Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 No..he isn't marrying her. They are going to date though.. I know it sounds insane...that's why I'm asking is this a midlife crisis...limerence...has anyone experienced this? He was a great husband until this situation...a really good guy... No no no no no He doesn't get to do this Because you are going to tell him you are not waiting around for him to make up his mind... Oh dear god seeetheart... you don't deserve to be treated like this and if you don't respect yourself ... he is certainly not going to respect you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 so you think it's all a lie...he really wants to spend forever with her...and he's just keeping me on the back burner incase it falls apart? But wouldn't he go all in to give it the best chance of success? what girl would want to live in a house two doors down from the ex? No, he really wants it all. His wife, his family, his kids, his mistress. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 so you think it's all a lie...he really wants to spend forever with her...and he's just keeping me on the back burner incase it falls apart? But wouldn't he go all in to give it the best chance of success? what girl would want to live in a house two doors down from the ex? No ... he doesn't want to spend forever with her.. he wants to bang her... and he knows you are going to let him and then he can come right back home to you. Oh sweet lady... please get a backbone and send him packing You might be surprised if you tell him NO!!! This is not happening that his play thing might not be worth it. If he thinks he gets to do both... he will 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 No no no no no He doesn't get to do this Because you are going to tell him you are not waiting around for him to make up his mind... Oh dear god seeetheart... you don't deserve to be treated like this and if you don't respect yourself ... he is certainly not going to respect you I'm not going to wait on him...I told him that already...I'm just asking...do you really think it's all crap? Or is he slowly coming out of limerence...midlife crisis...what does it sound like to you? If he really thought she was the one...I think he'd be all in. It seems like he is confused. Or is it really that black and white? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Stop looking for reasons to listen to his words while discounting his actions. He is a cake-eater and you are allowing it. He has no problem with disrespecting you right in your face. I wish I could hug you, you are worth so much more than this. thank you...this is an absolute nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Stop worrying about what he thinks and what he's feeling. He isn't thinking about you, trust me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 No ... he doesn't want to spend forever with her.. he wants to bang her... and he knows you are going to let him and then he can come right back home to you. Oh sweet lady... please get a backbone and send him packing You might be surprised if you tell him NO!!! This is not happening that his play thing might not be worth it. If he thinks he gets to do both... he will So this is my predicament...he is going to live in the home until 8/1 (I've already agreed to it...not backing down)...I've told him I'll be watching our son (his bio son) two week nights a week after the divorce...I thought a lot about it...I was home with his son and did 99% of raising him on my own...I feel like it's his time to step up to the plate and I need to create a life of my own (as he's been working on doing the same for 1.5 years)... so...when you say tell him no, what do you mean? I'm not going to throw him out...so what can I really do? I just think at this point he's made up his mind..if I say no family time, no friendship...well he'll still divorce me and we just won't have a relationship at all...but that's certainly not what I want. I am just so confused on what the right thing to do is. Do people only really reconcile with the BS goes NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 So this is my predicament...he is going to live in the home until 8/1 (I've already agreed to it...not backing down)...I've told him I'll be watching our son (his bio son) two week nights a week after the divorce...I thought a lot about it...I was home with his son and did 99% of raising him on my own...I feel like it's his time to step up to the plate and I need to create a life of my own (as he's been working on doing the same for 1.5 years)... so...when you say tell him no, what do you mean? I'm not going to throw him out...so what can I really do? I just think at this point he's made up his mind..if I say no family time, no friendship...well he'll still divorce me and we just won't have a relationship at all...but that's certainly not what I want. I am just so confused on what the right thing to do is. Do people only really reconcile with the BS goes NC? Should I suggest he move near her? Tell him we won't be spending time together alone or as a family? What would you honestly do to make him think I'm serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 He is not going no contact ... Look ... this man has the power to stop the divorce.. he has the power to stop seeing this woman. He doesn't want to stop You are grasping at straws ... oh sweet .. you are killing me here. This man is using you and you are letting him. He does not give a rats arse about you all he cares about is himself. Are you in therapy? Do you have a mom or sister or really good friend you can tell all this crap to? Good grief... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 You're in shock, just as if you'd been in a car wreck. He has the advantage, he's known about all this, it's still fresh for you. You need to turn that around on him. Go research doing a 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Should I suggest he move near her? Tell him we won't be spending time together alone or as a family? What would you honestly do to make him think I'm serious? You suggest he goes straight to hell... May I ask ... how old are you? Is this your only marriage? He obviously was married before since he has a child. Maybe you should ask his ex wife why they divorced 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 So this is my predicament...he is going to live in the home until 8/1 (I've already agreed to it...not backing down)...I've told him I'll be watching our son (his bio son) two week nights a week after the divorce...I thought a lot about it...I was home with his son and did 99% of raising him on my own...I feel like it's his time to step up to the plate and I need to create a life of my own (as he's been working on doing the same for 1.5 years)... so...when you say tell him no, what do you mean? I'm not going to throw him out...so what can I really do? I just think at this point he's made up his mind..if I say no family time, no friendship...well he'll still divorce me and we just won't have a relationship at all...but that's certainly not what I want. I am just so confused on what the right thing to do is. Do people only really reconcile with the BS goes NC? You divorce him, don't wait for him to divorce you. And no, you don't agree to any specific time with your son. He needs to feel the ramifications of his decision. Has he filed for divorce. Why do you want to keep a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt? What he is doing to you is abusive. I really think you would benefit from IC. