verbally abusive mother - Im done - need parents point of view

[Nadine123]

Hi everyone

 

I usually post in this form for love related stuff but Ive really hit a breaking point right now. Im 26.

 

I have always had issues with my mum. She comes from a strict background so lets say she didnt really approve many of the things I did before. I grew up, stopped it with all the excessive partying, and spent the past few years trying to build my relationship with her.

 

Nothing works, she flips out over nothing and calls me the worst things. Things like you're crazy, you're mentally sick, you will never be successful in life, God hates you because you make me mad, etc. I tried ignoring these things because she is old, diabetic, and sick.

 

For the past few days, I realized that every time I speak to her she would say things like go away I have a headache, or she holds her head as if her head is hurting her, or she tells me to stop talking because she isnt in the mood. What hurt me the most is that she doesnt act this way with anyone else. This hurt my feelings so I went to her room and told her politely, Im travelling in five days so if Im bothering you so much lets not speak for now. This is when she went into a half an hour rant of screaming. Literally screaming and its 2 am here right now.

 

She calls me the worst things in the planet and proceeds to tell me father how im the reason why she is sick and miserable. That im crazy and that i cursed at her so I tell her that all i said was that its better that we dont talk. This is when she says that it isnt up to me if we talk or not, and who the hell do I think I am. Legit half an hour or cursing and calling me the worst things in the world. She also brings up old topics like how i used to party alot (dont ask why). This happened a month ago as well and I left the house and stayed at an hotel for a couple of days until she calms down.

 

Im at a point now where Im shaking in my room from how angry and hurt I am at her. I dont even smoke and I had a cigarette to calm down. Im a point now were I think that a relationship with her will never happen and that I shouldnt speak to her again. There is alot more but I cant really type properly right nowso sorry for all the typos.

[dragonfly23]

It sounds to me that there is an underlying issue there, and your mom might not even be aware of it. Maybe you should think about moving out. Even thou you are an adult, if you are still living under the same roof, she will most likely feel like she has to be the parent. You both need a break from each other.

[Nadine123]

Im travelling most of the time and the only reason I come back is to spend time with my parents.

 

There is no underlying issue and even if there is, does this justify how she acts? Im confused.

[mightycpa]

Wow Nadine. Problems with the exes, problems with the parents, problems, problems, problems. You are either a drama queen or a magnet for problems. Only you know which one!

 

If you only visit, then go say goodbye and end your visit. You haven't said much about your father, whether you like seeing him or not, so that would be a consideration about whether you'd cut things off or not.

 

So, some practical advice:

 

Don't stay at their home, stay at a hotel. Or don't come home at all.

Announce that you're never coming back, or you'll only visit when invited.

Visit in neutral, public place, like a restaurant; never at home.

If possible, pay for your Dad to visit you instead of you visiting him. If your mother complains, tell her it is all you can afford.

[Nadine123]

Ive had issues with my parents for the past 15 years. There are people who post here about several ex's they've dated and had issues with.This doesnt mean they're drama queens or problem magnets. I dont understand from what I posted how I could be any of both. I have amazing friends and a very successful career.

 

If I was a drama queen, I would be engaging with my ex and my mother right now, but the fact that I decided to walk away from both shows that Im not. That wasnt really nice of you to say.

 

My father will always stick with my mum.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Nadine123

[mightycpa]

Ive had issues with my parents for the past 15 years. There are people who post here about several ex's they've dated and had issues with.This doesnt mean they're drama queens or problem magnets. I dont understand from what I posted how I could be any of both. I have amazing friends and a very successful career.

 

If I was a drama queen, I would be engaging with my ex and my mother right now, but the fact that I decided to walk away from both shows that Im not. That wasnt really nice of you to say.

 

My father will always stick with my mum.

I didn't mean to imply anything. Maybe you're just having a streak of good luck lately. Anyway, 15 years seems like a long time, if their have been no peaceful breaks in between.

[barcode88]

Wow, you need to cut her out of your life. That is not normal or healthy behavior from a parent.

[Ronni_W]

Im a point now were I think that a relationship with her will never happen and...

Hugs, Nadine123.

I'm not sure if the following two articles will be of interest -- 'Free yourself from the difficult people in your life' and 'Foundational teachings on dealing with negative people' -- because they are from a spiritual perspective.

 

Proper and healthy emotional detachment from especially our mother can be very difficult and challenging -- what with all the guilt and second-guessing our own self and trying to make excuses for them and their poor attitude and bad behaviour.

 

It isn't easy; I do wish you the very best in your efforts and success.

Ronni

[BettyDraper]

I have a mother like this. I've learned to distance myself and keep her at arm's length. When my realized that I would cut her out of my life if she kept being insulting and cruel, she started to change the way she interacted with me. Since my mother is a volatile woman, I still protect myself and limit contact with her.

