Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[EZNona]

Well, he is certainly not wealthy. In fact, he'll be financially hurt more by the marriage ending than I will be. I guess, we're really forgiving and believe anyone can change, if they are truly remorseful. That sad, he's obviously not there yet. He may never be. I don't believe that people don't change 100% of the time. Sure there many be many that do...and sure, maybe a lot less that actually do genuinely change... I guess that's why I still care. Knowing the kind of wife I was and still am, the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess...I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future. I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

 

Well, a man certainly won't have a wake-up call while his wife is behaving like a doormat (I learned this the hard way).

 

If you want a man to respect you, then you must behave like a woman with plenty of self-respect which you are not doing right now.

 

I mean what he is doing right now is downright insulting. You're supposed to wait around while he goes and have a relationship with another woman and MAYBE come back to you after a year or two???

 

I mean what in the world stopped you from laughing in his face after this was suggested???

 

it is so easy for a woman to find another man, but we insist on sticking around for a douchebag.

 

Hand him the divorce papers and tell him he must be crazy to think you would ever stoop so low to be with a man who treats you like this. That you CAN and WILL do MUCH better than him. I bet that'll fix his face real quick.

Edited January 27, 2017 by EZNona

[ShatteredLady]

If you believe that a "wake-up call" can bring someone to their senses why are you frightened of giving your cheating husband one?

[ShatteredLady]

Saying 'Go darling. You have my blessing. Set-up home with her. Share your life with her. Make made passionate love with her. Be happy. If it doesn't work out I'll be patiently waiting here for you my love.' Is NOT a wake-up call!

 

'I'll watch the kids while you write her a romantic sonnet...would you like me to help you babe?' Is NOT a wake-up call!

 

For goodness sake!!

[BTDT2012]

Did you reconcile? And if so, was it successful? And during those 21 months...you had zero contact??

We are still working on reconciliation. For the majority of that time, I did not know that they were still in contact. We were separated for 3 months, he moved back in and I discovered he was still in contact. I insisted that one of us had to leave, he moved in with a friend and got himself into counseling. I don't recommend my path. If I had it to do again, I would tell him to GTFO upon discovery. And divorce is still an option for me. I would add that the entire time he met his household financial obligations.

[aileD]

You are right- and I know she's full of crap (on some level)...he is buying her crap. I'm not. I don't know if she will or won't leave, but that's really irrelevant.. he wants to leave me...and that's really what matters. I was too focused on what she'd do, and how that would affect my marriage.

 

Did your husband ever wake up? Sleeping in the vehicle...wow...that's rock bottom for sure.

 

He was sleeping in his vehicle with his OW, trying to "decide" what he was going to do. (Insert rolly eyes here). And I was allowing it. Begging for him to come back, standing by my man. Finally after two months I was just like "this is dumb, just divorce me already we dont have a marriage when you're living with your mistress".

 

well he figured it out then pretty quick. We are reconciling but it's only been since end of August so who know if it will work out in the long run. Reconciliation is a nightmare in itself. You have really high highs and really low lows and it's a constant struggle

 

 

Today's a low day and I'm pissy so that may have clouded my answer about reconciliation

 

 

I would add that the entire time he met his household financial obligations.

. Ditto. My husband never took one cent away from our family or household Edited January 27, 2017 by aileD

[sandylee1]

Well, he is certainly not wealthy. In fact, he'll be financially hurt more by the marriage ending than I will be. I guess, we're really forgiving and believe anyone can change,

 

I think your family and upbringing have a lot to do with you tolerating this. This isn't about being forgiving. It's about not letting the person who vowed fidelity, who vowed to love and cherish you, not treat you like c**p.

 

the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough though. It's not enough to tolerate this... Until the next time when he finds someone else and goes off for another 2 years.

At what point do you say enough is enough?

 

I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future

 

So you're okay with your husband leaving you for another woman and returning to you if/when that doesn't work out.? You're okay with being Plan B? Or the fallback girl.... Because that's what you're saying, without actually saying those words.

