the butterfly's again is with someone new, after that initial flair dies down or they go out with a few people they realise are ars*holes they regret their decision.

 

My ex was in a relationship with a guy for 9 years before me so I guess what I was to her was nothing but she stuck with him when he chose coke filled benders over her health, her friend is living with a guy who doesn't like it when she ****s or farts, flirts and touches other girls in front of her, he's a nice guy but no women I've ever been out with would put up with any behaviour even remotely close to this.

 

Yet the relationship with me had all the open qualities, the communication, at least from me and definitely from her at the start, I've had at least a couple more relationships like this where I feel we are becoming more comfortable with each other, being secure and the constant butterfly's are gone because we are moving onto a deeper connection but I know it can work because we've got that far, they see it as the sparks not there, I'm not happy, goodbye, next one. And I'm left here thinking what more could I have done, gutted.

 

Cruel world.

[MeadowFlower]

 

 

Women don't seem to let men be weak within the relationship, I've found. As soon as a man has a bout of stress and doubts himself or his confidence takes a hit the woman he is dating is turned off.

Can I just say that not all women are like this.

[SevenCity]

Can I just say that not all women are like this.

 

But MOST are. I would not be turned off at all by a woman being weak or needy (within reason). But have a guy crying about how much he loves you after you've dumped him and it's a sure fire way to dry up your panties.

 

Most women are feminine and desire a masculine man. Once he exhibits feminine behavior it turns women off.

 

By the same token, masculine behavior from a woman is usually a turn off to a man.

[MeadowFlower]

But MOST are. I would not be turned off at all by a woman being weak or needy (within reason). But have a guy crying about how much he loves you after you've dumped him and it's a sure fire way to dry up your panties.

 

Most women are feminine and desire a masculine man. Once he exhibits feminine behavior it turns women off.

Maybe most women are like this. What I was referring to, as the poster was saying, was within the relationship, not after the guy was dumped.

Personally I don't mind, in fact may even prefer, a guy to be a bit emotional and real. I'm not into the whole overly macho manly type. But I'm not most women probably.

[Miss Spider]

Maybe most women are like this. What I was referring to, as the poster was saying, was within the relationship, not after the guy was dumped.

Personally I don't mind, in fact may even prefer, a guy to be a bit emotional and real. I'm not into the whole overly macho manly type. But I'm not most women probably.

 

Me too. There's nothing more sexy than a guy confident enough to show his weakness. Plus if they don't I can't trust them much. Maybe not after a breakup but if I broke with him I'm usually not attracted to him anymore, period. What he does after doesn't make much difference

[kztar]

Exactly. It's the combination of those bad memories that you won't be able to forget while you are with her, the fear of something similar happening again (and leaving you alone being older, which would make finding someone else harder), and knowing that by accepting her back you are showing weakness, and therefore are less valuable to her than an unknown person with the same "value" as you.

 

It's really sad, but to me it seems so hard to reconcile permanently. I bet very often when the dumper misses the dumpee and they get together again, they break up later because they see each other differently (worse) than before and aren't as happy together as if they hadn't broken up. In some cases it may work, but because of the dumpee making sacrifices. With another person he wouldn't have to remember some ugly stuff, nor fear about it happening again, nor feeling in some way humiliated by accepting her back after what happened.

 

It seems to me like dumpers risk much more than what they think by breaking up. They are sacrificing something quite valuable just for the possibility of maybe being better alone or with someone else. I guess it's mainly emotional, because it doesn't make much sense if you think about it rationally. That's assuming it was a decent relationship, you obviously have to break up with someone who's evidently bad for you.

 

Aly, I hope all this doesn't apply to you, and your story ends well

 

I definitely agree about the dumpers risking alot more than they think. About a year ago, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me in a way that left me completely devastated. I was crushed. I was so angry. He had given me a alex and ani bracelet that symbolized "my other half" and once the breakup happened, I ripped that bracelet with my own hands in pieces.

 

I was the dumpee ofcourse. Things had not been great, but they werent problems that were not fixable. I loved and still love this guy ALOT, however, after crying myself to sleep for months, being super sad, I began evaluating myself and the relationship. I began seeing things in a different light. I got even more crushed when I found out he was in a new relationship two months after. Instagram and whatsapp pictures and everything. Like someone else said here, I was out there having casual sex that didnt compare to my ex but I was forced to be in this situation, I did not have a choice in the breakup.

