Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

Start going out.

You're in an open marriage now. He needs to see you having fun with other men. Also, start sleeping in another bed.

 

I get it and see how you are right...but I'm Christian and plan to stay faithful under we are officially divorced. Plus, I have zero desire to be with anyone for quite a while.

[harrybrown]

Your H is not choosing you.

 

You need to try to go NC and read up about the 180.

 

The pain, the rejection, the loss of self-esteem, the rage gets to be too much.

 

Do not let him have a choice anymore. He has chosen to cheat on you.

 

He does not respect or really love you, not when he treats you this way.

 

Time for D, go see your attorney. And try for some counseling.

 

Will he pay for you to go to affair-recovery.com? (to help with you getting back your self-esteem)

 

You are a human being. You deserve respect and not to be cheated on by your spouse that is supposed to have your back.

 

If you have kids, he needs to pay child support. So see your attorney as soon as you can.

 

Do not keep hanging on and let him be so comfortable with having both of you.

 

Take that option away. You will not nice him out of his A.

[QuietDan]

Part of the problem may also be that at the moment he not dealing with real fully committed relationships. He stopped working through and caring about any real issues in marriage some time ago. So, he has probably living in your marriage as a partime play spouse. Pretending to care and be a nice guy in order to facilitate making it easier to sneak around with the affair and minimize his feelings of guilt. It is easier not to work through the conflict issues that are present in real relationships if he eas checked out and didn't seriously care. I think you are mostly seeing his behavior adapted to reduce the feeling of guilt and remorse. At the moment he is trying to live in the cotton candy land of relationships, life, and emotions.

[somuchfortheone]

Your H is not choosing you.

 

You need to try to go NC and read up about the 180.

 

The pain, the rejection, the loss of self-esteem, the rage gets to be too much.

 

Do not let him have a choice anymore. He has chosen to cheat on you.

 

He does not respect or really love you, not when he treats you this way.

 

Time for D, go see your attorney. And try for some counseling.

 

Will he pay for you to go to affair-recovery.com? (to help with you getting back your self-esteem)

 

You are a human being. You deserve respect and not to be cheated on by your spouse that is supposed to have your back.

 

If you have kids, he needs to pay child support. So see your attorney as soon as you can.

 

Do not keep hanging on and let him be so comfortable with having both of you.

 

Take that option away. You will not nice him out of his A.

 

 

 

You're right Harry. I was thinking that yesterday...I need someone who loves me the way I love them. I can't imagine leaving him for anyone and it's not like he's perfect by any means...I need unconditional love as well.

 

 

We only have one child but it's his. thankfully, our divorce will be easy. We don't have to worry about anything financially outside of his portion of the home equity. It'll be quick and easy otherwise.

 

 

It just sucks. I was a damn good wife. The fact that he would chose anyone over me stings...but this girl really doesn't have anything "special"...she's not prettier...not smarter..not more successful...she's not as mature...she doesn't even prioritize him or love him like I do...it's quite bizarre. I guess he was attracted to how easy things are with her...she doesn't seem to be bothered by anything. To me, that seems like she doesn't care. I guess time will tell.

[somuchfortheone]

Part of the problem may also be that at the moment he not dealing with real fully committed relationships. He stopped working through and caring about any real issues in marriage some time ago. So, he has probably living in your marriage as a partime play spouse. Pretending to care and be a nice guy in order to facilitate making it easier to sneak around with the affair and minimize his feelings of guilt. It is easier not to work through the conflict issues that are present in real relationships if he eas checked out and didn't seriously care. I think you are mostly seeing his behavior adapted to reduce the feeling of guilt and remorse. At the moment he is trying to live in the cotton candy land of relationships, life, and emotions.

 

 

 

 

That's a really good observation, Dan...and quite possible.

[Birdies]

I feel for your ex husband.

 

Did you at least help him with the pain and rejection?

 

I feel for him too, more than I could ever express. He's a good person who didn't deserve this in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I've done everything I could possibly think of (and per advice from my therapist, sites for people experiencing infidelity, etc) to help him through it. I know it's easy to stereotype cheaters as entirely single-faceted, morally bankrupt heartless monsters, but the truth is a lot more complicated than that, and I feel extreme remorse and pain for the way I hurt him.

 

He knows that. He's doing alright and has repeatedly told me that he forgives me and wants me to be happy, which is more than I deserve but is very much appreciated. He has a girlfriend which I think helped him cope.

[Birdies]

it does sound similar. Did you tell your husband you were still in love with him or if your new relationship didn't work out that you'd want to be with him again? My husband says that he's conflicted and if this doesn't work, I'm the only one he'd want to be with. His heart is torn. He says he's still in love and developed this other connection during a rough patch in our marriage. Are you happy in your new relationship...does everything you went through seem worth it?

 

 

thanks for sharing your story!