 

I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

 

What wake up call do you mean exactly? The wake up call that he didn't really love the OW? Or the wake up call that he loved you more, but didn't realise at the time.

 

You married him, you've helped raise his son and this is how he repays you?

 

He doesn't care if I'm upset that our marriage ending

 

^^^^^^^^^^^ Read this again and ask yourself why you want to be with a man who couldn't care less about you.

 

He has no respect for you or your marriage. It gets to the point that you stop questioning his behaviour and question yours.

[BTDT2012]

I should also add that we worked with a Christian counselor, and the AP was begging him to come back.

[aileD]

Well, he is certainly not wealthy. In fact, he'll be financially hurt more by the marriage ending than I will be. I guess, we're really forgiving and believe anyone can change, if they are truly remorseful. That sad, he's obviously not there yet. He may never be. I don't believe that people don't change 100% of the time. Sure there many be many that do...and sure, maybe a lot less that actually do genuinely change... I guess that's why I still care. Knowing the kind of wife I was and still am, the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess...I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future. I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

 

 

You can feel this way, and you are very similar to me in that sense. I saw the bigger picture.

 

It's ok to feel that way but HE CANT KNOW IT

[NTV]

I went through similar reaction when after I found my ww cheating. Bargaining is one of the stages after all.

[S2B]

Well, he is certainly not wealthy. In fact, he'll be financially hurt more by the marriage ending than I will be. I guess, we're really forgiving and believe anyone can change, if they are truly remorseful. That sad, he's obviously not there yet. He may never be. I don't believe that people don't change 100% of the time. Sure there many be many that do...and sure, maybe a lot less that actually do genuinely change... I guess that's why I still care. Knowing the kind of wife I was and still am, the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess...I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future. I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

 

People only change when they need to - or are forced to - by consequences they wish to avoid.

 

Not many people in their 40's or 50's change - the reason for change has to carry some weight that stimulates the change.

 

Without severe consequences on the table most aren't likely to change.

[goodyblue]

Hi again. I will be happy to answer your question.

 

First, I am very happy in my relationship. My h had a lonely marriage and when we began our affair (which was stupid, he should have left first), we knew very quickly that we were going to be togethe. Hee stayed long enough to get his finances in order as he had a lot to lose and wanted a fair division for both of .themr. His ex held out hope that he would come back for half a year after he left before realizing he was never coming back. We have been together since and life is good for us. His ex, she still pines and is z bitter, still tries to insert herself at times and she has become a joke to us. Sad but true.

 

During the time of our short affair I came to this forum for advice and support. Sometimes i got it, mostly I was brutally attacked for being OW. So, I stick around because I feel I can offer advice and support (not telling people to have an affair but helping those who are in one already), or by being honest in what happened to me and insight into how an OW feels to anyone stuck in a crappy situation like the one you find yourself in.

 

We have all, in some way, been part of your current puzzle. You need to listen to what people here are saying. We have lived it.

 

Some woman is taking all the good parts of your marriage and leaving you the garbage. Your h is cheering her on and you are standing idly by. You must stand up for yourself!! Your h does not have your best interests at heart. We (yes, even me, someone who once took what wasn't mine) are trying to help you here.

 

I asked my h what he thought and he said 'It is over, he is just keeping his options open'

 

My r works because we WORK at it or the relationship dies on the vine. You are wasting precious days of a very short life being an option.

[Mr. Lucky]

That sad, he's obviously not there yet. He may never be. I don't believe that people don't change 100% of the time. Sure there many be many that do...and sure, maybe a lot less that actually do genuinely change... I guess that's why I still care. Knowing the kind of wife I was and still am, the love we had and still do have regardless of all of this mess...I have a hard time believing there is zero chance of it working in the future. I understand where you're coming from...I do....but, call me crazy, I think people can have wake up calls and truly change.

 

He may indeed be the one-in-a-million that comes to his senses, you might be the marital lottery winner.

