Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

Thanks a lot. I really appreciate that. Helps hearing things like that.

[somuchfortheone]

Wow, you're far more then this jack@$$ deserves.

 

You do know there are tons of solid faithful men out there who would treat you well, don't you?

 

Thanks so much... I really appareciate that. Helps hearing things like that.

[somuchfortheone]

If we could upvote comments, I would definitely upvote this one.

 

Thanks! Means a lot

[somuchfortheone]

You know when I bailed? When her Entitlement trumped my commitment. You're allowing your husband to choose. Nope. He choose when he said "I do".

 

Part of this falls on you. You allow this to happen. Kick him out. He's in a fog right now. Nothing you say will change his mind. And no, waiting it out will not solve anything.

 

Try the daughter test. What would you say to your daughter if she told you this story?

 

 

You are absolutely right. I can't kick him out. We have debt we have to pay down, also he really doesn't have any options of places to live in this state and since I've been raising his son as my own for the past 8 years, I wouldn't want him to be affected by that. I'd rather wait until he has a place for them to go to. But, you're right.. he chose when he said "I do". And what he is doing isn't right and I'm sobering up to how crazy this situation has become. Thank you for your feedback, it's helped a lot.

[somuchfortheone]

Why are you sitting around waiting for them to sort out their mess? He is waiting 3, 6, 9 months to pull the trigger and the whole time you are sitting there like a lost puppy hoping he chooses you.

 

Time to make the decision for yourself. Leave.

 

Yes, I know. It's ridiculous. I'm not even a weak person. I just thought he was the one and marriage was for better or worse, sickness and health. The problem is, he doesn't. I can't be in enough for both of us. He's got to pull his own weight and he isn't willing to truly work on things, obviously.

[somuchfortheone]

Why are you sitting around waiting for them to sort out their mess? He is waiting 3, 6, 9 months to pull the trigger and the whole time you are sitting there like a lost puppy hoping he chooses you.

 

Time to make the decision for yourself. Leave.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This post makes me so sad.

 

I ageee, I think you should take control and throw the papers at him. Make him feel threatened. How could you just stay there, waiting for your own husband to choose you?

 

granted, I've been doing the same, but you see, I am the other woman in this. But I don't have a husband. He's the married one. I've put my life on hold while he lived his life with her.

 

That isn't fair. And it's not fair for you.

 

I feel ashamed talking to you because I'm the OW, you're the wife. Feels like we're sworn enemies right? lol

 

I have been trying to move on from Mr-one woman isn't enough for me. I think you should too.

 

I don't judge you.. I just hope you find the strength to get out of your situation and find someone who is available and willing to give all of theirself to you. You and I both deserve that.

[somuchfortheone]

I was much like you, I sat around waiting for my ex husband to choose me. Took me five years to realize I didn't want to be his "option". I lost myself, I forgot the person I am, I was wrapped up in trying to fix him and us. There was no us anymore once he decided to step out. There was only me.

 

Honey it will never happen. He was suppose to have chosen you the day he said I do to you.

 

Pick up your dignity and get rid of him. Trust me. Even if he decides he wants you over this woman, it might not be the case with the next one.

 

Instead of "waiting for him to chose", You make the choice for him. File for divorce. Staying in this marriage will only get worse.

 

 

Well I took your advice, I didn't file but I told him I was done. Here's the message I sent (I changed her name for privacy):

 

I've been thinking about everything and I think you need to really focus 100% on your relationship with Karen. She makes you happy and I want that for you. You really need to put all of your eggs in that basket. It's your only chance at a successful relationship with her. I no longer want to work on our marriage. Regardless what Karen and her husbands timeline looks like or what they decide to or not to do, I'm ready for the divorce. Whenever you have time to get the paperwork together, I will sign them. I wish y'all both lots of happiness. Truly.

 

For me, this was huge. Have never said I didn't want to work on the marriage.. through everything I've tried to make it work.

