Deal Breaker? 2 years later?

[Darren Steez]

She may be a model wife now but why does it take taking your husband for granted and banging other men.

 

The camel's back has been broken by the cheating straw not once but twice, no shame in saying you tried but the stigma of what she did still remains and it's haunting you.

 

Do what you need to do. The world was harsh when she cheated. The world is harsh now.

 

Consequences.

[oldshirt]

what I really question is what changed and why? we are both respectable parents that supported our kids in sports. we were coaches board members etc. we both hated cheaters lairs thief's etc.

 

i never really touched or looked at other women. She could careless about other guys. We were totally into each other. We are both thin attractive and successful.

 

It seems we only started having any issues at around age 50. Why?

 

There is a chance she has always tore off some extra on the side when the opportunities presented themselves, but since you were busy raising minor children and were board members etc etc, she put in more effort and diligence in covering her tracks.

 

Being a few weeks shy of 53 myself, I can say with some certainty that a lot of the things you cared about in younger times, aren't such a big deal and you don't worry about it as much now. And simply doing what you want to do without worrying about what other people think takes a higher priority.....especially with woman.

 

I know that is a somewhat sexist comment, but it is also true. When middle aged women's children leave the nest, they care less about what the neighbors think and in many ways less concerned about their husbnads and marriages as well. They may have spent 20-30 years being dutiful wives and doting mothers, but there comes a point where they care less about playing by any rules or taking care of others and start turning their energies to their own indulgences.

 

Men's midlife crisis may involve red corvettes and 22 year old blonds in an attempt to hang on to their virility and masculinity and sexual prowess.

 

Women's midlife crisis can often be more about hanging up their care-taker hat and start indulging their own desires.

 

She may have been the perfect devoted wife and mother for all those years and is now indulging her more selfish side. Or maybe she has always skimmed a little on the side, but put more effort into covering her tracks.

 

But either way, she is treating you with great disrespect and dishonesty now and is trying to hold on to you, not out of desire, but so that you can be her care-taker.

[BluesPower]

surprised32, I just hate to say this is some ways...

 

I am a BS like you and a very WS. Your wife has issues as you well know.

 

My wife has issues that I cannot fix, stuff that is worse than an affair in my opinion.

 

I think today after about, 2 months she finally got the message that it was over.

 

The thing that you have to realize is that she has had more affairs than you know about, with out a doubt, She has trickle trothed you to no end. She is still doing that. How can you say that she is transparent???

 

Now if you two want to just live in the same house and see who you want, yeah, you can do that. But you don't sound like a guy that is up for that, so you have to divorce her.

 

I felt the same way about my wife and I stayed and took care of her and it was the worst mistake of my life. I have wasted at least 15 years of my life taking care of a woman that I loved and she turned out to be a junkie.

 

Never mind her affairs, she was a secret junkie for 20 years of our 26 year marriage.

 

How's that for a kick in the nuts.

 

Just divorce and move on, you deserve to be happy.

[oldshirt]

I really hate to say how hard this will be for me. I have financially set myself for a comfortable retirement and have no debt. She also has a very good income.

 

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

I was going to tell her next week that I am going to move out and distance myself from her. This is going to destroy her.

 

I agree with the above poster who said this will not destroy her at all. Picking up men does not seem to be an issue for her. As long as she puts out, there will always be other guys in line to do her bidding. (a wise person once, "as long as a woman has a vagina and is willing to use it, she will never starve.")

 

The question here is are YOU willing to be her care-taker and errand boy after the way she has been treating you?

 

Will you actually be able to be an effective care taker and support for her with your feelings towards her or are the resentments and bitterness' building up too much for you to be an effective help for her?

 

Are you capable of divorcing her, moving on with your own life and doing your own thing - but still willing and able to lend her a helping hand if she needs a ride to an appointment or someone to pick up a load of groceries on the way home? In otherwords, would you be able to divorce and move on, but yet still be a compassionate friend willing to lend a hand to someone in need periodically?

[aliveagain]

Friend there is only one answer as to why they do these things to us, because they want to. They have to weigh and consider what the worst possible outcome might be if their caught yet they still went through with it and in your case more then once. The excitement was worth losing you and her marriage. She is a grown adult woman that knows right from wrong. Treat her with the same respect she has shown you. Please talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. She is not the woman you married.

[bigman1]

The twists and lies you mentioned in your first post and the fact that she's unwell do not matter, unless you want to R. Those are her issues to work out.