 

No, I knew that if we made the decision to split up, then we needed to close that door permanently. It wouldn't be fair to try to keep him hanging on as a backup. It's not fair to you either. You deserve to be someone's first and only choice.

 

No, I did not tell my husband I was still in love with him, I was pretty sure I wasn't in love with him anymore as that "in love" feeling had been worn away by the problems and resentments. I told him that as gently as I could of course, but it's a hard thing to tell someone who you care for deeply He's a really amazing person and I still love him very much, but at the core of our relationship, being life partners was just not working well for either of us.

 

As for your last question, yes I am happy in my new relationship. It was hard to know while in the affair if it was the real deal, because there are so many stories out there of people in affairs thinking they've found their true soulmate, but it's really just an effect of the intensity of the affair. The term is "limerance" - that is most likely what your husband is experiencing. But I knew this man for a long time, and I knew how similar we were in important ways that were missing in our marriages, so I thought it really was the real deal. Things are wonderful between us, and I think my ex-husband and I will both be happier apart than together in the future. I had changed over time from a loving supportive wife, due to the resentments that had built up, so I know he wasn't entirely happy either. But I'm not sure I'd say it was worth it - I don't think anything is worth having hurt him the way I did And of course in my new relationship, we (rightfully so) have the guilt and stigma of having hurt our spouses and others in such a monumental way, which can be difficult. He and I have never done anything like this before and are both digging deep to examine what led us to that point, so while I'm not naive, I am hopeful about our future together. (Again, I don't think the fact that we ended up happy (so far) justifies the affair in any way. It was horrifically cruel and wrong. I'm just trying to be honest with you.)

 

If what your husband most liked about this girl was that things were easy - well that is a terrible reason to leave a marriage. Life isn't easy, and that easiness will not stick around long-term. But you need to just focus on you and how to move through this with your integrity and self-respect intact. You deserve better.

 

Again, I really recommend you go to the website surviving infidelity and tell them your story. They will show you how to implement "the 180" and force your husband off this fence-sitting limbo land where he gets to have the butterflies of new love, but also have you as the reliable backup. That is not fair to you at all.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Birdies

[aileD]

In don't have time to read all replies sonsoeey if I repeat or miss something.

 

Read my past posts. Very similar, my H said all the same things. We are together now but only because I (eventually after a long time of where you are now) finally stopped letting him have both.

 

Don't let Him have it. "Figure this out" means "I don't want to divorce but I don't want to give his up either so while you wait here for me, I'm gonna go have some fun here till it plays itself out and then I'll come back to you and we can get on with our life. "

 

^^^^^^^this is true and it took me a long time to realize it. A long time of sitting at home while he slept at her place "figuring himself out". Why couldn't he "figure it out " at home? Finally I said "let's just get divorced because you're basically living with someone else". From there, he knew I was serious...still took a bit to untangle himself but we are together and working on R now.

 

You can't let him have his fun without sacrifice. Get a lawyer and tell him you did. Ignore him. Don't be all lovey.

 

And:

with her he gets her and still can be friends with me at least.

 

NO HE DOESNT!!!!!!!

 

My WH thought this too. I said " if we are not together, and you're with HER I don't want to know you or anything about you. You don't get to know me anymore. I'm not going to sit here and be happy for you when this woman who helped you destroy our marriage gets to live what should have been MY life. I don't care if we have kids together, they're old enough to talk to you and make plans on their own. "

 

And I meant that then and I mean it now too. Unless we divorce because it's a decision we both made together without any third party....he doesn't get to be my friend.

 

I stopped talking to him so much. Still sent him info on saving our marriage, but stopped begging and crying and clinging.

 

Anyway.

 

He doesn't get to keep you in the background while this thing plays out. He's out NOW and if he's not. Don't talk to him anymore unless she's gone (if you still want him then)

 

I'm sorry. This sucks.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know it'll sound crazy but he's still sleeping in the bed, we're being intimate - very - hand holding, I love you's, I miss you's, etc..

 

I wonder how much of this his OW knows?

 

somuchfortheone, I have a really hard time accepting the noble "poor suffering soul" qualities you seem to want to give him. To me, he's just another selfish cake-eater, pursuing his own validation regardless of the cost to others.

 

You seem satisfied temporarily borrowing him from his affair partner. From where I sit, you deserve better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

Somuchfor the one,

 

After I found out my H was cheating I moved into the spare room. I set about divorcing him and the solicitor asked him to move out, which he did in a month.

 

I still loved him while I was divorcing him.

 

I still loved him when the divorce came through 6 months later.

 

I still loved him about a year later.

 

If you have truly loved someone with all your heart, you cannot turn your feelings off like a tap.

 

Throughout all this my head told me continually that there was no way that I should spend one more minute of my time, energy, love on this lying, cheating, selfish, manipulating, nasty, self-serving POS.

