Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

Tell him to get out. Stop doing the pick me dance. Stop waiting for him to choose. Choose yourself, tell him to leave. if he doesn't leave, you should. Yes, there is a chance he might wake up, but unless he does his work, deals with what is lacking in him, this story will repeat.

 

 

You're right - I'm not doing the pick me dance anymore. That's done.

[somuchfortheone]

I know! I know! I know!

 

For many people here the story is different (similar but so very different mentally). D-day happens & things get resolved, one way or another. There's something to work with, one way or another.

 

When a passive-aggressive, unbelievable cruel, selfishing d**k with zero empathy pulls this kind of crap AND it goes on & on & on & on you do not recognize how broken & pathetically INSANE it makes YOU! (Please believe me. I mean that in the kindest way. I've been PATHETICALLY INSANE too!)

 

It's only when you write it out, like you have here, that you start to see how ridiculous & self destructive your 'logic' has become.

 

Read some of my posts & you'll get an idea of where I'm coming from. If I could turn back time (& not been in shock, shattered, desperate & lost) I would of done things completely differently.

 

Do you want to 'save' your marriage?

 

* Tell him what a cruel MONSTER he is being & hit him with divorce papers!!

 

* Tell him how you loved the man you thought he was & you could love the man you think he could be BUT you have more self-respect (I know you clearly don't but lie!) than to put-up with this abusive s**t for one more day!

 

* Tell him that if he contacts her again (other than a dumping letter) he will NEVER see you again AND MEAN IT!!

 

 

PLEASE believe me, if you continue with this 'plan' you will either loose him (good!) or you will grow to loathe him & YOURSELF!!

 

I've made ALL of the excuses. 'He's having a mental break', 'Its a midlife crisis', 'This isn't him. Give him space & he will realize how he doesn't want her' etc etc. The truth is he will carry-on with this ridiculous game, totally oblivious to the emotional carnage he is inflicting, until YOU stop it!!

 

He's living a romance novel. Message by sappy romantic message he has created a story. He hasn't even spent a day in real life with this woman. Look at it this way....you love him? Right? Why would you deprive a man you truly love of his 'soul mate' 'The love of his life'???? Let them have each-other!!! He's either going to go or he's not. My guess is "not" IF YOU THROW HIM OUT!!

 

You are being weak & pathetic (been there, done that) as time goes on he will treat you worse & worse because every day that passes his romance story WITH HER is building. You & her husband are the enemy. Have you had the 'opportunity' to read the things he's written about YOU?

 

At the moment you are giving him all of the power. Think about how that makes you look to him!! He has no empathy or compassion for you. I've lived it!! Please, PLEASE, you are doing everything wrong! The day my H stopped his fantasy story was the day I told him that he should go marry her, build a family with her, love her because HE HAD LOST ME!!

 

His reaction was immediate! He cried "Why do I only realize what I'm doing when it's gone too far?". He threatened suicide! (Passive aggressive manipulation). He stopped all contact with her!!

 

We built a great life in the USA for 18 years. We lived in our dream house. He had a very lucrative career. We had friends, a life! All of that has gone now. He has given-up everything, moved back home to England to live with MY PARENTS. He's looking for a job. He says that he loves me all the time. He wants to grow old with ME. I'm his life.

 

Do you want to know the truth? I can't get over it. I just can't. It's NOT the affair!! It's the way he treated me for 9 MONTHS! It can't be the love that it was before. It's lost its innocence. I KNOW that he can do THAT to me! (NOT the affair!) he can inflict that agony on me & carry on torturing & breaking me, day after day, week after week, month after month!! He is capable of treating me with utter contempt while I shatter & fall. That love is ugly & agonizing. That love is selfish & cruel.

 

HE CAN look me in my tear stained eyes & say those things! I look at HIM with contempt now. He 'just can't help himself!', how can I respect a man who can say & do those things? How can I ever be open & vulnerable after being put in competition for our MARRIAGE!! I don't want to WIN my husband...that's stupid!! We are supposed to be PARTNERS.

 

The world is full of attractive women & men. The day we take our vows we choose which one we want to share our lives with. We can no longer 'try other women on for size!!'. Is this REALLY the life you imagined when you said "I do"? Great love story!!!

 

P.S.

PLEASE don't think that having children with him is going to make the slightest bit of difference. It's just going to put more pressure on his childish self & make him even MORE likely to 'fall in love' with another woman who comes across his computer screen!!

 

 

WOW - I can't believe that. I think he's too far gone, personally. I don't think he'll wake up until after the divorce and probably two more years of being with her ...and that point, I'll probably be long gone. It sucks but I guess that's life. Do you think your man has truly changed...do you think you'll ever reconsider being with him? Or have you told him it's done for good...also, does your family think you should give it another shot?