[Lady2163]

I'm also an ex-ow and your post made me just a touch speechless for a few minutes.

 

I know you've built a life with this man and you're entangled with him financially, emotionally and through raising his son.

 

But you deserve better. If you read around on here long enough you will see a phrase repeated or a variation of the phrase. Never make someone a priority who only considers you an option.

 

I'm single. I'm neck deep in online dating, which is soul crushing. I'm a bit overweight. I had a good first date with a man who is seven years younger than I am - which appeals to me. He is a better looking man than I am a woman. BUT, he didn't have $1 to his name since our date was on payday. He may be better looking, but the last time I couldn't afford my own beer was 30 years ago when I was a starving college kid.

 

Next time we were going out was supposed to be a Friday night. Thursday night he texts me and tell me he will "have to let me know Friday morning" if our date is still on because he won't know until then if he has to work Saturday.

 

I refused to do that. First of all: so what if the date is on a work night? You will still get 6-8 hours of sleep. Second of all: I'm not going to be a last-minute woman. I set my limits with him and haven't heard from him since. So, I'm fine with that, because I know my limits. I'd be pissed as hell to have plans cancelled at the last minute.

 

You need to know your limits and set them with your husband. People on here talk about dignity and such, you need to know what line you're not willing to cross.

 

Personally, as hard as it is, if you don't have a house together, if I were you, I'd go tell my parents what is happening and then I'd sit down and figure out every single bill. If you're parents can help, great. If not, plan B. Which could involve bankruptcy.

 

You shouldn't have to be mommy to a step child and an active bill payer for his debts for the next year. You deserve better.

 

I couldn't do it. I don't cope with being in limbo very well and I certainly don't deal with a 3rd party who could care less about me, deciding my future.

[somuchfortheone]

Im sorry you're going through this but even if it doesn't work out with this girl, he's going to do it again bc he has absolutely no respect for you & honestly you're showing you have no respect for yourself. Yes, we as humans should show others respect but if one doesn't even have it for themselves, how can one expect anyone else to have it for them?

 

Show yourself some respect in this situation, you want to be married bc you & your husband love each other & want to be married...why would you want to be married to a man that only keeps you as jos wife bc he can walk all over you? You're better than that, any human is better than that.

 

My advice is for you to go to IC & figure out why you're allowing this for yourself...& don't use love as an excuse. One can love someone & choose not be treated like this & loving someone doesn't mean you belong with them. Good luck to you

 

 

You're right.. 100%. This isn't how it should be. Therapy may help but I think I just wanted my marriage to last forever and I thought we could work through it but i can't do the work for both of us. Thanks for your feedback.

[somuchfortheone]

Im sorry you're going through this but even if it doesn't work out with this girl, he's going to do it again bc he has absolutely no respect for you & honestly you're showing you have no respect for yourself. Yes, we as humans should show others respect but if one doesn't even have it for themselves, how can one expect anyone else to have it for them?

 

Show yourself some respect in this situation, you want to be married bc you & your husband love each other & want to be married...why would you want to be married to a man that only keeps you as jos wife bc he can walk all over you? You're better than that, any human is better than that.

 

My advice is for you to go to IC & figure out why you're allowing this for yourself...& don't use love as an excuse. One can love someone & choose not be treated like this & loving someone doesn't mean you belong with them. Good luck to you

 

Tell him to get out. Stop doing the pick me dance. Stop waiting for him to choose. Choose yourself, tell him to leave. if he doesn't leave, you should. Yes, there is a chance he might wake up, but unless he does his work, deals with what is lacking in him, this story will repeat.

 

You're right .. thank you for helping me see that. I told him I was done and ready to sign the papers.

[somuchfortheone]

I know! I know! I know!

 

For many people here the story is different (similar but so very different mentally). D-day happens & things get resolved, one way or another. There's something to work with, one way or another.

