Struggle of moving towards divorce **Updated 4/29**

[somuchfortheone]

When I see/talk to him next...I'm thinking of saying the following...please let me know if anything should be changed.. I may just send it over text today.

 

 

"I will be opening up my own checking account on Friday. Starting 5/1, our money will be completely separate. You will need your own checking account by then (if you don't already have one), so your checks can be deposited/bills withdrawn. You have money to go out drinking, out for food, stay in hotels and neither you nor your girlfriend have any money...so one of you, if not both are hiding money from your spouses. I will no longer continue to help you, while you continue to lie, cheat, and stab me in the back. We will not communicate at all with the exception of the following 1) our child and 2) the divorce. I did not sign up for a friendship. I signed up for a marriage. We will not have family time. I will spend time with our son individually, and you can spend time with him individually. If you decide at some point you want to work on our marriage, that can be the third thing we talk about. If that day never comes, then it never comes. Regardless, I'm moving on with my life.

 

 

Thoughts?

[Steen719]

Is there money in the joint checking and savings account now that should be split? If so, you might want to take half and put it in to your own new accounts before you tell him. He could take it all. You may think he wouldn't and maybe he wouldn't, but better to be safe. When that is done, then maybe send him the text.

 

Did you legally adopt his son? If so, you definitely have rights, but if you did not, you will need to check and see what, if any, your rights and responsibilities are. Talking to an attorney is free (the first time) and may give you some good ideas on what steps to take right now.

 

You are doing well, progressing and looking out for yourself. It isn't easy. It is life sucking, but you are stronger than you thought you were. Keep moving forward.

[somuchfortheone]

Is there money in the joint checking and savings account now that should be split? If so, you might want to take half and put it in to your own new accounts before you tell him. He could take it all. You may think he wouldn't and maybe he wouldn't, but better to be safe. When that is done, then maybe send him the text.

 

 

We don't - if need be, I can borrow money from a family member to help get me through the first couple months...I may do that anyways.

 

Did you legally adopt his son? If so, you definitely have rights, but if you did not, you will need to check and see what, if any, your rights and responsibilities are. Talking to an attorney is free (the first time) and may give you some good ideas on what steps to take right now.

 

I didn't -- actually almost did a couple of time...thank God I didn't because I know he would take me for child support.

 

 

You are doing well, progressing and looking out for yourself. It isn't easy. It is life sucking, but you are stronger than you thought you were. Keep moving forward.

 

 

Thank you-- it's not easy at all. I don't know why I feel bad. If I would have done what he's done to him, I have no doubt that I would be completely on my own at this point...carrying my own weight...I've been beyond generous. It's time to face reality...for both of us.

[aileD]

Leave out this part

 

You have money to go out drinking, out for food, stay in hotels and neither you nor your girlfriend have any money...so one of you, if not both are hiding money from your spouses. I will no longer continue to help you, while you continue to lie, cheat, and stab me in the back.

 

It makes you feel better but you don't want to be seen as vindictive if it goes to court.

 

It's a business letter about how you will separate your life. The end.

 

 

I'm sorry.

[waterwoman]

Thank you-- it's not easy at all. I don't know why I feel bad. If I would have done what he's done to him, I have no doubt that I would be completely on my own at this point...carrying my own weight...I've been beyond generous. It's time to face reality...for both of us.

 

 

Good for you! Hope this is the start of healing for you xx

[Birdies]

Thank you-- it's not easy at all. I don't know why I feel bad. If I would have done what he's done to him, I have no doubt that I would be completely on my own at this point...carrying my own weight...I've been beyond generous. It's time to face reality...for both of us.

 

You're doing the right thing by staying classy and avoiding the scorched earth approach. Your son needs some stability in his life, and unfortunately you're the only one of the two parents who seems to be up for that. By keeping this as low-drama as possible, you'll save your son a lot of confusion and trauma. You'll also save a lot of money in lawyer fees if you don't take him to court over and over about every little thing.

 

My ex was really gracious like you are being, and he said it was because when he looked back on that period in 2, 5, 10 years, he wanted to be proud of who he had been and how he had treated someone he loved, despite the obvious pain he was going through. I don't think you'll regret it.