 

It took me ages for my heart to catch up with my head - but when it did I was then free.

 

Stay strong x

 

HTH.

[BTDT2012]

Husband says he's confused..wants us both but can't have us both. With me, he can't have her in his life at all...with her he gets her and still can be friends with me at least.

Herein lies the problem. You tell him that you WILL NOT be friends if his choice is to be with her. You will not be part of his life on any level. The person you have to love now is you. A friend doesn't do what he is doing. Stop enabling him in this sin.

[somuchfortheone]

Herein lies the problem. You tell him that you WILL NOT be friends if his choice is to be with her. You will not be part of his life on any level. The person you have to love now is you. A friend doesn't do what he is doing. Stop enabling him in this sin.

 

I see what you're saying...but i don't know how realistic that is. We have a son that we'll be scheduling time between.. pets... plus I just don't see cutting him off completely. Will our relationship change drastically? Absolutely. We won't be best friends.. probably barely talk. Certainly won't be anyone i go to about anything. But I won't cut him out of my life. I can't go full NC. I just don't see why. I don't see him waking up. I've given up on that. She'll just screw him over the way he screwed me over. Neither one of them will be able to spy their bills.. both selfish.. dishonest... it's just a matter of time before it blows up.

[somuchfortheone]

In don't have time to read all replies sonsoeey if I repeat or miss something.

 

Read my past posts. Very similar, my H said all the same things. We are together now but only because I (eventually after a long time of where you are now) finally stopped letting him have both.

 

Don't let Him have it. "Figure this out" means "I don't want to divorce but I don't want to give his up either so while you wait here for me, I'm gonna go have some fun here till it plays itself out and then I'll come back to you and we can get on with our life. "

 

^^^^^^^this is true and it took me a long time to realize it. A long time of sitting at home while he slept at her place "figuring himself out". Why couldn't he "figure it out " at home? Finally I said "let's just get divorced because you're basically living with someone else". From there, he knew I was serious...still took a bit to untangle himself but we are together and working on R now.

 

You can't let him have his fun without sacrifice. Get a lawyer and tell him you did. Ignore him. Don't be all lovey.

 

And:

 

NO HE DOESNT!!!!!!!

 

My WH thought this too. I said " if we are not together, and you're with HER I don't want to know you or anything about you. You don't get to know me anymore. I'm not going to sit here and be happy for you when this woman who helped you destroy our marriage gets to live what should have been MY life. I don't care if we have kids together, they're old enough to talk to you and make plans on their own. "

 

And I meant that then and I mean it now too. Unless we divorce because it's a decision we both made together without any third party....he doesn't get to be my friend.

 

I stopped talking to him so much. Still sent him info on saving our marriage, but stopped begging and crying and clinging.

 

Anyway.

 

He doesn't get to keep you in the background while this thing plays out. He's out NOW and if he's not. Don't talk to him anymore unless she's gone (if you still want him then)

 

I'm sorry. This sucks.

 

 

 

Girl. Out of all the stories I've read, yours is the closest.. please feel free to message me anytime you need someone to talk to about this. I know how hard it is. I'd love to have someone talk to through this who gets it. Thank you for helping me

[somuchfortheone]

He had his shift picked up tonight to spend the night and tomorrow with her. Apparently they're going out for drinks and then crashing at a hotel with some friends. How mature.

 

Meanwhile today he asksd.. "your birthday is Saturday right?" Me: "no, it's Friday". Doesn't even know when my birthday is. I'm thinking, if you were going to be taking any night off from work you'd think it would be my birthday (especially since my whole family is out of town)..but clearly he had no plans of that. Takes a night off of work to spend with her just because. Nice.

 

I told him I'm filing for divorce. He's moving out of the bedroom ... everything physical stops... the I love yous, miss yous, etc. all done. And I told him we need to meet with a lawyer this week to talk about the home equity. He says "this week's??" Like how can I do that on no notice attitude. I said "I'm sure it won't be a problem for you to take a couple hours off to see an attorney whien you just had a whole shift picked up to drink and crash in a hotel."

Then I told him "you better hurry up and get ready to go... it'll take you 30 minsutes to figure out what you're going to wear." ?

 

Thank you God for the strength. And thank you to all of you who helped me through this awful process so far.

[BTDT2012]

I see what you're saying...but i don't know how realistic that is. We have a son that we'll be scheduling time between.. pets... plus I just don't see cutting him off completely. Will our relationship change drastically? Absolutely. We won't be best friends.. probably barely talk. Certainly won't be anyone i go to about anything. But I won't cut him out of my life. I can't go full NC. I just don't see why. I don't see him waking up. I've given up on that. She'll just screw him over the way he screwed me over. Neither one of them will be able to spy their bills.. both selfish.. dishonest... it's just a matter of time before it blows up.