 

When a passive-aggressive, unbelievable cruel, selfishing d**k with zero empathy pulls this kind of crap AND it goes on & on & on & on you do not recognize how broken & pathetically INSANE it makes YOU! (Please believe me. I mean that in the kindest way. I've been PATHETICALLY INSANE too!)

 

It's only when you write it out, like you have here, that you start to see how ridiculous & self destructive your 'logic' has become.

 

Read some of my posts & you'll get an idea of where I'm coming from. If I could turn back time (& not been in shock, shattered, desperate & lost) I would of done things completely differently.

 

Do you want to 'save' your marriage?

 

* Tell him what a cruel MONSTER he is being & hit him with divorce papers!!

 

* Tell him how you loved the man you thought he was & you could love the man you think he could be BUT you have more self-respect (I know you clearly don't but lie!) than to put-up with this abusive s**t for one more day!

 

* Tell him that if he contacts her again (other than a dumping letter) he will NEVER see you again AND MEAN IT!!

 

 

PLEASE believe me, if you continue with this 'plan' you will either loose him (good!) or you will grow to loathe him & YOURSELF!!

 

I've made ALL of the excuses. 'He's having a mental break', 'Its a midlife crisis', 'This isn't him. Give him space & he will realize how he doesn't want her' etc etc. The truth is he will carry-on with this ridiculous game, totally oblivious to the emotional carnage he is inflicting, until YOU stop it!!

 

He's living a romance novel. Message by sappy romantic message he has created a story. He hasn't even spent a day in real life with this woman. Look at it this way....you love him? Right? Why would you deprive a man you truly love of his 'soul mate' 'The love of his life'???? Let them have each-other!!! He's either going to go or he's not. My guess is "not" IF YOU THROW HIM OUT!!

 

You are being weak & pathetic (been there, done that) as time goes on he will treat you worse & worse because every day that passes his romance story WITH HER is building. You & her husband are the enemy. Have you had the 'opportunity' to read the things he's written about YOU?

 

At the moment you are giving him all of the power. Think about how that makes you look to him!! He has no empathy or compassion for you. I've lived it!! Please, PLEASE, you are doing everything wrong! The day my H stopped his fantasy story was the day I told him that he should go marry her, build a family with her, love her because HE HAD LOST ME!!

 

His reaction was immediate! He cried "Why do I only realize what I'm doing when it's gone too far?". He threatened suicide! (Passive aggressive manipulation). He stopped all contact with her!!

 

We built a great life in the USA for 18 years. We lived in our dream house. He had a very lucrative career. We had friends, a life! All of that has gone now. He has given-up everything, moved back home to England to live with MY PARENTS. He's looking for a job. He says that he loves me all the time. He wants to grow old with ME. I'm his life.

 

Do you want to know the truth? I can't get over it. I just can't. It's NOT the affair!! It's the way he treated me for 9 MONTHS! It can't be the love that it was before. It's lost its innocence. I KNOW that he can do THAT to me! (NOT the affair!) he can inflict that agony on me & carry on torturing & breaking me, day after day, week after week, month after month!! He is capable of treating me with utter contempt while I shatter & fall. That love is ugly & agonizing. That love is selfish & cruel.

 

HE CAN look me in my tear stained eyes & say those things! I look at HIM with contempt now. He 'just can't help himself!', how can I respect a man who can say & do those things? How can I ever be open & vulnerable after being put in competition for our MARRIAGE!! I don't want to WIN my husband...that's stupid!! We are supposed to be PARTNERS.

 

The world is full of attractive women & men. The day we take our vows we choose which one we want to share our lives with. We can no longer 'try other women on for size!!'. Is this REALLY the life you imagined when you said "I do"? Great love story!!!

 

P.S.

PLEASE don't think that having children with him is going to make the slightest bit of difference. It's just going to put more pressure on his childish self & make him even MORE likely to 'fall in love' with another woman who comes across his computer screen!!

