Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[BluesPower]

OP, he is just trying to have it all...

 

He is trying to assuage his guilt. He knows he is a creep. He knows that he has done you wrong. But, this jerk wants to feel good about stomping on you.

 

What you should have said is, "If you are not happy with how I am handling things, you are welcome to do it yourself. Now if you will excuse me, I have other work to do".

 

Then do not talk to him anymore. Let him stew. And continue to repeat that I have nothing to say to you.

 

I am starting to realize that one of your problems is that you are co-dependent with him, and maybe in general.

 

A lot of us are. You need to research Co-dependency. It may help you understand how to handle things.

 

Start being OK with him stewing and you not talking to him. You owe him nothing, he is the one that did this.

[somuchfortheone]

FYI - I'm not a drunk LOL - sorry about all of my typos...I am using the microphone button and they phone translates what I say into text...apparently it's not always very accurate.

[somuchfortheone]

OP, he is just trying to have it all...

 

He is trying to assuage his guilt. He knows he is a creep. He knows that he has done you wrong. But, this jerk wants to feel good about stomping on you.

 

What you should have said is, "If you are not happy with how I am handling things, you are welcome to do it yourself. Now if you will excuse me, I have other work to do".

 

I actually did end up telling him to do it himself and he did. I told him I'm not the only one capable of making a telephone call.

 

 

Then do not talk to him anymore. Let him stew. And continue to repeat that I have nothing to say to you.

 

I am starting to realize that one of your problems is that you are co-dependent with him, and maybe in general.

 

 

Interesting that you say this because I've been researching codependency...I completely agree. I don't think I was in my last relationship...I'm not sure how it happened...I "rescued" him when I met him and he's really like a 16 year old...can't get stuff done...takes forever to do anything, so I just really took over doing everything. I don't know enough about co-dependency yet to truly understand it but I know that I was definitely the care taker and I definitely don't want to ever be in this kind of relationship again...with him or anyone else.

 

A lot of us are. You need to research Co-dependency. It may help you understand how to handle things.

 

Start being OK with him stewing and you not talking to him. You owe him nothing, he is the one that did this

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting

[somuchfortheone]

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

 

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling. (check)
  
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. (2 checks here)
  
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness. (2 checks here)
  

I bolded everything below that applies to me...

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

 

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment (not ANYTHING but certainly fight to save it more than most would)
  
• An extreme need for approval and recognition (a need/desire but not extreme)
  
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  
• A compelling need to control others (I don't feel like it's control as much as protect)
  
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
  
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
  
• Difficulty identifying feelings
  
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  
• Chronic anger (I wouldn't say it's chronic but my anger has been an issue but it's gotten much better)
  
• Lying/dishonesty
  
• Poor communications
  
• Difficulty making decisions
  

[elaine567]

YOU are so focused on the emotional stuff that it is clouding your judgement.

Remember you are not dealing with your "best friend" and your husband any longer, you are now dealing with a couple and that couple certainly do not have your best interests at heart.

They probably know they will be struggling financially and if you are just going to roll over and play dead then you could lose a lot more than you anticipate.

He may not be a very good Dad, but she may be very willing to mother HIS son and where does that leave you? Have you adopted his son?

SHE may be very willing to leave you with nothing, so that is why it is imperative that you see your own lawyer and get clued up on what they can and cannot do.

They are eons ahead of you and whilst you are pining for your lost marriage they may be constructing a trap to tie you in knots legally all whilst he attempts to keep you sweet and compliant in the meantime.

 

DO NOT go down the road of thinking you are the better wife, the better mother, the better anything... Do not think it will all fizzle out and that it is just "limerance", that is hope talking and may be nothing whatsoever to do with reality. (My guess is that she will give him the baby he wants, the baby you refuse to give him)

 

Whatever the real reason may be, HE has chosen her and YOU need to start looking after your own side of the dish and that means getting lawyered up.

He may indeed be a soft touch and would like to keep things peaceful, but I doubt his OW will think the same. She will be out for blood and that blood will be yours...

[BluesPower]

Yes, join the club...somuchfortheone...

 

My co-dependency manifest in the taking care of everyone, which is a type of control.

 

I am getting better about it. Example, oldest boy asked if I had gone to grocery store yet, and disappointed the I have not.

 

I told him that he was 22 YO and he can go the GS anytime he wants, and I will pay for it.

 

He had a very puzzled look on his face.

 

When you stop doing everything for everyone that they can do for themselves, at first they are very confused by you.