 

It might be time for you to stop coming home for a long period. If your mother insists on being awful and your father doesn't care about your feelings, then exposing yourself to your mother's toxic behavior will only hurt you in the end. You are not obligated to allow your mother to treat you in this unacceptable manner.

[JamesM]

If it is ONLY with you, then it is something to do with you.

 

Now don't get mad. It is not BECAUSE of you. However, you may not know the history behind "you."

 

When did this all start? What triggers it? Has she always called you negative names even as a little child? Do you feel that your preteen years were "normal?"

 

Was there any accident or possible injury that could have affected her? Does she have any history of mental illness in her family?

 

Being that you are 26, then I am guessing she is in her late forties or early fifties. I am reaching, but could it have anything to do with menopause if this is more recent?

 

Check this link to get a good perspective of how horrible a traumatic brain injury can be. It is an excellent book to read too.

[friendlyfriend]

It seems obvious that you are involved with difficult people. Your mother is a good foil because you have personal conflicts between your desire to have a good mother-daughter experience, but in ends up in a poor relationship between you.

It sounds like your 'better angel' would like to have a calmer, less combative, more honoring relationship. On the other hand, she pushes your biggest buttons.

 

I would suggest that you get a 'mind-heart' set that you want to show her you love her by being available to her at some level, and yet protect yourself from being abused. If that is true, I think you should set a very structured time with her (like an hour) where you go and just talk about whatever she wants to talk about, as if you were her attendant....pleasant but superficial, but not going there to get your needs met in any other way, other than being a 'good daughter' to her. When she rants at you, distance yourself mentally and just let it slide by as if its not personal. Be sure to set a time limit for which you can be this forth-giving. Then, excuse yourself, tell her you'll come back, and feel successful in 'giving her' good attention despite her lack in giving it back to you. Your satisfaction is that you did a good job of focusing on her needs and not expecting or needing anything from her. You were a good, honorable daughter to her. Success!

 

I would also think it would be good for you to join a therapy group where you could get some feedback on the impact on others as to your style, attitudes, and behavior, as 'problem people' seem to follow you into relationships. That you want to have an honoring relationship with your mother in this situation is very commendable, and takes a good heart and courage.

[Tayla]

Well said Friendly!

 

It's imperative that the OP gain emotional fortitude and healthy methods to deter this parents assaults.

 

I can't emphasize enough that it's a huge task to regroup, re establish skills that dissipate such encounters. I rarely encourage " divorcing" our relatives unless it's detrimental to survival. And that is a broad definition to some.

I sincerely support the OP in getting some distance and strength to be at peace.

[Madame_Noire]

Your mother sounds like mine, where she says I need therapy. Usually people who say that to others have underlying mental health problems themselves. There is mental illness on my mother's side of the family.

 

I think both mine and your mother have narcissistic personality disorders. I found this.....

 

mothers with narcissistic personality disorder

[Miss Clavel]

omg, it sounds like she's got menopause or a brain tumor. esp. holding her head all the time.

 

otherwise, she's a rage-a-holic. when she starts screaming just lie and say that you can see that she's "not herself" or "not feeling well" and you're leaving because you love her and you're sure that she is going to feel so bad about what she's saying. then leave.

 

please do not take what she says to you to heart. her feelings are not facts and clearly she's got some health issue. i know it's hard. i still have a "sore spot" in my heart over something my father said to me over 50 years ago.

 

if you cant leave and stay gone, because you love her or you miss her then go and see her. but...once she starts with the personal attacks, it's my strict policy to get personal right back. if someone says something mean to me and it's a personal attack on my looks, character or personality, the gloves come off. i don't take that ****. and you shouldn't either.

 

if she says you are not successful, just say, "oh, and you are?" then list her failings, starting with the fact that she can't even be in the same room with her daughter without going ape **** on her. if she says no one will love you or marry you or any other painful bull**** then just say, "i understand how that can happen because right now i'm not sure i love you either".

 

tit for tat.

 

show her how it feels to hear these mean made up lies. if she says anything that hurts you then tell her, "i'm embarrassed by you to the point that i'd never want to be seen with you and when people ask me about my family, i tell them you're dead" follow this up, (after she reacts like a car just hit her) with "that hurts, doesn't it, that's how i feel when you talk to me the way you do".

 

do one more thing, just for me, slam the **** out of the door as you leave.

 

she needs help. tell her that. tell her you are perfectly willing to go to HER therapist with her but you won't be seeing her or talking to her again until the doctor calls you with the address for his office and the hour of the appointment.

 

do not participate anymore.

 

e.n.