Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

<Moderation note: Two threads on a similar topic merged. There may be some duplication or overlap on topical material>

 

My WH is definitely is limerence with the OW. If both are leaving their spouses to be together... how long does it typically take for the limerence to fade?

I know it can take longer if the marriages conitinue... and that actually experiencing being together will mak that die quicker... just wanted to know about people's thoughts:experiences on this..

Edited April 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged

[Mr. Lucky]

He had his shift picked up tonight to spend the night and tomorrow with her. Apparently they're going out for drinks and then crashing at a hotel with some friends. How mature.

 

On what he earns now, he'll be $499 in the hole each month. She's $200 in the hole each month (these are minimums - before any kind of fat nights, gifts, any extras)....

 

How - and why - are you aware of this level of detail regarding their plans together? Let him discuss his budget and social calendar with his OW, your response to any attempt to involve you should be "don't know" and "don't care"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

I'm not sure.. I don't want to do that. I want to do what is right and end it with a clear conscious. I don't want him to have any ammunition against me. He loves to blame everything on me. I won't let him do it over this.

 

You are ending the marriage due to his adultery. The record needs to reflect that. Do you really want to take a chance on having to pay him alimony? At this point what he wants/thinks is irrelevant. With a minor child involved, he could end up with possession of the house. Explan everything to the lawyer, and take his/her advice.

[somuchfortheone]

How - and why - are you aware of this level of detail regarding their plans together? Let him discuss his budget and social calendar with his OW, your response to any attempt to involve you should be "don't know" and "don't care"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because of my constant questions.. I know I shouldn't do it and I've gotten much better at keeping my mouth shut... I still have bad days with obsessive questioning. What if it doesn't work out? How do you know you'd want to be with me in the future and why would you when you aren't happy now? Etc etc etc... what red flags do you see with her? (Money/maturity/responsibility are his concerns... so that lead to her not being able to make her bills and borrowing $400 from her grandfather to just put a deposit down on a place...then once she

Moves in she's $200 in the hole each month...but she's got bigger problems...where should they go out to drink and what hotel should they stay in... that seems to be their concern).

 

I know I'm not supposed to question... I have to stop cold turnkey today.

[somuchfortheone]

You are ending the marriage due to his adultery. The record needs to reflect that. Do you really want to take a chance on having to pay him alimony? At this point what he wants/thinks is irrelevant. With a minor child involved, he could end up with possession of the house. Explan everything to the lawyer, and take his/her advice.

 

Scary stuff. I'll fefinitely be honest with the lawyer but I'd like it to stay as clean as possible. I'm just ready for the next 4 months to fly by. This has been a terrible 2 years. Terrible isn't even a strong enough word. How i haven't lost my mind. Job, or life is an absolute miracle from God.

[Just a Guy]

What exactly is Limerance? I've only heard references to it here and am not sure if it is a word listed in dictionaries. I may be wrong of course. Will be grateful if someone can explain in layman terms what it is. Thanks.

[Cymbeline]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence#

[somanymistakes]

What exactly is Limerance? I've only heard references to it here and am not sure if it is a word listed in dictionaries. I may be wrong of course. Will be grateful if someone can explain in layman terms what it is. Thanks.

 

The definition of limerence I use differs from New Relationship Energy, although they're related. They both involve infatuated love in an early phase of the relationship, but they have slightly different flavors.

 

Limerence is a kind of mad love that is rooted in insecurity, where you're desperately attracted to someone and you think your feelings might be returned, but you are not 100% sure. Sometimes this happens because you have a crush and you haven't actually communicated your feelings, so you're desperately reading signs and signals. Sometimes this happens because the person you're into is running hot-and-cold with you. Push/Pull. Do they really love you or don't they? To achieve a full limerent effect, there has to be enough evidence that they want you for you to believe it's possible, but to lack a solid and reliable foundation. Because falling in love with a married person is inherently unstable, it is ripe for triggering this condition.

 

The obsessive limerent is so emotionally overwrought that they feel physical pain from their longings. They fantasize constantly about the object of their affections, but these fantasies are rooted in things they find at least vaguely plausible. They replay conversations with the love-object over and over again, they reread texts, they wrap themselves in desperate affirmation of their unstable love. The emotions are so strong that almost any obstacle will be instinctively downplayed as not important compared to the need to consummate the love.

friend: "But he's an axe murderer!"

limerent obsessive: "I can work with that!"

 

Limerents have huge moodswings based on how recently they've had contact with their love object and how encouraging that contact was.