 

Over time they learn to do for themselves and your life becomes more manageable...

[somuchfortheone]

YOU are so focused on the emotional stuff that it is clouding your judgement.

Remember you are not dealing with your "best friend" and your husband any longer, you are now dealing with a couple and that couple certainly do not have your best interests at heart.

 

 

You're right.

They probably know they will be struggling financially and if you are just going to roll over and play dead then you could lose a lot more than you anticipate.

He may not be a very good Dad, but she may be very willing to mother HIS son and where does that leave you?

 

 

She's very selfish - I don't see that(his words, multiple times and I'll always be his mom - she can't change that)

Have you adopted his son?

- No

SHE may be very willing to leave you with nothing, so that is why it is imperative that you see your own lawyer and get clued up on what they can and cannot do.

They are eons ahead of you and whilst you are pining for your lost marriage they may be constructing a trap to tie you in knots legally all whilst he attempts to keep you sweet and compliant in the meantime.

 

DO NOT go down the road of thinking you are the better wife, the better mother, the better anything... Do not think it will all fizzle out and that it is just "limerance"

, (He is without a doubt in limerence..he's even said he feels intoxicated and that it may be a midlife crisis and that he doubts if they have what it takes to go the distance...and that he sees economic issues, trust issues, issues with her husband, issues with her being honest and giving straight answers, issues with making time for him...etc - it could last a few years, but I have no doubt she's not the one for him - I may not be either but I know they will not work...neither of them have their crap together)

 

 

that is hope talking and may be nothing whatsoever to do with reality. (My guess is that she will give him the baby he wants, the baby you refuse to give him)

She's fixed and has no desire for another child - she already has two and is done. That's not going to happen.

 

Whatever the real reason may be, HE has chosen her and YOU need to start looking after your own side of the dish and that means getting lawyered up.

He may indeed be a soft touch and would like to keep things peaceful, but I doubt his OW will think the same. She will be out for blood and that blood will be yours..

Probably so - but I'm no idiot and I'm not giving more than half of the equity in the home. I'm not worried about losing anything else. Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting

[somuchfortheone]

Yes, join the club...somuchfortheone...

 

My co-dependency manifest in the taking care of everyone, which is a type of control.

 

I am getting better about it. Example, oldest boy asked if I had gone to grocery store yet, and disappointed the I have not.

 

I told him that he was 22 YO and he can go the GS anytime he wants, and I will pay for it.

 

He had a very puzzled look on his face.

 

When you stop doing everything for everyone that they can do for themselves, at first they are very confused by you.

 

Over time they learn to do for themselves and your life becomes more manageable...

 

 

It's difficult for sure -- I just wonder let's say he did wake up (doubtful) and wanted to work on our marriage...is it even possible to change a codependent relationship into a healthy one?

[BluesPower]

It's difficult for sure -- I just wonder let's say he did wake up (doubtful) and wanted to work on our marriage...is it even possible to change a codependent relationship into a healthy one?

 

Not sure in this case...

 

But you need to understand this. Since you are starting the NC and 180, his is going to notice and it will make him pause.

 

I will also say this, he will at some point, when he gets tired of her, sniff around about coming back to you. Especially when he figure out how much money this is costing him. And, he won't be quite as attractive to the OW when he does not have very much disposable cash.

 

It is possible to become healthy with co-dependency. You marriage has more problems than this though. He does not have any respect or empathy for you. That is the biggest problem.

 

Also, in a while, I think you can meet someone that will actually treat you right. So I would not take him back.

[aliveagain]

I am a little late to the dance but want to add my .02 cents anyway. Girl in what universe is it ever ok that a wife has to compete with another woman for the attention of her cheating husband? He is all in 100% for the marriage or get rid of him, there is no in between. The pain will stop when you decide you've had enough. What is so special about a guy that can't be faithful to you and is banging another man's wife? Nothing, he's just your ordinary cheating, lying, deceitful soon to be ex husband.

 

Stop cooking for him, she can feed him, stop doing his laundry, he can figure that out for himself, stop accommodating him and his affair. Make the affair a bad place to be. Expose them to anyone that has influence over them. The sooner your out of this mind f--k he's put you in the sooner you will be on your path to recovery and available for Mr. Right when he comes along. You need to change your opinion of who he is, he is not a nice man. Time to take the garbage to the curb where it belongs. Why are you letting someone who makes really bad decisions make decisions for you? Take control, lose his number.

