My emotional stages after dumping someone

[AT15]

If you cut off that stream of ego food, and ignore the breadcrumbs, they will crave it more and more, and the desire for ego validation can develop into something more. Is it sustainable on its own? No. But it gives you another chance. Chances are while you were in NC you grew and changed as a person, and are now a much better partner. After getting dumped, a dumpee grows and improves MONUMENTALLY. They change. The dumper might actually discover that the new, improved you is what they wanted all along, and the relationship floruishes! But you would have NEVER gotten their interest back if you didnt "manipulate" them by ignoring them. NC gives you one more shot to improve and do it right. The relationship will be stronger if anything, if you actually use the time to improve.

 

Also, you are wrong when you say dumpers dump because they are no longer attracted to the person. That's simply not true in all cases. Sometimes its a "heat of the moment" emotional reaction, an impulse, or a mistake/misunderstanding.

Should I have ignored the breadcrumb last week? It was a " thinking of you and I got a new job" text. I just responded with, "sounds awesome, best wishes". We hadn't spoken in two months. Maybe, I shouldn't have responded. I'm not holding on for hope of reconciliation. I miss our old relationship. Before all the bs. Back in 2014. But really, that was our only good time.

 

I keep telling myself in 6 months, if I commit to the work, I'll be healed and not think of him, or long for him anymore. I look forward to that day, when I have ZERO feelings for him.

[Sweetfish]

That worked in more traditional societies, where marriage was taken seriously (and promiscuity was seen very negatively), and the girl wouldn't just dump her boyfriend like nothing because she suddenly got the Grass is Greener Syndrome or any other bull**** (the same could happen to men, but women are far more often the dumper).

 

Once relationships are taken like a joke, beta males (the majority of us) become less valuable (specially in societies where women get benefits for being a single mother and stuff like that, "Alpha ****s, beta sucks, State bucks").

 

NOW... that society and the world is streamlined women want to be equal to men. But once the world is not streamline thats when they back peddle and realize we are not equals.

 

Once wood has to be chopped for fire. Once snow has to be plowed. Once a remote or Tv has to be programmed or a bridge needs to be built or war breaks out. Once a natural disaster occurs thats when biology proves conditioning wrong.

 

This is when women realize they are not equals and no longer are men as disposible.

 

But in the same retrospect men have to respect a women role and make sure she has "equal rights"

 

So women are NOT teaching women to not take these men for granted and I know many women friends who have taken men for granted and now stuck with what they thought was awesome. What women are conditioned by other women is to follow their feelings.

 

Well... there are a lot of men who know how to manipulate a womens feelings married engaged or not. They know how to play on those strings. Just for the V

 

So once you break your loyality for a feeling and comeback because you valued your feelings over loyality... What you think is going thru the dumpees mind when you come back.

 

The only other point of time that a woman may realize she is not equal to men is when she is 38+ single and she is now the hunter and not the prey and cant find a good quality man. That she goes to her OLD and only have msgs from guys who are losers are just want sex.

[Cookiesandough]

i don't think I ever claimed all dumpers dump because they aren't attracted? They just didn't want to be with that person, anymore, at that time, for whatever reason. Also, if someone is unstable enough to dump on impulse, assuming they won't do it again whenever the wind changes, I don't think NC would matter one bit in getting a foot back in the door to a great relationship. I would think that after the things calm down the dumper would realize fairly quickly they messed up a great thing because of an impulse and apologize and ask for dumpee back, no breadcrumbs. In fact, the only thing I can think of stopping a dumper from doing that would be their pride. They're still in love with you, so talking to them would be conducive to fixing things.

[Link2]

The only other point of time that a woman may realize she is not equal to men is when she is 38+ single and she is now the hunter and not the prey and cant find a good quality man. That she goes to her OLD and only have msgs from guys who are losers are just want sex.

 

And when she's 38 and tries to come back, the nice guy will tell her: "Too late, Miss Carousel".

[MeadowFlower]

Let me know when you find a thread where a guy begged for his wife or girlfriend back and lived happy ever after... All women are like that..

I was referencing while in a relationship, not after the breakup, as the poster was mentioning:

Originally Posted by GeorgeWP93 View Post

 

 

Women don't seem to let men be weak within the relationship, I've found. As soon as a man has a bout of stress and doubts himself or his confidence takes a hit the woman he is dating is turned off.

 

 

And no. Not all women are like that.

