Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

I guess I'm looking for advice, opinions, similar stories? A year and a half ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair..he claimed he'd end it, we tried "working" on our marriage for a bit, and then the fights continued and he said he was done. We separated but lived under the same roof, continued to be physical and over the course of 9 months or so, we got very close again. We got back together in June of 2015. I discovered he was still talking to this girl in September/October by seeing an email address itsforever@____ or something similar. I knew it was her...he denied it for a few days, even though he was totally busted. He finally fessed up and told me he'd end it. He didn't want to lose me.

 

So, then fast forward to early November, I catch him again through his phone records...he was making a few, 3-5 minute calls a day to her workplace. So, that's when he decided that he couldn't do this to me anymore, he couldn't let her go. He loves both of us but he can't let her go...so he'll end our marriage and see what this is that they have. He writes her a heartfelt letter asking her if what they have is real, if she wants to be with him...she (6 weeks later, after him asking for a response), says she will end her marriage too. She tells him she wrote her husband of 15 years a letter ending the marriage, and they told their 6 and 10 year old boys that they were getting divorced that same day. She said she would file for divorce in January, which quickly moved to February.

 

I want to work on our marriage, and my husband says he would like to as well, if they can figure this affair thing out...if she'll end it or if they can't get along/work out, etc. So, we decided to not sign our final divorce document until they do. Since early December she's moved when she's moving out from January to "march - april", my husband says, May is more "realistic". So now, we're at the 6 month mark - at that point, they'll have been doing this dance for 2 years. She said she did the math and she's $200 in the hole, and won't be able to afford being on her own. Asked her grandfather to cosign on a loan and he declined because he doesn't support the divorce. I asked my husband, what would change by March - May?

 

She still won't be able to afford living on her own. He asked her that as well and she said "I haven't figured that out yet". I suggested a roommate. It seems like if you really cared enough, you'd find a way to be together. She also doesn't want to move in with my husband because she needs to "find herself" and some family members may not be open to it because they don't support the divorce. She's 33 by the way. They currently only email because her husband is "so controlling" he monitors her phone records.

 

Supposedly, they will be filing next week, living together until late spring - May. Supposedly, she'll be able to spend time with my husband starting next month. My husband says I'm the one. He sees a future with me...he has plans that he still wants to fufill (businesses, etc)...he literally just asked my dad on sunday "when are you going to convince your daughter to give me a baby?" I just don't understand how you can leave "the one" for someone like this...or at all?

 

I am mature, responsible, I've raised his child for him, literally do everything for him from making his lunch, all the chores, all the tasks from buying a home to doctors appointments, to stuff for his son's school, you name it, I handle it. He goes to work, and that's his contribution. He is handy and will fix things in an emergency situation. That's really about it. At least there's that, he'll stand to lose a lot more than I will. I'm losing my best friend (which I've been dealing with for a year and a half at this point), he'll have the constant reminders of what he lost.

 

I told him that if she doesn't leave her husband in a year's time, that I'll have to leave him. I know it sounds crazy but I don't think he'll be able to get her out of his system unless they actually try being together. I don't think it would ever work - they're two of a kind. Irresponsible, financially reckless, impulsive, fun, etc..

 

I will say when this all started he was on his phone constantly, taking a million selfies, got into working out...he's since been a bit more normal...I just don't know if this is a midlife crisis, or what?

 

Anyone been in something similar? Is there any chance he'll wake up?

Edited January 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
link and added paragraphs ~6

[BuddyX]

Caught my wife in an affair. Told her to NC. She created a new email account to stay in touch with the OM. I tapped out. I have my dignity.

 

No more checking of text messages or emails. Damn it feels good.

 

If I was you, I would tell your husband to move out and pick "her". Don't be his sometimes. He's disrespecting on a daily basis.

 

Have some self worth

 

Only way he wakes up is when you leave. Google 180. Throw Divorce papers on his lap.

Edited January 24, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[somuchfortheone]

Caught my wife in an affair. Told her to NC. She created a new email account to stay in touch with the OM. I tapped out. I have my dignity.

 

No more checking of text messages or emails. Damn it feels good.

