Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[flowergirl14]

Check out divorce minister. Its a webstite from a minister who was cheated on by his wife. You are a good person but that doesnt mean you need to save him. Fixing others is something maybe you could adress in therapy.

[anika99]

According to the bible, infidelity is just cause for divorce. God did not intend for you to spend your life in this miserable marriage being disrespected and cheated on. It's so sad when people choose their own unhappiness and then blame it on God's will. You being mistreated is not God's will but he can't help you if you won't help yourself.

[aileD]

According to the bible, infidelity is just cause for divorce. God did not intend for you to spend your life in this miserable marriage being disrespected and cheated on. It's so sad when people choose their own unhappiness and then blame it on God's will. You being mistreated is not God's will but he can't help you if you won't help yourself.

Im think she knows this but needs definite proof?

[EZNona]

Day one of making his own meals and couldn't handle it...he almost grabbed fast food because he didn't "have time" to make it...he had plenty of time, chose to take a nap instead.

He's getting angry now that I'm pulling back... he asked me if I would help get his son from the bus stop after they move out/the divorce and I said no. He said that I would hurt him. I said, "no, you're hurting him. You're choosing this, not me." He said "But, you're his mom." I said, "I did more as a stepmom than you did as a dad for the last 8 years. I more than stepped up as a parent, now it's your turn. You should've thought about these things before asking me for a divorce."

 

Good for you for stopping him from walking all over you!! You're doing great!

 

And when he gets angry, just say "You mad? Now you know how I'm feeling..." and simply walk away.

 

Keep playing it cool. Do not entertain childish tantrums and do not give in to any of his demands/wants.

 

I think you should go ahead and contact a lawyer because you may not realize you have more than enough proof. I would think his admission and wanting to leave you for her would be plenty of ammo.

 

My mother was able to get an annulment with the church and with the law just by giving her account of things.

[AnneP]

Im think she knows this but needs definite proof?

 

Yes. I keep seeing her say that her WH is only admitting to an emotional affair. The Bible doesn't talk about emotional affairs. The Bible is clear on "laying with another" is a sin. She cannot prove he's done this and he's denying it ever occurred, so she has no proof.

[somuchfortheone]

Im think she knows this but needs definite proof?

 

 

 

Yes, my dad says infedelity (biblically) is physical. He studies the Bible more than anyone I know. So, I'm not going to file until I know that it's moved into a physical affair. I'm sure it won't take very long.

[somuchfortheone]

Yes. I keep seeing her say that her WH is only admitting to an emotional affair. The Bible doesn't talk about emotional affairs. The Bible is clear on "laying with another" is a sin. She cannot prove he's done this and he's denying it ever occurred, so she has no proof.

 

 

 

 

What he's doing ( emotional affair ) is absolutely a sin, no doubt. However, biblically, there are no grounds for divorce until the affair has become of a physical nature.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, my dad says infedelity (biblically) is physical. He studies the Bible more than anyone I know. So, I'm not going to file until I know that it's moved into a physical affair. I'm sure it won't take very long.

What does your pastor say? And I would encourage you to read the book I recommended earlier for more clarity. The author has a M.A. in biblical studies, and a Ph.d. in clinical psychology.

 

And lets be real here.Did you have sex with him before you married him? Why would you even consider that he wouldn't have ever had sex with her?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Somuch, there is a saying in the colloquial where I live which roughly translates in English as " Being a slave to the written word". in other words taking the meaning of something written in the Holy Scriptures literally. I would ask you, what does your heart tell you? I think if you can answer that truthfully then you have your answer. It is something like knowing somebody has a desire to kill you. Are you going to sit back and wait till the deed is actually done or are you going to take preventive measures to protect yourself while you still have a chance? I guess you know the consequences of waiting around. The Bible was compiled by Human Beings at the time, well after the events recorded actually took place. There was scope for some Human error there and while the thrust of what is recorded is essentially true, taking specific quotes out of the Bible and portraying them as the absolute truth is, in my opinion, ridiculous. This is why I have drifted away from mainstream religion because some things insult my intelligence and I am of the firm opinion that the Almighty would not have gifted me with intelligence if he did not want me to question things. It is one thing to have faith and believe in miracles ( by the way I believe in both) but quite another to be obdurate and stick with a stunted version of the truth. If you think your husband has cheated on you by having an EA then by all means go ahead and do what you want to do but if you do not believe that he cheated on you (Infidelity by any other name is still the same thing) then go ahead and reconcile with him and accept him for who he is.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but better safe than sorry. By the way, your Dad is not in your shoes and you are now an adult so you should be thinking for yourself. Warm wishes.