 

But what applies to the other 999,999 cases is this - when someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them. Your H's actions define the kind of man - and husband - he is, and he's drawn a pretty clear picture.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somuchfortheone]

Well, I stopped making him meals and doing his laundry...It was really hard for me... I almost did it this morning and then talked sense into myself. I guess it doesn't make sense for me to keep doing things I feel like I should do as a wife when he doesn't want to be a husband. Sad day but I'm taking the necessary steps to move forward. Just wanted to provide a slight update.

[MadJackBird]

Here is the link to my story: []

 

My husband is leaving me for another woman...says he loves both of us, feels that I am the one and we'll get back together in 2+ years, wants to live our future plans we shared together, but cannot let her go and has to experience being with her. Says he knows she's a downgrade...less attractive, doesn't have it together like I do, not honest, loyal, etc..neither seem really in a hurry to get this thing going or really spend any time together...but both claim to want to end their marriages for each other. He's drinking daily to cope. Seems like if he was making the right decision, he wouldn't have to be drunk to deal with his decision?

 

My questions are:

 

1) if you were "struggling" to decide between the wife and OW, how did you decide, and why?

2) Would there have been anything the wife could've done to save the marriage?

3) do you/did you ever regret your decision and try to reconcile? why that successful? why? why not?

4) if so, how long were you with the OW before you wanted your marriage again?

5) why do you think you left instead of working on fixing the marriage, especially if things weren't terrible?

6) do you believe you were in a "fog" or midlife crisis, or do you still believe the OW was true love and it just fizzled?

7) do you believe once a cheater always a cheater or do you honestly believe that you could go back to your wife and be faithful for the remainder of your life together?

8) if you reconciled, did you stop talking to your OW completely - or do you still contact her but pretend you don't?

 

 

1) Dumb Question - Either he is 100% committed to your marriage or he is not. This proves he is not committed to your marriage. You should divorce him.

 

2) Dumb Question - He is the one that stepped out of the marriage. You have not. What is he going to do to regain your trust and be committed to the marriage. You should divorce him

 

3) Reconciliation is a lot of work and he has to be 100% behind it and never contact OW ever again. He doesn't want to do that so you should divorce him.

 

4) Dumb Question - He is leaving the marriage and is not 100% committed to your marriage. He's not coming back and if he did why would you want to be back up plan. You should divorce him.

 

5) Because he is selfish and wants to cake eat. You should divorce him.

 

6) Who cares, he choose to leave the marriage, you should divorce him

 

7) Usually people that have the ability to cheat have a huge character flaw and need to get to the root of the problem though IC. If he is drinking daily, he may have addictions. They will likely go back to old habits unless there is a lot of accountability. Either way he is not choosing to fix his problems and he is not choosing to work on his marriage. You should divorce him.

 

8) Confusing question. If you are talking about him talking to OW, He can never talk to the OW ever again and you should have complete access to all emails, phones, texts etc to keep him accountable. It's the least he could do to regain your trust. If you are talking about you talking to OW why would you want to. This is the person that cheating with your husband. Be thankful if you can get that person out of your life forever. Some BS have to co-parent with those POS OM/OW if they end up married. Is he willing to stop talking to OW for life and focus on your marriage? If not you should divorce him.

 

See a theme?

[somuchfortheone]

Day one of making his own meals and couldn't handle it...he almost grabbed fast food because he didn't "have time" to make it...he had plenty of time, chose to take a nap instead.

He's getting angry now that I'm pulling back... he asked me if I would help get his son from the bus stop after they move out/the divorce and I said no. He said that I would hurt him. I said, "no, you're hurting him. You're choosing this, not me." He said "But, you're his mom." I said, "I did more as a stepmom than you did as a dad for the last 8 years. I more than stepped up as a parent, now it's your turn. You should've thought about these things before asking me for a divorce."

 

Then he proceeded to get drunk again...write messages to my dad on facebook that made zero sense (probably did to him in his drunken state), hung out with my brothers until 3:00 in the morning...and then slept with his son. Kind of sad because his son will realize now that something is up...wanted to keep him out of it for a few months since it was so hard on him the last time we separated but...his Dad makes terrible decisions, so I guess I just have to roll with the punches. Praying that this ends quickly.

