My emotional stages after dumping someone

[MeadowFlower]

Yup. That would have been a nightmare. I would have "proven her right ", made myself look like a liar, destroyed any chance for reconciliation, and obliterated my NC personal progress, all in one swift blow lol. When i first solved the mystery here, i felt a sense of relief, since i can stop wondering and debating with myself whether to reply or not. Then, i just started to feel sad.. because for the past month i had convinced myself she maybe, just maybe... cared a little still. Now i know it was just all in my head, and she might have totally moved on long ago and forgotten about me. However, it's out of my control either way, and i just have to keep moving on and healing.

 

Any updates on your situation?

Yea having hope and then having the reality of the situation erase that hope would be a bit hard. But still at least you didn't reply. All you can do is keep living your life.

There's no major updates on my situation. And I still can't PM lol. I think I have to be a member for a month etc.

[jamili]

Yea having hope and then having the reality of the situation erase that hope would be a bit hard. But still at least you didn't reply. All you can do is keep living your life.

There's no major updates on my situation. And I still can't PM lol. I think I have to be a member for a month etc.

 

Really weird turn of events on my end... she actually just texted me. I did not respond, as there were no clear signs of reconciliation yet. Makes me think maybe the photos were intentional after all...

[MeadowFlower]

Really weird turn of events on my end... she actually just texted me. I did not respond, as there were no clear signs of reconciliation yet. Makes me think maybe the photos were intentional after all...

Wow! Wasn't she the one that said no contact with an ex lol You never know where this may go.

[jamili]

Wow! Wasn't she the one that said no contact with an ex lol You never know where this may go.

 

Indeed lol. But I'm not breaking NC until i receive something more substantial, or she reveals vulnerability. Otherwise its just a breadcrumb to me.

[MeadowFlower]

Indeed lol. But I'm not breaking NC until i receive something more substantial, or she reveals vulnerability. Otherwise its just a breadcrumb to me.

Were you excited though lol ? Guess you would've been surprised to get a text from her.

[marky00]

1 month since I got some breadcrumbs from my Ex, which I ignored.

 

 

Yesterday, I posted some cool pictures of my trip to Africa on a social media app my exes uses. Felt good to upload those pics. I actually noticed her profile is stagnant.

[Aly101]

1 month since I got some breadcrumbs from my Ex, which I ignored.

 

 

Yesterday, I posted some cool pictures of my trip to Africa on a social media app my exes uses. Felt good to upload those pics. I actually noticed her profile is stagnant.

In my opinion, I think your ex will reach out again. Not 100% guaranteed though.

[SevenCity]

I would like to add to this as its I can see many people will be conflicted with what your wrote because it contradicts your previous post slightly.

 

Here is what I have to say about every individual is different.

 

Every rain drop is different. Every snowflake is crystallized in its own pattern. Every molecule of air has an unpredictable path. However, when in groups they become VERY predictable. This is how we build airplanes, manipulate water, and survive in cold environments. People are the same way as individuals they are unpredictable...but when you lump individuals in a group you can make assertions.

 

 

Its up to the reader to be self-aware and follow the paths of others and not make the same mistakes..

 

for instance begging and crying. I've have not heard one person say..."no, you should beg and cry because you should fight for the relationship no matter what."

 

We would hope the reader is smart enough to know what can be generalized and what cannot be generalized.

 

If your a dumpee we can generalize your hurting pretty bad the moment your dumped and that you will create a wall against the dumper in the future. But ever so often you have (rain drops) that for whatever reasons kinda take a different path and say... "I got dumped, awesome im free yay)

 

This is a comparison to a member on LS and your stages .. its a 6 years old post

 

I swore i would never go back to my ex, I blamed my ex for us splitting and even believed it myself for a long time, the whole time. never once fought with the rebound we got on great and where a great match

 

Did i miss him?, not for the first 3-4 months he was always around

 

 

[Member]Even though my ex is still around begging me back, i still miss him, still miss his company.

in hindsight looking at this now, he was always about, i had his company so it truly wasnt his company i missed, i didnt realise this for months later.

 

After this realisation i let him come up and hang around, but at the time still didnt want relationship and thought we would never be together again, but at this point i knew i still wanted him in my life, but as i friend, at this point i knew i wouldnt be happy with him not in my life.