 

thank you for sharing your story!

[somuchfortheone]

Actually...the more I truly thought about it, the less crazy it started to sound .

 

BUT. Let's say that he does get to be with her for whatever period of time, and then things go bust for them, and then he comes crawling back to you.

At that point, how would you have to be feeling about yourself, to make it okay within your own heart and mind to take him back?

And then, let's say that you do manage to find it within yourself to take him back whenever he decides or gets kicked out and desperate enough to come crawling back - how is all of it going to play on your heart and mind and psyche over the long-term?

 

The ramifications on your own sense of self and worth and dignity could be astronomical. I would deeply consider if it is worth the price.

 

Sending hugs, and Love and Light.

Ronni

 

 

You're right- and I've thought about that..I don't know if that trust would ever come back. Even if he gave me all of his passwords, etc...he can still create fake email addresses that I'll never know about. He really created a pickle for himself, if he wants me back down the road.

[somuchfortheone]

Does the husband of the OW know she's having an emotional affair with your husband?

 

Doesn't sound to me like she plans on leaving her husband. Your H wrote her a heartfelt letter that she never replied to - until he asked her about it six weeks later? This doesn't sound like a woman who has invested nearly as much as your H has.

 

The quickest way to end an affair is to tell the spouse of the OW. I would tell him and then tell your H to get out. You're an option to him and you deserve better. If he truly is remorseful then he will show you by his actions, not his words. He's shown you that his words are meaningless. Minimally please get counseling and if you ever decide to take him back, insist on marriage counseling.

 

 

I contacted the husband the first time I busted them...he didn't want to see the emails, didn't even think I had the right person until I told him who she was and where they worked...he took a week off of work starting that day, and she did the same, and the drove halfway across the country (to where their family lives) to work through things...he messaged me and thanked me for letting him know and told me they would work through things, and was sure I could work through things with my husband too. I haven't reached out to him the other times I found out because, I really don't see the point. I think he's blinded by her lies and doesn't really want a divorce anyway..I just got the feeling he would stay with her regardless. I also just don't want to get involved in the situation anymore...I've been through enough...I am just checking out at this point. I'll let the three of them figure it out.

 

 

I'm not sure if she really plans to leave her husband or not.. I do think there are holes in her stories...but regardless, he wants to leave me for her, so what she chooses to do really doesn't matter.

[somuchfortheone]

Please tell me why in the world are you leaving the decision on the future of yourmarriage in the hands of another woman?

 

Furthermore why would you even consider having a child with a man who has repeatedly gone back into an affair?

 

You're basically telling him, you will put up with whatever crap he dishes out to you.

 

How can he say you're the one and yet continue to hurt you like this?

 

I suggest you get yourself some counselling to dig deep and find out why you have such little self esteem and self respect, that you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way and stay.

 

When he says that nonsense to your dad, have you tried saying "because you repeatedly continue having an affair and that's why I won't have a child with you"

 

If the events so far haven't been enough for you to end this marriage, if you have a child, he'll carry on cheating and be safe in the knowledge that you won't leave and will tolerate it.

 

If you can't leave without a child, you won't leave when you have one.

 

 

For the record, I have no desire to have a child of my own - with him or anyone else...which makes his constant request for a baby (even to this day) even more bizarre! I do not want one and he is fully aware of that.

[somuchfortheone]

somuchfortheone, living under the same roof and staying "physical" isn't separation, it's continuing marriage to a cheater. You two are perfectly matched - he seems content to cheat, you seem content to enable him to do so.

 

I'll just say this isn't what respect, consideration and love looks like. Why you'd buy into his valuation of you as deserving none of the above absolutely baffles me. You seem like a good person worthy of a partner who has her best interests in mind. Hope some day, you come to agree...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You're right - I wasn't ready to let it go...I've stopped the physical stuff this time (with the exception of cuddling, just being honest)...no kissing, or anything further...even though he tries daily. I know I need to stop cuddling...I'm getting stronger...that's just the last thing to give up I suppose, so it's a little tough.

[somuchfortheone]

I want to know why you feel that you don't deserve any better than this. Also I wonder why you are leaving the decision up to him and her? Even if he comes back, your marriage will only be a consolation prize, since if they stick you are out of the picture. You deserve much more than this and I wish you would value yourself, even if he won't. I think that it is time that you start thinking about you.

 

 

It's strange - I do feel that I deserve better than this - I know my actions don't show it. I just really felt like we were meant to be....do you think there's truly no hope of him changing his ways? Once a cheater, always?