 

Your letter seems perfect. Now follow through with the NC. You owe it to yourself not to be stuck in this limbo land. He is not your friend. That's something he'll have to learn the hard way (been there done that). Hugs xoxoxxo

[somuchfortheone]

You're doing the right thing by staying classy and avoiding the scorched earth approach. Your son needs some stability in his life, and unfortunately you're the only one of the two parents who seems to be up for that. By keeping this as low-drama as possible, you'll save your son a lot of confusion and trauma. You'll also save a lot of money in lawyer fees if you don't take him to court over and over about every little thing.

 

My ex was really gracious like you are being, and he said it was because when he looked back on that period in 2, 5, 10 years, he wanted to be proud of who he had been and how he had treated someone he loved, despite the obvious pain he was going through. I don't think you'll regret it.

 

 

Thank you - I don't think I'll regret it either and I can move on knowing I tried everything...I gave it my all.

Edited April 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[William]

Folks, a couple of auto-moderated posts were approved so there may be some content to read back for. Also, the thread starter is having some formatting issues so I returned one post and edited another to correct content. More content should be arriving presently. Thanks and please continue!

[BTDT2012]

Thank you - I don't think I'll regret it either and I can move on knowing I tried everything...I gave it my all.

 

He will wake up or he won't. I know I put up with way too much bullsh!@ before I finally took a firm stand. And please get some IC for yourself. It will help you going forward.

[somuchfortheone]

This was the email I sent:

 

 

I will be opening up my own checking account on Friday. Starting 5/1, our money will be completely separate. You will need your own checking account by then (if you don't already have one), so your checks can be deposited/bills withdrawn. I will give you the list of bills, due dates, log in information, etc this month. It will be your responsibility to make the payments and deposit your paychecks beginning 5/1.

 

-----------------

 

You have money to go out drinking, out for food, stay in hotels and neither you nor your girlfriend have any money...so one of you, if not both are hiding money from your spouses. I will no longer continue to help you, while you continue to lie, cheat, and stab me in the back. Additionally, you no longer want to be married; you want to be friends. Friends do not share a budget.

 

I have been more than gracious by continuing to help and allowing you to stay in the home until August 1st. I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not still be allowing me to stay in the home and helping me cover my bills each month after a year and a half long affair and a false reconciliation. I am comfortable with how I’ve handled everything through this.

 

We have a list of things we have get done very soon:

 

 

• Get the home appraised
  
• Speak with an attorney concerning splitting the equity in the home
  
• Go over our credit card debt and determine a plan that works for both of us to pay it off/split it up (any charges that we do not discuss and agree upon starting now will be your responsibility, if you charge them on your cards, and my responsibility if I charge them on my cards)
  
• We have to go to Carmax to get my name off of the truck
  
• We need to split up our car insurance and get individual plans
  
• We need to call all of our credit card providers to see if the cards are in our names only, or joint – anything joint will need to be changed to individual credit cards
  
• Switch over bills that are coming out of our joint account to our individual accounts
  
• We need to close our joint bank account
  
• File our taxes
  

We will not communicate at all with the exception of the following 1) (our son) and 2) the divorce. I did not sign up for a friendship. I signed up for a marriage. We will not have family time. I will spend time with (our son) individually. If you decide at some point you want to work on our marriage, that can be the third thing open for discussion; I’m not saying I’ll want it at that point, just saying you are free to speak to me about that. If that day never comes, then it never comes. Regardless, I'm moving on with my life.

 

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Edited April 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed formatting codes

[BTDT2012]

Speak with an attorney concerning splitting the equity in the home

 

I would suggest that you talk to an attorney individually. Don't play fair with a person who isn't playing fair with you. From what you have indicated, you have carried the majority of the financial load. Don't count on him to do any of the things that you enumerated. See that attorney ASAP!! For all you know, he may try to obtain possession of the house on the basis that he has a minor child. He is not your friend, and you need to look out for your interests.

[Steen719]

I agree with BTD. See an attorney by yourself ASAP.

 

August is such a long time away. You need to get him out of there before then if at all possible. I stayed in my house with my XH and I think that might have been the worst period of the entire experience.

 

I know you are trying to be fair, but he has made his choice. This is his doing, his decision and if he and his girlfriend have a difficult time affording a place to stay - oh well, too bad. Please reconsider this. You have already been more than fair, more than he has a right to expect. He sounds like my XH, so entitled, so sure you will be helpful....UGH!

 

See an attorney as soon as you can. I mean, if you can get an appointment today, you should go and find out what your rights are. Call today.