Starting to look at him with complete disgust.

[MadJackBird]

Why don't you kick him out of the house until he agrees to never talk to OW again, and give you complete access to his phone and email to ensure that it happens.

 

Why are you still taking care of this person. What are you getting from this relationship?

[somuchfortheone]

I'm not kicking him out because we have debt to pay down before he leaves, he doesn't have anywhere to go (and no savings when he does) and I don't want to put his son in a bad situation... and I'm no longer taking care of him. I've stopped all of that.

 

It's sad because his son asked "are you going to not make his lunches anymore?" I said "why, did he ask you to do it?" he said "no, I just know if you don't do it, he'll run late making it, and then we'll miss the bus and he'll have to take me to school and then he'll be late for work and get in trouble". First of all, none of that came out of my mouth - that's his own observations...sad that he even knows his dad can't handle responsibility.

[MadJackBird]

I'm not kicking him out because we have debt to pay down before he leaves, he doesn't have anywhere to go (and no savings when he does) and I don't want to put his son in a bad situation... and I'm no longer taking care of him. I've stopped all of that.

 

It's sad because his son asked "are you going to not make his lunches anymore?" I said "why, did he ask you to do it?" he said "no, I just know if you don't do it, he'll run late making it, and then we'll miss the bus and he'll have to take me to school and then he'll be late for work and get in trouble". First of all, none of that came out of my mouth - that's his own observations...sad that he even knows his dad can't handle responsibility.

 

How old is the child? (And I mean your husband's child, not your husband, who is acting like a child.) When my kids were 6 and 7 years old after my divorce, they were starting to take care of getting ready for school on there own. I imagine the child (Both of them) can start taking care of themselves a little bit. The younger child with some slight guidance from an adult, the adult child from himself.

 

So you say you are not taking care of him, but yet you are still taking care of him. And you are making excuses and enabling his bad behavior.

 

This man, based on your own admission does not want to be married to you... so all of that stuff is not your problem

 

Have you contacted a lawyer yet? Contact one immediately and tell your husband that you have contacted one and are starting the process of divorcing him. Tell him he has x number of days (I would make this really really short) to get his affairs in order and leave your house.

 

Sometimes the simple act of showing some backbone in these situations is enough of a wake up call to make WS behavior to change. Right now he has no reason to make any changes at all.

 

 

 

If he wants to seriously work on the marriage then he can stay living in your house, but you need to have boundaries around that situation, starting with him going no contact with the AP. Which isn't going to happen because he doesn't care about you or the marriage.

[BettyDraper]

You teach people how to treat you. At this time, you're showing your husband that you're willing to put up with whatever he dishes out. If you have debt to pay off, why not add that as a stipulation in the divorce agreement? The real reason your husband is still staying with you is you're not ready to let him go regardless of his unacceptable actions. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

[somuchfortheone]

How old is the child? (And I mean your husband's child, not your husband, who is acting like a child.) When my kids were 6 and 7 years old after my divorce, they were starting to take care of getting ready for school on there own. I imagine the child (Both of them) can start taking care of themselves a little bit. The younger child with some slight guidance from an adult, the adult child from himself.

 

So you say you are not taking care of him, but yet you are still taking care of him. And you are making excuses and enabling his bad behavior.

 

This man, based on your own admission does not want to be married to you... so all of that stuff is not your problem

 

Have you contacted a lawyer yet? Contact one immediately and tell your husband that you have contacted one and are starting the process of divorcing him. Tell him he has x number of days (I would make this really really short) to get his affairs in order and leave your house.

 

Sometimes the simple act of showing some backbone in these situations is enough of a wake up call to make WS behavior to change. Right now he has no reason to make any changes at all.

 

 

 

If he wants to seriously work on the marriage then he can stay living in your house, but you need to have boundaries around that situation, starting with him going no contact with the AP. Which isn't going to happen because he doesn't care about you or the marriage.

