Deal Breaker? 2 years later?

[drifter777]

I really hate to say how hard this will be for me. I have financially set myself for a comfortable retirement and have no debt. She also has a very good income.

 

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

I was going to tell her next week that I am going to move out and distance myself from her. This is going to destroy her.

 

Your projecting here. Whenever we do this our mind paints the worst possible picture. Will it "destroy" her today any more than it would have 5 years ago? Or 20 years ago? $h!t happens in life and there are consequences for the decisions we make and the things we do.

 

Don't hold yourself back because of how you think she feels. Your emotional state and future well being are worth something too. I like your idea and comment about "distancing yourself". You've been with her many years and detachment isn't easy. Of course nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You will feel scared and lonely for the first week or so but then you will gradually become accustomed to your new routine. Notice that after a couple weeks you simply don't think about her much and you are actually feeling much better. You'll still have a ways to go but you will definitely be on your way...

[surprised32]

what I really question is what changed and why? we are both respectable parents that supported our kids in sports. we were coaches board members etc. we both hated cheaters lairs thief's etc.

 

i never really touched or looked at other women. She could careless about other guys. We were totally into each other. We are both thin attractive and successful.

 

It seems we only started having any issues at around age 50. Why?

[Mr. Lucky]

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

Others may feel differently but choices between finances/material things vs happiness/peace of mind should be pretty easy to make.

 

One of those two things is pretty easy to replace. As you've found out during your marriage, the other not so much...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

She may be a model wife now but why does it take taking your husband for granted and banging other men.

 

The camel's back has been broken by the cheating straw not once but twice, no shame in saying you tried but the stigma of what she did still remains and it's haunting you.

 

Do what you need to do. The world was harsh when she cheated. The world is harsh now.

 

Consequences.

[oldshirt]

what I really question is what changed and why? we are both respectable parents that supported our kids in sports. we were coaches board members etc. we both hated cheaters lairs thief's etc.

 

i never really touched or looked at other women. She could careless about other guys. We were totally into each other. We are both thin attractive and successful.

 

It seems we only started having any issues at around age 50. Why?

 

There is a chance she has always tore off some extra on the side when the opportunities presented themselves, but since you were busy raising minor children and were board members etc etc, she put in more effort and diligence in covering her tracks.

 

Being a few weeks shy of 53 myself, I can say with some certainty that a lot of the things you cared about in younger times, aren't such a big deal and you don't worry about it as much now. And simply doing what you want to do without worrying about what other people think takes a higher priority.....especially with woman.

 

I know that is a somewhat sexist comment, but it is also true. When middle aged women's children leave the nest, they care less about what the neighbors think and in many ways less concerned about their husbnads and marriages as well. They may have spent 20-30 years being dutiful wives and doting mothers, but there comes a point where they care less about playing by any rules or taking care of others and start turning their energies to their own indulgences.

 

Men's midlife crisis may involve red corvettes and 22 year old blonds in an attempt to hang on to their virility and masculinity and sexual prowess.

 

Women's midlife crisis can often be more about hanging up their care-taker hat and start indulging their own desires.

 

She may have been the perfect devoted wife and mother for all those years and is now indulging her more selfish side. Or maybe she has always skimmed a little on the side, but put more effort into covering her tracks.

 

But either way, she is treating you with great disrespect and dishonesty now and is trying to hold on to you, not out of desire, but so that you can be her care-taker.

[BluesPower]

surprised32, I just hate to say this is some ways...

 

I am a BS like you and a very WS. Your wife has issues as you well know.

 

My wife has issues that I cannot fix, stuff that is worse than an affair in my opinion.

 

I think today after about, 2 months she finally got the message that it was over.

 

The thing that you have to realize is that she has had more affairs than you know about, with out a doubt, She has trickle trothed you to no end. She is still doing that. How can you say that she is transparent???

 

Now if you two want to just live in the same house and see who you want, yeah, you can do that. But you don't sound like a guy that is up for that, so you have to divorce her.

 

I felt the same way about my wife and I stayed and took care of her and it was the worst mistake of my life. I have wasted at least 15 years of my life taking care of a woman that I loved and she turned out to be a junkie.

 

Never mind her affairs, she was a secret junkie for 20 years of our 26 year marriage.

 

How's that for a kick in the nuts.

 

Just divorce and move on, you deserve to be happy.

[oldshirt]

I really hate to say how hard this will be for me. I have financially set myself for a comfortable retirement and have no debt. She also has a very good income.

 

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

I was going to tell her next week that I am going to move out and distance myself from her. This is going to destroy her.