 

 

Thank you for the long, extremely helpful post... I really appreciate your tough love. I needed to hear it and I heard it load and clear. Thank you for waking me up out of my own fog. So focused on his dog, hadn't realized the fog I was in myself. Thank you!

[somuchfortheone]

Actually...the more I truly thought about it, the less crazy it started to sound .

 

BUT. Let's say that he does get to be with her for whatever period of time, and then things go bust for them, and then he comes crawling back to you.

At that point, how would you have to be feeling about yourself, to make it okay within your own heart and mind to take him back?

And then, let's say that you do manage to find it within yourself to take him back whenever he decides or gets kicked out and desperate enough to come crawling back - how is all of it going to play on your heart and mind and psyche over the long-term?

 

The ramifications on your own sense of self and worth and dignity could be astronomical. I would deeply consider if it is worth the price.

 

Sending hugs, and Love and Light.

Ronni

 

I am thinking about that actually... the trail of destruction this divorce is going to leave, the affair, the lies, the imbalance in our marriage... so many things, I don't know if I'll want him back if/when he has a wake up call... and that saddens me because I just never saw us not spending our lives together.

[Purepony]

Wow, you're far more then this jack@$$ deserves.

 

You do know there are tons of solid faithful men out there who would treat you well, don't you?

 

 

I love when they thrown this line out haha

Oh really where ?

 

And are they just waiting by the sidelines ?

Haha funny

[somuchfortheone]

PLEASE read this again & again until it sinks in!

 

My husband did this to me. He stayed with me. 12 YEARS later we were at a weak point (I had life-saving surgery) & he did it AGAIN WITH THE SAME WOMAN!!

 

All it took was her to send a one word message, "Hey!" over Linked-In & he started AGAIN!!

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

 

I had no dignity & self-respect the first time. Deep inside he knew that he could do this to me AGAIN & I would take it!

 

I have 2 young children & im a very sick lady. PLEASE don't make the same mistakes as me. You will live to regret this for the rest of your life.

 

You are so blinded by not loosing him that you can't see that you have already lost the man he was. You will NEVER look, feel, love him the same again!

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

 

I cry for you. How does it feel to sink so low that internet strangers pity you?

 

FOREVER he is the man who CAN do this to you

 

 

I am so, so sorry that happened to (and twice)...I cannot even imagine the heartache. Very eye opening personal experience. Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate your words.

[Purepony]

Op I'm sorry

I admire your kind and devoted heart to stay and try to even work this out after all you've been through

[aileD]

JUst a caution about telling family members.

 

Just make sure you aren't bluffing and you are really done with the marriage. Because as soon as you let your family know what he did to you, they will hate him and that will cause problems if you do decide to reconcile .

 

 

I made that mistake.

[somuchfortheone]

Op I'm sorry

I admire your kind and devoted heart to stay and try to even work this out after all you've been through

 

 

 

Thanks for your kind words and being so understanding

[somuchfortheone]

JUst a caution about telling family members.

 

Just make sure you aren't bluffing and you are really done with the marriage. Because as soon as you let your family know what he did to you, they will hate him and that will cause problems if you do decide to reconcile .

 

 

I made that mistake.

 

Shockingly, my family is pretty understanding and forgiving. But, I know they want better for me also.

[fireflywy]

So basically you want to be plan B backup? Come on you're better than that. BURN the bridge.

 

At the moment, I can't say I have much sympathy for your situation as YOU, not he, are the architect of what happens next. You are deciding to share your man who supposedly "loves" you. This isn't love regardless of how much he may pontificate that he loves you.

 

 

What is so special about this man that you'd let him cheat on you, disrespect you, and manipulate you? You need to really find out what it is, realize it isn't real, and then move on.