[AnneP]

What he's doing ( emotional affair ) is absolutely a sin, no doubt. However, biblically, there are no grounds for divorce until the affair has become of a physical nature.

 

Yeah, that's what I meant.

[AnneP]

Hi Somuch, there is a saying in the colloquial where I live which roughly translates in English as " Being a slave to the written word". in other words taking the meaning of something written in the Holy Scriptures literally. I would ask you, what does your heart tell you? I think if you can answer that truthfully then you have your answer. It is something like knowing somebody has a desire to kill you. Are you going to sit back and wait till the deed is actually done or are you going to take preventive measures to protect yourself while you still have a chance? I guess you know the consequences of waiting around. The Bible was compiled by Human Beings at the time, well after the events recorded actually took place. There was scope for some Human error there and while the thrust of what is recorded is essentially true, taking specific quotes out of the Bible and portraying them as the absolute truth is, in my opinion, ridiculous. This is why I have drifted away from mainstream religion because some things insult my intelligence and I am of the firm opinion that the Almighty would not have gifted me with intelligence if he did not want me to question things. It is one thing to have faith and believe in miracles ( by the way I believe in both) but quite another to be obdurate and stick with a stunted version of the truth. If you think your husband has cheated on you by having an EA then by all means go ahead and do what you want to do but if you do not believe that he cheated on you (Infidelity by any other name is still the same thing) then go ahead and reconcile with him and accept him for who he is.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but better safe than sorry. By the way, your Dad is not in your shoes and you are now an adult so you should be thinking for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

I think many people minimize the true struggle that Christians face with this issue.

 

Maybe ask for a polygraph. Like immediately. That should give you closure.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think the Bible also says that if you have sinned in your mind then that is as good as having sinned physically. I think it is mentioned somewhere in the new testament that if you have coveted a woman (or a man by extension) then it is as if you have physically slept with her/ him. Maybe someone more familiar with the Bible can elucidate on this. Warm wishes.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, my dad says infedelity (biblically) is physical. He studies the Bible more than anyone I know. So, I'm not going to file until I know that it's moved into a physical affair. I'm sure it won't take very long.

Actually, religious infidelity is rebelling against or disobeying the Laws of God; human Beings have taken it to mean something about marriage between two people on Earth.

 

Christians who use the Old Testament on which to base their faith and their outer rituals and behaviour are actually ignoring the Teachings of Christ given through Jesus.

Jesus' God is the Christian God; Moses' God is not.

 

Jesus specifically taught that "it is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom" (of Heaven). Thus, Jesus specifically taught against all forms of unhappiness, pain and suffering. Thus, staying in a marriage where unhappiness, pain and suffering are being perceived and endured is going against Jesus' Teachings and Jesus' God.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Ronni_W
spelling

[MadJackBird]

@Ronni,

 

I'm not sure I would go that far. I don't think there is a biblical reason to divorce just because you are unhappy.

 

@Just a Guy the verse you are referring to is Matthew 5:28 - But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart

 

And those are Jesus words, but it's not really relevant to the issue. Jesus is speaking to the very high standards He has for us, so high that they are practically impossible. The same section also says anyone with hatred for another is committed murder in his heart.

 

However, this topic is veering aware from what OP probably wants. I commend her for sticking to her biblical beliefs, but I've been struggling with what advice to give, because I've had this struggle in my own decisions to divorce, but honestly I think your thought process is a bit off, you shouldn't feel stuck in a marriage where one partner has checked out or abandoned the marriage, just because you can't prove something physical hasn't happened.

 

First of all, you are deceiving yourself if you think something physical hasn't happened, or is about to happen. We all know the drill. Emotions come first and left to it's own devices it will always turn physical.

 

Your husband, by your own admissions does not want to be married to you, he doesn't want to seek out marriage counselling and fix the marriage. In essence he is abandoning you.