[elaine567]

(He is without a doubt in limerence..he's even said he feels intoxicated and that it may be a midlife crisis and that he doubts if they have what it takes to go the distance...and that he sees economic issues, trust issues, issues with her husband, issues with her being honest and giving straight answers, issues with making time for him...etc - it could last a few years, but I have no doubt she's not the one for him - I may not be either but I know they will not work...neither of them have their crap together)

 

But that is what he tells you...

He is a MM with a wife and an OW - to keep both balls in the air, he tells the OW what SHE wants to hear and the wife what SHE wants to hear.

He is NOT going to tell you atm that she is the "love of his life", even if she is. He is living with you still, he needs to keep you on board. He doesn't want to rock the boat any further than it has been.

He doesn't want to burn any bridges either as he may still need you as plan B if she decides to bail on him.

MM are all about themselves and will say and do almost anything to make sure they land on their feet.

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Steen719]

I see some similarities in your situation and mine and I guess that is why I feel so strongly the need to make you see the futility of thinking in terms of he might reconsider and pick you and how you want to be fair and kind and it goes against your grain to not even cook for him.

 

Our (yours and mine) situations are not totally the same, but I also was so used to just doing what needed to be done and helping him that it was unthinkable that I would not continue to do so, even as he was trying to plan a life with another woman.

 

Here is an example. He had enrolled in online classes to go from RN to BSN. I had previously helped him (even taken a few classes for him online-yep, UGH on me) and I teach online, so while I was still living at the house and he was either on the phone, talking or texting his gf and leaving for weekends to be with her, he asked me if I would help him with his classes. True freaking story! The amazing part of that story might be that he actually had the guts to ask me, but what I found incredible was that he was very upset with me that I "just couldn't help him". I mean, after all "we have been married 22 years". NO CLUE! He just had no clue. He called his sister and complained that I wouldn't help him and she must have said to ask nicely and I could hear him tell her that he HAD asked nicely and that he just couldn't believe I could be so mean.

 

That is it in a nutshell, somuch. He just could not imagine I would say no. This sounds like you, too. Your H seems to feel so entitled that it seems OK to him that you would still be friends, supportive and caring to him, even though he is doing the shag with another woman.

 

GET HIM OUT NOW!!!!!!! Trust me....you will start to feel better and gain some perspective on just how nuts it is that he is still living there wanting to be a cozy couple while he waits for his new life to start. He needs to get a reality check - so entitled, so selfish and trying to make you feel that you owe him. Please, get him out. He can land somewhere and plan from there for another life.

[aliveagain]

somuchfortheone if you don't stand up for yourself who will? If you don't value yourself how can you expect him to? When your car keeps breaking down and is unreliable you trade it in for one that is, you need to feel safe. There is nothing safe about your husband, he is broken. He chose a woman that cheats over you, he is no longer your problem and the sooner you get him out of your life the less his problems will interfere with the life you want. Spring is here girl, time for a thorough cleaning.

 

When I decided to take control of my life the first thing I did after changing my finances was to bring home moving boxes. I started packing things that weren't necessary. He needs to see that you are serious and no longer facilitating his stupid behaviour. U-haul, boxes are about 4-6 dollars per box(they have handle cut outs) and they also sell wrapping paper and the really good tape. My ex woke up fast when she came home and saw stacked, packed boxes in the living room and dinning room. Unfortunately for her it was too late, my give a sh*t was max'd out.

[malzy]

[]

 

At parts of this thread you seemed to be facilitating their affair. Talking about money, when will this happen. Talk about co dependence you are trying to control their affair. Not stop it. You think you are trying to stop it but you are failing miserably and you are tearing your heart and self apart doing it.

 

In feb. you were trying the 180, then you were back and saying you could not do it BASICALLY. you never have been willing to lose him. And unfortunatly for you that hasn't worked. You try to take care of things, remind him his other woman wont do that. Instead you should NOT BE REMINDING HIM! fyi, that would piss me off if i was your husband. Its petty, does not matter that its 100% true. Besides the petty-ness of comparing yourself to the OW does not become you.

 

You need NEED NEED to adopt an economy of words, As long as the step son is in your life treat him well as i know you will WITHOUT thinking that his OW wond do for him what you do. QUIT believing your husband would never do this or do that...HE PROMISED TO LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH YOU. his words dont mean ****. If the other woman wants to replace you believe that he will let her. After all she is replacing you as his partner. wake up!

