Do I Move On For Good This Time?

[Tk123]

Hey all. It has been awhile since I've posted here but I am in desperate need of other opinions right now as I have no idea what to do or think of the current situation I am in. I apologize in advance if this is a long read.

 

I met my ex-girlfriend when we were both in college. The relationship was bittersweet in that when she came home for school breaks, we were neighbors and when she would go back to school, we would be 4 hours apart. We have been together for over three years, I'm now 23 and graduated, she is 22 and will be graduating in the Spring. We shared a lot of memories over our three year relationship; our families get along with one another and both sides think the world of the two of us.

 

This is my first major relationship with a woman. I guess you could say I was a "late-bloomer". She has had quite a few previous relationships with other men however, she told me she never knew what "true love" was until she met me.

 

The problem (something that has always been the problem since the one year mark), is the fact that we cannot see eye-to-eye on the future. She wants to be married by now, wants a house and a kid. I am still unemployed looking for a full-time job, and I told her I am not financially stable enough to move onto those things as I would not feel comfortable being able to support us in my current financial state.

 

Conversations like the one in the paragraph above, would come up CONSTANTLY in our relationship. In fact, the future has been the ONLY thing we argued about throughout our relationship. Some days she has gone as far as sending me links to engagement rings that she would love to have, or houses that we could buy together and fix up and move into.

 

Over the course of our three year relationship, I let her have her way with me; until yesterday. The conversation came up again about the future. I told her "I am not ready for those things". She replies with "I have a feeling you'll never be ready". I reassured her that I will, I am just trying to figure some things out financially and land a full-time job.

 

The conversation went on for about an hour and that's when I had enough. I told her "Look, I love you to death and I DO see a future with you, however, if you don't like the pace I'm moving at, you can leave me."

 

Sure enough, she left me.

 

Almost two hours after calling me and telling me that we were done, she text me begging for forgiveness. She wanted me to be with her again. She told me things like "I was the best thing that ever happened to her", "Whoever gets you will be lucky", etc.

 

When I asked her about the marriage questions and buying a home discussions, she told me that she can no longer buy a home until a year of showing a steady job. This means that she will be living at home with her family for a year while working. She claims that she doesn't want to be engaged while living with her parents, so the questions will stop coming up. Can I believe this though?

 

I'd like to end with this: I trust this woman very much and have a mind full of memories throughout the three years we have been together. We have taken small breaks over this same topic (the future) before . Things go back to normal for awhile, then a few months later, she is back at it with her questions.

 

This was my first serious relationship. My friends and family think that I should move on from her and see what else is out there. However, it is hard to walk away from someone who has been in your life for a few years and who you have shared many memories with just to move on. What do you think Loveshack?

 

Thank you in advance to those that take the time to read and reply to this. It truly means a lot to me.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Tk123

[PegNosePete]

I think she had unrealistic expectations. As do many people in her youthful age group. There's a lot of pressure to get married, buy a house, have kids etc. It's perceived as normal in the media and shoved in our faces everywhere we turn. A lot of people buy into those expectations and if someone can't provide them, they move on, constantly looking for someone who can give them the world on a golden plate. And when they hit 30 they realise they had unrealistic expectations and wasted their youth and countless opportunities chasing an impossible dream.

 

But now she seems to have come to her senses. She may have realised it's unrealistic. Maybe she talked to a mortgage broker who told her there's not a chance of borrowing money without a good credit history and suitable income levels, and that brought her down to earth.

 

I would give it another go. But make sure she really has come down to earth. If not then you'll just be wasting your time...

[Tk123]

Thank you for the response!

 

I understand that the media definitely has a big part in this mindset, and I am very well aware that this is a common thought process for a lot of young women lately.

 

What kills me is this is the only thing we argue about. While it is the only thing we argue about, the fights seemed to have happen constantly when we were together.

 

She comes home for in the Spring after she graduates, and we've essentially gotten through a long-distance relationship for a few years. Maybe things will be different once she's home for good and we see each other every day?

 

Again I appreciate your response, I definitely have some thinking to do before I just take her back with the chance that these arguments will occur a few months down the road.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for the response!

 

I understand that the media definitely has a big part in this mindset, and I am very well aware that this is a common thought process for a lot of young women lately.

 

What kills me is this is the only thing we argue about. While it is the only thing we argue about, the fights seemed to have happen constantly when we were together.

 

She comes home for in the Spring after she graduates, and we've essentially gotten through a long-distance relationship for a few years. Maybe things will be different once she's home for good and we see each other every day?

 

Again I appreciate your response, I definitely have some thinking to do before I just take her back with the chance that these arguments will occur a few months down the road.

 

I think if the right guy comes along... she will leave you.

[mystificatecg]

I agree with Sweetfish,

 

She also is trying to use material things and a certain future to make herself happy. She's delusional. Only she can make herself happy. Watch Noah Elkrief's video on happiness.

 

Also, ghost her and move on. Your family and friends are right.