 

There are generally 2, (maybe 3 but I won't get into the unequally yoked argument here, it's probably similar to the 2nd reason) biblical reasons for divorce. The first as you are well aware is infidelity. I think you are splitting hairs on what this means. He's certainly DOING SOMETHING with this women. It is emotional adultery, and as you said it is not acceptable in a marriage situation.

 

But let's go ahead and put our head in the sand and assume "nothing happened"

 

He is also abandoning you and your marriage. 1 Cor 7:10-16. I'm sure you are going to tell me that you've read this and it is not relevant in your situation because your husband is a believer. Well if he is a believer then he knows all of this as well and certainly should be working on not leaving you and working on fixing the marriage and going to marriage counseling etc.

 

But he isn't, and you are letting him walk all over you like a doormat.

 

Get a lawyer, Give him an ultimatum to get out of the house and stop doing everything for him. Show some strength in the situation, even if you don't really plan to divorce, show him he has to take you seriously and see what happens. Likely something will happen either he'll wake up and fix the marriage, or at least you'll have your sanity back if he walks away. I certainly wouldn't want to live in limbo like you are now. That was some of the worst times of the whole process.

[BTDT2012]

What he's doing ( emotional affair ) is absolutely a sin, no doubt. However, biblically, there are no grounds for divorce until the affair has become of a physical nature.

 

Even if you don't file for divorce, there is no requirement that you continue to live with him while he is disrespecting you.

[aileD]

The Bible says you can also divorce if an unbeliever deserts a believer.

 

How religious is he?

 

Ask your husband something like "do you at least wear a condom or do I have to get tested?" Or ask HER.

[Damia]

Hi The one, I have walked in your shoes. I am so sad you are going through this.

Very sad for his son too, as it sounds like you are the only mum he has known. Hopefully you can work something out to keep a relationship with your stepson going. He is probably going to need someone looking out for him with his dad only thinking about himself

 

If you want some more/a different perspective try chumplady.com

 

Best of luck and look after yourself

[Oberfeldwebel]

It's strange - I do feel that I deserve better than this - I know my actions don't show it. I just really felt like we were meant to be....do you think there's truly no hope of him changing his ways? Once a cheater, always?

 

No I don't believe in the once a cheater concept, but recovery has to start with the other person being contrite and that is not the person you have described. The behavior you have described is a person that feels they are so special that they are entitled, regardless of everybody else's feelings. I know this is not what you had envisioned for your marriage and WANT to make it work, but you can't do it by yourself. Believe me I tried that and it gave me more nothing but more misery. In hindsight, my wife really showed herself to me, however I saw the potential to what she could have been, instead of what was real.

 

You have to see folks for what they really are in life. There are a plethora of good men that will value you and life a rewarding life. Time to go back into the world with your eyes wide open. There is a brave new world out there, best of luck to you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say that I'm a Catholic (yes, I know, obviously lapsed). I got divorced from my ex and easily applied for an annulment. They actually don't care at all about what happened in the marriage, only what factors existed before the marriage. You could be married to the Son of Sam. It is irrelevant. You need to prove to them that the marriage never should have existed. It is not that hard, you just say how you didn't know the person, who he was, and so on, reasons why it should never have happened. Get 4 people to back you in writing. And write a check. I got mine and got remarried in the Church.

 

I just wanted you to know that. You should make sure you know the rules for your Church before you waste time waiting for evidence.

[somuchfortheone]

My husband of 8 years is leaving his OW (of a year and a half) and she's leaving her husband of 15 years. OW is moving out next week. WH is moving out early August.

 

 

I know it'll sound crazy but he's still sleeping in the bed, we're being intimate - very - hand holding, I love you's, I miss you's, etc...It's a messy situation and I am part to blame. It's hard for me to let go even though I know I need to. It just doesn't feel right. It feels like we're supposed to be together. I would work on reconciling but he needs to "figure out what this is and why he can't let it go."

Husband says he's confused..wants us both but can't have us both. With me, he can't have her in his life at all...with her he gets her and still can be friends with me at least. I told him last night that it all has to stop because it's preventing me from moving forward. He's made his decision and he needs to commit to it. Just feels like he's made the wrong choice. It's hard to move on when you feel like that's not what is right for your life.