 

I agree with the above poster who said this will not destroy her at all. Picking up men does not seem to be an issue for her. As long as she puts out, there will always be other guys in line to do her bidding. (a wise person once, "as long as a woman has a vagina and is willing to use it, she will never starve.")

 

The question here is are YOU willing to be her care-taker and errand boy after the way she has been treating you?

 

Will you actually be able to be an effective care taker and support for her with your feelings towards her or are the resentments and bitterness' building up too much for you to be an effective help for her?

 

Are you capable of divorcing her, moving on with your own life and doing your own thing - but still willing and able to lend her a helping hand if she needs a ride to an appointment or someone to pick up a load of groceries on the way home? In otherwords, would you be able to divorce and move on, but yet still be a compassionate friend willing to lend a hand to someone in need periodically?

[aliveagain]

Friend there is only one answer as to why they do these things to us, because they want to. They have to weigh and consider what the worst possible outcome might be if their caught yet they still went through with it and in your case more then once. The excitement was worth losing you and her marriage. She is a grown adult woman that knows right from wrong. Treat her with the same respect she has shown you. Please talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. She is not the woman you married.

[bigman1]

The twists and lies you mentioned in your first post and the fact that she's unwell do not matter, unless you want to R. Those are her issues to work out.

 

If it was a deal breaker, then it was. Make your move. If you are not sure, get a clear head, then do whatever seems right at the time.

 

There is no easy way to leave someone you love but who you can't stay married to because of infidelity. You just grit your teeth and jump. No countdown, no waiting till the time is "right" cause there is no definition of "right time", there is just right now. Or there is as soon as you have the logistics worked out in where you go. Better yet, get a lawyer and have them tell you how to jump so as to minimize the legal consequences and then jump.

[Clay]

I would divorce her. I think you have time left in your life to find better women that will cherish you. It sounds like you have been a really decent person to her even with her affairs. She is showing you all this now because she is seeing the writing on the wall. She knows at her age finding a great man will be seriously hard to find. This is call regret.

 

I would see a lawyer first and get things lined up before I talked to her. I would also sleep in another bed away from her once you do this. I would even consider asking her to stay someplace else until the divorce is final.

 

I am really sorry your going through this.

 

C

[surprised32]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

[surprised32]

I used to be a very loving, fun, easy-going, affectionate, self-confident lady. I moved to the USA for his career & confidence. He was trapped in a dead-end job & suffered with depression.

 

12 years ago he had an affair with a coworker & it totally destroyed me. We had been together since I was 21. He watched me shatter. I lost way more of myself than I ever realized at the time. It changed me in so many ways but like you, we reconciled. I became more like my old happy self.

 

THEN he did it to me again!!

 

It's not about the infidelity. I could get over that! It's the fact that the man who professes to love me so deeply can (knowing the utter devastation) make the deliberate, calculated choice, to put me through that AGAIN!!

 

She is PROVEN capable, knowing the emotional & mental consequences to YOU, of doing this AGAIN!! People have questioned why now, after 2 years, are you still feeling this anger? I understand. I completely get-it!

 

At the time d-day hits we go into shock. Then we go through the stages of grief. At the time there's unimaginable pain & rage but for survival we fight to get back our lives. As time passes & we are supposed to "get over it" the reality & resentments truly hit & it's horrific!!!

 

Now it's time for YOU to be selfish. It's time for YOU to take care of YOU. Time is on your side. There's no need to decide today what you really need to find peace & contentment in your life. Really focus on your needs. If you want to stay married what do you need to be happy? Can you ever honestly process what she has done to you REPEATEDLY & live a happy life?

 

My question to you is: Are you still married?

[drifter777]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

We have no financial reason for advising you like MC's do so you will get our honest opinions. The chances of reconciling with a serial cheater are near zero.

 

You certainly can remain married but, like I said above, you need to understand that she's gonna cheat and you are not going to stop it.

Finally, if you cannot face the thought of living without her then just accept she is a cheat and ask her to do a better job hiding it. Tell her you don't want to know about her escapades and maybe she shouldn't ask you about yours. You can work on this in marriage counseling as many married couples take this route. They won't divorce but they won't stop the nookie on the side so they need to learn how to live with this situation. Maybe this can work for you.

 

Of course this in no way is "reconciling". It is simply tolerance.

Edited January 24, 2017 by drifter777

[Oberfeldwebel]

To forgive someone there are some prerequisites, the person must confess and be contrite. If a person is sorry that they have hurt you is not enough, they have to confess. Without it, they lie and therefore the affair continues.

