What is wrong with me?

[belleJlinda11]

My husband and I have been together for the past 18 years (since early in college, but married in 2005) and have 4 daughters. For quite some time, we grew apart because he had a drinking problem, and had 2 jobs and was never home. The little time he had he was either drinking, with coworkers, or sleeping. We used to fight all the time about his drinking problem and although he was never aggressive or a hitter, his lack of interest and lack of willingness to change made me feel hurt, helpless and progressively fell out of love.

 

This went on for years until I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore because he didn't want to change. Last summer, I confronted him about our issues one last time and told him we needed to part ways. We didn't talk about divorce, but were separated and sleeping in separate rooms, specially because he didn't have anywhere else to go, and I agreed to let him stay.

 

During this time, and for a few months I started talking to male friends online. At first it was just flirting, being this new to me because I had been with the same man for 18 years. Then it turned into a little more. Without me even realizing it, I was sexting with 2 guys at the same time (separately of course, not threesome lol). I liked both of them and we would exchange pics and sexy messages and even facetiming here and there.

 

Even though my husband and I were "officially" over, he never knew about my friends during that time. But one day, we sat down to talk about what we were going to do with the relationship, what went wrong and started reminiscing of old times and he asked for another chance. I felt he was sincere and gave him a chance. I texted one of my friends and told him i needed space to repair my marriage and we stopped texting. However I didn't text the other one right away and kind of kept talking to him for a while more. One day my husband went through my phone and saw our message exchanges and pictures. I assured him that it didn't mean anything to me and that I would end it right away, which i did. I texted him and ended it right there.

 

My husband and I decided to start fresh,he forgave me, i forgave him, he stopped drinking for good, got another job where he didn't have to have a second one, which gave us more time to spend together and with the kids. Everything has been great, except that now i feel i don't love him the way i used to anymore. He has been so sweet and loving, just like when we were younger and started. And I feel that all that suffering for so long made me grow out of love for good.

 

Also, I keep in touch with my friends every now and then, but not in the same way as before. We just talk about daily life, work and family. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. He loves me so much, I know he does. I see it everyday. But part of me does not want that anymore and I hate myself for feeling this way.

 

Do you think I just need to give this "new relationship" with my husband a little more time to adjust or do you think my heart is just over? It kills me that I can't reciprocate all the love he's giving me and appreciate everything he has changed.

Edited January 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~ V

[smackie9]

Go to marriage counseling or get counseling for yourself. A therapist can help you sort out why you feel the way you feel and help you let go of the past. Then you will be able to make a clearer decision as to whether you want to stay or to move on.

 

Just my opinion, I think those feelings of "thrill" and "excitement" when you were have your emotional affair is clouding your feelings for your husband. Counseling and time is needed. I would give it a few months to shake off the residual of the E affair, and see how things are.

 

And no doubt you are in a healing process....all those years of emotional abuse has taken it's toll.

[Space Ritual]

My husband and I have been together for the past 18 years (since early in college, but married in 2005) and have 4 daughters. For quite some time, we grew apart because he had a drinking problem, and had 2 jobs and was never home. The little time he had he was either drinking, with coworkers, or sleeping. We used to fight all the time about his drinking problem and although he was never aggressive or a hitter, his lack of interest and lack of willingness to change made me feel hurt, helpless and progressively fell out of love.

 

This went on for years until I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore because he didn't want to change. Last summer, I confronted him about our issues one last time and told him we needed to part ways. We didn't talk about divorce, but were separated and sleeping in separate rooms, specially because he didn't have anywhere else to go, and I agreed to let him stay.

 

During this time, and for a few months I started talking to male friends online. At first it was just flirting, being this new to me because I had been with the same man for 18 years. Then it turned into a little more. Without me even realizing it, I was sexting with 2 guys at the same time (separately of course, not threesome lol). I liked both of them and we would exchange pics and sexy messages and even facetiming here and there.

 

Even though my husband and I were "officially" over, he never knew about my friends during that time. But one day, we sat down to talk about what we were going to do with the relationship, what went wrong and started reminiscing of old times and he asked for another chance. I felt he was sincere and gave him a chance. I texted one of my friends and told him i needed space to repair my marriage and we stopped texting. However I didn't text the other one right away and kind of kept talking to him for a while more. One day my husband went through my phone and saw our message exchanges and pictures. I assured him that it didn't mean anything to me and that I would end it right away, which i did. I texted him and ended it right there.

 

My husband and I decided to start fresh,he forgave me, i forgave him, he stopped drinking for good, got another job where he didn't have to have a second one, which gave us more time to spend together and with the kids. Everything has been great, except that now i feel i don't love him the way i used to anymore. He has been so sweet and loving, just like when we were younger and started. And I feel that all that suffering for so long made me grow out of love for good.

 

Also, I keep in touch with my friends every now and then, but not in the same way as before. We just talk about daily life, work and family. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. He loves me so much, I know he does. I see it everyday. But part of me does not want that anymore and I hate myself for feeling this way.

 

Do you think I just need to give this "new relationship" with my husband a little more time to adjust or do you think my heart is just over? It kills me that I can't reciprocate all the love he's giving me and appreciate everything he has changed.

 

 

Just remember your husband may own Fifty percent of the marriage problems, but you own the whole behind his back relationship 100 percent.

 

In house separations are usually time for couples to actually work on their relationships, not pursue new ones behind the other's back. It is impossible to work on a marriage if there is a third party involved, even if it is emotional like yours was. Often times emotional affairs are more devastating than a physical one. I think you are discovering that by your husband's reaction.

 

You had plenty of choice, including to physically separate and divorce if you were not happy. Even though you say you didn't talk about divorce then what kind of signal did that send. That one is all on you.

 

But carrying on under the same roof with a sexting relationship with multiple men is also a choice you decided to make. And your husband bears no culpability in that. That's all on you.

 

It boils down to that you are delaying the inevitable by staying in a "new" relationship with your husband which does not exists. You re lying to him, and most of all, to yourself. There is no "new" relationship.

 

Everyone deserves to be loved fully, yes even you and your husband. And since it appears you are incapable of dong that for your husband even after all the changes he made at your demand, then do the right thing and release him so someone else can love him the way he deserves. Then you will be free to carry on your need to have your ego stroked by electronic means.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes you can't shake off the feelings of resentment or you just can't get that love back after so much has happened.

 

You seem to have lost the emotional connection you once had with him.

[Redhen16]

I know several people suggested counseling and I'm sure that would help. Marriage takes both people giving 100% and you don't have much left to give your husband or kids with your mind being on other things, like your friend. Your husband is trying to make this work so don't overlook what you have. Have you asked God to help you be the person you would like to be? A caring, loving wife and mother who has peace, joy, and love in your heart. God can help you so just ask Him. Going to church together can bring you all together so try it. Hugs and Prayers for you!