My emotional stages after dumping someone

[Aly101]

I have serious doubts that his person will take you back in their life. Only because, he has seemed to move on. He may feel a bit of satisfaction in knowing he is wanted back, but I doubt it will go further than that.

 

I feel that when a man is in love and gets his heartbroken, he remembers the heartbreak. When the romantic feelings are at a minimal (which your ex's feelings seem to be at a minimal) his logic and reason will guide him. Even if he still has unresolved feelings for you.

 

I don't think you should have waited as long as you have. My guess is he will turn you down fr dinner.

 

I also had things to think about, it took time for me to miss him and I didn't know I would be interested again. I didn't plan my emotions for the following months of the break up.

[Aly101]

There was a girl i dated. The minute she started liking me i told her she should resolve her boyfriend issues.. but she painted him as the bad guy. I told her straight up i was a rebound guy. She denied... i 100% knew i was a rebound... but followed along anyway... 8 months later guess what... she ran back to him and she painted me as the bad guy lmao. No one believed her...she tried very hard to ease her guilt and i had to pull her aside and tell her i was fine with breaking up.. this didn't go to well...

 

Well, she try to get back with her ex-boyfriend and he denied her. I was shocked my self because this guy was by no means a stud muffin nor sauve.

 

That guy now is living in Slilicon valley area making good money, lost weight, and has a nice cutey. The ex-gf got pregnant by the next guy that came by and her facebook is riddle with... "Oh we all make mistakes blah blah blah" mind you this was years ago and she is still feeling the burn.

 

I think the dumpers coming back is more often than we think. We just don't hear about it.

 

I think reconciliations are rare because the dumpee finds their value and moves on from the heartbreak, and by the time the dumper starts crawling back, they want none of it.

[SerPundnes]

I also had things to think about, it took time for me to miss him and I didn't know I would be interested again. I didn't plan my emotions for the following months of the break up.

 

- Did he go strictly NC on you?

 

- How long did he beg for you back?

 

- You didn't start to miss him AT ALL until 3 months had passed?

 

- When you broke up with him, you thought "Ah, glad that's over!" and then went on with your life feeling happy and living a normal life until 3 months had passed?

 

- Were you thinking about him at all these first 3 months after BU?

[AT15]

Has he sent breadcrumbs?

 

No, Just a random Instagram like. But, even so, he doesn't care about me. I know this. Anything else is just hope and me playing mind games with myself.

[Aly101]

- Did he go strictly NC on you?

 

- How long did he beg for you back?

 

- You didn't start to miss him AT ALL until 3 months had passed?

 

- When you broke up with him, you thought "Ah, glad that's over!" and then went on with your life feeling happy and living a normal life until 3 months had passed?

 

- Were you thinking about him at all these first 3 months after BU?

 

 

He begged for about a week.

 

I STARTED to miss him after about 4.

 

Yes, I felt a lot of relief but guilt also. I mostly felt happy, many dumpers do.

 

I thought about him, but not really good thoughts. It took a while to start seeing his positives too. I only really looked at all of his negatives for a while.

[jamili]

He begged for about a week.

 

I STARTED to miss him after about 4.

 

Yes, I felt a lot of relief but guilt also. I mostly felt happy, many dumpers do.

 

I thought about him, but not really good thoughts. It took a while to start seeing his positives too. I only really looked at all of his negatives for a while.

 

This seems so common that im convinced it has something to do with the way the brain works. Something about that 4-6 month mark where the dumper's "high" finally fades and they start finally seeing the good in the dumpee and missing the old times. This is why you gotta go strict NC! If your exbf had not done this, you might not have ever come to this stage of missing him and wondering about him. I think this is pretty textbook right here.

 

You probably also subconsciously value him more because by walking away and living his life, without contacting you, he has shown he has more strength and resolve than you originally subconsiously thought when you broke up with him. Now you are seeing that he is a strong, valuable, and worthy mate. I hate to make this sound so primitive, but it is. You respect him enough again to want to be with him again.

 

If he was a needy, clingy, mess during these past 6 months... sending you drunk texts, calling you, sending you big "closure emails"... you would want nothing to do with him right now. Another reason why NC is so important for the dumpee!