 

 

New Relationship Energy (a term more common in the poly community) is the excited honeymoon period when a relationship is new and everything is exciting and wonderful.

 

It can look similar to limerence from the outside because the person with NRE seems obsessed with their new lover and is constantly thinking about them, constantly talking about them, just like a limerent person does. (And probably driving anyone around them just as crazy).

 

People with NRE are basically high on emotions/hormones and this often makes them flake out on their responsibilities in order to devote more time to mooning over their new love interest.

 

 

So the big differences are that someone with NRE is a lot happier than someone with limerence.

 

As for how long it lasts? Limerence can last for years and years if the relationship remains in an unstable state. New Relationship Energy generally wears off in a few months, up to a year maybe.

[NTV]

Not more than 3 years. Usually a lot less.

[Marc878]

My WH is definitely is limerence with the OW. If both are leaving their spouses to be together... how long does it typically take for the limerence to fade?

I know it can take longer if the marriages conitinue... and that actually experiencing being together will mak that die quicker... just wanted to know about people's thoughts:experiences on this..

 

Exposure in most cases will cure that. If done properly.

 

Without warning to all targeted parties at once.

[central]

Almost all relationships start with limerence or NRE - both are infatuation, so it doesn't seem to matter much what you call it. Most new couples eventually develop this into a more mature love, or they break up. The timeframe for this (it's hormonally driven) is usually 12-24 months. Deal breakers or other issues may terminate it abruptly, of course. More time together can either lead to faster discovery of problems, or reinforce that loving feeling.

[Steen719]

Somuchfortheone,

You are so much better than he deserves. You will make it through this and come out on the other side better than you think. It will take time.

 

When I was in my divorce support group a few years ago, most people were in similar situations - infidelity and we were all trying to get through the pain and move forward with our shattered lives. There was a woman there who had moved from Texas to stay with her mother and her 2 children were with her. She had been divorced for over 2 years, so it was a little unusual for her to be in this group, but certainly ok. She was also very devout in her Christianity and she was VERY against divorce, but her XH had been having an affair and intent on marrying another woman and they divorced, whether she wanted it or not. I have to say, she had one of the saddest stories there and this is the reason why. She was STILL hoping and trying to make him come back to her. She had the elders of their church in Texas trying to talk him into coming back. (I thought that was not what they should have agreed to do...but, not my decision) She was just not able to accept that this man did not love her or want to be married to her and it stopped her from moving forward. He was married to someone else and was NOT coming back. I mean, she cried the entire time she talked about her situation. Everyone in that meeting had been hurt, and some were in really horrible situations, but no one had her capacity to hold on to something that was already gone. I have wondered about how she is doing and hope that eventually, she was able to let go of the idea that they were somehow going to be together.

 

Only you can make this life what you want it to be. Get out and have fun with friends. Go on picnics, see beautiful parks, go to movies and out to dinners. Live your life and love your family and friends. This man has made his choice and IT WAS NOT YOU. You must accept this and move on.

 

P.S. When I first divorced and moved out, I used to have dreams that I was back with XH (who had cheated on me 2x, 13 years apart) and I would wake up so happy and then cry to realize it was a dream. After about 6-8 months, I would dream the same dream and wake up SO happy I was not with the cheating scumbag!

 

What are your plans with the son? Contact, continuation of affection and help with school things?

[burnt]

I just read your story from your original thread. I am sorry for the pain you have been going through for so long.

 

Your husband is trying to figure out which woman he wants--you or his OW. In the mean time, your are "taking care of him" and all his needs, and taking care of HIS child.

You are waiting for him to make a decision.

And he is waiting for his OW to make a decision on her divorce.

So, I assume the OW's husband is sitting on her decision as well?

 

So, all these people's lives are being spent on sitting and waiting to see whether or not your MARRIED husband and his MARRIED OW can be a good match for each other in the long run.

 

His actions are beyond ridiculous.

With all due respect, so is yours.

 

Serve him with the divorce papers.

 

These are the possible outcomes:

1. He'll get his senses back and stay with you and fully commit to you.

 

2. He'll choose her and live happily ever after. You will be free from him to start living your life with dignity.

 

3. He'll choose her, but after a while crawl back to you once he realizes he made a mistake giving you up. By then either you will take him back or reject him and choose someone more worthy of your commitment.

 

Any of these options will end the tormenting and humiliating uncertainly you are living with.

 

At the current time, you are choosing the worst possible option: allowing him to continue in an insanely wrong path; but more importantly YOU are destroying yourself in the process.