 

 

The point is until you get over your ex you cant form that bond with anyone else. At this point i had go single and deal with the breakup. this is where the ex stuff happens, i went through 3 weeks of mild sadness getting over gigs guy, realised it wasnt true love,I also worked out what i wanted in life, i was ready to settle down and have kid

 

after that, one night the break up with the ex hut me. it hut me hard like a ton of bricks. This was pain, it was regret, i finally only then seen how bad i treated him and what had done to him.This was also the point were i said f++k i love my ex, i said to myself i would txt him and lay it out if he wanted it i was going to be the best bird ever. if he had moved on i was going to go down the long lonely road of healing i hadnt dealt with my ex break up all, and it only came out after my gigs ended.

 

 

my gigs was not finished there but. we got back together and the same problems occured but only through fault of my ex, I learned my mistake and the changes that were my fault in the relationship. After 6 months

 

how did it make me feel, first 2-3 months, angry i wish he would just go away, did he emotionally support my rebound, yes. would i have came back earlier if he didnt chase me?

 

What did my ex do this whole time? he begged me the whole time, didnt know about gigs guy. I HID IT!!! Red flag!

 

 

So yes... you two are different.. two completely different people.. yet its errie how close the comparisons are when you think about it...

 

Great comparison and analysis. I think that dumpers often go through separation anxiety at a later stage than the dumpee. The dumpee is forced to deal with the emotional impact of the separation right away and proceeds through the stages until they finally reach acceptance.

 

On the other hand, the dumper delays said emotions and only seems to hit the separation anxiety once the dumper has reached acceptance.

 

This makes for an interesting dynamic as the roles have been essentially reversed.

 

I think it also has to do with the strength of the bond the couple created and their attachment style as many dumpers never come back.

 

However, it seems the majority of them do at some point - not neccessarily for reconciliation but they do seem to reach out. If a reconciliation is desired and attempted the original issues with the RL typically surface again.

 

In the OPs case I'm a bit more hopeful as she has recognized her part in this and has worked to fix it.

[AT15]

Indeed lol. But I'm not breaking NC until i receive something more substantial, or she reveals vulnerability. Otherwise its just a breadcrumb to me.

 

The breadcrumbs throw me for a loop. They won't matter as much once you move on and meet someone else.

 

I've kinda met someone new. But, I still miss my ex and his breadcrumb made me remember how much I love and gave to him. I would like to fall genuinely in love with someone else.

 

The ex hasn't tried to get back with me. And, I'm not sure if that's what's best for me if he doesn't make some changes. And I need to make changes as well.

[Murmillo]

Gender DOES MATTER

 

In what way if I may ask?

[jamili]

The breadcrumbs throw me for a loop. They won't matter as much once you move on and meet someone else.

 

I've kinda met someone new. But, I still miss my ex and his breadcrumb made me remember how much I love and gave to him. I would like to fall genuinely in love with someone else.

 

The ex hasn't tried to get back with me. And, I'm not sure if that's what's best for me if he doesn't make some changes. And I need to make changes as well.

 

Thisbreadcrumb was logistical... but in a way that was very obviously disguised to look logisitical. Its 100% something i do not need to answer, and its peculiar that she felt like asking me. Without a doubt an excuse to get me to respond - whether it be to "test" me, an ego boost, or genuine wish to communicate, I dont know. Silence until I know. If i got an "i miss you" or something like that like some of you guys have been getting... something more personal.... or even a "how are you"... i would actually respond in a neutral way.

 

I might be wrong but i like to think that if a dumper is legitimately having second thoughts, they would make it somewhat more clear and try harder.. especially if they outright asked for NC themselves (like in my situation).

 

She threw a really good thing, and i know without a shadow of doubt that she knows that. My breakup wasn't due to gradual decline in attraction, incompatibility or bad behavior, it was an impulsive insecure reaction she had based on a simple, and kind of ridiculous, mistake of fact. She was conflicted throughout the breakup, and i know in my gut she is conflicted now. And she should be lol because it was her mistake and misjudgment; nothing we broke up over actually happened.