[somuchfortheone]

I got home and he was asleep on the couch… I usually would've sat next to him and try to talk to him but I tiptoed to the bedroom and went to sleep. I woke up to him sitting next to me on the ground… Asking me if I want to talk. He never wants to talk. I always want to talk. I asked what you want to talk about? He said the letter. I said what about the letter? He said I don't know… Is that really how you feel? Do you really not want to be friends? We can't do family dinners? I said that's not how it works. I said you don't get to have both of us. Isigned up for a marriage not a friendship. How are you know what you've Lost if you've never lost it? He's taking a job 2.7 miles away from my work. He said he would've liked to gone to lunch and stuff. I told him there will be no friendship. I guess my worry is if it does fall apart with them why would he come back to me when we don't even talk or have a friendship? Just worry I'm doing the wrong thing with this no contact. Obviously would've been before wasn't working… But this doesn't feel right. I just never saw him out of my life. It's really painful

[BluesPower]

Why do you think he wanted to talk???

 

Because you stood up for yourself. You gave him some consequences. He has his head so far up you know where that he cannot even see what he is doing.

 

Keep up the no contact and the consequences, either you will get through with the divorce quicker or he will wake up.

 

Keep doing what you are doing...

[somuchfortheone]

Why do you think he wanted to talk???

 

Because you stood up for yourself. You gave him some consequences. He has his head so far up you know where that he cannot even see what he is doing.

 

Keep up the no contact and the consequences, either you will get through with the divorce quicker or he will wake up.

 

Keep doing what you are doing...

 

 

Thank you...you're right. It's just tough because NC is the opposite of what I really want. But, he can't have both of us...and he's chosen her. I'll keep you updated.

[somuchfortheone]

Help --- how do I respond to a text from husband "Good morning! :)"

 

Keep in mind...we are going NC but also living together for the next 4 months...

this is where I struggle...if we're NC but the 180 says to be pleasant to be around - upbeat...I need help here...how do I respond?

 

thank you!

[waterwoman]

Help --- how do I respond to a text from husband "Good morning! :)"

 

Keep in mind...we are going NC but also living together for the next 4 months...

this is where I struggle...if we're NC but the 180 says to be pleasant to be around - upbeat...I need help here...how do I respond?

 

thank you!

 

 

You don't. No need. He wasn't asking for a response or requesting information on any relevant subject. It isn't rude not to respond, just neutral.

[Steen719]

Help --- how do I respond to a text from husband "Good morning! :)"

 

Keep in mind...we are going NC but also living together for the next 4 months...

this is where I struggle...if we're NC but the 180 says to be pleasant to be around - upbeat...I need help here...how do I respond?

 

thank you!

 

 

Why do you HAVE to wait for 4 months? This is not good for you. Please consider moving this up and see an attorney.

 

And....he does not need a "good morning back" ...get mad about this. A smiley face? Honestly, he is married to you, out shacking up with a married woman, his son is home with you and this is his reaction? He needs a reality check and FAST!!!!

[somuchfortheone]

Why do you HAVE to wait for 4 months? This is not good for you. Please consider moving this up and see an attorney.

 

I told him he could stay until 8/1 because he wants to buy a home. I don't want to change that out of anger..I don't think that's fair (yes, despite everything he's done to me...I want to do what's right...be a woman of my word and walk away with no regrets in how I handled it...I know I sound crazy).

 

And....he does not need a "good morning back" ...get mad about this. A smiley face? Honestly, he is married to you, out shacking up with a married woman, his son is home with you and this is his reaction? He needs a reality check and FAST!!!!

 

ok - I trust y'all...as much as ignoring him feels so against the grain...but like I said, what I am doing isn't working so it's the only choice...

 

thank you for taking the time to help me through this

[Steen719]

OK, It isn't as if I don't understand you wanting to be honest to your word. I tried to make concessions as well and later, wished so fervently that I had not. You are helping him get in a situation to be able to live with this other woman. You want to be honest and kind and faithful because you are that kind of person. He is dishonest and in love with another woman and together, they have cheated and lied to their spouses. He is taking advantage of your kind nature and you are letting him.

 

What is he using to buy the house? Your existing house? Will you need to pay him something in order for him to buy a house? Or are you selling your house in order for this divorce to go through? You can't just keep it if he is on the mortgage. You will need to refinance it in just your name and HE HAS TO AGREE TO THIS.