[S2B]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

I think more folks would be talking R IF your wife was truly doing everything in her power to OFFER you complete honesty...AND if she hadn't done it again... BUT, she had a first chance to say oops I made a big mistake and I will never do it again...but she hasn't - she cheated again!

 

And that means she will do it again. Your best indicator of your future is the past. She didn't change when the chance was there - she's not likely to change now or anytime.

 

This IS who she is...a cheater.

 

Now...changing your future is only up to you.

 

You want to live each day knowing she will cheat again? Or you want some peace of mind moving forward?

 

I'm 55, divorced after being together 25 years...this is an awesome life. No more worries about him disrespecting and disregarding me.

 

Life will be fine if you realize you get a chance to be worry free moving forward.

[turnera]

I confronted her about them and she broke down crying. Then of course all the lies started. The trickle truth has been pretty consistent for at least a year and a half. The only things she admits are the times and places that have proof and cannot be argued.

 

She also had a previous emotional and possible physical affair 5 years prior with a high school crush

 

My issues 2 years later is that she is very, very unhealthy I spent over 1 month in the hospital and physical rehab with her and I feel that I am abandoning her if I leave now.

 

This may be a game changer for me .

She doesn't fess up because she doesn't have to. You're still there.

 

The more you help her, the more she doesn't have to be an honorable woman with integrity.

 

Walk away. Tell her she is welcome to try to prove to you that she can earn your trust again. But for now, you won't.

[ShatteredLady]

My question to you is: Are you still married?

 

 

Good question. VERY good question. Yes I am still married. It's been about 18 months since the final d-day when I found some of the messages confirming that they were NOT 'just friends'.

 

It was the usual gaslight & trickle truth.

 

The hardest thing I'm trying to wrap my head around is, how could he put me through this AGAIN?!? I believed that he felt true remorse the first time but how could he?

 

My 'story' is in some of my recent posts.

 

I do believe that reconciliation is possible if you truly love your partner & they are 100% in the marriage.

I don't believe the old 'once a cheater, always a cheater' based on very clear evidence (even on this forum).

I know that severe illness can really change (often ground) a person. I have poor health myself & know that it has amplified my focus on family & what's truly important in life.

Things like family & history are far more important to some people.

 

Recovery is a very individual thing. Do you believe that your wife's infidelity would be any less painful if you divorced? To be completely honest with you, I only think of divorce (for ME) as a punishment. Sometimes I want my husband to REALLY hurt so he can understand how much he's hurt me. Following that logic...if divorcing him is the most pain inducing thing I can think of inflicting on him we've got a lot going for us!!

 

Warning - I flip-flop on how I feel frequently! I'm completely overwhelmed by EVERYTHING that's going-on in my life lately.

[ShatteredLady]

.....and I DON'T believe in karma!

 

I've come to the conclusion that revenge is a really bad idea. I'm glad I decided that before I did anything. I'm sorry that you didn't. Do you think that confession would help you exorcise your demons?

[oldlion]

You have had a long time together. She made some bad decisions and you made a couple of bad ones yourself. The karma bus has hit her health wise. She appears remorseful , has seen what she has done to you, says she loves you and looks as though it is you she chooses. You are set for a good retirement and a good life if you are together. To top it off, you say you still love her. So with that said, you have to ask yourself some questions and answer them truthfully. If you do so then you will have your decision. Do you REALLY love her? Do you believe her when she says she loves you and will not hurt you again? Do you think you have the wife back emotionally and committed that you had 10 years ago? Do you think she will step out of the marriage again? And lastly, will you be happier and your life better off without her than it will be with her? Try not to feed your today with the thoughts of past wrongs. You are in a position that if she fails you again you can always leave. Sometimes we are so concerned with what has happened and what could happen that we miss the good that is happening now. I wish you well.

Edited January 25, 2017 by oldlion

[whichwayisup]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

One affair is forgivable, it takes a strong and special person to stick with it work though it and give their spouse a 2nd chance. Some people can't and infidelity is a deal breaker aka separation/divorce immediately. It takes a really special person to forgive TWO affairs.

[oldshirt]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. .

 

Marriage counselors are paid to keep people married. Just because someone doesn't divorce, does not mean that they are in a healthy situation or that they are the least bit happy or in a good place. It simply means that they have been duped or pressured into remaining is a situation that may be bad for them.

 

There is a thing called the "Reconciliation Industrial Complex and it is a multimillion dollar industry that sells books and journals, hosts expensive workshops and encounter groups and employs 10s of thousands of counselors and therapists that teach mind games and word puzzles to keep people from walking away from situations where they are being used and exploited and manipulated.

