Webb0108 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 hi all i am new to this so sorry if this is in the wrong place or doesnt come out right lol..right ill try my best first ill say i was with my ex wife for 15 years..married for 10 and have 3 kids..we seperated of oct 2015 so its 14 months ago now..the reason of what she told for us splitting up was..me not doing anything hahaha..and that she doesnt love me and there is no spark there...it was our first major hurdle in our marriage and i didnt get a second chance at fixing things and getting that spark back and saving our family..she told me she wanted a divorce at the beggining of the break and still has not yet filed...i am confused as to why she hasnt yet ?? (any ideas)..i know she is in a new relationship as to what i gather has been for 7 months now the main reason to why i went nc..not that im bothered by it much nowadays as im doing great and concerntrate on me and my kids..i do love my wife and care about her very much i allways will...im happy on my own for now..im just confused is to why she hasnt filed after 14 months and in a new relationship..i did tell her that she would have to file if its what she wanted because i arnt filing for something i dont want because my vows mean alot to me... Any advice or ideas to why ?? Thanks in advance xx Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 She separated to try out a new man but isn't filing in case he doesn't work out. You are her plan B. Get some repect for yourself and file. What good are your vows when she doesn't have any? You're in love with how you have her pictured in your mind not who she is. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 She separated to try out a new man but isn't filing in case he doesn't work out. You are her plan B. Get some repect for yourself and file. What good are your vows when she doesn't have any? You need to work on your codependency. You're in love with how you have her pictured in your mind not who she is. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Not filing can be for uncountable reasons. For example, not understanding how divorce works or not knowing anything about the law or even being aware of the existence of courts or a formal process (watch a man on the street video). On the other hand not filing can be a result of knowing exactly how the law and formal process works. Even with all the relationship and financial specifics, really only a local attorney familiar with the ins and outs of how things are handled in your location could answer the probabilities of this kind of strategic tactical question (filing/not) in the context of how things are handled where you are. I would move on to what I consider a more important question. The most important question is your current time with the kids. This sets precedent. Learn the word precedent. Precedent means what is established, has been accepted, or has happened repeatedly in the past. The courts consider that what the kids are used to is in their best interest to continue. The current default equals the precedent for the future. Spend as much time as you can with the kids and document it. Keep a journal and if you have a camera, turn the time/date stamp on. Consult with local attorneys in your area. The first consultation should be free. ... I'm not an attorney. My statements are personal opinion from personal experience. Consider it like something you read somewhere on the internet, which actually is what it is. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Webb0108 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Not filing can be for uncountable reasons. For example, not understanding how divorce works or not knowing anything about the law or even being aware of the existence of courts or a formal process (watch a man on the street video). On the other hand not filing can be a result of knowing exactly how the law and formal process works. Even with all the relationship and financial specifics, really only a local attorney familiar with the ins and outs of how things are handled in your location could answer the probabilities of this kind of strategic tactical question (filing/not) in the context of how things are handled where you are. I would move on to what I consider a more important question. The most important question is your current time with the kids. This sets precedent. Learn the word precedent. Precedent means what is established, has been accepted, or has happened repeatedly in the past. The courts consider that what the kids are used to is in their best interest to continue. The current default equals the precedent for the future. Spend as much time as you can with the kids and document it. Keep a journal and if you have a camera, turn the time/date stamp on. Consult with local attorneys in your area. The first consultation should be free. ... I'm not an attorney. My statements are personal opinion from personal experience. Consider it like something you read somewhere on the internet, which actually is what it is. . Thanks for the advice..i understand what you are saying..its just working things out in my own head as in what to do as like you say its understanding how to deal with ...ive been through it myself when my parents seperated and i was young and i know the effects it had on me and my brothers and it kind of still does..all the choices we had to make as kids where to go..who to spend certain days with..feeling like the choice you make will effect the other parent etc i think that has more to do with the way i think as i dont want my kids feel that way..i know it carnt be helped sometimes its just a struggle at times...especially when my youngest asks me everytime he comes when am i coming home and i carnt answer as i dont want to hurt his feelings its a cruel world lol..thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I can understand trying to hang on for the kids. I did the same thing for five years longer than I should have. In the end, living in a household where their father and I weren't happy together, was destroying them as well. Living in the tension of a broken home, and the fights, was causing depression and anxiety in them. I can tell you it does get easier for the kids. My kids are happy now, things are smoother and easier in the house without the worries of what will happen next. Sometimes divorce is the best thing for the whole family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Webb0108 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I can understand trying to hang on for the kids. I did the same thing for five years longer than I should have. In the end, living in a household where their father and I weren't happy together, was destroying them as well. Living in the tension of a broken home, and the fights, was causing depression and anxiety in them. I can tell you it does get easier for the kids. My kids are happy now, things are smoother and easier in the house without the worries of what will happen next. Sometimes divorce is the best thing for the whole family. There was no arguement. Or fights (bickering yes ) nor was there any affairs etc it was more i think we was comfortable in our life and we took each other for granted...im not blaming my kids in anyway its just we lived for them too go work and provide for them and give them everything they needed so in the process we lost each other... Im not really hanging on i have been on dates just wasnt the right person i suppose whether that was me or it was actually no common interests with them i dont know i just know im happy in myself and on my own i know the right person will come along eventually..i can wait as i dont like to rush things..and that might be why im not in no rush to file myself i suppose if the rightbperson came along it would be different i dont know..just wondered why she hadnt after all this time...thank you again.. Link to post Share on other sites
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Wow, things seem confusing in this situation with your wife. Maybe there is something to this that could work out for all of you-your children, your wife, and yourself? Only time will tell. Is she open to counseling and working on developing a good relationship with you? It sounds like you might be open to this idea as you stated that you love her and your kids. Its possible that having seen what is out there, she can see that you two had a good thing and she should hang on to it instead of chasing after something or someone new. You never know until you explore the relationship with her, and for added insurance, a counselor would be a good idea. Then you both have some fresh eyes on the situation and can get some perspective from an unbiased third party. There are families that do reunite successfully after a break, so if that's a possibility for you two I would check it out. Below is a list of good resources for finding a good marriage counselor and some other helpful info that I hope can be of some use to you in this situation. I'm praying for you and your family ~Blessings and Peace to you Friend! When You Need A Comforting Voice | A Listly List Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 im just confused is to why she hasnt filed after 14 months and in a new relationship..i did tell her that she would have to file if its what she wanted because i arnt filing for something i dont want because my vows mean alot to me... How is she your ex-wife if no one's filed? Regardless, were it me, I'd want to move on after 14 months. Vows don't matter much if one spouse has left the building. If that meant I had to be the first one at the courthouse, so be it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 The worst thing you can do is not control you're own life. You can't make someone do anything but you seem to have gotten to a good place. You may not want a divorce but it's coming up on two years. IMO you need to file. There is no marriage left at this point. I would bet she iniated the separation and most of the time it's to try out someone else. It's your life don't waste it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 What are the terms of the separation, Money, dating, custody? details please. They all become a starting point in the divorce settlement. What are you doing to address the issues she mentioned and improve yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
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