[somuchfortheone]

I am not sure that this is real, but if it is what you are saying is that you are giving your husband "a years's time" to "actually try being together" with his affair partner in a romantic relationship to see if they can work it out. That you want to see if this will "get her out of his system" so that he can then decide if he wants to get back with you. You are a cheating cake eaters dream spouse. He gets to cheat with no risk, since you are a willing backup plan. He gets to even do this out in the open guilt free with no lying needed. Given this option, even spouses that have never cheated may think about getting some strange for a year.

 

He is awake and loving the cake. You are the one that is not awake, and letting him eat your cake so that he still has his.

 

 

Try - your message made me laugh out loud several times. Thank you for this, I needed to hear these words. You are right - I wasn't awake - you and the other posters on here are definitely helping me out of my own fog.

Thank you.

[somuchfortheone]

I'm confused. Does he want to work on your marriage or not?

 

What does anything in the AP life have to do with anything?

 

If you want to work on your marriage he must go NC for life with AP, and you should have complete transparency with all communication, emails, phones etc.

 

It sounds like a lot of your plans are contingent on what happens with AP divorce. Who the heck cares if she's broke, moves out, has a divorce.

 

What is the status of YOUR marriage?

 

 

He doesn't want to work on the marriage. At this point, he wants to pursue a relationship with her. I honestly, think he knows deep down it won't work and he'll regret it, so he's trying to hold on and keep me holding on too. The true status of my marriage is that it's over.

[somuchfortheone]

It take both parties, giving 100% effort to repair a marriage that has been impacted by adultery. It is a lot of hard work. Also, going back and re-reading, I don't believe this affair is only emotional. Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer so you have a real idea of what you are facing financially.

 

 

I agree - I gave 100% and he didn't try.

Regardless of whether it was physical, emotional, or both - cheating is cheating and I don't really think I'd feel any differently, either way.

[somuchfortheone]

Stories like this boggle my mind. My wife would not put up with this out of me or anyone else for a millisecond. I couldn't even fathom me holding respect for her if she did.

 

"Honey have you made up your mind yet, are you going to pick me or your girlfriend?"

 

Naa, I need some more time. Hang in there though I just may pick my family someday.

 

 

This post made me laugh out loud as well...because it's true...it's ridiculous when you hear it put that way. I'm waking up...don't worry! Probably not as quickly as I should but I've made huge strides this week. Thank you for helping me see the light.

[somuchfortheone]

Are YOU willing to take charge of your life/your future?

 

You've handed all YOUR power to him- to his other woman - and to her husband as well.

 

Life choices should not be left in the hands of someone who has consistently betrayed you.

 

You deserve better...now go get on it!

 

 

I'm not going to any longer - I am moving on now...

thank you for your kind words!

[somuchfortheone]

Youre narrative tells us everything and nothing. Nowhere is it clear to me how you feel. You've given details of the ridiculous back-and-forth indecisiveness that everyone has indulged everyone else in – and for what? True love? The One? Destiny? Commitment? Marriage?

 

I don't get it. I see no ideals, no concepts, no gains for any of this absurdity to justify destroying the three lives this woman just shattered. As far as your family is concerned, I don't know if you're trying to be objective in your reporting or you just shut off your feelings and your observation of others' feelings and the situation because I only know what they've said and done; I don't have any idea how they feel. I mean I can guess but you haven't said. It's not clear what the fathers, grandfathers, children, husband and you are actually going through.

 

Nevermind what everyone else has said about the absurdity of all the sacrifice for your questionable catch of a husband.

 

Could you think for a minute about what you really want and how you really feel? And then please tell us ...

 

W H Y ?

 

I guess if I would have written this a year and a half ago it would've looked very different. I'm emotionally half checked out, since this has gone on for so long. I'm practically lifeless now. I wanted him, at any point in time over the last year and a half to stop it and work on our marriage...to actually put in a fraction of the effort that I did and he just "couldn't" let go of the girl. Now, after waking up this week, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I still wish (even though it won't happen), he'd have some cold water to the face wake-up-call and do everything he can to save our marriage...but it won't happen, and I know that. He's got to learn the hard way....and I have to move on.

[somuchfortheone]

I was in a similar situation for a year and a half.

 

He is never going to pick you because right now he has no reason to. You are the doormat. You're not putting your foot down (a year from now? **** that, NOW).

 

Firstly I don't believe anything they are saying. There is only one reason the husband is being "controling" and that's because she most likely is tying to work it out with her husband. I mean come on....her and her husband agreed to divorce but live together and he's trying to stop her from talking to your husband ?? That doesn't make sense and you know it. You can't tell me she can't move in with a friend or family member if her marriage is that bad. MY HUSBAND SLEPT IN HIS TRUCK WHEN HE LEFT ME . Where there's a will there is a way.