[jamili]

i don't think I ever claimed all dumpers dump because they aren't attracted? They just didn't want to be with that person, anymore, at that time, for whatever reason. Also, if someone is unstable enough to dump on impulse, assuming they won't do it again whenever the wind changes, I don't think NC would matter one bit in getting a foot back in the door to a great relationship. I would think that after the things calm down the dumper would realize fairly quickly they messed up a great thing because of an impulse and apologize and ask for dumpee back, no breadcrumbs. In fact, the only thing I can think of stopping a dumper from doing that would be their pride. They're still in love with you, so talking to them would be conducive to fixing things.

 

Pride, yes. And power. You can acknowledge or not, but there is power in every relationship and brrakup, and it goes hand in hand with attraction.

 

Ignoring breadcrumbs and reach outs is a way to weed out if they love you or not and want you back for "good reasons" too. They wont give up if you are worth it to them. So NC is good all around to get someome back. If the dumper loves you and truly wants back, talking to them can snuff out that because your lack of self respect and beta behavior could turn them off regardless. Just read this thread again for even more confirmation.. hell, the dumper even admitted it herself lol.

 

Like it or not, NC is the best way, for whatever your goals are.

 

And sadly, yes, lots of people dump on impulse, it happens all the time. It doesmt mean the person is "unstable", people make mistakes all the time.

[Sweetfish]

I see what you're saying, but I still believe NC as a strategy to get someone back is unhealthy/not long term viable. A better analogy than wearing a suit would be lying on your resume. NC is completely blocking someone out until it bothers their ego. You're under qualified for the job(person),but you're using a manipulation tactic (ignoring/rejecting)to pique their interest. Pick up artists try to work something similar on emotionally immature people, but they usually don't mean to sustain it. No healthy relationship comes of that. If they were into you, they wouldn't have dumped.. Now, they are interested by this idea of you. It is a fraud, not learning. Make them work for it, but meanwhile you are working to sustain this push-pull power play when you could be working on finding someone who wants you as you are or improving yourself. Ignoring/rejecting/being a jerk to someone is not improving yourself. It's not that a man opens doors for a woman that turns her off. Do you think if [insert attractive male celebrity] opened doors for his date it's a turn off? that is because she's attracted to him be it because of his looks, sense of humor, values, status, etc. Not because he temporarily increases his value by playing a game or copying desirable man with options.. Often very desirable men unintentionally do this, but it's because they're actually busy/have many options. Once you drop the game and get emotionally comfortable, you're fired again.

NC is to get someone back is play on the "biology" of a human to want what they can't have. The breadcrumbs are usually thrown out because it satiates the ego hunger without ever having to get back with the person.

 

Look. Im going to help you out here.

 

 

The situation we are talking about is a completely healthy relationship of say 2 or 3 years. Most often it is often women who will end the relationship. There is a reason for this... Many studies, brain scans, MRIs, blood samples prove this.

 

Women at the 2 or 3 year mark in a relationship... (a pair bond) her chemistry changes. Her body is ready to create a child so she will become MORE sexually aggressive and more active socially. Her body is naturally everyday pumping testostrone in her body.

 

Men at the 2 or 3 year make start losing testostrone and his body chemistry changes. (This is why men will cry when the breakup happens) because they will have more estrogen.

 

This is why men start begging and crying... their body chemistry has changed. Other than that most men will not cry and any other point unless their is a death.

 

If the man and women do not have a baby... Biologically she will find other men attractive and lose attraction for her current mate. At this rate things that women are attractive to like confidence, taking charge, and being assertive... these are starting to tank in the boyfriend because his chemistry.

 

All this stuff most people DO NOT UNDERSTAND... just like they dont understand why they are hungry or sleepy. I guess they feel they have control over every valve in the body... but its understandable... no one teaches you this and no one talks about its..

 

At this point the women is not feeling the same feeling she did when she meet him and ends the relationship. Because the "spark is gone" the relationship ends.

 

Ok so why N.C.?

 

One the man testostrone is at its lowest and the female at her highest.

 

Hmmmmm. What does the studies say?

It takes 4-6 months for your body chemistry to go back to normal. Interesting..

 

The average relationship last 2-3 years

And recons usually happen at the 6 month mark...?

 

Hmmm?

Hmmmm?

 

The science matches reality?

I digress every one is biology is different so its ball park.

 

So why go N.C. both of you have to grow from the breakup.

 

Plus.. once a women pushes a breakup she is under so much stress she shuts-down feelings towards that person for her own protection and talking, begging, crying or trying to fix the relationship at that point of time make recons impossible or worse. This is just female nature. When a women shuts down leave her alone... let her rationalize the situation when she is ready.