Edited January 26, 2017 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Well I took your advice, I didn't file but I told him I was done. Here's the message I sent (I changed her name for privacy):

 

I've been thinking about everything and I think you need to really focus 100% on your relationship with Karen. She makes you happy and I want that for you. You really need to put all of your eggs in that basket. It's your only chance at a successful relationship with her. I no longer want to work on our marriage. Regardless what Karen and her husbands timeline looks like or what they decide to or not to do, I'm ready for the divorce. Whenever you have time to get the paperwork together, I will sign them. I wish y'all both lots of happiness. Truly.

 

For me, this was huge. Have never said I didn't want to work on the marriage.. through everything I've tried to make it work.

 

Don't give him your sympathy. You're his wife; NOT a martyr. This just releases him of guilt. You should go 180 and disengage completely.

[cocorico]

Well I took your advice, I didn't file but I told him I was done. Here's the message I sent (I changed her name for privacy):

 

Not really, no. You told him you would stop being an obstacle in his pursuit of happiness. See bolded, below:

 

I've been thinking about everything and I think you need to really focus 100% on your relationship with Karen. She makes you happy and I want that for you. You really need to put all of your eggs in that basket. It's your only chance at a successful relationship with her. I no longer want to work on our marriage. Regardless what Karen and her husbands timeline looks like or what they decide to or not to do, I'm ready for the divorce. Whenever you have time to get the paperwork together, I will sign them. I wish y'all both lots of happiness. Truly.

 

This is very different to the advice you were given, so you didn't follow it. The advice you were given focused on *your* happiness, and *your* best interests. Your message to him did the opposite. It cast you as a burden to him and centred everything on _his_ (and her) happiness. It made "a successful relationship with her" the key goal. It really is a WS's dream! He has your blessing to walk away from the M, knowing that you share his view that the only thing that counts in life is his - and her - happiness! You've gotten with the programme! He was right all along to pursue this woman and romscrew you and your M over - you've just validated that for him!

 

This is how I would have written that message:

 

"I've been thinking about everything and it's clear your heart / interest is elsewhere. I gave you the opportunity to work on recovering our marriage, which you've not taken. This makes it clear to me that our marriage is no longer a priority in your life. Unless it is a priority for both of us, our marriage is not sustainable. So, as much as it pains me to say it, our marriage is over. We can discuss the details of separating, so that it has minimal effect on (your son) but I will meantime prepare the paperwork for the divorce." This puts the onus for the marital breakdown on him, for not taking up the offer to recover the M, not on me for standing in the way of his happiness. It also states that I'm unwilling to work alone at what should be ampaetnership. It sets down my boundaries and my response when those are transgressed. I gave a chance; you didn't take it; it's over. Not - I gave a chance; you didn't take it; I've decided you (and she) matter more than me; please be happy while I sob into my cornflakes here, alone.

 

Disclaimer: I'm a fOW now married to my fMM. I have never been one to do the pick-me dance or to underplay my value in the hope that it makes me attractive to anybody. I know my worth and if someone else doesn't get it and act accordingly, I don't waste my time. You can take or leave my advice, but I do wish you would see how your actions read to others - including your H. You've basically given him a free ticket to heaven rather than a sense that he pushed you too far.

 

He's just a man. There is no need to elevate him and his happiness so far above you and yours. I do hope that you can recover your sense of your own value, so that this doesn't replay in your next relationship. Anyone who doesn't consider you a prize is not someone to waste your time over - but right now there's too much bushel and not enough light for anyone to recognise what a prize you are.

[tinkerbell16]

Please tell me why in the world are you leaving the decision on the future of yourmarriage in the hands of another woman?

 

Furthermore why would you even consider having a child with a man who has repeatedly gone back into an affair?

 

You're basically telling him, you will put up with whatever crap he dishes out to you.

 

How can he say you're the one and yet continue to hurt you like this?

 

I suggest you get yourself some counselling to dig deep and find out why you have such little self esteem and self respect, that you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way and stay.

 

When he says that nonsense to your dad, have you tried saying "because you repeatedly continue having an affair and that's why I won't have a child with you"

 

If the events so far haven't been enough for you to end this marriage, if you have a child, he'll carry on cheating and be safe in the knowledge that you won't leave and will tolerate it.