 

If I was you, I would tell your husband to move out and pick "her". Don't be his sometimes. He's disrespecting on a daily basis.

 

Have some self worth

 

Only way he wakes up is when you leave. Google 180. Throw Divorce papers on his lap.

 

 

 

Thanks Buddy - sorry you went through that. Glad you made it out the other end...it's not fun!

[DKT3]

Wow, you're far more then this jack@$$ deserves.

 

You do know there are tons of solid faithful men out there who would treat you well, don't you?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wow, you're far more then this jack@$$ deserves.

 

You do know there are tons of solid faithful men out there who would treat you well, don't you?

 

If we could upvote comments, I would definitely upvote this one.

[BuddyX]

Thanks Buddy - sorry you went through that. Glad you made it out the other end...it's not fun!

 

You know when I bailed? When her Entitlement trumped my commitment. You're allowing your husband to choose. Nope. He choose when he said "I do".

 

Part of this falls on you. You allow this to happen. Kick him out. He's in a fog right now. Nothing you say will change his mind. And no, waiting it out will not solve anything.

 

Try the daughter test. What would you say to your daughter if she told you this story?

[VeveCakes]

Why are you sitting around waiting for them to sort out their mess? He is waiting 3, 6, 9 months to pull the trigger and the whole time you are sitting there like a lost puppy hoping he chooses you.

 

Time to make the decision for yourself. Leave.

[jennifernyc84]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This post makes me so sad.

 

I ageee, I think you should take control and throw the papers at him. Make him feel threatened. How could you just stay there, waiting for your own husband to choose you?

 

granted, I've been doing the same, but you see, I am the other woman in this. But I don't have a husband. He's the married one. I've put my life on hold while he lived his life with her.

 

That isn't fair. And it's not fair for you.

 

I feel ashamed talking to you because I'm the OW, you're the wife. Feels like we're sworn enemies right? lol

 

I have been trying to move on from Mr-one woman isn't enough for me. I think you should too.

[Lilyana76]

I was much like you, I sat around waiting for my ex husband to choose me. Took me five years to realize I didn't want to be his "option". I lost myself, I forgot the person I am, I was wrapped up in trying to fix him and us. There was no us anymore once he decided to step out. There was only me.

 

Honey it will never happen. He was suppose to have chosen you the day he said I do to you.

 

Pick up your dignity and get rid of him. Trust me. Even if he decides he wants you over this woman, it might not be the case with the next one.

 

Instead of "waiting for him to chose", You make the choice for him. File for divorce. Staying in this marriage will only get worse.

[Whoknew30]

Im sorry you're going through this but even if it doesn't work out with this girl, he's going to do it again bc he has absolutely no respect for you & honestly you're showing you have no respect for yourself. Yes, we as humans should show others respect but if one doesn't even have it for themselves, how can one expect anyone else to have it for them?

 

Show yourself some respect in this situation, you want to be married bc you & your husband love each other & want to be married...why would you want to be married to a man that only keeps you as jos wife bc he can walk all over you? You're better than that, any human is better than that.

 

My advice is for you to go to IC & figure out why you're allowing this for yourself...& don't use love as an excuse. One can love someone & choose not be treated like this & loving someone doesn't mean you belong with them. Good luck to you

[BTDT2012]

I am mature, responsible, I've raised his child for him, literally do everything for him from making his lunch, all the chores, all the tasks from buying a home to doctors appointments, to stuff for his son's school, you name it, I handle it. He goes to work, and that's his contribution. He is handy and will fix things in an emergency situation. That's really about it. At least there's that, he'll stand to lose a lot more than I will. I'm losing my best friend (which I've been dealing with for a year and a half at this point), he'll have the constant reminders of what he lost.

 

Tell him to get out. Stop doing the pick me dance. Stop waiting for him to choose. Choose yourself, tell him to leave. if he doesn't leave, you should. Yes, there is a chance he might wake up, but unless he does his work, deals with what is lacking in him, this story will repeat.

[ShatteredLady]

I know! I know! I know!

 

For many people here the story is different (similar but so very different mentally). D-day happens & things get resolved, one way or another. There's something to work with, one way or another.