 

If it was a deal breaker, then it was. Make your move. If you are not sure, get a clear head, then do whatever seems right at the time.

 

There is no easy way to leave someone you love but who you can't stay married to because of infidelity. You just grit your teeth and jump. No countdown, no waiting till the time is "right" cause there is no definition of "right time", there is just right now. Or there is as soon as you have the logistics worked out in where you go. Better yet, get a lawyer and have them tell you how to jump so as to minimize the legal consequences and then jump.

[Clay]

I would divorce her. I think you have time left in your life to find better women that will cherish you. It sounds like you have been a really decent person to her even with her affairs. She is showing you all this now because she is seeing the writing on the wall. She knows at her age finding a great man will be seriously hard to find. This is call regret.

 

I would see a lawyer first and get things lined up before I talked to her. I would also sleep in another bed away from her once you do this. I would even consider asking her to stay someplace else until the divorce is final.

 

I am really sorry your going through this.

 

C

[surprised32]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

[surprised32]

I used to be a very loving, fun, easy-going, affectionate, self-confident lady. I moved to the USA for his career & confidence. He was trapped in a dead-end job & suffered with depression.

 

12 years ago he had an affair with a coworker & it totally destroyed me. We had been together since I was 21. He watched me shatter. I lost way more of myself than I ever realized at the time. It changed me in so many ways but like you, we reconciled. I became more like my old happy self.

 

THEN he did it to me again!!

 

It's not about the infidelity. I could get over that! It's the fact that the man who professes to love me so deeply can (knowing the utter devastation) make the deliberate, calculated choice, to put me through that AGAIN!!

 

She is PROVEN capable, knowing the emotional & mental consequences to YOU, of doing this AGAIN!! People have questioned why now, after 2 years, are you still feeling this anger? I understand. I completely get-it!

 

At the time d-day hits we go into shock. Then we go through the stages of grief. At the time there's unimaginable pain & rage but for survival we fight to get back our lives. As time passes & we are supposed to "get over it" the reality & resentments truly hit & it's horrific!!!

 

Now it's time for YOU to be selfish. It's time for YOU to take care of YOU. Time is on your side. There's no need to decide today what you really need to find peace & contentment in your life. Really focus on your needs. If you want to stay married what do you need to be happy? Can you ever honestly process what she has done to you REPEATEDLY & live a happy life?

 

My question to you is: Are you still married?

[drifter777]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

We have no financial reason for advising you like MC's do so you will get our honest opinions. The chances of reconciling with a serial cheater are near zero.

 

You certainly can remain married but, like I said above, you need to understand that she's gonna cheat and you are not going to stop it.

Finally, if you cannot face the thought of living without her then just accept she is a cheat and ask her to do a better job hiding it. Tell her you don't want to know about her escapades and maybe she shouldn't ask you about yours. You can work on this in marriage counseling as many married couples take this route. They won't divorce but they won't stop the nookie on the side so they need to learn how to live with this situation. Maybe this can work for you.

 

Of course this in no way is "reconciling". It is simply tolerance.

Edited January 24, 2017 by drifter777

[Oberfeldwebel]

To forgive someone there are some prerequisites, the person must confess and be contrite. If a person is sorry that they have hurt you is not enough, they have to confess. Without it, they lie and therefore the affair continues.

[turnera]

I confronted her about them and she broke down crying. Then of course all the lies started. The trickle truth has been pretty consistent for at least a year and a half. The only things she admits are the times and places that have proof and cannot be argued.

 

She also had a previous emotional and possible physical affair 5 years prior with a high school crush

 

My issues 2 years later is that she is very, very unhealthy I spent over 1 month in the hospital and physical rehab with her and I feel that I am abandoning her if I leave now.

 

This may be a game changer for me .

She doesn't fess up because she doesn't have to. You're still there.

 

The more you help her, the more she doesn't have to be an honorable woman with integrity.

 

Walk away. Tell her she is welcome to try to prove to you that she can earn your trust again. But for now, you won't.

[ShatteredLady]

My question to you is: Are you still married?

 

 

Good question. VERY good question. Yes I am still married. It's been about 18 months since the final d-day when I found some of the messages confirming that they were NOT 'just friends'.

 

It was the usual gaslight & trickle truth.

 

The hardest thing I'm trying to wrap my head around is, how could he put me through this AGAIN?!? I believed that he felt true remorse the first time but how could he?