 

He is vile, he acts like his is good and trying to make everyone happy but all he is doing is trying to keep you around to fluff his ego and take care of his ****. AND YOU HAVE BEEN FALLING FOR IT EVERY DAMN TIME.

 

You need to step back. More than 180. Find your anger. it will help power you through the tough things.

 

He has treated you so badly and you have not and will not even begine to recover until you act in a way you yourself can respect. Instead of being this PEOPLE PLEASER. (i am serious when i ask this....are you trying to look like a saint?) because you really just look like his doormat.

 

Please...you are worthy of fidelity, and respect....this jerk isnt giving you either, but he is doing it just nicely enough that you keep hooked.

 

i HOPE i wasnt too harsh. I hope i read from you in either a few weeks or days that you kicked him out.

 

I dont care about finances, you again are being a door mat letting him stay till august or sept. kick him out so pressure is on his AP to start their unicorn fart land fantasy. You are just letting him cake eat and its lengthening the timeframe before their fantasy blows up in their faces.

 

Look at it this way. By letting him stay you are actually IMPROVING their odds at a successful relationship. Why? You are allowing YES ALLOWING them to arrainge the best start for themselves. You really want to deal with seeing them successful a year from now and know that you allowed them to get their poop in a group? Thats some **** I would not want on my mind.

 

You think maybe it would hurt you financially? Divorce is going to hurt you finacially. You need to channel your anger and pull the plug. Stop waiting for him to wake up. By the time he does you will hate him so much....maybe not in the moment, you will be too relieved you won. but 6 months down a year resentment will build and you will have a hard time accepting that you won a worthy prize because your husband was a horrible person and it will be hard to accept that you even wanted him in the first place.

 

 

Please think about my words. Wishing you the best in finding your bitch boots. Im not saying screw him over, im just saying take care of you. He is not going to wake up and go back to happy life, Reconciliation takes time and is its own level of hell. And this affair and how he is doing it is not a good one for Reconciliation. I see little to 0 success with this situation.

 

The sooner you accept that the easier it will be to forgive yourself and to get your self esteem up again.

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BTDT2012]

You bought the house, and you are the only one liable for the debt. This isn't a mutual decision to end the marriage. He would have had to pay rent to live somewhere. No way should you give him half the equity unless the lawyer says he has to. Why should you buy him out of a house that YOU purchased?

[somuchfortheone]

You bought the house, and you are the only one liable for the debt. This isn't a mutual decision to end the marriage. He would have had to pay rent to live somewhere. No way should you give him half the equity unless the lawyer says he has to. Why should you buy him out of a house that YOU purchased?

 

 

Because he's helped pay for half - we bought it together, just used my credit to purchase it.

[somuchfortheone]

[]

 

At parts of this thread you seemed to be facilitating their affair. Talking about money, when will this happen. Talk about co dependence you are trying to control their affair. Not stop it. You think you are trying to stop it but you are failing miserably and you are tearing your heart and self apart doing it.

 

In feb. you were trying the 180, then you were back and saying you could not do it BASICALLY. you never have been willing to lose him. And unfortunatly for you that hasn't worked. You try to take care of things, remind him his other woman wont do that. Instead you should NOT BE REMINDING HIM! fyi, that would piss me off if i was your husband. Its petty, does not matter that its 100% true. Besides the petty-ness of comparing yourself to the OW does not become you.

 

You need NEED NEED to adopt an economy of words, As long as the step son is in your life treat him well as i know you will WITHOUT thinking that his OW wond do for him what you do. QUIT believing your husband would never do this or do that...HE PROMISED TO LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH YOU. his words dont mean ****. If the other woman wants to replace you believe that he will let her. After all she is replacing you as his partner. wake up!

 

He is vile, he acts like his is good and trying to make everyone happy but all he is doing is trying to keep you around to fluff his ego and take care of his ****. AND YOU HAVE BEEN FALLING FOR IT EVERY DAMN TIME.

 

You need to step back. More than 180. Find your anger. it will help power you through the tough things.

 

 

I'm getting there - but I will not act/make decisions in anger. I told him 8/1 and half of the equity and I will honor that. Regardless of what he chooses to honor/dishonor.

 

He has treated you so badly and you have not and will not even begine to recover until you act in a way you yourself can respect. Instead of being this PEOPLE PLEASER. (i am serious when i ask this....are you trying to look like a saint?) because you really just look like his doormat.