 

When a passive-aggressive, unbelievable cruel, selfishing d**k with zero empathy pulls this kind of crap AND it goes on & on & on & on you do not recognize how broken & pathetically INSANE it makes YOU! (Please believe me. I mean that in the kindest way. I've been PATHETICALLY INSANE too!)

 

It's only when you write it out, like you have here, that you start to see how ridiculous & self destructive your 'logic' has become.

 

Read some of my posts & you'll get an idea of where I'm coming from. If I could turn back time (& not been in shock, shattered, desperate & lost) I would of done things completely differently.

 

Do you want to 'save' your marriage?

 

* Tell him what a cruel MONSTER he is being & hit him with divorce papers!!

 

* Tell him how you loved the man you thought he was & you could love the man you think he could be BUT you have more self-respect (I know you clearly don't but lie!) than to put-up with this abusive s**t for one more day!

 

* Tell him that if he contacts her again (other than a dumping letter) he will NEVER see you again AND MEAN IT!!

 

 

PLEASE believe me, if you continue with this 'plan' you will either loose him (good!) or you will grow to loathe him & YOURSELF!!

 

I've made ALL of the excuses. 'He's having a mental break', 'Its a midlife crisis', 'This isn't him. Give him space & he will realize how he doesn't want her' etc etc. The truth is he will carry-on with this ridiculous game, totally oblivious to the emotional carnage he is inflicting, until YOU stop it!!

 

He's living a romance novel. Message by sappy romantic message he has created a story. He hasn't even spent a day in real life with this woman. Look at it this way....you love him? Right? Why would you deprive a man you truly love of his 'soul mate' 'The love of his life'???? Let them have each-other!!! He's either going to go or he's not. My guess is "not" IF YOU THROW HIM OUT!!

 

You are being weak & pathetic (been there, done that) as time goes on he will treat you worse & worse because every day that passes his romance story WITH HER is building. You & her husband are the enemy. Have you had the 'opportunity' to read the things he's written about YOU?

 

At the moment you are giving him all of the power. Think about how that makes you look to him!! He has no empathy or compassion for you. I've lived it!! Please, PLEASE, you are doing everything wrong! The day my H stopped his fantasy story was the day I told him that he should go marry her, build a family with her, love her because HE HAD LOST ME!!

 

His reaction was immediate! He cried "Why do I only realize what I'm doing when it's gone too far?". He threatened suicide! (Passive aggressive manipulation). He stopped all contact with her!!

 

We built a great life in the USA for 18 years. We lived in our dream house. He had a very lucrative career. We had friends, a life! All of that has gone now. He has given-up everything, moved back home to England to live with MY PARENTS. He's looking for a job. He says that he loves me all the time. He wants to grow old with ME. I'm his life.

 

Do you want to know the truth? I can't get over it. I just can't. It's NOT the affair!! It's the way he treated me for 9 MONTHS! It can't be the love that it was before. It's lost its innocence. I KNOW that he can do THAT to me! (NOT the affair!) he can inflict that agony on me & carry on torturing & breaking me, day after day, week after week, month after month!! He is capable of treating me with utter contempt while I shatter & fall. That love is ugly & agonizing. That love is selfish & cruel.

 

HE CAN look me in my tear stained eyes & say those things! I look at HIM with contempt now. He 'just can't help himself!', how can I respect a man who can say & do those things? How can I ever be open & vulnerable after being put in competition for our MARRIAGE!! I don't want to WIN my husband...that's stupid!! We are supposed to be PARTNERS.

 

The world is full of attractive women & men. The day we take our vows we choose which one we want to share our lives with. We can no longer 'try other women on for size!!'. Is this REALLY the life you imagined when you said "I do"? Great love story!!!

 

P.S.

PLEASE don't think that having children with him is going to make the slightest bit of difference. It's just going to put more pressure on his childish self & make him even MORE likely to 'fall in love' with another woman who comes across his computer screen!!

[Ronni_W]

I know it sounds crazy but I don't think he'll be able to get her out of his system unless they actually try being together.

Actually...the more I truly thought about it, the less crazy it started to sound .

 

BUT. Let's say that he does get to be with her for whatever period of time, and then things go bust for them, and then he comes crawling back to you.