 

And why it takes 6 months... because she tried to shut-down the feeling of what 2-3 years and she simply transferred it to another man or group of people and eventually those old feeling from WILL come back and she will have to revisit the breakup eventually.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Cookiesandough]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I only say it because I have been dumper before and the difference in the men I dumped and still had feelings for vs ones I did not is so distinct. The one I had feelings for only had to ask for me back, and I would have taken them back. The one I did not it, I gave breadcrumbs. I only wanted him back because he ignored me and said I had no chance. I did have some respect for his stubbornness, but that's not enough. When we became "friends" , the small interest I had in getting them back was gone and I knew why.

 

 

I wonder how someone could emotionally invest in someone who waffles on major life decisions, but it's their funeral. I know many of happy couples, including my parents, and I can't think of one who has broken up with the other on impulse when they were in an established, commited relationship.

[Sweetfish]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I only say it because I have been dumper before and the difference in the men I dumped and still had feelings for vs ones I did not is so distinct. The one I had feelings for only had to ask for me back, and I would have taken them back. The one I did not it, I gave breadcrumbs. I only wanted him back because he ignored me and said I had no chance. I did have some respect for his stubbornness, but that's not enough. When we became "friends" , the small interest I had in getting them back was gone and I knew why.

 

 

I wonder how someone could emotionally invest in someone who waffles on major life decisions, but it's their funeral. I know many of happy couples, including my parents, and I can't think of one who has broken up with the other on impulse when they were in an established, commited relationship.

 

You walked into your own trap.

 

On your end you knew who you wanted to be with and who you didn't want to be with.

 

So aren't you call the kettle black?

 

Yes how does guy A or guy B knows if your not just playing him? What distinct thing you do to let A or B guy know you want him back if he doesnt know your hand?

 

Who is playing who?

 

Also you didn't explain why you ended the recon with the said guy... you said you knew why? So why did you? Also, the other guy i assune he didnt ask you.

 

Please explain that one...

[marky00]

The dumper has to GROW... thats why you do not respond to breadcrumb. If you do she will not go thru the proper stages of a breakup. She will not value you because she will never feel the true loss.

 

In regards to having sex with other men... get over it.

 

Having sex with other men is CRITICAL.

 

It is the key to a long healthy relationship. You cannot be the only penis she had or the only guy you ever kissed. Not these days. Let her go out and let her see how great the guys out there are lol. My first girlfriend has already had a divorce and she is a single mother of two.

 

 

You have to get over the sex thing. Most likely you were not the first guy anyway.

 

Think you confused me with someone else. I said nothing about SEX lol.

[marky00]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I only say it because I have been dumper before and the difference in the men I dumped and still had feelings for vs ones I did not is so distinct. The one I had feelings for only had to ask for me back, and I would have taken them back. The one I did not it, I gave breadcrumbs. I only wanted him back because he ignored me and said I had no chance. I did have some respect for his stubbornness, but that's not enough. When we became "friends" , the small interest I had in getting them back was gone and I knew why.

 

 

I wonder how someone could emotionally invest in someone who waffles on major life decisions, but it's their funeral. I know many of happy couples, including my parents, and I can't think of one who has broken up with the other on impulse when they were in an established, commited relationship.

 

 

Seems like a contradiction there, since you apparently broke up with someone you had feelings for.

 

 

Also, if you were a victim of the so-called "forced dump", in reality you were the dumpee. The fact you officially dumped is irrelevant.

 

 

Being a victim of the so-called "forced dump" is the only valid reason why you would break up with someone you still had feelings for.

[Cookiesandough]

I broke up with guy A because I was worried about practical things in the relationship. He didn't acknowledge them as problems. I never spoke to him again. Not so much as a "hey". I blocked and deleted him after dump and respected him enough not to feed crumbs. He has moved on and I respect that.

 

Guy B I was with a long time and I didn't have feelings for him anymore. He was manipulative and mentally abusive throughout. I know he was NCing deliberately and it's not out of character. I didn't know what it was called though. He ignored me for months, I begged /cried. In retrospect I just wanted to know I could get him back. It's horrible and immature, but true. We only got as far as occasional texting, he still largely ignores me and is pretty mean so I've lost interest in even talking.

[Cookiesandough]

Seems like a contradiction there, since you apparently broke up with someone you had feelings for.

 

 

Also, if you were a victim of the so-called "forced dump", in reality you were the dumpee. The fact you officially dumped is irrelevant.

 

 

Being a victim of the so-called "forced dump" is the only valid reason why you would break up with someone you still had feelings for.