 

Im a firm believer in letting the universe take care of things . Whatever is going to happen will happen regardless, control over these things is an illusion. All you can do is give thd dumper exactly what they wanted - you gone forever - and if they dont like it and change their minds down the road, it is 100% their responsiblity to make that crystal clear. If they care enough, i dont think they will give up that easy. Imo keep silent, let them truly feel the loss, let them internalize the fact that you are slipping away FOREVER unless they take immediate action... its the only way to know for sure.

Edited January 29, 2017 by jamili

[MeadowFlower]

All you can do is give thd dumper exactly what they wanted - you gone forever - and if they dont like it and change their minds down the road, it is 100% their responsiblity to make that crystal clear. If they care enough, i dont think they will give up that easy. Imo keep silent, let them truly feel the loss, let them internalize the fact that you are slipping away FOREVER unless they take immediate action... its the only way to know for sure.

This is good ? It's up to the dumper to initiate, the ball is in their court. We shouldn't try and get them to like us again or to want to be in a relationship with us. We can't be worried about all that. It's out of our hands. Though I know there are things that can be done that may help. Buy if they care enough there's not much if anything that will stop them. And I like what you said, make it crystal clear.

[jamili]

This is good It's up to the dumper to initiate, the ball is in their court. We shouldn't try and get them to like us again or to want to be in a relationship with us. We can't be worried about all that. It's out of our hands. Though I know there are things that can be done that may help. Buy if they care enough there's not much if anything that will stop them. And I like what you said, make it crystal clear.

 

I think a lot of times people make rash decisions based on impulse. When someone does this and tosses you out of their lives, you have to give them what they asked for. Not to be a dick, but because people need to learn to live with decisions they made. Often times I think they come to realize the decision they made was indeed rushed and illogical (emotion-driven).

 

It's human nature - we as a species do NOT appreciate what we have/had until we lose it. It's exactly why we are destroying this planet.. for example. But it's the same with relationships. And the only way to allow people to come to this conclusion, is to give them EXACTLY what they wanted.

[SevenCity]

I think a lot of times people make rash decisions based on impulse. When someone does this and tosses you out of their lives, you have to give them what they asked for. Not to be a dick, but because people need to learn to live with decisions they made. Often times I think they come to realize the decision they made was indeed rushed and illogical (emotion-driven).

 

It's human nature - we as a species do NOT appreciate what we have/had until we lose it. It's exactly why we are destroying this planet.. for example. But it's the same with relationships. And the only way to allow people to come to this conclusion, is to give them EXACTLY what they wanted.

 

Agreed. However it makes me wonder if it's worth giving them a second chance if they do realize their decision was a mistake?

 

Most people continue a RL to marriage and don't have a breakup along the way (not so say that all RLs are healthy or good).

 

A big part of me feels that you get many chances to work things out, but once you break up it's akin to launching the nukes; there is a limited time to activate the self destruct (a week, a month in a breakup?) but once they hit target the damage is catastrophic and final.

[Sweetfish]

Agreed. However it makes me wonder if it's worth giving them a second chance if they do realize their decision was a mistake?

 

Most people continue a RL to marriage and don't have a breakup along the way (not so say that all RLs are healthy or good).

 

A big part of me feels that you get many chances to work things out, but once you break up it's akin to launching the nukes; there is a limited time to activate the self destruct (a week, a month in a breakup?) but once they hit target the damage is catastrophic and final.

 

 

If your dating a person for 2-3 years that is enough time to know that you want to be with that person and that you love them. If something or someone comes along and causes the breakup that is when you really need to look deep down inside and wonder is it worth giving another chance.

 

If you were to have a child with this person and they pulled the same stunt again it could have irreversible damage to your child's development. I mean very vital damage or imbalances in brain development and growth. So that means at least 16-18 years of sticking it thru or you risk having children having critical self-esteem, passive behavior, or poor impulse control problems.

 

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)

 

If you are the dumpee the reality is you have all the power now. Now if your were a crappy boyfriend or girlfriend that's on you. The dumpee need to realize they did the best they could do. he/she was respectful, honest, and caring and you need to keep that power by going N.C. and start directing that power into your self. The dumper can go out into the world and play and have fun and if they find a better person (good for them) Is it going to hurt like hell. Yes it is.

 

But to be honest....to be really serious about the matter...

There isn't jack out there. If you look at social media, tinder, pof etc... There isn't **** out there. So you may be alone for awhile and also they may realize the person they move on with isn't that great either.. who knows.