 

My 'story' is in some of my recent posts.

 

I do believe that reconciliation is possible if you truly love your partner & they are 100% in the marriage.

I don't believe the old 'once a cheater, always a cheater' based on very clear evidence (even on this forum).

I know that severe illness can really change (often ground) a person. I have poor health myself & know that it has amplified my focus on family & what's truly important in life.

Things like family & history are far more important to some people.

 

Recovery is a very individual thing. Do you believe that your wife's infidelity would be any less painful if you divorced? To be completely honest with you, I only think of divorce (for ME) as a punishment. Sometimes I want my husband to REALLY hurt so he can understand how much he's hurt me. Following that logic...if divorcing him is the most pain inducing thing I can think of inflicting on him we've got a lot going for us!!

 

Warning - I flip-flop on how I feel frequently! I'm completely overwhelmed by EVERYTHING that's going-on in my life lately.

[ShatteredLady]

.....and I DON'T believe in karma!

 

I've come to the conclusion that revenge is a really bad idea. I'm glad I decided that before I did anything. I'm sorry that you didn't. Do you think that confession would help you exorcise your demons?

[oldlion]

You have had a long time together. She made some bad decisions and you made a couple of bad ones yourself. The karma bus has hit her health wise. She appears remorseful , has seen what she has done to you, says she loves you and looks as though it is you she chooses. You are set for a good retirement and a good life if you are together. To top it off, you say you still love her. So with that said, you have to ask yourself some questions and answer them truthfully. If you do so then you will have your decision. Do you REALLY love her? Do you believe her when she says she loves you and will not hurt you again? Do you think you have the wife back emotionally and committed that you had 10 years ago? Do you think she will step out of the marriage again? And lastly, will you be happier and your life better off without her than it will be with her? Try not to feed your today with the thoughts of past wrongs. You are in a position that if she fails you again you can always leave. Sometimes we are so concerned with what has happened and what could happen that we miss the good that is happening now. I wish you well.

Edited January 25, 2017 by oldlion

[whichwayisup]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

One affair is forgivable, it takes a strong and special person to stick with it work though it and give their spouse a 2nd chance. Some people can't and infidelity is a deal breaker aka separation/divorce immediately. It takes a really special person to forgive TWO affairs.

[oldshirt]

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. .

 

Marriage counselors are paid to keep people married. Just because someone doesn't divorce, does not mean that they are in a healthy situation or that they are the least bit happy or in a good place. It simply means that they have been duped or pressured into remaining is a situation that may be bad for them.

 

There is a thing called the "Reconciliation Industrial Complex and it is a multimillion dollar industry that sells books and journals, hosts expensive workshops and encounter groups and employs 10s of thousands of counselors and therapists that teach mind games and word puzzles to keep people from walking away from situations where they are being used and exploited and manipulated.

 

There are a few situations where people might benefit down the road by reconciling. The first few steps of those however require the WS to be fundamentally good character and requires them to truly feel sincere remorse for their actions and to realize that they made a big mistake and then they make the commitment to doing all the heavy lifting to repair the damage and insure that they never do it again.

 

Your wife doesn't have that.

 

She is not a good reconciliation candidate. There is no benefit to you to continue being married to her. Therefor there is no reason for us to encourage reconciliation.

 

We have no financial stake in your marriage. We have no affiliation or vested interest in you remaining with her. We have no alliance or affiliation with her.

 

You on the other hand came here asking us for help and what we think would be in your best interest. From what I can see, your wife is a serial cheater who lies and gaslights and deceives you for years and is now wanting you to help her with her illness.

 

I don't see how that will benefit you or contribute to your well being or best interests, so I do not recommend reconciliation for you.

 

Her mother may have a vested interest in you taking care of her, but I am not her mother.

[WilyWill]

I do not believe she is capable of this again.

 

I imagine that's what you believed after her first affair as well. So we, as objective outsiders, are worried about you making the same misjudgment again. If you do reconcile, it has to be the result of her REALLY making an important realization this time and a REAL change in herself. Not just another of her throwaway promises. Sometimes the only way to achieve this is to walk right up to the edge of the divorce cliff.

[JS84]

what I really question is what changed and why? we are both respectable parents that supported our kids in sports. we were coaches board members etc. we both hated cheaters lairs thief's etc.

 

i never really touched or looked at other women. She could careless about other guys. We were totally into each other. We are both thin attractive and successful.