At that point, how would you have to be feeling about yourself, to make it okay within your own heart and mind to take him back?

And then, let's say that you do manage to find it within yourself to take him back whenever he decides or gets kicked out and desperate enough to come crawling back - how is all of it going to play on your heart and mind and psyche over the long-term?

 

The ramifications on your own sense of self and worth and dignity could be astronomical. I would deeply consider if it is worth the price.

 

Sending hugs, and Love and Light.

Ronni

[ShatteredLady]

I was much like you, I sat around waiting for my ex husband to choose me. Took me five years to realize I didn't want to be his "option". I lost myself, I forgot the person I am, I was wrapped up in trying to fix him and us. There was no us anymore once he decided to step out. There was only me.

 

Honey it will never happen. He was suppose to have chosen you the day he said I do to you.

 

Pick up your dignity and get rid of him. Trust me. Even if he decides he wants you over this woman, it might not be the case with the next one.

 

Instead of "waiting for him to chose", You make the choice for him. File for divorce. Staying in this marriage will only get worse.

 

 

PLEASE read this again & again until it sinks in!

 

My husband did this to me. He stayed with me. 12 YEARS later we were at a weak point (I had life-saving surgery) & he did it AGAIN WITH THE SAME WOMAN!!

 

All it took was her to send a one word message, "Hey!" over Linked-In & he started AGAIN!!

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

 

I had no dignity & self-respect the first time. Deep inside he knew that he could do this to me AGAIN & I would take it!

 

I have 2 young children & im a very sick lady. PLEASE don't make the same mistakes as me. You will live to regret this for the rest of your life.

 

You are so blinded by not loosing him that you can't see that you have already lost the man he was. You will NEVER look, feel, love him the same again!

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

 

I cry for you. How does it feel to sink so low that internet strangers pity you?

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

[AnneP]

Does the husband of the OW know she's having an emotional affair with your husband?

 

Doesn't sound to me like she plans on leaving her husband. Your H wrote her a heartfelt letter that she never replied to - until he asked her about it six weeks later? This doesn't sound like a woman who has invested nearly as much as your H has.

 

The quickest way to end an affair is to tell the spouse of the OW. I would tell him and then tell your H to get out. You're an option to him and you deserve better. If he truly is remorseful then he will show you by his actions, not his words. He's shown you that his words are meaningless. Minimally please get counseling and if you ever decide to take him back, insist on marriage counseling.

[sandylee1]

Please tell me why in the world are you leaving the decision on the future of yourmarriage in the hands of another woman?

 

Furthermore why would you even consider having a child with a man who has repeatedly gone back into an affair?

 

You're basically telling him, you will put up with whatever crap he dishes out to you.

 

How can he say you're the one and yet continue to hurt you like this?

 

I suggest you get yourself some counselling to dig deep and find out why you have such little self esteem and self respect, that you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way and stay.

 

When he says that nonsense to your dad, have you tried saying "because you repeatedly continue having an affair and that's why I won't have a child with you"

 

If the events so far haven't been enough for you to end this marriage, if you have a child, he'll carry on cheating and be safe in the knowledge that you won't leave and will tolerate it.

 

If you can't leave without a child, you won't leave when you have one.

[Mr. Lucky]

We separated but lived under the same roof, continued to be physical and over the course of 9 months or so, we got very close again.

 

somuchfortheone, living under the same roof and staying "physical" isn't separation, it's continuing marriage to a cheater. You two are perfectly matched - he seems content to cheat, you seem content to enable him to do so.

 

I'll just say this isn't what respect, consideration and love looks like. Why you'd buy into his valuation of you as deserving none of the above absolutely baffles me. You seem like a good person worthy of a partner who has her best interests in mind. Hope some day, you come to agree...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

I want to know why you feel that you don't deserve any better than this. Also I wonder why you are leaving the decision up to him and her? Even if he comes back, your marriage will only be a consolation prize, since if they stick you are out of the picture. You deserve much more than this and I wish you would value yourself, even if he won't. I think that it is time that you start thinking about you.