 

Saying that... the hardest part..I think for any person is you HAVE to start being happy being alone. You have to start working on you, your body, your edge, your home, or whatever. that is by-far the hardest thing to do.

 

All your doing is taking the power you already had and making its stronger and stronger and that is why when the dumper comes back its with resistances.

 

This being alone is a battle because your brain wants you to be back with the dumper... it craves the love and affection and this is a battle.

[SevenCity]

If your dating a person for 2-3 years that is enough time to know that you want to be with that person and that you love them. If something or someone comes along and causes the breakup that is when you really need to look deep down inside and wonder is it worth giving another chance.

 

If you were to have a child with this person and they pulled the same stunt again it could have irreversible damage to your child's development. I mean very vital damage or imbalances in brain development and growth. So that means at least 16-18 years of sticking it thru or you risk having children having critical self-esteem, passive behavior, or poor impulse control problems.

 

 

 

If you are the dumpee the reality is you have all the power now. Now if your were a crappy boyfriend or girlfriend that's on you. The dumpee need to realize they did the best they could do. he/she was respectful, honest, and caring and you need to keep that power by going N.C. and start directing that power into your self. The dumper can go out into the world and play and have fun and if they find a better person (good for them) Is it going to hurt like hell. Yes it is.

 

But to be honest....to be really serious about the matter...

There isn't jack out there. If you look at social media, tinder, pof etc... There isn't **** out there. So you may be alone for awhile and also they may realize the person they move on with isn't that great either.. who knows.

 

Saying that... the hardest part..I think for any person is you HAVE to start being happy being alone. You have to start working on you, your body, your edge, your home, or whatever. that is by-far the hardest thing to do.

 

All your doing is taking the power you already had and making its stronger and stronger and that is why when the dumper comes back its with resistances.

 

This being alone is a battle because your brain wants you to be back with the dumper... it craves the love and affection and this is a battle.

 

In the case of my 7 year RL, I had no doubts I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She obviously did not feel the same. A lot of RLs end after longer than 2-3 years. Often times it is the lack of understanding and communication that causes the split. Since women are usually the dumpers I would venture to say they mostly "feel" it's not gonna work. Many times they can't even point to a reason why.

 

We live in such a disposable society that people forget that Rls require work. Once over the honeymoon period (which can last two years), you have to expend real effort to make things work. And by that I mean to really understand the other person and their needs. Men and women speak different languages and often the signal a woman gives of her unhappiness causes the man to shut down. If they understood they could do more to repair.

 

I too agree with the crap selection on OLD. I'd like to think it is just a subset of available women but more and more people are using it. It's like a big used car sale forum. Pretty soon you find out why they are available.

 

The last three girls I dated in the over 40 crowd (one currently dating) have shown by date 3 why they are still single and never married. Be it immaturity, selfishnesss, the unrealistic expectations, entitlement, etc.

 

The divorced ones are no picnic either. Of the girls I dated who were divorced they all had hate spewing from them against their ex husbands to the point where I couldn't listen anymore. Not to mention the "self medicating" unemployed alcoholic / pot head chick or the "420 friendly" mom who bragged about the benefits of pot laced gummy bears and brownies on our first and only date.

 

Yea, you can't blame a guy for wanting back a dumper when the available replacement selection is crap lol. I'm sure my desire would lessen if a more suitable replacement was found.

[Aly101]

Quick update: I have another date with hopefully my future boyfriend tomorrow I expect all to go well, he even agreed to come to my place tomorrow night.

[Sweetfish]

Quick update: I have another date with hopefully my future boyfriend tomorrow I expect all to go well, he even agreed to come to my place tomorrow night.

 

I wish you luck... hope all goes well

[MeadowFlower]

Quick update: I have another date with hopefully my future boyfriend tomorrow I expect all to go well, he even agreed to come to my place tomorrow night.

Awww!! ?

. . .

[Aly101]

I had something on my that I don't understand and can't answer myself, why does the effect of the breakup affect the dumper way after the break up? It happened to me and I see to many other people. Anyone have an explanation?

[SevenCity]

I had something on my that I don't understand and can't answer myself, why does the effect of the breakup affect the dumper way after the break up? It happened to me and I see to many other people. Anyone have an explanation?