 

Well 6 months post b/u he returned with good intentions. He wanted it to be different than before. He told me how meaningless his R/S was. I believe and believed him because he is indeed a great person. I had the most amazing RS with this guy. I took him back with lots of resentment (I know bad from my end) but I was scared to loose him because I did and do still love him but I am NOT over all the pain.

 

Well this second chance did not succeed because love was not enough to make me forget that ONE year ago I was crying myself out while he was maybe in pain but nowhere NEAR as bad as I was. I crawled myself out of a very DARK tunnel. The day I ripped that bracelet that meant that much to me, I realized that I let go of a lot of that pure love that was there. As much as I tried, I couldn't let it go and I could not forget.

 

I love him and always will love him and honestly I hope we re-unite one day when if we could both let go of all the hurt we caused each other but for now, we simply can't do it. I really hope that dumpers REALLY evaluate before walking because the dumpee does a HUGE amount of growing while being kicked to the curve like that.

 

Im sad, but not devastated like last year.

 

Aly I hope your story ends well too.

[Imajerk17]

I definitely agree about the dumpers risking alot more than they think. About a year ago, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me in a way that left me completely devastated. I was crushed. I was so angry. He had given me a alex and ani bracelet that symbolized "my other half" and once the breakup happened, I ripped that bracelet with my own hands in pieces.

 

I was the dumpee ofcourse. Things had not been great, but they werent problems that were not fixable. I loved and still love this guy ALOT, however, after crying myself to sleep for months, being super sad, I began evaluating myself and the relationship. I began seeing things in a different light. I got even more crushed when I found out he was in a new relationship two months after. Instagram and whatsapp pictures and everything. Like someone else said here, I was out there having casual sex that didnt compare to my ex but I was forced to be in this situation, I did not have a choice in the breakup.

 

Well 6 months post b/u he returned with good intentions. He wanted it to be different than before. He told me how meaningless his R/S was. I believe and believed him because he is indeed a great person. I had the most amazing RS with this guy. I took him back with lots of resentment (I know bad from my end) but I was scared to loose him because I did and do still love him but I am NOT over all the pain.

 

Well this second chance did not succeed because love was not enough to make me forget that ONE year ago I was crying myself out while he was maybe in pain but nowhere NEAR as bad as I was. I crawled myself out of a very DARK tunnel. The day I ripped that bracelet that meant that much to me, I realized that I let go of a lot of that pure love that was there. As much as I tried, I couldn't let it go and I could not forget.

 

I love him and always will love him and honestly I hope we re-unite one day when if we could both let go of all the hurt we caused each other but for now, we simply can't do it. I really hope that dumpers REALLY evaluate before walking because the dumpee does a HUGE amount of growing while being kicked to the curve like that.

 

Im sad, but not devastated like last year.

 

Aly I hope your story ends well too.

 

I have been sort of following your other threads kztar, and part of the reason you are struggling w this breakup is because of the story you are telling yourself. The bolded illustrates this perfectly.

 

You kind of just implied that your last relationship was something out of a great romance novel or something w the bolded. Thing is though, you didn't break up because despite how hard you both worked your differences were too much to overcome your great love, you broke up because he was treating you like the bubblegum stuck to your shoe for so long and you just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I mean, for example, you went to his sister's wedding and he gets this other girl's number and he starts flirting w her because "he needs her to find a job"? Aren't you embarrassed? I mean, hopefully your next boyfriend will respect you just enough NOT to pick up other women in your (AND his family's) presence. Geeze Louise!

 

Newsflash: Guys who really care about their girlfriend don't go "making friends" w the opposite sex like that.

 

The sooner you look at how awful your last relationship really was and why did you let this guy walk all over you the sooner you will heal.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Sweetfish]

Its simple really.

 

 

Dumpees radically change after breakups. Often dumpers do not.

 

 

So the key is, when a dumper returns, make sure they have changed or showing real effort to change.

 

 

If they haven't changed, just tell them to look you up when they have changed or it won't work.

 

 

I think this is a good way of flipping things the other way for the dumpee. All dumpess know they have changed and what holds the reconciliation back is the knowledge by both parties that the dumper has hardly changed.

 

 

The dumper has to GROW... thats why you do not respond to breadcrumb. If you do she will not go thru the proper stages of a breakup. She will not value you because she will never feel the true loss.

 

In regards to having sex with other men... get over it.

 

Having sex with other men is CRITICAL.

 

It is the key to a long healthy relationship. You cannot be the only penis she had or the only guy you ever kissed. Not these days. Let her go out and let her see how great the guys out there are lol. My first girlfriend has already had a divorce and she is a single mother of two.

 

 

You have to get over the sex thing. Most likely you were not the first guy anyway.