 

It seems we only started having any issues at around age 50. Why?

 

It's quite possible a lot of the morals you think you two shared, you projected some of them onto her. It's also not uncommon for people to rag on cheaters only to become one. Your situation is not unique. Your wife or her behavior is not unique. You may never even get a why. Especially since it sounds like there's a lot you probably aren't even aware of.

 

I must say I am very surprised that there aren't more of you talking reconcile. That is all the counselors concentrate on. I do not believe she is capable of this again. But as she has proven maybe she is capable of it again. I really love this lady with all my heart and have a lot of remorse for the revenge sex that I participated in. Sometimes I think its karma for me.

 

Well first of all your wife is a serial cheater. They rarely change and their behavior more often than not stems from some deep seeded issue that has to be dealt with in therapy and can take years. And even then it's no gaurantee it will help enough to repair a marriage or certain behaviors.

 

Also your wife never confessed to anything you couldn't prove, catch or figure out. So you can't even be sure what it is you're working past with her, what you should be forgiving her for, or how deep the rabbit hole goes. I would not be surprised if she's cheated on you in the past but was much more low key about it. Whenever I hear your type of story, more often than not it turns out there were a few ONS, an affair with an old boyfriend after a facebook reunion, etc that occurred earlier in the relationship and was just never discovered.

 

I'm really surprised I haven't heard anyone bring up a polygraph. If she's really so willing to do anything and everything then tell her you want a divorce and are moving out. When she starts begging and offering to do whatever to get you to stay, tell her you want her to take a polygraph. At the very least I bet you'll get a parking lot confession of more activities.

 

But really, like others have said you need to stop worrying about your wife so much and start thinking about yourself. It's quite obvious your wife knows how to, believe me she'll be fine. Actually I have a feeling if you guys do divorce, you'll be surprised (and somewhat hurt) by how quickly she bounces back from you.

 

You're really not giving many reasons for why you should be in this marriage or why you should delay leaving it. Her health sounds like its' on the mend and believe me, if what SHE did to YOU didn't destroy YOU, then you leaving the marriage certainly will not destroy HER.

 

You remind me of my best friend who I was just talking with about this tonight. He will drag a dysfunctional unhealthy relationships out until he feels worse and worse and worse and worse. And by the time the relationship finally ends the damage that's been done is so much worse emotionally and mentally for him than if he had just left earlier like he should have when the writing was on the wall.

 

More people aren't telling you to reconcile because from what you've told us, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. It sounds like you're just afraid of divorce which is perfectly normal. But you're not doing yourself any favors letting fear dictate your actions and keeping you in an unhealthy marriage.

Edited January 25, 2017 by JS84

[road]

Surprised 32, you do not have to get past what your WW did.

You get to decide what you can and can not accept. Because

you chose to let the first affair go by and stay does not mean

you have to stay and accept the 2nd affair.

 

 

In the end do you think you will be able to keep her from cheating

ever again?

 

 

Will your life be better or worse without her be your guide.

[Chaparral]

I'm curious as to whether you have looked up serial cheater on the internet. I'm with those that don't believe you know the half of what she has done.

 

Seriously, serial. Cheaters can't change is what is usually found. It's a major character defect. If you stay, you have to be prepared for repeat performances.

[surprised32]

So most of what I have heard is divorce. Those have been my thoughts many times. I have left for weeks at a time only to return. I am through pin-balling. Its not healthy for anyone involved.

 

I would like some suggestions/thoughts on how I should proceed?

 

I think I will confront her next week. I am on vacation for 5 day as of tomorrow.

 

I need some answers on some things and want her to answer them truthfully. I am pretty sure I will know or feel inside whether the answers are true or not. If I am satisfied or not I will probably start the process of a legal separation. This mostly is a test for any future reconciliation that could possibly happen.

 

The questions I need to know are: When did your affair really start? A few certain dates when I was out of town? The email I found to someone else? I really want to know whether she slept with the high school friend 7 years ago? I have his wife's phone number and they are now divorced (let my wife know I can call?) Is there any other affairs I am not aware of?

 

I want to ask her to supply some things I don't know and haven't discovered yet. This will really make a decision for me. If she doesn't come up with anything then she is holding a ton of information from me and means that she is not trying to reconcile. This tells me she has done so many bad things that she knows I will not ever take her back.

 

So honesty is a must!

 

Please give me some questions and thoughts.

 

I also will post about her remorse and what I know and see.