 

Its pretty wild how long it takes for the dumper to finally miss the dumpee.. but that's life. Jist realize this guy felt all these emotions for you immediately after the breakup, only intensified, and peobably still for the months following. The timing is a shame... but that's why i dont get why so many dumpees on here block their exes, if they want to reconcile some day in the future. You never know what might happen months, or even years in the future.

[jamili]

No, Just a random Instagram like. But, even so, he doesn't care about me. I know this. Anything else is just hope and me playing mind games with myself.

 

Not necessarily. You are at 2 months? Keep the NC up, dont acknowledge or respond to his facebook moves, and i wouldn't be a bit surprised if he starts missing you and crawling back in 2-4 months from now. Keep NC and wait and see.

[Saracena]

That is why these 30 day ex recovery programs are full of crap... because a dumper will always feel relief when they pull the trigger.

 

And if the dumpee shows his/her ugly head... it will RE-ENFORCE that dumping him/her was for the right reasons.

 

Why is this then?

[jamili]

Why is this then?

 

Probably because she thinks he is needy/clingy, not a high value man, etc... and popping back up after only 30 days just confirms this and the reason she likely dumped him in the first place, no matter what reason she "gave" for breaking it off.

[jorgeg3d]

Great post Aly101, I commend you for your efforts. Most dumpers don't do enough self help to realize what you've come to realize. It is sad however that most cases where a relationship could have been restored if both parties would have worked on it at the time, tends to fade away because the time and distance between the two.

[Bromeo]

If I may, one thing I've come to realize is that some people just have that affect on us. I've dated short term, long term, very short term (heh), and this one woman just got to me. Its about level of attraction, connection, and the circumstances of the breakup.

 

For me, as Jamili and Marky have seen, mine was the worst I've been through. And I'm 38. lol

 

I chased for months. I truly look back and cringe. Finally went NC proper and began to heal.

 

30 days later, mine sent two emails. Spun me up, lost a couple bets. I

waited a week, sent one text, "let me know if you want to talk." Radio silence since.

 

Jesus the games get old.

 

There is some anecdotal evidence to support the dumpers mindset theory, but like most here, its case specific.

 

For me, I experienced a ton of personal growth, and cannot explain why this woman got to me.

 

Those feels. They getcha every time. lol

[Emmafive]

This seems so common that im convinced it has something to do with the way the brain works. Something about that 4-6 month mark where the dumper's "high" finally fades and they start finally seeing the good in the dumpee and missing the old times. This is why you gotta go strict NC! If your exbf had not done this, you might not have ever come to this stage of missing him and wondering about him. I think this is pretty textbook right here.

 

You probably also subconsciously value him more because by walking away and living his life, without contacting you, he has shown he has more strength and resolve than you originally subconsiously thought when you broke up with him. Now you are seeing that he is a strong, valuable, and worthy mate. I hate to make this sound so primitive, but it is. You respect him enough again to want to be with him again.

 

If he was a needy, clingy, mess during these past 6 months... sending you drunk texts, calling you, sending you big "closure emails"... you would want nothing to do with him right now. Another reason why NC is so important for the dumpee!

 

Its pretty wild how long it takes for the dumper to finally miss the dumpee.. but that's life. Jist realize this guy felt all these emotions for you immediately after the breakup, only intensified, and peobably still for the months following. The timing is a shame... but that's why i dont get why so many dumpees on here block their exes, if they want to reconcile some day in the future. You never know what might happen months, or even years in the future.

 

 

Well for me when my ex dumped me a week or so later I blocked him on my phone so that way I would stop being so anxious and eager to see if he would contact me. It's way of removing hope and gaining some sanity I guess.

 

Funny thing is two weeks later I went out my friend's for her birthday and Halloween so I was snap chatting what was going on over the course of those days. In that time he deleted me (what the heck?). I hadn't looked at his posts (tells you who has viewed your stuff) in months so it wasn't like I was keeping tabs on him so who knows why I got deleted. A week later his roommate all of a sudden requested me on the same app *rolls eyes*.