 

 

No - this is just who I am - not trying to look like anything. I'm a good person who does the right thing and goes above and beyond for people I love. Yes, I realize in this situation I'm a doormat because he's taken advantage of my niceness. But I'm not going to allow that to change me as a person.

 

Please...you are worthy of fidelity, and respect....this jerk isnt giving you either, but he is doing it just nicely enough that you keep hooked.

 

i HOPE i wasnt too harsh. I hope i read from you in either a few weeks or days that you kicked him out.

 

I dont care about finances, you again are being a door mat letting him stay till august or sept. kick him out so pressure is on his AP to start their unicorn fart land fantasy. You are just letting him cake eat and its lengthening the timeframe before their fantasy blows up in their faces.

 

Look at it this way. By letting him stay you are actually IMPROVING their odds at a successful relationship. Why? You are allowing YES ALLOWING them to arrainge the best start for themselves. You really want to deal with seeing them successful a year from now and know that you allowed them to get their poop in a group? Thats some **** I would not want on my mind.

 

 

At this point, I don't see how it would be possible, even with 4 months to prepare, but if they beat the odds and live happily ever after, God has someone better coming my way.

 

You think maybe it would hurt you financially? Divorce is going to hurt you finacially. You need to channel your anger and pull the plug. Stop waiting for him to wake up. By the time he does you will hate him so much....maybe not in the moment, you will be too relieved you won. but 6 months down a year resentment will build and you will have a hard time accepting that you won a worthy prize because your husband was a horrible person and it will be hard to accept that you even wanted him in the first place.

 

 

Please think about my words. Wishing you the best in finding your bitch boots. Im not saying screw him over, im just saying take care of you. He is not going to wake up and go back to happy life, Reconciliation takes time and is its own level of hell. And this affair and how he is doing it is not a good one for Reconciliation. I see little to 0 success with this situation.

 

 

I think people can change...will he? who knows...my hope is dwindling for sure. And maybe he will and I won't want the marriage again.

 

The sooner you accept that the easier it will be to forgive yourself and to get your self esteem up again

[somuchfortheone]

somuchfortheone if you don't stand up for yourself who will? If you don't value yourself how can you expect him to? When your car keeps breaking down and is unreliable you trade it in for one that is, you need to feel safe. There is nothing safe about your husband, he is broken. He chose a woman that cheats over you, he is no longer your problem and the sooner you get him out of your life the less his problems will interfere with the life you want. Spring is here girl, time for a thorough cleaning.

 

 

You're right - he is broken...clearly I am too...I'm going to focus of working on myself for now. I won't deny I hope he wakes up one day and is truly remorseful...but sounds unlikely..either way, I'm moving forward with my life.

 

When I decided to take control of my life the first thing I did after changing my finances was to bring home moving boxes. I started packing things that weren't necessary. He needs to see that you are serious and no longer facilitating his stupid behaviour. U-haul, boxes are about 4-6 dollars per box(they have handle cut outs) and they also sell wrapping paper and the really good tape. My ex woke up fast when she came home and saw stacked, packed boxes in the living room and dinning room. Unfortunately for her it was too late, my give a sh*t was max'd out.

 

 

I am going to contact a coworker's daughter today to get the paperwork rolling...go to the bank to open my own account tomorrow...and will also ask about a home equity line...go to the gym to drop my membership (budget reasons)...I have a few things to do. Tomorrow is my birthday and this is what I'll be spending my birthday/day off doing. I think he'll know I'm serious tomorrow, if not yet.

[somuchfortheone]

I see some similarities in your situation and mine and I guess that is why I feel so strongly the need to make you see the futility of thinking in terms of he might reconsider and pick you and how you want to be fair and kind and it goes against your grain to not even cook for him.

 

Our (yours and mine) situations are not totally the same, but I also was so used to just doing what needed to be done and helping him that it was unthinkable that I would not continue to do so, even as he was trying to plan a life with another woman.

 

Here is an example. He had enrolled in online classes to go from RN to BSN. I had previously helped him (even taken a few classes for him online-yep, UGH on me) and I teach online, so while I was still living at the house and he was either on the phone, talking or texting his gf and leaving for weekends to be with her, he asked me if I would help him with his classes. True freaking story! The amazing part of that story might be that he actually had the guts to ask me, but what I found incredible was that he was very upset with me that I "just couldn't help him". I mean, after all "we have been married 22 years". NO CLUE! He just had no clue. He called his sister and complained that I wouldn't help him and she must have said to ask nicely and I could hear him tell her that he HAD asked nicely and that he just couldn't believe I could be so mean.