Edited January 25, 2017 by surprised32

[surprised32]

As far as remorse that everyone asks about. I can tell 100% she is remorseful. Most anyone I know would have given up by now. She is consistent and persistent.

 

This lady has even gone to the hospital for depression, she lost 35 lbs (she only weighed 145 and is 5'10). She has endured hours of verbal abuse from me. I am not proud of this, but it has happened on many occasions.

 

She tried to commit suicide once. She has changed anything and everything I have asked her to do sexually and outside of the bedroom. I must share that she has some sexual self esteem issues that the counselor was supposed to work on.

 

She has realized even more how much I must have loved her after she spent 1 month in the hospital 6 months ago. I was there 24 hours a day. I encouraged and helped her through one of the toughest times of her life. I feel she doubted my real love for her. The illness during the affair is a totally different health problem than the current one. This one could have been brought on by stress.

 

She wants to spend every waking moment with me. I can not even go to home depot without her. She comes to my business and helps me (never did that before)

 

She wakes up in the morning rolls over and tells me she loves me and kisses all over me.

 

If I even mention the affair she tears up and says how she has to live with this guilt forever and wishes she could just die sometimes.

 

She just daily asks me to just love her.

[ShatteredLady]

As I said in a previous post....

 

I do believe that reconciliation is possible if you truly love your partner & they are 100% in the marriage.

I don't believe the old 'once a cheater, always a cheater' based on very clear evidence (even on this forum).

I know that severe illness can really change (often ground) a person. I have poor health myself & know that it has amplified my focus on family & what's truly important in life.

Things like family & history are far more important to some people.

 

Recovery is a very individual thing. Do you believe that your wife's infidelity would be any less painful if you divorced?.

 

 

Why are you asking BIAS complete strangers on the internet?

 

If one asks the question, "Should I divorce my serial cheat of a wife?" of course most BETRAYED people are going to scream YES!!

 

We don't know your wife. You do!! You seem to be deeply in love with her but you are also in deep pain. Of course you are! Who ever wants to learn these things about the person they have shared their life with? The 2 of you have loved each other for a WHOLE LIFE. I do not believe that ALL of those years were just some elaborate hoax. Sometimes we do terrible things & loose ourselves.

 

Are those few years the truth? Is your shared life the truth? Have you been truly YOU throughout your marriage or was the REAL YOU that man who f**ked those hookers? Are you BOTH of you simple, one dimensional beings who can be tried & sentenced after a few internet posts or are you very complex beings, for better & worse??

 

What's your line? What do you honestly believe?

 

For goodness sake, if you love each other so completely why not just get on with loving & enjoying each other?

 

Life has taught me that nothing is as pure & simple as we wish it was. People screw-up!! It's devastating. Is soul shattering. At the end of the day what do YOU want? You're not getting any younger. Is your history & your love, for better & worse, important enough to you to just get on with living out the rest of your life with the woman you started your adult life with?

 

Not a single person on this forum has to look your WIFE (the woman YOU love) in the eye & tell her they want a divorce! Not a single person on this forum has to live with that choice every single day for the rest of their lives! Not a single person on this forum has to be YOU!

 

Do you want to wake every single morning for the rest of your life without her kissing you & telling you that she loves YOU?

 

Do YOU believe that she's cheating scum who's going to do it to you again & again? Who is your love & your loyalty to? Is it the woman you have grown through thick & thin with or is it a bunch of strangers telling you to kick her to the curb?

 

Stop posting & this forum will move-on to the next poster.

 

ONLY YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOUR CHOICES!!

 

ONLY YOU KNOW HER!!

[harrybrown]

If she loves you so much, she will write a timeline and diary of all her affairs for you.

 

she will give you all the detail you ask for. she will get tested for stds.

 

She will write letters to the wives of the OMs and tell them what they did.

 

She would start protecting you instead of the OM.

 

She cheated again and again. Until she writes the timeline and the diary and pays for a polygraph test, she is still lying to you.

 

Have her pay for affair recovery.com to help you heal. she is still a serial cheater and you can not trust that she will not cheat again.

 

She will cheat again. If she loves you so much, she would not have cheated the first time, let alone the second time. and she would have written the timeline and figured out what was wrong with her to avoid giving you more pain.

 

Has she told her family and yours what she did?

 

You can't trust her. file for D and then tell her she can try to prove to you that she wants only you after the D.

 

Go see your attorney. She will continue to hurt you.