 

People are weird during break ups. Not sure about my ex but for most other people I think anything after is about self preservation.

[Sweetfish]

Has he sent breadcrumbs?

 

To be honest the best way to get his attention is by your looks. This is how attraction in a guy works.. so if u look exactly the same or worse from the time of the break-up this will work againt you.

[jorgeg3d]

If I may, one thing I've come to realize is that some people just have that affect on us. I've dated short term, long term, very short term (heh), and this one woman just got to me. Its about level of attraction, connection, and the circumstances of the breakup.

 

For me, as Jamili and Marky have seen, mine was the worst I've been through. And I'm 38. lol

 

I chased for months. I truly look back and cringe. Finally went NC proper and began to heal.

 

30 days later, mine sent two emails. Spun me up, lost a couple bets. I

waited a week, sent one text, "let me know if you want to talk." Radio silence since.

 

Jesus the games get old.

 

There is some anecdotal evidence to support the dumpers mindset theory, but like most here, its case specific.

 

For me, I experienced a ton of personal growth, and cannot explain why this woman got to me.

 

Those feels. They getcha every time. lol

 

 

Your girl wasn't all there though Bromeo, much like mine! lol. I've learned that theres an abundance of people out in the world. My biggest problem now is, how to not be a player? Its hard, so hard lol

[Emmafive]

If I may, one thing I've come to realize is that some people just have that affect on us. I've dated short term, long term, very short term (heh), and this one woman just got to me. Its about level of attraction, connection, and the circumstances of the breakup.

 

For me, as Jamili and Marky have seen, mine was the worst I've been through. And I'm 38. lol

 

I chased for months. I truly look back and cringe. Finally went NC proper and began to heal.

 

30 days later, mine sent two emails. Spun me up, lost a couple bets. I

waited a week, sent one text, "let me know if you want to talk." Radio silence since.

 

Jesus the games get old.

 

There is some anecdotal evidence to support the dumpers mindset theory, but like most here, its case specific.

 

For me, I experienced a ton of personal growth, and cannot explain why this woman got to me.

 

Those feels. They getcha every time. lol

 

I'm a firm believer, and probably in the minority here, that time doesn't really isn't that much of factor when it comes to connections. You can date someone for only months and as long as you had this great chemistry/connection with this person it will never truly go away for both parties. When you meet someone and they're a core shaker it's so rare to come across that it's hard to forget. Plus, for shorter relationships even if you're the dumper a lot 'what ifs' come into play after a while and that makes it that much harder to be done with things for good. I was with my ex for 6 years. I knew we had exhausted all possibilities. He tried to come back but I knew what I would be getting back into. A shorter relationship there's still a lot the two of you still haven't explored.

 

Either way I guess everything is still case by case.

[jamili]

I waited a week, sent one text, "let me know if you want to talk." Radio silence since.

 

l

 

Bromeo, noooooo! You gave in! You have to continue to ignore until she misses you. She has to think you are gone forever and that she lost you. It's probably the only way to score another chance with that one. Needed to give it way more time man, many more months. Now she knows she's got you... and her anxiety will fade and she will be validated. Never respond until they crack like Aly did lol

 

NC reset time

Edited January 24, 2017 by jamili

[Bromeo]

I know, I know. But really, are things any different with one text after waiting a week? lol

 

Whether they crack or not, I am just one of those people who do not believe in the action of inaction. There are countless threads about not responding to breadcrumbs, and responding. Both are risks.

 

And really, I tire of the stupid games. Guess that means I healed up a bit. I'm fine with the effort I put in to correct my mistakes and make something better.

 

After all this time, took me a minute to realize how loony this whole thing is. lol

[Emmafive]

I'm a firm believer, and probably in the minority here, that time doesn't really isn't that much of factor when it comes to connections. You can date someone for only months and as long as you had this great chemistry/connection with this person it will never truly go away for both parties. When you meet someone and they're a core shaker it's so rare to come across that it's hard to forget. Plus, for shorter relationships even if you're the dumper a lot 'what ifs' come into play after a while and that makes it that much harder to be done with things for good. I was with my ex for 6 years. I knew we had exhausted all possibilities. He tried to come back but I knew what I would be getting back into. A shorter relationship there's still a lot the two of you still haven't explored.