 

 

His son is 11. I have no contacted a lawyer because I am Christian and cannot prove that anything physical has taken place. Once I can, I will absolutely file for divorce.

 

I don't believe he wants to work on the marriage - he is in fantasy land and honestly, I'm ok with that now. I wish the girl would want to move in with him, that would make all of this much easier, to be honest. He'd leave a lot sooner. I just don't see kicking him out being a good solution. He doesn't have money for a place and I won't kick him out until he has a suitable place for his son to go. I know that it may seem like I'm not ready to let him go but it's really not that. I was crying to my dad on the phone last night...I need a miracle because I can't go through this another 11 months.

[BTDT2012]

I have no contacted a lawyer because I am Christian and cannot prove that anything physical has taken place. Once I can, I will absolutely file for divorce.

 

I have a book suggestion, written from the Christian perspective. I Don't love You Anymore by David CLarke, PH.D. As a Christian, you don't enable sin. I wish I had read this book when I first discovered the infidelity.

[MadJackBird]

His son is 11. I have no contacted a lawyer because I am Christian and cannot prove that anything physical has taken place. Once I can, I will absolutely file for divorce.

 

I don't believe he wants to work on the marriage - he is in fantasy land and honestly, I'm ok with that now. I wish the girl would want to move in with him, that would make all of this much easier, to be honest. He'd leave a lot sooner. I just don't see kicking him out being a good solution. He doesn't have money for a place and I won't kick him out until he has a suitable place for his son to go. I know that it may seem like I'm not ready to let him go but it's really not that. I was crying to my dad on the phone last night...I need a miracle because I can't go through this another 11 months.

 

The son is more then old enough to start taking care himself. Heck he probably could pack his child father's lunch for him.

 

Getting a lawyer doesn't mean you are divorcing. I understand the struggle as a Christian with divorcing as I went through my own struggles.

 

Getting a lawyer and showing you mean business is more about having some strength in the situation. Some advice I got in my own process was that I had been going along for the ride of my former wife's craziness for a long time. It was time for me to steer the car in the rollercoaster instead of just going along for the ride.

 

Talk to a lawyer for a free consult and tell your husband you did. Watch what happens. I bet he starts changing pretty quickly.

[Mr. Lucky]

...his Dad makes terrible decisions, so I guess I just have to roll with the punches. Praying that this ends quickly.

Starting to look at him with complete disgust.

 

Good to see your eyes are open. Congratulations on the progress you've made.

 

I have no contacted a lawyer because I am Christian and cannot prove that anything physical has taken place. Once I can, I will absolutely file for divorce.

 

Considering this has taken place, it's not enough?

 

he can't let her go...so he'll end our marriage and see what this is that they have.

 

somuchfortheone, given both his actions and statements, what further do you need? I hate to be blunt but he's already chosen - and it isn't you.

 

You need to focus on you - protecting your emotions, planning your future and prioritizing your needs. I know it's not your nature but time to be selfish...

 

Mr. Lucky

[goodyblue]

I am not judging you on the whole thing regarding kicking him out. I am just dope proud of you for taking a stand!! Keep it up, you are worth it!!

[AnneP]

I get the whole not wanting to leave his son stranded. You've been his mom for 8 years and he's now 11, which tells us you're the only mom he's ever know. There has been no mention of the birth mother, which means your son cannot go there.

 

That being said: I would give him 60 (plan for 90) days to get out. If he hasn't figured his plan by then, guess he will be living out of his car? Like another person said her husband was living out of his truck. Let him do it! Make him do it!

 

All that being said, I can see the MAJOR progress you've made in exactly one week. I just looked at your original post where you said:

 

"I want to work on our marriage, and my husband says he would like to as well, if they can figure this affair thing out...if she'll end it or if they can't get along/work out, etc. So, we decided to not sign our final divorce document until they do."

 

And today you're saying you find him disgusting.

 

You've come a long way in just a week. Keep it up.