 

It has to do with it being your choice. You were prepared for it emotionally which the dumpee was not. You feel a sense of relief because it is what you wanted. This was thrust upon the dumpee often with no warning. They start processing the breakup immediately and you have nothing to process - after all it's what you wanted and for the best.

 

You ride that feeling of freedom for a while and eventually it sets in that this person is out of your life. You start to forget the bad and remember the good. Then you question your decision and wonder if you made the right choice. By this time the dumper has usually moved on and you get anxious realizing you may have made a mistake that is irreversible.

 

That's why NC for the dumpee is important. It gives you the sense of loss you wouldn't have felt if they were begging to get you back for months. They are out of your life for good and that new found freedom isn't as great as you thought. Or that shiny new guy isn't as great as you has imagined him to be.

 

It's really a shame. If a dumper felt what the dumpee felt in the beginning they would really second guess the breakup.

[Aly101]

It has to do with it being your choice. You were prepared for it emotionally which the dumpee was not. You feel a sense of relief because it is what you wanted. This was thrust upon the dumpee often with no warning. They start processing the breakup immediately and you have nothing to process - after all it's what you wanted and for the best.

 

You ride that feeling of freedom for a while and eventually it sets in that this person is out of your life. You start to forget the bad and remember the good. Then you question your decision and wonder if you made the right choice. By this time the dumper has usually moved on and you get anxious realizing you may have made a mistake that is irreversible.

 

That's why NC for the dumpee is important. It gives you the sense of loss you wouldn't have felt if they were begging to get you back for months. They are out of your life for good and that new found freedom isn't as great as you thought. Or that shiny new guy isn't as great as you has imagined him to be.

 

It's really a shame. If a dumper felt what the dumpee felt in the beginning they would really second guess the breakup.

This makes sense. It's why I see many cases of the dumper being turned down by the dumpee.

[Sweetfish]

I had something on my that I don't understand and can't answer myself, why does the effect of the breakup affect the dumper way after the break up? It happened to me and I see to many other people. Anyone have an explanation?

 

Biological...women are effected more than men are. If you look at what happens with BPD the person goes "black" and the more you engage with someone

in the black the more damage you do as a dumpee.

 

Thats why you simply leave and go N.C.

 

Its not until months later that the "black" goes away and the surge of "white" comes in.

[SevenCity]

Biological...women are effected more than men are. If you look at what happens with BPD the person goes "black" and the more you engage with someone

in the black the more damage you do as a dumpee.

 

Thats why you simply leave and go N.C.

 

Its not until months later that the "black" goes away and the surge of "white" comes in.

 

I don't know I buy into this. I've seen guys, including myself, on the verge of suicide over a breakup. Women also initiate most of the breakups I think because they are better prepared to deal with them.

 

Regardless of the side of the break they are on, it is socially acceptable for them to burst into tears at any given time. They also have a much better support structure and network of friends to make them feel better. Not to mention they are more sought after by the opposite sex and the pain of a breakup in her will deter few men.

 

Men on the other hand have friends who get sick of hearing about it and want to say "man up". A guys confidence is shot and women are repulsed by this. In his depression he becomes invisible to women (if he was the dumpee).

 

Women are often quick to move on as well by bringing one of their male orbiters. In closer. Best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Women know this.

[Link2]

This makes sense. It's why I see many cases of the dumper being turned down by the dumpee.

 

That's also because the dumpee will feel two negatives feelings towards the dumper, not matter how much they loved each other before the break up. First, the dumper generally leaves because she prefers another person (and even if she denies it, the dumpee won't believe it, or will think someone could had appeared later). So that third person will always be in the dumpee's head. Second, the dumpee won't trust his ex as much as before. Now he knows of what she's capable, and therefore it seems more likely that it happens again than when they were together and nothing like that had happened.

 

In my case, as a recent dumpee, the first issue seems quite relevant. Our relationship was the first serious one for both of us (the first one of any kind for me), so after this incident, even if she came back, she'd have the stigma of having spent time with another guy. It may sound too traditional or whatever, but I think many dumpees would feel the same way. If she magically came back immediately, I wouldn't worry that much about it. But if she came in say 6 months, I couldn't avoid thinking about what she may have been doing with that guy. She wasn't virgin when I knew her, but (in theory) she only had sex once before, so she was "mostly" virgin to me. After this, it would feel differently.