 

 

 

You can break up with people you have feelings for. You can love them but know they aren't right for you. It doesn't happen often and it's not easy, but you have the foresight to know more pain would inevitably come later for both

[marky00]

You can break up with people you have feelings for. You can love them but know they aren't right for you. It doesn't happen often and it's not easy, but you have the foresight to know more pain would inevitably come later for both

 

Like I said.

 

 

It was a "forced dump". However, whoever is the more emotionally invested is the REAL dumpee.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't understand what makes you think I was the one less emotionally invested, but okay...

[marky00]

I don't understand what makes you think I was the one less emotionally invested, but okay...

 

 

Read between the lines again. It implies you were the most likely the more invested, which is my whole point here.

 

 

Focus on this point: IT DOESN"T MATTER WHO DUMPS, ITS WHO CARED THE MOST. THAT PERSON IS THE REAL DUMPEE (regardless of who dumped).

Edited February 1, 2017 by marky00

[Cookiesandough]

I don't see anything between the lines. We both never contacted each other again so for all he knows, im less invested. You seem to be inferring things that I can't, why I asked. It was years ago, a few months in and would turn into an LDR. He begged me to stay together but I couldn't so I blocked/deleted. I've never heard of a forced dump. I was wondering if you could tell me something I didn't know.

 

* a person who respects you and wants a healthy relationship with you never think to jerk you around.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Sweetfish]

I broke up with guy A because I was worried about practical things in the relationship. He didn't acknowledge them as problems. I never spoke to him again. Not so much as a "hey". I blocked and deleted him after dump and respected him enough not to feed crumbs. He has moved on and I respect that.

 

Guy B I was with a long time and I didn't have feelings for him anymore. He was manipulative and mentally abusive throughout. I know he was NCing deliberately and it's not out of character. I didn't know what it was called though. He ignored me for months, I begged /cried. In retrospect I just wanted to know I could get him back. It's horrible and immature, but true. We only got as far as occasional texting, he still largely ignores me and is pretty mean so I've lost interest in even talking.

 

 

Guy A is a prime example of what we are talking about in this thread. However, it was you who broke up with him and he moved on.. its your responsibility to go back to the dumpee if you did love him. You blocked him and deleted him... yet you broke up with him. If he continued to chase you... you would not respect him.

 

Guy B was NOT a healthybrelationship and you systematically dump him for a REAL reason not impluse and N.C. does not work here.

[jamili]

You can break up with people you have feelings for. You can love them but know they aren't right for you. It doesn't happen often and it's not easy, but you have the foresight to know more pain would inevitably come later for both

 

You can break up people who you love, have feelings for, and even though there are no problems in the relationship. It can be based off of a mistake, immaturity by the dumper, confusion, impulse emotion, etc. Just because you personally didnt do it, doesnt mean it doesn't happen all the time.

 

Also, i know 3 married couples who broke up for ~6 months and then got back togetber, back when they were dating. They are very happily married now. Just because you dont know any doesnt mean it doesnt work. That's a jaded, pessimistic outlook and imo unhealthy. The world isnt black and white. People grow and change CONSTANTLY. Its so closed minded to think "ex is an ex for a reason ", unless there is some kind of abuse or cheating in which case i can understand.

 

Also, you even admitted NC worked on you, to regain your interest. Had he not been an emotionally abusive/mean person in general like you said, maybe it would have caused you to realized what you truly lost and you two would have gotten back together. I dont believe you would have tried to come back to him had he not ignored you completely, you would have walked away from him with all the power and stayed less attracted to him, like guy #1 in your first story.

[marky00]

I don't see anything between the lines. You seem to be inferring things that I can't, why I asked. It was a couple months and would turn into an LDR and he begged me to stay together in it but I couldn't so I blocked/deleted. I've never heard of a forced dump. I was wondering if you could tell me something I didn't know.

 

OK

 

 

A lot of people on this site have been the victim of what we call the "forced dump".

 

 

As an example, one partner starts "gas lighting" etc. meaning they start doing stuff to deliberately create tension. They often do this because they aren't "feeling it" like they did before etc. Usually an argument ensures and they leave as they have a perfect excuse.

 

 

But there are many other examples of a "forced dump" such as being the victim of cheating or abuse.

 

 

In such examples, the person on the other end of the gas lighting, cheating, abuse dumps the person because they were FORCED to (not because they wanted to)

 

 

A "forced dump" basically means you dumped to protect yourself from further potential pain, despite the fact you wanted the relationship to continue.