[Sweetfish]

Can I just say that not all women are like this.

 

Let me know when you find a thread where a guy begged for his wife or girlfriend back and lived happy ever after... All women are like that..

[Miss Spider]

With posts like this I can't help but think if you do reconcile you will end up dumping him again.

 

It seems that if you see him being hurt by the breakup you are turned off. When he doesn't show emotions you are turned on. That does not sound like the healthy start of a relationship.

 

What happens if you two get back together and he tells you how deeply you hurt him? Is the switch going to flip back to "ewww" and you chuck him?

 

I think many dumpers go what you go through only because they have not found someone else to replace them. It's amazing how the ego plays a roll in breakups. The dumpee's ego is so bruised they cannot think of life without you. When the dumper realizes the dumpee no longer cares all of a sudden they become attractive again.

 

I agree with a lot of posters here that a good RL takes hard work. Emotions are typically the reason why women leave (which women initiate the breakup the majority of the time) whereas guys use logic "She satisifies this requirement, that requirement, and that one so I should stay with her".

 

I thank you for sharing your story but I think a lot of people are getting false hope from it because they want their exes back so much. Though I question the sincerity of your motives since you are so quick to point out him showing signs of being hurt / wanting you would be a turn off.

 

For me, if a girl is showing no signs she was affected by our split I would assume she didn't care at all. If she was hurt by it then it would say to me she does care and may be worth another shot (assuming any issues are resolved).

 

NC is either a way to move on or a manipulation tactic playing off ego

 

 

 

If someone finds your ability to ignore them more appealing than actually being with you, talking to you, kissing you, sleeping with you, etc., as soon as you come reconcile you'll quickly lose your appeal,. The chase will be over. They'll most likely dump you again.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GeorgeWP93]

Can I just say that not all women are like this.

 

I'm sure there are nice ones out there, probably the one that have been in a relationship since 16.

 

I've never met one mind, at least one that's dateable and not clingy and needy to the point it's undateable.

 

I'm a social guy but I have to be in the mood, I'm confident, chatty and out going but it takes actual energy to be like that this attracts women, some women it goes really well with, some women so well they introduce me to their family, include me in their future plans and tell me how they've never felt this way and can't believe the way I make them feel. I have lulls, I can't always be 100% and neither can relationships, I don't expect my partners to.

 

George has a bad week, George is stressed and feels a little sad, George conveys this to his girlfriend and isn't as chatty or outgoing in his RUT and I emphasise rut, George's girlfriend from what I can make out get turned off by this, George's girlfriend tests his weakness and pushes him, George is shocked and doesn't know what to do as he thought he had a rock with him, maybe she doesn't even test George but within the month George is single.

 

It's so predictable and I've been with girls from 19 up to 27, I've been with only childs, I've been with girls with the parents together and a secure upbringing I've been with girls who's parents aren't together, I've been with girls who have had bad relationships and good, all end the same. All the girls have lied when they've not needed and all the girls have given me false hope.

 

I know they're not all the same but my experiences don't give me much hope.

[Sweetfish]

NC is either a way to move on or a manipulation tactic playing off ego

 

 

 

If someone finds your ability to ignore them more appealing than actually being with you, talking to you, kissing you, sleeping with you, etc., as soon as you come reconcile you'll quickly lose your appeal,. The chase will be over. They'll most likely dump you again.

 

 

Negative. This is your view and prespective that encompass what you know and thus you call it manipulation. If you wear a suit to a job interview is it manipulation... i mean you learned it from somewhere... its not like you knew you had to wear a suit? If you put on make-up and lips stick before a date is this not manipulation. Men are attracted to red or darker lips and smooth skin. Is this not manipulation?

 

You may not believe so, but this is called learning. You learn something new in every relationship and sometimes the interaction a male has had with a female doesn't work because he was conditioned by a woman and not a male.

 

Prime example: a mother may teach her son when he goes on a date to bring roses, open the door for her and be a gentleman. Take her out to dinner ETC. This is around limit of what most womens knowledge regarding attraction is... This is societies version of getting the girl. This is what countless men learn.

 

The son goes on a date with you and brings roses and takes you to dinner. He is a gentlemen. He fails to aquire attraction. He will attempt this multiple times and he will fail.

 

Its not until he comes here or goes to another MALE how to create this attraction. This is not manipulation... this is learning how to nail the interview.

 

 

The interaction between mother and father is where your originally suppose to learn how to mate and interact with the other sex... but society has become soo unbalanced.