 

Either way I guess everything is still case by case.

 

 

Woops. Sorry for the typos! Typing on a phone is not the easiest thing to do haha.

[Aly101]

I know, I know. But really, are things any different with one text after waiting a week? lol

 

Whether they crack or not, I am just one of those people who do not believe in the action of inaction. There are countless threads about not responding to breadcrumbs, and responding. Both are risks.

 

And really, I tire of the stupid games. Guess that means I healed up a bit. I'm fine with the effort I put in to correct my mistakes and make something better.

 

After all this time, took me a minute to realize how loony this whole thing is. lol

Yes things will be different. It will make you seem weak no matter what. I know if my ex responded to me in my early stages of missing him or texted me, my anxiety would disappear instantly. Anxiety is the root to desire. Act like you don't care about them, look attractive, act attractive, and meet new people. Dpeneding on who they are, that is the best way to make them anxious (of course in my opinion)

[Aly101]

I'm a firm believer, and probably in the minority here, that time doesn't really isn't that much of factor when it comes to connections. You can date someone for only months and as long as you had this great chemistry/connection with this person it will never truly go away for both parties. When you meet someone and they're a core shaker it's so rare to come across that it's hard to forget. Plus, for shorter relationships even if you're the dumper a lot 'what ifs' come into play after a while and that makes it that much harder to be done with things for good. I was with my ex for 6 years. I knew we had exhausted all possibilities. He tried to come back but I knew what I would be getting back into. A shorter relationship there's still a lot the two of you still haven't explored.

 

Either way I guess everything is still case by case.

 

Feelings change, the only way to even have a chance of reconciling with an ex, you need to disappear. It will take a long time, and most likely yku will be over them by the time they come back. Maybe you'll be over them but want to rebuild a connection, that's ok. You do what's best for you. If they come back and you can't trust them ever again, reject them. If you want to try again, go ahead. It will take many months of NC but it will be worth it no matter what.

[Aly101]

Great post Aly101, I commend you for your efforts. Most dumpers don't do enough self help to realize what you've come to realize. It is sad however that most cases where a relationship could have been restored if both parties would have worked on it at the time, tends to fade away because the time and distance between the two.

 

I think most dumpees reach this stage, but by the time they do, the dumpee is long gone. The dumpees will reject too, they will become stronger.

[Aly101]

Quick update:

I have sent the message asking to take him out just now. I will wait until 4:30 for an answer. (He gets off work at 3:30)

[SerPundnes]

Keep us posted!

[MeadowFlower]

Feelings change, the only way to even have a chance of reconciling with an ex, you need to disappear. It will take a long time, and most likely yku will be over them by the time they come back. Maybe you'll be over them but want to rebuild a connection, that's ok. You do what's best for you. If they come back and you can't trust them ever again, reject them. If you want to try again, go ahead. It will take many months of NC but it will be worth it no matter what.

What if you didn't go NC (actually LC because I work with him) until 3 1/2 to 4 months after the breakup? Does that botch things up?

[Bromeo]

Yes things will be different. It will make you seem weak no matter what. I know if my ex responded to me in my early stages of missing him or texted me, my anxiety would disappear instantly. Anxiety is the root to desire. Act like you don't care about them, look attractive, act attractive, and meet new people. Dpeneding on who they are, that is the best way to make them anxious (of course in my opinion)

 

I do agree there. I've been doing that ever since our last phone call. Life of FB is amazing, started new activities, and have been meeting and dating other people.

 

However, the advice can be contrasting at times.

 

If you don't respond, you look weak and not over them. If you do, you look weak and not over them. Quite the paradox of breakups.

 

For me, I waited a week. I'm clearly not fully over mine, but didn't want to miss what might have been a chance.

 

I am satisfied with my effort, and her lack of response. Its funny that this chapter is now about frantically trying resuscitate something long, long gone.

 

Mine is attractive, she will find someone to marry her. Down the line she may regret this time period. I am also satisfied with that.