You can most certainly limit your conversation to financial matters & your child.

[BTDT2012]

He had his shift picked up tonight to spend the night and tomorrow with her. Apparently they're going out for drinks and then crashing at a hotel with some friends. How mature.

 

Meanwhile today he asksd.. "your birthday is Saturday right?" Me: "no, it's Friday". Doesn't even know when my birthday is. I'm thinking, if you were going to be taking any night off from work you'd think it would be my birthday (especially since my whole family is out of town)..but clearly he had no plans of that. Takes a night off of work to spend with her just because. Nice.

 

I told him I'm filing for divorce. He's moving out of the bedroom ... everything physical stops... the I love yous, miss yous, etc. all done. And I told him we need to meet with a lawyer this week to talk about the home equity. He says "this week's??" Like how can I do that on no notice attitude. I said "I'm sure it won't be a problem for you to take a couple hours off to see an attorney whien you just had a whole shift picked up to drink and crash in a hotel."

Then I told him "you better hurry up and get ready to go... it'll take you 30 minsutes to figure out what you're going to wear." ?

 

Thank you God for the strength. And thank you to all of you who helped me through this awful process so far.

 

Do you live in a fault state? Meet with the lawyer without him. I don't know how much equity you have, but you may be able to get him to forego the equity if he wants to be with her so badly.

[somuchfortheone]

Do you live in a fault state? Meet with the lawyer without him. I don't know how much equity you have, but you may be able to get him to forego the equity if he wants to be with her so badly.

 

 

I'm not sure.. I don't want to do that. I want to do what is right and end it with a clear conscious. I don't want him to have any ammunition against me. He loves to blame everything on me. I won't let him do it over this.

[somuchfortheone]

You can most certainly limit your conversation to financial matters & your child.

 

 

For the most part it really will be that way. I don't see a true friendship being possible. It would be too painful for me.

[Bufo]

A few posts ago you mentioned that neither of them would be able to pay their bills. Two things came to my mind

 

First he is wasting marital money on bars and hotels.

 

Second, if child support is to be his obligation you should find out about having a wage garnishment entered for child support.

 

Both of these financial issues require the input of YOUR attorney. I don't know where you live and therefore cannot offer legal advice regarding any solution to these financial issues. But these are issues that deserve consideration.

[somuchfortheone]

A few posts ago you mentioned that neither of them would be able to pay their bills. Two things came to my mind

 

First he is wasting marital money on bars and hotels.

 

Second, if child support is to be his obligation you should find out about having a wage garnishment entered for child support.

 

Both of these financial issues require the input of YOUR attorney. I don't know where you live and therefore cannot offer legal advice regarding any solution to these financial issues. But these are issues that deserve consideration.

 

 

Yes, they are using maritial money to fund the outings.. part of what motivated me to go ahead and file next week. Yes, either of them will be able to pay their bills. On what he earns now, he'll be $499 in the hole each month. She's $200 in the hole each month (these are minimums - before any kind of fat nights, gifts, any extras).... our child is his biological child. I'm technically a stepmom but he calls me mom. There will be no child support, alimony...etc just equity in the home.

[somuchfortheone]

Yes, they are using maritial money to fund the outings.. part of what motivated me to go ahead and file next week. Yes, either of them will be able to pay their bills. On what he earns now, he'll be $499 in the hole each month. She's $200 in the hole each month (these are minimums - before any kind of fat nights, gifts, any extras).... our child is his biological child. I'm technically a stepmom but he calls me mom. There will be no child support, alimony...etc just equity in the home.

 

 

 

 

$400 not $499

[Bufo]

Thanks for the clarification. At least I wasn't offering emotional advice!

And it was a great reply except to the wrong person.

 

Because of your situation, you won't have to have years and years of contact with him.

[somuchfortheone]

Thanks for the clarification. At least I wasn't offering emotional advice!

And it was a great reply except to the wrong person.

 

Because of your situation, you won't have to have years and years of contact with him.

 

 

I am thankful for that. I pray this will be quick and easy. My goal is to me divorced and have him out of the house by 8/1. Does that sound realistic?

[harrybrown]

glad that you are moving on.

 

You do need to be as much no contact as possible.

 

Keep up the 180.

 

I do hope you will still be in your son's life.

[somuchfortheone]

glad that you are moving on.

 

You do need to be as much no contact as possible.

 

Keep up the 180.

 

I do hope you will still be in your son's life.

 

 

Thank you. I just read the 180 again and took screen shots to keep in my phone camera for daily reminders. I don't see him waking up before we're divorced and the more damage he does, I don't know how he could convince me to take him back. I really always wanted our marriage.. still do...but not with who he's been the last 2 years. I don't know if he can ever be who he was before and how could I trust he'd never do this again? Forever is a long time.