[Lauradlou]

[FONT=verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=#000000]I am sorry, situations like these are never easy! [/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=#000000]I think that you have two options: 1)Take a break for now, and, if in a year or two you have a steady job and want to pursue the future, then do so. This will give you both time to be apart and figure out what you really want. 2) If you do see a future with her and DO want to be with her for sure, then get back together. I would suggest getting a job as soon as possible and make those dreams happen for the two of you. Best of luck! Praying for you.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Tk123]

Thank you all for the responses. It has really helped in my decision making of moving on for good (for now) and experiencing life a little more to see what else is out there.

 

Just a little update for those of you who are interested:

 

I've been trying to go the no contact route despite getting a text or call from her daily.

 

She mailed me back all of my stuff (clothing, jewelry I have given her over the years, etc), and when I opened the box, there was an envelope at the top with my name on it. Inside the envelope, was a three page hand-written paper from her.

 

To sum it up as best as I can, she explains in her letter that she is completely sorry for all the pressure she had put on me in regards to marriage, house hunting, etc. She explains how she is not looking to get me back with this letter but instead, end things on a happier note. She furthers her point by saying she is not looking to hold any personal grudges or blames against me because she has none towards me. She just doesn't want our ending turning into a bitter memory.

 

Towards the end of her paper, she explains how she acted immature about the whole thing and how emotions got the best of her.

 

I another part of the letter, she says: "I want you to know that you will always have a special place in my heart that no one will ever come close to touching; I will always treasure it forever."

 

She says that the only thing she asks for is forgiveness for all the stress and pain that she has caused on myself. She ends her letter with: "I wish you well in life, I really do. I wish we talked and could still be friends, but I know I'm asking for the impossible".

 

Of course, the emotions inside of me that I have been holding in for the whole week finally came out. The letter was extremely well written and showed me a side of her that I haven't seen in a long time.

 

I am trying to stay strong, but I am also a "sensitive" guy I guess for lack of a better term. When she finishes up with school, whether we like it or not, we are still going to be neighbors for a little while (until one of us moves out of the area). I'd love to still be neighborly and friendly with her and her family, as I have nothing against them.

 

Where do I go from here? Part of me wants to just grab a coffee or something with her and keep things on a happy note. Explain to her how I enjoyed her letter and how things don't have to be a "bitter ending", and lastly explain to her that I just need time to get on the right track with my future career before me and her can give it another shot.

 

Do you think this would be more harm done then good?

 

Thank you all again for your responses so far. It truly means a lot to me. I hope you can continue to guide me on this situation.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Tk123

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think seeing her right now would be a good idea, nor serve any real purpose.

 

These types of "let's-end-this-on-a-friendly-note" meetings rarely are as a light and casual as people hope. There are too many raw feelings and sadness knowing this will be the last date you are likely ever to have. And yes, it will still feel like a date because the break-up is fresh.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Maybe in a few months' time it would be more feasible and less painful.

[coolheadal]

Why don't you give her want she wants! It's about what she wants you know! Not what we men want out this. If your serious about her then give her what she wants. You'll get work and money to take care of the child. But it sounds like your not ready for that yet. If so you need to let her go, because all she wants right now it to marry you (excellent) and she wants to have your child (excellent) you have a perfect girlfriend there. Why in the world don't you give what she ask you from you. When they ask like this you shouldn't even thing twice. But I see after reading everything your scare of the fact. She's not the girl for you then you want to go on as normal. But in this case she has other plans.

[Tk123]

I don't think seeing her right now would be a good idea, nor serve any real purpose.

 

These types of "let's-end-this-on-a-friendly-note" meetings rarely are as a light and casual as people hope. There are too many raw feelings and sadness knowing this will be the last date you are likely ever to have. And yes, it will still feel like a date because the break-up is fresh.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Maybe in a few months' time it would be more feasible and less painful.

 

Thank you for this.

 

I texted her earlier letting her know I got the stuff and thanked her for the letter.

 

After a few text messages back and forth, she was back to her old ways and was trying to blame me for everything and how I "F***ed" everything up.

 

Sounds like those words on the paper that were drenched in her perfume were really meaningless.

 

Definitely going to stick to my guns and go the no contact route after what went down today.

 

I really do appreciate all of the help from everyone who has contributed to this thread. Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

Have a conversation with her about money. A serious one.

 

Talk about what it will cost to have a wedding, even a courthouse wedding costs money. She is probably envisioning the very expensive fairy tale.

 

Talk about living expenses especially rent in your area, gas, phone bills, cable, health insurance etc. Ask what her plan to pay all of those bills is. Until you can both pay for those things, getting married is out of the question. Having kids is courting disaster.

 

If she still thinks you can "live on love" let her go build her castle in the sky with some other sucker. You continue to focus on getting a job.

[AT15]

This is how you ruin a good relationship with a perfectly great guy. :-(.

 

She will regret this. I feel bad for, but then I don't.

[Sweetfish]

Why don't you give her want she wants! It's about what she wants you know! Not what we men want out this. If your serious about her then give her what she wants. You'll get work and money to take care of the child. But it sounds like your not ready for that yet. If so you need to let her go, because all she wants right now it to marry you (excellent) and she wants to have your child (excellent) you have a perfect girlfriend there. Why in the world don't you give what she ask you from you. When they ask like this you shouldn't even thing twice. But I see after reading everything your scare of the fact. She's not the girl for you then you want to go on as normal. But in this case she has other plans.

 

:laugh: I really hope your joking.