Did anyone ever get divorced when you still had that much love for your spouse? Is the love for the OW THAT strong? Just curious if this sounds familiar to anyone's situation...

[NTV]

One of the sayings that float around here that really helped me out is "my love for you didn't stop you from cheating and it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it."

[Birdies]

My husband of 8 years is leaving his OW (of a year and a half) and she's leaving her husband of 15 years. OW is moving out next week. WH is moving out early August.

 

 

I know it'll sound crazy but he's still sleeping in the bed, we're being intimate - very - hand holding, I love you's, I miss you's, etc...It's a messy situation and I am part to blame. It's hard for me to let go even though I know I need to. It just doesn't feel right. It feels like we're supposed to be together. I would work on reconciling but he needs to "figure out what this is and why he can't let it go."

Husband says he's confused..wants us both but can't have us both. With me, he can't have her in his life at all...with her he gets her and still can be friends with me at least. I told him last night that it all has to stop because it's preventing me from moving forward. He's made his decision and he needs to commit to it. Just feels like he's made the wrong choice. It's hard to move on when you feel like that's not what is right for your life.

Did anyone ever get divorced when you still had that much love for your spouse? Is the love for the OW THAT strong? Just curious if this sounds familiar to anyone's situation...

 

I'm sorry to hear this I was in a similar situation except I was the wayward wife ending my marriage. After my affair became exposed and things blew up, we were in limbo for a while - husband obviously very hurt and angry but willing to consider reconciling if I did certain measures, me agonizing at having hurt him so badly and still loving him deeply, but feeling like the issues in our marriage were unsolvable while also being in love with my AP who was divorcing his wife also. (Note: NONE of this is justifiable in any way, I've done a lot of soul searching and see how my affair was 100% my own selfish poor choice, etc.)

 

Anyway, we ultimately decided that it was just too much to handle and split up - this was about a year ago. He was very gracious about it - much like you are being, it sounds like. And while I wasn't in love with him anymore and didn't see how the fundamental problems in our marriage could be fixed, I still cared about him deeply as my best friend and partner of 15 years, and I desperately wanted him to be in my life going forward. At first he felt the same way, and we did still spend time together, etc before the divorce was final. But fairly soon afterwards, he seemed to realize that continued contact in any meaningful way was just prolonging the pain and the transition period.

 

What we had to realize, and what I hope you will realize, is that you CANNOT be that best friend / life partner for him anymore, and vice versa. I don't get to break my husband's heart and break our lifelong vows to each other, but still keep him as my best friend - it's just wrong. And for you, the best and easiest way to transition to a life without him is to cut off most or all contact while you adjust to your new reality. It will be hard, you have to physically stop yourself from reaching out, but staying in contact will just prolong the transition period and prevent you from getting to the place where you don't need him anymore. You need to get to that place eventually, so you may as well get it over with.

 

It's been horribly painful for me, and I know much more so for him. I regret hurting him more than I could ever express. But it happened, and this is how you have to deal with it. I hope that someday he and I can be friends or acquaintances, but I will just have to follow his lead on that.

 

Please feel free to engage further in discussion with me if you think it could help. The way you're describing your husband's mindset sounds very, very similar to what my perspective was, and he treated me as kindly as it sounds like you are treating him.

 

Last thing, I recommend you join the website surviving infidelity - the posters there will be VERY helpful in helping you realize that you deserve more than to be your cheating husband's emotional support while he leaves you for another woman. Hugs xoxoxo

[Chaparral]

Start going out.

You're in an open marriage now. He needs to see you having fun with other men. Also, start sleeping in another bed.

[harrybrown]

I'm sorry to hear this I was in a similar situation except I was the wayward wife ending my marriage. After my affair became exposed and things blew up, we were in limbo for a while - husband obviously very hurt and angry but willing to consider reconciling if I did certain measures, me agonizing at having hurt him so badly and still loving him deeply, but feeling like the issues in our marriage were unsolvable while also being in love with my AP who was divorcing his wife also. (Note: NONE of this is justifiable in any way, I've done a lot of soul searching and see how my affair was 100% my own selfish poor choice, etc.)