[cocorico]

how long does it typically take for the limerence to fade?

 

We didn't have limerance. We fell in love during the A, he left his xW, and we've been together ever since. M for several years now.

 

If this is a case of limerance, then spending more time together will introduce reality. But if it's not limerance, then spending more time together will reinforce the realisation that it is love, and that they want to be together. Either way, it should sort out heir feelings for each other. The question is why you would want to wait around on the off-chance of being Plan B. Would you jot prefer to be with someone whose first choice is you?

[somuchfortheone]

I just read your story from your original thread. I am sorry for the pain you have been going through for so long.

 

Your husband is trying to figure out which woman he wants--you or his OW. In the mean time, your are "taking care of him" and all his needs, and taking care of HIS child.

You are waiting for him to make a decision.

And he is waiting for his OW to make a decision on her divorce.

So, I assume the OW's husband is sitting on her decision as well?

 

So, all these people's lives are being spent on sitting and waiting to see whether or not your MARRIED husband and his MARRIED OW can be a good match for each other in the long run.

 

His actions are beyond ridiculous.

With all due respect, so is yours.

 

Serve him with the divorce papers.

 

These are the possible outcomes:

1. He'll get his senses back and stay with you and fully commit to you.

 

2. He'll choose her and live happily ever after. You will be free from him to start living your life with dignity.

 

3. He'll choose her, but after a while crawl back to you once he realizes he made a mistake giving you up. By then either you will take him back or reject him and choose someone more worthy of your commitment.

 

Any of these options will end the tormenting and humiliating uncertainly you are living with.

 

At the current time, you are choosing the worst possible option: allowing him to continue in an insanely wrong path; but more importantly YOU are destroying yourself in the process.

 

You're right - I agree. It's a difficult process. I'm slowly getting there. Thank you for your kind words.

[somuchfortheone]

We didn't have limerance. We fell in love during the A, he left his xW, and we've been together ever since. M for several years now.

 

If this is a case of limerance, then spending more time together will introduce reality. But if it's not limerance, then spending more time together will reinforce the realisation that it is love, and that they want to be together. Either way, it should sort out heir feelings for each other. The question is why you would want to wait around on the off-chance of being Plan B. Would you jot prefer to be with someone whose first choice is you?

 

 

 

I have no doubt that it's limerence with him. With her, I think she likes the attention. Neither of them are making good, responsible decisions. She can't pay her bills but is more concerned with going out drinking and crashing in hotels... he can't pay his bills, is trying to buy a house and they are telling him to pay down his credit card to help get approced... instead he calls out of work to go out drinking with her and crash in a hotel room. I don't think any of what I see seems like a mature love and really a recipe for disaster.

[Bufo]

How long divorce is a function of state law (my state is 90 day or 1&0 day minimum depending on whether there are minor children or not, some states require a period of formal separation before a divorce can be filed) so ask your lawyer.

 

It is also a function of whether it is contested or not (this includes property split disputes, rights to pension, not just divorce or not since one spouse cannot prevent divorce in "no fault" states). Some judges move things along, others are not so strict--apparently wanting the disputes settled before the parties arrive in court for the formalities of granting a divorce.

 

Tip: don't fight over trinkets. Only lawyers benefit from that. Accept the fact that OW may end up having some things you like and you won't.

[DKT3]

These relationships​ fail at a high rate, but it's not because of limerence, it's because it's a relationship that contains two people, both with issues surrounding boundaries, respect, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

 

Alot of times these things are like tripods can stand strong with all three legs but once you remove one it all comes crashing down. WS spend time having the best of both worlds, no matter how they claim after the fact about split emotions and guilt. If it were true then they couldn't do it. Removing yourself forces them to get it all from the AP, who is usually someone the WS doesn't really know in the real world, only inside the bubble were it's all rainbows and unicorns. Even when there are issues it's issues that are all about the relationship itself not real world logistics and time management.

 

All of this, then the second guessing starts, soon after the lack of trust Sparks the issue (personal issues mentioned at the start) that lead to the affair to start with.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I'm not supposed to question...

 

 

Ask yourself - to what purpose?

 

Your H seems narcissistic enough to interpret your interest as validation and approval of what he's doing. And that he'd have so little regard for your pain that he'd discuss with you their life together paints a pretty dark picture.

 

He's no prize. Let him go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somuchfortheone]

Ask yourself - to what purpose?