 

If you can't leave without a child, you won't leave when you have one.

 

He wants a child with you to further secure he will have a doting faithful wife at home while he fulfills his sexual desires outside of the marriage with whomever he likes.

 

It increases OP dependence on him.

 

OP - please do not place yor value in someone else's hands. This is not a healthy love. He will only prove time and time again HE is not worthy of your love and each time he will break you down further.

 

Save yourself the damage and divorce him.

 

Alone is better than the damage he will do to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Regardless what Karen and her husbands timeline looks like or what they decide to or not to do, I'm ready for the divorce. Whenever you have time to get the paperwork together, I will sign them.

 

somuchfortheone, is there a reason you're not taking control of your own life, retaining an attorney and filing for divorce yourself?

 

Were I you, the "time to get the paperwork together" would be now!

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE write him another letter!

 

STOP this passive aggressive bollocks!

 

How do you REALLY feel? Find your bloody anger!

 

No! You don't wish them well, do you? Do you think he deserves mushy happiness at the expense of his FAMILY? You are his WIFE, if that doesn't mean that much to you think about your SON!!

 

In the future is he going to read that passive, wimpy letter? Will he think that his Mum never fought for her family or his STEP BROTHER? Your husband needs to be made aware of the crippling devastation that his pathetic, selfish nonsense he is DELIBERATELY inflicting on people he claims to love.

 

 

Ok, enough of the tough love. I know how terribly painful this is for you. I know that you've been beaten down by this. You're in shock & pain. You've tried to rationalize & analyze this situation. You just can't do that. You can't nice him out of this stupid fog. I KNOW!! I believed that if I was my usual nice, compassionate, empathic self he would remember how kind & loving I am & he would feel so guilty that he would run back into my arms.

 

It doesn't work that way! There is nothing rational about the way he's behaving. He doesn't even know this woman! He is destroying his family for a fantasy he's created in his messed-up head.

 

Have you always been a people pleaser? I am. I've spent a lot of time being really honest with myself over all this. What was your family life like growing-up? Are you so passive in all aspects of your life or has this screwed-up nightmare been running for so long that you're now frozen in a depressive void?

 

Have you shown your pain & rage to your husband at any stage of this? Have you screamed & shouted? Have you called him all the names (that he deserves!) under the sun? You MUST be feeling these things!

 

I cried & threw-up. I whimpered & sobbed. I kept so much of it inside & it made me very ill. I was diagnosed with cancer & even the experts were shocked by how hard & fast it progressed. I still believe that the unbearable stress was a contributing factor. Everything I was going through was literally killing me. You must of read about the effects of stress on the body, it's well documented. This is some of the worst stress one can endure...

 

....and he can't make-up his mind!! You're the love of his life but he just can't resist 'test driving' Mrs Loose Knickers!!! REALLY? Bloody hell! I seem more disgusted & offended by this than you are! He's your husband. He's the father of your child. YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR STEP CHILD! Think about that! She will be coparenting your child. She will play Mummy to your baby. Please get angry!!

[somuchfortheone]

Im sorry you're going through this but even if it doesn't work out with this girl, he's going to do it again bc he has absolutely no respect for you & honestly you're showing you have no respect for yourself. Yes, we as humans should show others respect but if one doesn't even have it for themselves, how can one expect anyone else to have it for them?

 

Show yourself some respect in this situation, you want to be married bc you & your husband love each other & want to be married...why would you want to be married to a man that only keeps you as jos wife bc he can walk all over you? You're better than that, any human is better than that.

 

My advice is for you to go to IC & figure out why you're allowing this for yourself...& don't use love as an excuse. One can love someone & choose not be treated like this & loving someone doesn't mean you belong with them. Good luck to you

 

 

I guess it's just tough because I always thought he was "the one".