Separating & Leaving Husband's Home Country

[Thesadexpat]

Hi all, I have come here because with endless Googling I haven't been able to find information on anyone with a similar situation to mine and just need some guidance/support.

 

I met my husband 3 years ago when he was on a trip to my home country. We fell in love and I ultimately moved to Australia so we could commence a life together. We've been married for just over a year now, however we've encountered many difficulties along the way. It has come to a point where I believe that, although I love him, we have inconsolable differences and it feels as though there is a lot of contempt on his end. On top of that I feel as though I am lacking my individual identity and I am always relying on him. He is a very assertive man and makes 99% of the decisions. We have no children.

 

While I don't want to get into the finance situation (that's a whole other issue on its own,) as of now, we are living with his parents. I'm having a lot of difficulty with making a firm decision to separate. I know deep down that I it's probably the right thing to do but living in a far away country, with no friends and family of my own is making it really hard to bite the bullet and book a ticket home. I'm constantly having doubts about this decision and can't seem to make up my mind. If I do decide to leave, it won't be a calm and easy process. There will be anger and a lot of tears (on my end). Also, his retired parents are constantly home. I will have to pack all of my belongings (which I've brought over here on multiple trips) and likely won't be able to get anything back that's been left behind.

 

What I want to know is, how do I do it? I have been emotionally weak. I find in stressful fights I have trouble pulling through. I always end up apologizing and trying to reconcile because, as I said before, I do still love my husband but I also can't take the isolation that I feel when we are fighting or not speaking. These issues only seem to get worse and I've come to fear the thought of having kids with him. I want to find the courage to leave but am having a lot of difficulty. Perhaps it's also because I have no one here on my side. No backbone or support to help me get through this decision as all my friends and family are on the other side of the world.

 

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Did you struggle with the decision to separate? Words can't express the struggle I feel on a daily basis. Even on the good days (and there are good days) my mind wonders to a place of fear for our future together.

[lovingladyo4]

Many many years ago I was in a similar type situation where I was dating a man of a different origin than myself, and knew that if I didn't get away from him, I would be responsible for letting the destruction continue. Marriage was not involved, however, and yet the force of control gripped me and tormented me beyond what I knew to be a healthy relationship.

 

Since marriage is involved in your situation, different factors come into play. Any reconciliation will require equal input and commitment from both parties. But if he is not willing to change for the protection of you and your marriage, a separation can give you time to sort through these challenging circumstances.

 

The issue seems to be more with how you feel about yourself, and your own capability to step forward to try and resolve things. You seem like a very sensitive and caring person, so even slightest hint of hurting someone still bothers you. But if you hurt yourself more, then you may need to consider getting some outside help from home base to rectify the problem.

Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spam ~6

[Thesadexpat]

Many many years ago I was in a similar type situation where I was dating a man of a different origin than myself, and knew that if I didn't get away from him, I would be responsible for letting the destruction continue. Marriage was not involved, however, and yet the force of control gripped me and tormented me beyond what I knew to be a healthy relationship.

 

Since marriage is involved in your situation, different factors come into play. Any reconciliation will require equal input and commitment from both parties. But if he is not willing to change for the protection of you and your marriage, a separation can give you time to sort through these challenging circumstances.

 

The issue seems to be more with how you feel about yourself, and your own capability to step forward to try and resolve things. You seem like a very sensitive and caring person, so even slightest hint of hurting someone still bothers you. But if you hurt yourself more, then you may need to consider getting some outside help from home base to rectify the problem.

 

Thanks lovingladyo4. You're right about me and the kind of person I am - I cried reading your reply. My problem now is figuring out what is best for me in the long run. At times, I envision myself at the airport with my bags and telling the lady at the check-in counter that it's the best day of my life - being courageous enough to leave. Other times I picture crying and saying that it's the worst day of my life and i don't know how I'm going to get through the next 14 hour plane ride. I just can't decide. I've never been a risk-taker and definitely lack courage. I think I've made up my mind and then I think about all of the good things. Holding hands, our silly conversations, small bits of affection that I will forever miss. And then I think about the bad again. It's really a vicious cycle.

Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quoted text ~6

[lovingladyo4]

Taking that first big step is always the scariest, but if you don't take that step, you will end up staying right where you are. Think about what to expect if you stay. You owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance to regain some peace in your heart, no matter what you have to go though to get it. Peace is that important.

[ShatteredLady]

Part of my extended family emigrated to Australia. I also have some close female Australian friends. I do recognize that people are all different & all netions are made of all sorts of people on all points on the spectrum. There's no way of saying this without sounding racist! (Sorry) If you don't like this, "He is a very assertive man and makes 99% of the decisions." why on earth did you marry an Australian man? I'm sorry.

 

I moved from England too the USA with my husband. Moving away from everything you know, friends, family, culture can be a huge shock to the system & it puts tremendous pressure on any couple. It's all to easy for the 'foreigner' to feel isolated & home sick in the best of situations.

 

When you're young it's so much easier. If you stay things are only going to get harder if you have close family back at home. The first time I received that 'emergency' phone call from England I'd never felt so far away. It was devastating. If you leave it too long (as I've learnt) the old adage "You can never go home again" becomes real. After 18 years I'm back 'home' & in many ways I feel like a foreigner.

 

It sounds like you KNOW that your marriage isn't likely to go the distance. Is there any chance at all that things could be better if you BOTH returned to your home country? As the years pass he will become influenced by your culture rather than having the 'dominate male' parts of his nature reinforced. There's a very real danger that you will loose yourself if you stay (I speak from experience)

 

If you're going to leave do it sooner rather than later. It's not going to get easier. Could you afford a 'partial container' to ship your belongings back? Look into it. If it's larger items (rather than lots of little boxes that need to be packaged professionally for security reasons) it could be cheaper than you think. At the end of the day how 'cherished' are the things you're talking about?

 

I truly know the fear. It's not like having a separation in the same country. Relocation is such a huge ordeal. It's not something that you can easily change your mind about. You can't continue to 'date' & work on your issues. It's so very final.

 

My husband had an affair with a coworker a couple of years after we arrived in the USA. He became an abusive alien while it was going-on. If we had been home I would have relied on my support system. I would have been stronger. I made choices that I would NEVER of made if I hadn't been so isolated & if leaving wasn't so final. I hope you know what I mean. I was so deeply broken. I desperately needed my loved ones. I was so alone. It ended-up changing me in so many ways.

 

I'm sorry. I wish I could offer better advise. You're in such a hard situation. Do you think things could improve once you have an established career & friends of your own (if your husband would be ok with that level of independence)? If not I'd take the plunge & get home. Once you pass the 5 year mark it becomes logistically more difficult to return to many countries. Have you maintained strong relationships with 'your people' at home? Would you have places to stay straight off of the plane?

 

Best wishes.