 

As a women you don't see this unbalanced or understand it. You have been conditioned that man and woman are equal. That we share the same equal issues.

 

If your a male, most good men have been conditioned countlessly by their complete surroundings that being a gentleman and nice guy gets you the girl. This is the biggest lie given to man and its personally to me the biggest lie out there.

 

The next biggest lie is that men are equal to women and vice versa.

 

BIOLOGY ALWAYS WINS

 

Biology always creeps its ugly head out of these lies and exposes the truth... but because people are uneducated or dont give a rats *** about biology and it takes being dumped or having 5 failed relationships or 3 divorces to start realizing it.

 

When you go N.C. that is your schooling to learn.

 

IF she does come back... you let her or him WORK FOR IT.

 

 

N.C. for men is learning to be unconditioned from this conditioned society. Putting value back in their self esteem. Working on their health, wealth, and future. This will boost your ego and the dumper will become devalued

 

I don't know what N.C. for women means... but it rarely mirrors the O.P. and I respect that... keep us posted

Edited January 31, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Link2]

If your a male, most good men have been conditioned countlessly by their complete surroundings that being a gentleman and nice guy gets you the girl. This is the biggest lie given to man and its personally to me the biggest lie out there.

 

That worked in more traditional societies, where marriage was taken seriously (and promiscuity was seen very negatively), and the girl wouldn't just dump her boyfriend like nothing because she suddenly got the Grass is Greener Syndrome or any other bull**** (the same could happen to men, but women are far more often the dumper).

 

Once relationships are taken like a joke, beta males (the majority of us) become less valuable (specially in societies where women get benefits for being a single mother and stuff like that, "Alpha ****s, beta sucks, State bucks").

[Miss Spider]

I see what you're saying, but I still believe NC as a strategy to get someone back is unhealthy/not long term viable. A better analogy than wearing a suit would be lying on your resume. NC is completely blocking someone out until it bothers their ego. You're under qualified for the job(person),but you're using a manipulation tactic (ignoring/rejecting)to pique their interest. Pick up artists try to work something similar on emotionally immature people, but they usually don't mean to sustain it. No healthy relationship comes of that. If they were into you, they wouldn't have dumped.. Now, they are interested by this idea of you. It is a fraud, not learning. Make them work for it, but meanwhile you are working to sustain this push-pull power play when you could be working on finding someone who wants you as you are or improving yourself. Ignoring/rejecting/being a jerk to someone is not improving yourself. It's not that a man opens doors for a woman that turns her off. Do you think if [insert attractive male celebrity] opened doors for his date it's a turn off? that is because she's attracted to him be it because of his looks, sense of humor, values, status, etc. Not because he temporarily increases his value by playing a game or copying desirable man with options.. Often very desirable men unintentionally do this, but it's because they're actually busy/have many options. Once you drop the game and get emotionally comfortable, you're fired again.

NC is to get someone back is play on the "biology" of a human to want what they can't have. The breadcrumbs are usually thrown out because it satiates the ego hunger without ever having to get back with the person.

[GeorgeWP93]

Cookies I would agree with you and I wish that was the way the world worked but you go no contact to heal yourself and not give yourself false hope, your ex feels sad because they're lonely, they text you and you reply, instantly they get that fix and will disappear again.

 

You're right ignoring them messes with there ego but if you reply you fuel there ego, they know that as soon as they text you you will reply and they get the satisfaction they need, if you make them work for it then they will try and mean it to be persistent, if they give up, you don't need them, if you don't want them then it's their loss to have broken it up originally. it's cruel it's game playing but people are only in it for themselves.

[jamili]

NC is to get someone back is play on the "biology" of a human to want what they can't have. The breadcrumbs are usually thrown out because it satiates the ego hunger without ever having to get back with the person.

 

If you cut off that stream of ego food, and ignore the breadcrumbs, they will crave it more and more, and the desire for ego validation can develop into something more. Is it sustainable on its own? No. But it gives you another chance. Chances are while you were in NC you grew and changed as a person, and are now a much better partner. After getting dumped, a dumpee grows and improves MONUMENTALLY. They change. The dumper might actually discover that the new, improved you is what they wanted all along, and the relationship floruishes! But you would have NEVER gotten their interest back if you didnt "manipulate" them by ignoring them. NC gives you one more shot to improve and do it right. The relationship will be stronger if anything, if you actually use the time to improve.

 

Also, you are wrong when you say dumpers dump because they are no longer attracted to the person. That's simply not true in all cases. Sometimes its a "heat of the moment" emotional reaction, an impulse, or a mistake/misunderstanding.