 

Anyway, we ultimately decided that it was just too much to handle and split up - this was about a year ago. He was very gracious about it - much like you are being, it sounds like. And while I wasn't in love with him anymore and didn't see how the fundamental problems in our marriage could be fixed, I still cared about him deeply as my best friend and partner of 15 years, and I desperately wanted him to be in my life going forward. At first he felt the same way, and we did still spend time together, etc before the divorce was final. But fairly soon afterwards, he seemed to realize that continued contact in any meaningful way was just prolonging the pain and the transition period.

 

What we had to realize, and what I hope you will realize, is that you CANNOT be that best friend / life partner for him anymore, and vice versa. I don't get to break my husband's heart and break our lifelong vows to each other, but still keep him as my best friend - it's just wrong. And for you, the best and easiest way to transition to a life without him is to cut off most or all contact while you adjust to your new reality. It will be hard, you have to physically stop yourself from reaching out, but staying in contact will just prolong the transition period and prevent you from getting to the place where you don't need him anymore. You need to get to that place eventually, so you may as well get it over with.

 

It's been horribly painful for me, and I know much more so for him. I regret hurting him more than I could ever express. But it happened, and this is how you have to deal with it. I hope that someday he and I can be friends or acquaintances, but I will just have to follow his lead on that.

 

Please feel free to engage further in discussion with me if you think it could help. The way you're describing your husband's mindset sounds very, very similar to what my perspective was, and he treated me as kindly as it sounds like you are treating him.

 

Last thing, I recommend you join the website surviving infidelity - the posters there will be VERY helpful in helping you realize that you deserve more than to be your cheating husband's emotional support while he leaves you for another woman. Hugs xoxoxo

 

I feel for your ex husband.

 

Did you at least help him with the pain and rejection?

[somuchfortheone]

I'm sorry to hear this I was in a similar situation except I was the wayward wife ending my marriage. After my affair became exposed and things blew up, we were in limbo for a while - husband obviously very hurt and angry but willing to consider reconciling if I did certain measures, me agonizing at having hurt him so badly and still loving him deeply, but feeling like the issues in our marriage were unsolvable while also being in love with my AP who was divorcing his wife also. (Note: NONE of this is justifiable in any way, I've done a lot of soul searching and see how my affair was 100% my own selfish poor choice, etc.)

 

Anyway, we ultimately decided that it was just too much to handle and split up - this was about a year ago. He was very gracious about it - much like you are being, it sounds like. And while I wasn't in love with him anymore and didn't see how the fundamental problems in our marriage could be fixed, I still cared about him deeply as my best friend and partner of 15 years, and I desperately wanted him to be in my life going forward. At first he felt the same way, and we did still spend time together, etc before the divorce was final. But fairly soon afterwards, he seemed to realize that continued contact in any meaningful way was just prolonging the pain and the transition period.

 

What we had to realize, and what I hope you will realize, is that you CANNOT be that best friend / life partner for him anymore, and vice versa. I don't get to break my husband's heart and break our lifelong vows to each other, but still keep him as my best friend - it's just wrong. And for you, the best and easiest way to transition to a life without him is to cut off most or all contact while you adjust to your new reality. It will be hard, you have to physically stop yourself from reaching out, but staying in contact will just prolong the transition period and prevent you from getting to the place where you don't need him anymore. You need to get to that place eventually, so you may as well get it over with.

 

It's been horribly painful for me, and I know much more so for him. I regret hurting him more than I could ever express. But it happened, and this is how you have to deal with it. I hope that someday he and I can be friends or acquaintances, but I will just have to follow his lead on that.

 

Please feel free to engage further in discussion with me if you think it could help. The way you're describing your husband's mindset sounds very, very similar to what my perspective was, and he treated me as kindly as it sounds like you are treating him.

 

Last thing, I recommend you join the website surviving infidelity - the posters there will be VERY helpful in helping you realize that you deserve more than to be your cheating husband's emotional support while he leaves you for another woman. Hugs xoxoxo

 

 

it does sound similar. Did you tell your husband you were still in love with him or if your new relationship didn't work out that you'd want to be with him again? My husband says that he's conflicted and if this doesn't work, I'm the only one he'd want to be with. His heart is torn. He says he's still in love and developed this other connection during a rough patch in our marriage. Are you happy in your new relationship...does everything you went through seem worth it?

 

 

thanks for sharing your story!