 

Your H seems narcissistic enough to interpret your interest as validation and approval of what he's doing. And that he'd have so little regard for your pain that he'd discuss with you their life together paints a pretty dark picture.

 

He's no prize. Let him go...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Got a text 4 hours ago "Good afternoon!! How's your day going?"

Ignored it

 

Got a text a few minutes ago "not coming home tonight"

 

So i guess their one night in a hotel turned into two nights.

 

I talked to my dad tonight and he talked me into separating our finances. So I guess I'm going to go ahead and do it. Pull a true 180. Do I say I'm done. No friendship nothing. No family time. It'll just be me and our son?

Do I say unless you wake up and want this again or just "I'm done" period?

Edited April 2, 2017 by somuchfortheone

[road]

Got a text 4 hours ago "Good afternoon!! How's your day going?"

Ignored it

 

Got a text a few minutes ago "not coming home tonight"

 

So i guess their one night in a hotel turned into two nights.

 

I talked to my dad tonight and he talked me into separating our finances. So I guess I'm going to go ahead and do it. Pull a true 180. Do I say I'm done. No friendship nothing. No family time. It'll just be me and our son?

Do I say unless you wake up and want this again or just "I'm done" period?

 

If you are done then go NC on your WH.

If you still want him then tell him you are going NC with him

until he ends his affair and takes steps to not have any more

affairs and for him to make amends for his behavior.

[aileD]

Got a text 4 hours ago "Good afternoon!! How's your day going?"

Ignored it

 

Got a text a few minutes ago "not coming home tonight"

 

So i guess their one night in a hotel turned into two nights.

 

I talked to my dad tonight and he talked me into separating our finances. So I guess I'm going to go ahead and do it. Pull a true 180. Do I say I'm done. No friendship nothing. No family time. It'll just be me and our son?

Do I say unless you wake up and want this again or just "I'm done" period?

 

You can't keep him away from his son. But yes completely ignore him. Even when it comes to your son, he wants to see him, he knows where he lives.

 

Google separation agreements. Fill one out and leave it for him. You don't have to legally file it yet, but it lets him know you're serious.

 

What an ass.

 

He wants to have his fun. What a jerk. Don't allow him to have anything related to your marriage or life. Pack his stuff and move it to the cellar.

 

Ugh. I'm sorry

[somuchfortheone]

If you are done then go NC on your WH.

If you still want him then tell him you are going NC with him

until he ends his affair and takes steps to not have any more

affairs and for him to make amends for his behavior.

 

I'd love him to wake up and care about saving the family.. don't see it happening. I say that it's NC unless he decides to work on himself and us.. and if it never happens, it never happens. I signed up for a marriage not a friendship.

[jenkins95]

I'd love him to wake up and care about saving the family.. don't see it happening. I say that it's NC unless he decides to work on himself and us.. and if it never happens, it never happens. I signed up for a marriage not a friendship.

 

(((somuch)))

 

This really does suck, doesn't it? You are amongst friends here and you are not alone. Millions of people have been through and are going through the c*ap that he has brought into your life. You will be ok eventually.

 

You are doing the right thing in going 180 and enforcing NC. Don't let him have the best of both worlds and just think you are there waiting on whatever decision he decides on. NC may wake him up. A few months down the line the roles may be reversed - you may no longer want him and he may realise too late that he has made a terrible mistake.

 

I was once a cheater and so i have no place in taking any moral high ground, but his behaviour shocks even me. He has treated you and your family appallingly. You have to look after you now - his mess is all his own making.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[somuchfortheone]

(((somuch)))

 

This really does suck, doesn't it? You are amongst friends here and you are not alone. Millions of people have been through and are going through the c*ap that he has brought into your life. You will be ok eventually.

 

You are doing the right thing in going 180 and enforcing NC. Don't let him have the best of both worlds and just think you are there waiting on whatever decision he decides on. NC may wake him up. A few months down the line the roles may be reversed - you may no longer want him and he may realise too late that he has made a terrible mistake.

 

I was once a cheater and so i have no place in taking any moral high ground, but his behaviour shocks even me. He has treated you and your family appallingly. You have to look after you now - his mess is all his own making.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

 

At this point, I'll be shocked if he wakes up. I think once they're in the real world, they'll have no choice but to wake up to reality and then he'll realize what he threw away. I don't see that happening for a good 6 months...I wish I did.

At this point the NC is more to protect me and allow me the space to move on with my life.

Thank you all for taking the time to help me through this...this has been a painful process but I'm getting stronger everyday.