 

 

The examples I gave were extreme ones (that actually get posted often on Loveshack). And there would be many other less extreme cases that might still lead to a "forced dump". Incompatibilities perceived to be relationship deal breakers would be another example.

 

 

But the essential point here is that when someone dumps someone because they were FORCED to, they are in reality the DUMPEE, because they are the more emotionally invested.

 

 

Based on all of this, your example of how you reacted to 2 different guys you dumped should be analysed more carefully. I would argue that you were in fact the dumpee (regarding Guy A) even though you officially dumped.

Edited February 1, 2017 by marky00

[jamili]

* a person who respects you and wants a healthy relationship with you never think to jerk you around.

 

Also wanted to add that they dont "think" to jerk you around, its subconsious and its inner conflict, biological mate selection, etc. I don't think dumpers are even aware of it most of the time.

[Cookiesandough]

OK

 

 

A lot of people on this site have been the victim of what we call the "forced dump".

 

 

As an example, one partner starts "gas lighting" etc. meaning they start doing stuff to deliberately create tension. They often do this because they aren't "feeling it" like they did before etc. Usually an argument ensures and they leave as they have a perfect excuse.

 

 

But there are many other examples of a "forced dump" such as being the victim of cheating or abuse.

 

 

In such examples, the person on the other end of the gas lighting, cheating, abuse dumps the person because they were FORCED to (not because they wanted to)

 

 

A "forced dump" basically means you dumped to protect yourself from further potential pain, despite the fact you wanted the relationship to continue.

 

 

The examples I gave were extreme ones (that actually get posted often on Loveshack). And there would be many other less extreme cases that might still lead to a "forced dump". Incompatibilities perceived to be relationship deal breakers would be another example.

 

 

But the essential point here is that when someone dumps someone because they were FORCED to, they are in reality the DUMPEE, because they are the more emotionally invested.

 

 

Based on all of this, your example of how you reacted to 2 different guys you dumped should be analysed more carefully. I would argue that you were in fact the dumpee (regarding Guy A) even though you officially dumped.

 

 

I still do not see how being a "force dumper" due to incompatibilities means you're necessarily more invested. Perhaps the person being "forced dumped" sees the pain of being broken up worse than the pain dealing with the incompatibility. I don't think it's a fair comparison to someone who is dumped after they make the decision to do something they know would ruin the relationship.

 

I feel like trying to reason with raw dumpees is an exercise in futility, but I have been there too. I know what it's like to want to justify someone's wrongdoings because you want. Yes it's human, yes people make mistakes, not all people, just some people who ask to get out, move out, divorce when there's a problem. Yes, it's a a mistake a lot like a guy who gets angry raises a fist and hits his wife is a "mistake". People do not change all that much, especially when they never have to learn the "mistake". You could have maybe made your ex not dump the next person they love, if that's in fact what they did, but if you ever take them back, NC is for nowt. However long your ""punishment" is simply gives them a new record to break. Yes, there are exceptions. No, you're probably not one of them.

 

I still have feelings for the first guy. They are a little less than when we fought about staying together. I still wanted to be single more than I wanted a college ldr at the time. I did regret my decision shortly after, it had nothing to do with him not contacting., I always assumed I was the dumper. I would have been pleasantly shocked if he reached out, but it's water under the bridge.

 

The only "interest" that my other ex rekindled was not in a relationship with him, but feeding some childish ego trip that compelled me to start crying I so frustrated a guy who once was all over me was ignoring me. That's all. I was not even slight attraction for him.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[marky00]

I still do not see how being a "force dumper" due to incompatibilities means you're necessarily more invested.

 

No it, doesn't but it makes it a possibility. Quite a high one at that.

 

 

I think your over-thinking this. My point is very simple here. Just because someone officially dumps doesn't make them the REAL dumper. And by that I mean, if that dumper was the more invested, I personally and most on LS refer to them as the dumpee.

 

 

So for comparisons, its better to talk about the more invested as oppose to who officially dumped. Only you know the answer to the question of who was the more invested.

[marky00]

I feel like trying to reason with raw dumpees is an exercise in futility, but I have been there too.

 

And I'm not a raw dumpee. That ship sailed long ago. And I too have been on both sides of the equation.

[marky00]

And the term "forced dump" on this site has always referred to the situation where a person dumps not because they wanted to but they felt they had to.

 

 

And in most of those cases, the person they dumped just disappeared, as if it was something they always wanted anyway.

 

 

So if that's not the way it played out with you, then it wasn't the "forced dump" I am referring to.