 

 

WOW - I can't even imagine...unreal.

 

That is it in a nutshell, somuch. He just could not imagine I would say no. This sounds like you, too. Your H seems to feel so entitled that it seems OK to him that you would still be friends, supportive and caring to him, even though he is doing the shag with another woman.

 

 

Yep - it's pretty insane how he thinks...It's like no sense of reality at all. He wouldn't tolerate this from me for a second.

 

GET HIM OUT NOW!!!!!!! Trust me....you will start to feel better and gain some perspective on just how nuts it is that he is still living there wanting to be a cozy couple while he waits for his new life to start. He needs to get a reality check - so entitled, so selfish and trying to make you feel that you owe him. Please, get him out. He can land somewhere and plan from there for another life

[somuchfortheone]

But that is what he tells you...

He is a MM with a wife and an OW - to keep both balls in the air, he tells the OW what SHE wants to hear and the wife what SHE wants to hear.

He is NOT going to tell you atm that she is the "love of his life", even if she is. He is living with you still, he needs to keep you on board. He doesn't want to rock the boat any further than it has been.

He doesn't want to burn any bridges either as he may still need you as plan B if she decides to bail on him.

MM are all about themselves and will say and do almost anything to make sure they land on their feet.

 

 

I don't disagree with you. But I know that he is in limerence. I've been married to him for 8 years. Will they work out? who knows. But he's in limerence non the less.

[BTDT2012]

Because he's helped pay for half - we bought it together, just used my credit to purchase it.

 

Has he paid for half of all expenses throughout your marriage? Do you have the cash to buy him out? And he could very well insist on the house being sold, rather than allow you to keep it. I will say once again, talk to any attorney and follow his/her advice.

 

If he was a decent man, he would walk away with his personal belongings and leave you in peace.

[BTDT2012]

ub

 

I am going to contact a coworker's daughter today to get the paperwork rolling...go to the bank to open my own account tomorrow...and will also ask about a home equity line...go to the gym to drop my membership (budget reasons)...I have a few things to do. Tomorrow is my birthday and this is what I'll be spending my birthday/day off doing. I think he'll know I'm serious tomorrow, if not yet.

 

RIght now, what he thinks is irrelevant

 

Enjoy your birthday. Since his name is on the house, you can't get a home equity loan without his signature.

 

I encourage you to get angry and tap into that anger to help you make good financial decisions. Even Jesus go angry and threw the money lenders out of the temple. And I would encourage you to read " I Don't Love You Anymore", by David Clarke, PhD. It gives a biblical approach to dealing with the devastation of an affair. Here is one quote, "God does nor want us to ignore or enable sin."

[aileD]

There is something I have learned through my experience with my husband's affair and during our reconciliation:

 

It's ok to be a nice person. I'm that way too. I wouldn't change that about me either.

 

But don't cross the line into martyrdom.

 

Don't fall into doormat territory

 

And don't let your niceness and integrity be taken advantage of.

 

(((Hugs)))

[elaine567]

 

I am going to contact a coworker's daughter today to get the paperwork rolling...go to the bank to open my own account tomorrow...and will also ask about a home equity line...go to the gym to drop my membership (budget reasons)...I have a few things to do. Tomorrow is my birthday and this is what I'll be spending my birthday/day off doing. I think he'll know I'm serious tomorrow, if not yet.

 

You need to get your ducks in a row and keep him in the dark,

I know you want to tell him everything you are doing so you can somehow shame or scare him into staying, but all you will be doing is informing him of your plans and he may use that all against you.

 

Start thinking smart. Keep your cards close to your chest.

[somuchfortheone]

There is something I have learned through my experience with my husband's affair and during our reconciliation:

 

It's ok to be a nice person. I'm that way too. I wouldn't change that about me either.

 

But don't cross the line into martyrdom.

 

Don't fall into doormat territory

 

And don't let your niceness and integrity be taken advantage of.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

 

Thank you!

I'm getting there.. last night he asked me how often I would want to see our son and I said "I don't want anything concrete..." and he said, "well, think about how often you'd like to see him." but I could tell he wanted an answer right then and I wasn't ready to give him one. He said "I'm open to everyday". and I said, "No. That's not going to happen. You're not going to use me."

 

 

I'm thinking two days a week. I know biological fathers that only see their kids every other weekend...and I've been home raising him for 8 years while he's never home and clearly making new relationships and plans to move on without me...I think it's his turn to step up to the plate.