 

They are dragging this out to keep eating their cake. What you allow, is what will continue. Let me say that again:

 

WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE.

 

The fastest way to get her out of his system is to kick him out and stop all contact with him unless she is out of his life. And honestly. He's already lied to you about that so I wouldn't even trust it.

 

He has to want you. Right now he doesn't know what he wants. And that means it's not you. At least now

 

Stand up for yourself. It is ok to love him and want to work on things but it is not okay for him to have a wife and a girlfriend.

 

i just watched this today and it pertains to you:

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=rH5gwWg6Emk

 

This ones not bad either

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=KH8TsYE3Q-o

 

 

You are right- and I know she's full of crap (on some level)...he is buying her crap. I'm not. I don't know if she will or won't leave, but that's really irrelevant.. he wants to leave me...and that's really what matters. I was too focused on what she'd do, and how that would affect my marriage.

 

Did your husband ever wake up? Sleeping in the vehicle...wow...that's rock bottom for sure.

[somuchfortheone]

Here is the link to my story: []

 

My husband is leaving me for another woman...says he loves both of us, feels that I am the one and we'll get back together in 2+ years, wants to live our future plans we shared together, but cannot let her go and has to experience being with her. Says he knows she's a downgrade...less attractive, doesn't have it together like I do, not honest, loyal, etc..neither seem really in a hurry to get this thing going or really spend any time together...but both claim to want to end their marriages for each other. He's drinking daily to cope. Seems like if he was making the right decision, he wouldn't have to be drunk to deal with his decision?

 

My questions are:

 

1) if you were "struggling" to decide between the wife and OW, how did you decide, and why?

2) Would there have been anything the wife could've done to save the marriage?

3) do you/did you ever regret your decision and try to reconcile? why that successful? why? why not?

4) if so, how long were you with the OW before you wanted your marriage again?

5) why do you think you left instead of working on fixing the marriage, especially if things weren't terrible?

6) do you believe you were in a "fog" or midlife crisis, or do you still believe the OW was true love and it just fizzled?

7) do you believe once a cheater always a cheater or do you honestly believe that you could go back to your wife and be faithful for the remainder of your life together?

8) if you reconciled, did you stop talking to your OW completely - or do you still contact her but pretend you don't?

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
threads merged, link redacted ~6

[BTDT2012]

I guess if I would have written this a year and a half ago it would've looked very different. I'm emotionally half checked out, since this has gone on for so long. I'm practically lifeless now. I wanted him, at any point in time over the last year and a half to stop it and work on our marriage...to actually put in a fraction of the effort that I did and he just "couldn't" let go of the girl. Now, after waking up this week, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I still wish (even though it won't happen), he'd have some cold water to the face wake-up-call and do everything he can to save our marriage...but it won't happen, and I know that. He's got to learn the hard way....and I have to move on.

 

He has no chance of waking up as long as you accommodate unacceptable behavior. It hurts like hell, but you have to take decisive action. It took my WH 21 months cut off all contact with his AP, but there was no point during that time that he was openly in contact and living with me.

Edited January 27, 2017 by BTDT2012

[goodyblue]

Hi. I was OW. I am married now to my FMM.

 

The thing I feel, and I could way of base, but it seems like he is trying to let you off easy and isn't planning on coming back to you.

 

Do you feel that after leaving her m for your h she will be okay to just let him end it and return to you?

 

Do you feel he really would plan on being with her for a couple of years and then dump her?

 

The biggest question I have is why he thinks you are such a doormat that you would just sit around on your keister and wait?

 

He must really have a golden c*®k to have two women willing to put up with this garbage.

 

Dump him, he is a creep and you deserve better.

Edited January 27, 2017 by goodyblue

[somuchfortheone]

Hi. I was OW. I am married now to my FMM.

 

The thing I feel, and I could way of base, but it seems like he is trying to let you off easy and isn't planning on coming back to you.

 

Do you feel that after leaving her m for your h she will be okay to just let him end it and return to you?

 

Do you feel he really would plan on being with her for a couple of years and then dump her?

 

The biggest question I have is why he thinks you are such a doormat that you would just sit around on your keister and wait?

 

He must really have a golden c*®k to have two women willing to put up with this garbage.

 

Dump him, he is a creep and you deserve better.

 

Definitely isn't leading me on...he mentions these things in front of my family. And, I can just tell that he is truly confused. The 2 year thing, my gut tells me he knows it won't work but can't walk away for some reason.