 

There are a few situations where people might benefit down the road by reconciling. The first few steps of those however require the WS to be fundamentally good character and requires them to truly feel sincere remorse for their actions and to realize that they made a big mistake and then they make the commitment to doing all the heavy lifting to repair the damage and insure that they never do it again.

 

Your wife doesn't have that.

 

She is not a good reconciliation candidate. There is no benefit to you to continue being married to her. Therefor there is no reason for us to encourage reconciliation.

 

We have no financial stake in your marriage. We have no affiliation or vested interest in you remaining with her. We have no alliance or affiliation with her.

 

You on the other hand came here asking us for help and what we think would be in your best interest. From what I can see, your wife is a serial cheater who lies and gaslights and deceives you for years and is now wanting you to help her with her illness.

 

I don't see how that will benefit you or contribute to your well being or best interests, so I do not recommend reconciliation for you.

 

Her mother may have a vested interest in you taking care of her, but I am not her mother.

[WilyWill]

I do not believe she is capable of this again.

 

I imagine that's what you believed after her first affair as well. So we, as objective outsiders, are worried about you making the same misjudgment again. If you do reconcile, it has to be the result of her REALLY making an important realization this time and a REAL change in herself. Not just another of her throwaway promises. Sometimes the only way to achieve this is to walk right up to the edge of the divorce cliff.

[JS84]

what I really question is what changed and why? we are both respectable parents that supported our kids in sports. we were coaches board members etc. we both hated cheaters lairs thief's etc.

 

i never really touched or looked at other women. She could careless about other guys. We were totally into each other. We are both thin attractive and successful.

 

It seems we only started having any issues at around age 50. Why?

 

It's quite possible a lot of the morals you think you two shared, you projected some of them onto her. It's also not uncommon for people to rag on cheaters only to become one. Your situation is not unique. Your wife or her behavior is not unique. You may never even get a why. Especially since it sounds like there's a lot you probably aren't even aware of.

 

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

Well first of all your wife is a serial cheater. They rarely change and their behavior more often than not stems from some deep seeded issue that has to be dealt with in therapy and can take years. And even then it's no gaurantee it will help enough to repair a marriage or certain behaviors.

 

Also your wife never confessed to anything you couldn't prove, catch or figure out. So you can't even be sure what it is you're working past with her, what you should be forgiving her for, or how deep the rabbit hole goes. I would not be surprised if she's cheated on you in the past but was much more low key about it. Whenever I hear your type of story, more often than not it turns out there were a few ONS, an affair with an old boyfriend after a facebook reunion, etc that occurred earlier in the relationship and was just never discovered.

 

I'm really surprised I haven't heard anyone bring up a polygraph. If she's really so willing to do anything and everything then tell her you want a divorce and are moving out. When she starts begging and offering to do whatever to get you to stay, tell her you want her to take a polygraph. At the very least I bet you'll get a parking lot confession of more activities.

 

But really, like others have said you need to stop worrying about your wife so much and start thinking about yourself. It's quite obvious your wife knows how to, believe me she'll be fine. Actually I have a feeling if you guys do divorce, you'll be surprised (and somewhat hurt) by how quickly she bounces back from you.

 

You're really not giving many reasons for why you should be in this marriage or why you should delay leaving it. Her health sounds like its' on the mend and believe me, if what SHE did to YOU didn't destroy YOU, then you leaving the marriage certainly will not destroy HER.

 

You remind me of my best friend who I was just talking with about this tonight. He will drag a dysfunctional unhealthy relationships out until he feels worse and worse and worse and worse. And by the time the relationship finally ends the damage that's been done is so much worse emotionally and mentally for him than if he had just left earlier like he should have when the writing was on the wall.

 

More people aren't telling you to reconcile because from what you've told us, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. It sounds like you're just afraid of divorce which is perfectly normal. But you're not doing yourself any favors letting fear dictate your actions and keeping you in an unhealthy marriage.

Edited January 25, 2017 by JS84

[road]

Surprised 32, you do not have to get past what your WW did.

You get to decide what you can and can not accept. Because

you chose to let the first affair go by and stay does not mean

you have to stay and accept the 2nd affair.

 

 

In the end do you think you will be able to keep her from cheating

ever again?

 

 

Will your life be better or worse without her be your guide.

[Chaparral]

I'm curious as to whether you have looked up serial cheater on the internet. I'm with those that don't believe you know the half of what she has done.

 

Seriously, serial. Cheaters can't change is what is usually found. It's a major character defect. If you stay, you have to be prepared for repeat performances.