[Try]

I told him that if she doesn't leave her husband in a year's time, that I'll have to leave him. I know it sounds crazy but I don't think he'll be able to get her out of his system unless they actually try being together.

I am not sure that this is real, but if it is what you are saying is that you are giving your husband "a years's time" to "actually try being together" with his affair partner in a romantic relationship to see if they can work it out. That you want to see if this will "get her out of his system" so that he can then decide if he wants to get back with you. You are a cheating cake eaters dream spouse. He gets to cheat with no risk, since you are a willing backup plan. He gets to even do this out in the open guilt free with no lying needed. Given this option, even spouses that have never cheated may think about getting some strange for a year.

 

Is there any chance he'll wake up?

He is awake and loving the cake. You are the one that is not awake, and letting him eat your cake so that he still has his. Edited January 25, 2017 by Try

[MadJackBird]

I'm confused. Does he want to work on your marriage or not?

 

What does anything in the AP life have to do with anything?

 

If you want to work on your marriage he must go NC for life with AP, and you should have complete transparency with all communication, emails, phones etc.

 

It sounds like a lot of your plans are contingent on what happens with AP divorce. Who the heck cares if she's broke, moves out, has a divorce.

 

What is the status of YOUR marriage?

[BTDT2012]

It take both parties, giving 100% effort to repair a marriage that has been impacted by adultery. It is a lot of hard work. Also, going back and re-reading, I don't believe this affair is only emotional. Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer so you have a real idea of what you are facing financially.

[Rockdad]

Stories like this boggle my mind. My wife would not put up with this out of me or anyone else for a millisecond. I couldn't even fathom me holding respect for her if she did.

 

"Honey have you made up your mind yet, are you going to pick me or your girlfriend?"

 

Naa, I need some more time. Hang in there though I just may pick my family someday.

[S2B]

Are YOU willing to take charge of your life/your future?

 

You've handed all YOUR power to him- to his other woman - and to her husband as well.

 

Life choices should not be left in the hands of someone who has consistently betrayed you.

 

You deserve better...now go get on it!

[merrmeade]

Youre narrative tells us everything and nothing. Nowhere is it clear to me how you feel. You've given details of the ridiculous back-and-forth indecisiveness that everyone has indulged everyone else in – and for what? True love? The One? Destiny? Commitment? Marriage?

 

I don't get it. I see no ideals, no concepts, no gains for any of this absurdity to justify destroying the three lives this woman just shattered. As far as your family is concerned, I don't know if you're trying to be objective in your reporting or you just shut off your feelings and your observation of others' feelings and the situation because I only know what they've said and done; I don't have any idea how they feel. I mean I can guess but you haven't said. It's not clear what the fathers, grandfathers, children, husband and you are actually going through.

 

Nevermind what everyone else has said about the absurdity of all the sacrifice for your questionable catch of a husband.

 

Could you think for a minute about what you really want and how you really feel? And then please tell us ...

 

W H Y ?

[aileD]

I was in a similar situation for a year and a half.

 

He is never going to pick you because right now he has no reason to. You are the doormat. You're not putting your foot down (a year from now? **** that, NOW).

 

Firstly I don't believe anything they are saying. There is only one reason the husband is being "controling" and that's because she most likely is tying to work it out with her husband. I mean come on....her and her husband agreed to divorce but live together and he's trying to stop her from talking to your husband ?? That doesn't make sense and you know it. You can't tell me she can't move in with a friend or family member if her marriage is that bad. MY HUSBAND SLEPT IN HIS TRUCK WHEN HE LEFT ME . Where there's a will there is a way.

 

They are dragging this out to keep eating their cake. What you allow, is what will continue. Let me say that again:

 

WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE.

 

The fastest way to get her out of his system is to kick him out and stop all contact with him unless she is out of his life. And honestly. He's already lied to you about that so I wouldn't even trust it.

 

He has to want you. Right now he doesn't know what he wants. And that means it's not you. At least now

 

Stand up for yourself. It is ok to love him and want to work on things but it is not okay for him to have a wife and a girlfriend.

 

i just watched this today and it pertains to you:

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=rH5gwWg6Emk

 

This ones not bad either

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=KH8TsYE3Q-o