As to whether the OW will be ok if he ends it with her...do you really think he'll care if she is? He doesn't care if I'm upset that our marriage ending..why would he care if she's upset their relationship is? He knows I won't wait - I've told him that. He's playing with fire...and those that do, typically get burnt.

 

Question - if you are happily married to your FMM, why do you stay on these forums? Just curious..

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter.

[ShatteredLady]

If he leaves & comes back in 2 years he is NOT coming back for you!

 

Think about it please!

 

After 2 years they will be firmly a couple. If he finds living with her bloody awful he may come back, he may not.

 

Please, PLEASE STOP leaving the door open for him. Throw him out & tell him that if he sets-up a life with her there is no coming back.

 

Why on earth would you allow your HUSBAND to treat you this way? He is loosing more & more respect for you every single day.

 

Have you told him that the moment he goes you consider yourself a SINGLE woman & you intend to start dating? If the man you fall in love with & make love to doesn't satisfy you, you 'might' consider reconciling at a later date but doubt it?

[oldshirt]

Occasionally there are instances where a MM truly wants to be with the OW instead of the BW.

 

But the other 90+% of the time affairs are simple cake eating. They just want to bang both. It's just selfishness.

 

So you are most likely overthinking this and burning brain cells trying to answer questions for which there is no deeper answer other than - he is selfish, of low character and wants to bang two women and doesn't really want to just be stuck with one.

 

The simplest answer is usually the most correct one.

 

As everyone was trying to tell you in your other post, you need to do what is best for YOU.

 

Do you want to be the back up plan for a selfish jerk of low character who wants to bang multiple chicks and then come back to play house when he's done with this other chick and then count down the days untill some other chick catches his eye and he wants to bang the next one too.

 

This is not a case of you or her or about which one he wants to choose.

 

This is about a selfish cad of low character being a selfish jerk.

 

The only question to be asking yourself is if you want to settle for that or not.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry, we were posting at the same time.

 

Slapping him with divorce papers & telling him to leave because you can't stand looking at him has a way of clearing any confusion!

 

He is doing this because he can!

 

He is doing this because you let him!

[sandylee1]

When he leaves, tell him never to contact you again, unless regarding the divorce and split of assets. Once the divorce is done. He has no reason to contact you at all.

 

I wonder what gives him the guts to say this in front of your family? If my husband even attempted such a thing, if I didn't have the courage to tell him to f**k off, my family would certainly tell him where to sling his hook. No way would they even want him to be any part of the family.

 

Why do your family entertain his nonsense?

 

The only families I know who would tolerate this (would be in my patriarchal home country) , where the man is very wealthy and their daughter is able to provide financial support to them with her husbands money.

[ShatteredLady]

When he leaves, tell him never to contact you again, unless regarding the divorce and split of assets. Once the divorce is done. He has no reason to contact you at all.

 

I wonder what gives him the guts to say this in front of your family? If my husband even attempted such a thing, if I didn't have the courage to tell him to f**k off, my family would certainly tell him where to sling his hook. No way would they even want him to be any part of the family.

 

Why do your family entertain his nonsense?

 

The only families I know who would tolerate this (would be in my patriarchal home country) , where the man is very wealthy and their daughter is able to provide financial support to them with her husbands money.

 

 

I doubt anyone knows! I bet she's protecting him & his poor little midlife crisis esteem.

[somuchfortheone]

When he leaves, tell him never to contact you again, unless regarding the divorce and split of assets. Once the divorce is done. He has no reason to contact you at all.

 

I wonder what gives him the guts to say this in front of your family? If my husband even attempted such a thing, if I didn't have the courage to tell him to f**k off, my family would certainly tell him where to sling his hook. No way would they even want him to be any part of the family.

 

Why do your family entertain his nonsense?

 

The only families I know who would tolerate this (would be in my patriarchal home country) , where the man is very wealthy and their daughter is able to provide financial support to them with her husbands money.

 

Well, he is certainly not wealthy. In fact, he'll be financially hurt more by the marriage ending than I will be. I guess, we're really forgiving and believe anyone can change, if they are truly remorseful. That sad, he's obviously not there yet. He may never be. I don't believe that people don't change 100% of the time. Sure there many be many that do...and sure, maybe a lot less that actually do genuinely change... I guess that's why I still care. Knowing the kind of wife I was and still am, the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess...I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future. I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

[somuchfortheone]

He has no chance of waking up as long as you accommodate unacceptable behavior. It hurts like hell, but you have to take decisive action. It took my WH 21 months cut off all contact with his AP, but there was no point during that time that he was openly in contact and living with me.

 

Did you reconcile? And if so, was it successful? And during those 21 months...you had zero contact??