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Cut her some slack folks, speaking from experience, when you first find out all you can think of is how to save your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Cut her some slack folks, speaking from experience, when you first find out all you can think of is how to save your marriage. We have all walked this road Some of us have walked it from both ends You cannot save a marriage by yourself This man clearly is using her kindness and compassion and love to his own benefit and she is allowing him to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 You suggest he goes straight to hell... May I ask ... how old are you? Is this your only marriage? He obviously was married before since he has a child. Maybe you should ask his ex wife why they divorced I'm 33, he's 34, both of our first marriages...been married for 8 years. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Cut her some slack folks, speaking from experience, when you first find out all you can think of is how to save your marriage. This has been going on for 18 months. I would like for her to waste less time that I wasted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 This has been going on for 18 months. I would like for her to waste less time that I wasted. I guess I missed the part about 18 months, although it was still pretty fresh for me then. Point taken though, I wasted the better part of 10 years trying to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 We have all walked this road Some of us have walked it from both ends You cannot save a marriage by yourself This man clearly is using her kindness and compassion and love to his own benefit and she is allowing him to do so. I need action items...like...what do I say and what do I do? I'm not going to be an a-hole and say "go to hell". But if I need to not do family nights...lunches...talk casually...then that's what I'll do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I'm not going to wait on him...I told him that already...I'm just asking...do you really think it's all crap? Or is he slowly coming out of limerence...midlife crisis...what does it sound like to you? If he really thought she was the one...I think he'd be all in. It seems like he is confused. Or is it really that black and white? At 34, he is not having a midlife crisis. I understand wanting to save your marriage, I really do. But not at any cost. You may have said you're not going to "wait on him", but your actions prove otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 You divorce him, don't wait for him to divorce you. And no, you don't agree to any specific time with your son. He needs to feel the ramifications of his decision. Has he filed for divorce. Why do you want to keep a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt? What he is doing to you is abusive. I really think you would benefit from IC. No he hasn't filed...I have to do it...but first need to figure out the home equity stuff... Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I need action items...like...what do I say and what do I do? I'm not going to be an a-hole and say "go to hell". But if I need to not do family nights...lunches...talk casually...then that's what I'll do. No family nights, no casual conversation, no sleeping together, no meals. Does your son know that they (he and his father) will be moving? No wifely duties. Have you separated your finances? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 At 34, he is not having a midlife crisis. I understand wanting to save your marriage, I really do. But not at any cost. You may have said you're not going to "wait on him", but your actions prove otherwise. Ok...if I'm hearing you all correctly...he doesn't see forever with this girl..he wants to bang her...and I agree...I don't think he's thinking forever... so...given my situation...what do I do to show him that I'm moving on...not be an a-hole...but show him there are consequences... do I tell him we won't have family nights? no lunches? since you really see a future with this girl...move near her? what would you do? I just need some action items to stick to. I won't A) cuss him out...b) kick him out c) be cold...I'm going to be cordial while he's still in the home but try to not interact much...I just need help. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I need action items...like...what do I say and what do I do? I'm not going to be an a-hole and say "go to hell". But if I need to not do family nights...lunches...talk casually...then that's what I'll do. Search google for "What is a 180 and how does it work" Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I need action items...like...what do I say and what do I do? I'm not going to be an a-hole and say "go to hell". But if I need to not do family nights...lunches...talk casually...then that's what I'll do. Babe ... oh god you are younger than my own daughter!! Listen to me... you don't have to be mean .. but don't make it easy for him. He's the big stud here... let him figures it all out. Pretend he no longer exists in your world. Don't do anything to enable him to be a jerk. You truly need to do the 180 with this guy. You just became the center of your own universe and he is not a part of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 No family nights, no casual conversation, no sleeping together, no meals. Does your son know that they (he and his father) will be moving? No wifely duties. Have you separated your finances? Yes our son knows they'll be moving soon. Haven't separated finances because he is trying to buy a house by 8/1. Once that goes through everything will be separated. Link to post Share on other sites
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