 

I got so screwed in my situation. I'm still recovering financially from it all.

 

If I could do it all over, I would do things so differently. I would not have been so kind and forgiving. He screwed me over and I let him.

 

Please, please, please...see an attorney. TODAY!

[BTDT2012]

When you agreed to 4 months was he staying out all night in hotels with his boo, openly disrespecting you? I think you are hoping that he will change his mind. Please, please see an attorney to protect your interests. Don't for a minute think the AP isn't pushing him to get as much from you as he can.

[Birdies]

You're doing the right thing by ignoring him. Think of it this way, the only two GOOD outcomes here are 1) he realizes what a POS he's been and changes his ways and does everything possible to make it up to you, OR 2) you remove a selfish lying unremorseful jerk from your life because you deserve more.

 

If you're friends and everything is hunky dory, what motivation does he have to shape up? He's got his exciting new sex on one hand, and his reliable best friend mother of his child on the other hand. Best of both worlds.

 

By showing him the TRUE consequences of his actions, you're making him choose. He may realize that actually you are the prize and he's an idiot for potentially throwing that away. And if he doesn't - he's not someone you want. You deserve someone who puts you first. You know? Either way, it's a win win, and you reclaim your dignity in the process.

 

Hugs xoxox

[somuchfortheone]

OK, It isn't as if I don't understand you wanting to be honest to your word. I tried to make concessions as well and later, wished so fervently that I had not. You are helping him get in a situation to be able to live with this other woman. You want to be honest and kind and faithful because you are that kind of person. He is dishonest and in love with another woman and together, they have cheated and lied to their spouses. He is taking advantage of your kind nature and you are letting him.

 

What is he using to buy the house? Your existing house? Will you need to pay him something in order for him to buy a house? Or are you selling your house in order for this divorce to go through? You can't just keep it if he is on the mortgage. You will need to refinance it in just your name and HE HAS TO AGREE TO THIS.

 

I'm not exactly sure about his home buying...I know he mentioned something about possibly being qualified for a loan w/o money down...I can't remember what he called it. I don't think he plans on using the equity to buy his home...I'm not selling the home...he's just getting his half of the equity. He's not on the loan, he is on the title because I added him after the fact. Thankfully we will not have to refinance...with the exception of the equity - that's all the $$ we have to really figure out. We have some debt but I think we can come to a quick agreement on that.

 

I got so screwed in my situation. I'm still recovering financially from it all.

 

If I could do it all over, I would do things so differently. I would not have been so kind and forgiving. He screwed me over and I let him.

 

Please, please, please...see an attorney. TODAY!

Thank you for your advice - I'm sorry you went through this as well...It's just awful... I don't think you can really explain to anyone how terrible it really is.

[somuchfortheone]

Instead of coming home tonight, I went to the lake for an hour. Came home and started cleaning. Trying to show him that he's not my world. I would've usually try talking to him. ... try to spend time with them. I kept busy and he actually asked me to make eye contact with him. That I did well. What I didn't do well was staying calm, not being cold, not reading my voice, i'm not comparing myself to the OW. He was upset that I didn't say hello when he came home. Then we got into the topic of taxes... he was upset that I had scheduled it yet and the deadline is in 11 days. Yes the deadline is near. But I always schedule our taxes on time. Then he made the comment "this happens every year. I've been asking you to schedule the taxes appointment and you keep saying you're going to do it "and I said "and I will and I always do get them done on time. "That irritated me because I know this girl isn't going to do a fraction of what I do around the house. I do everything, schedule everything from the cleaning to the cooking to the laundry to the budget. To watching his son. You name it I do it. " I said you should be careful how you act on your way out… I don't think where you're headed with a secure. Do you really think she's gonna do everything I do? I have a feeling she's not going to do a fraction of what I do. "He said "oh I know she's not. "I thought I said then maybe you shouldn't bash the speed at which I handle everything when I'm the one doing everything and the girl you're about to be with wouldn't do a fraction of what I do. I am so struggling with talking and not being cold but not talking because they're supposed be no contact… But also try to be pleasant to be around. Somebody please help me understand what that looks like. Then he asked "so we can never do lunch ever? We can never be friends ever? "And I said "if we reconcile. "Outside of that, I don't see a friendship. He said "I hate that has to be that way. " Sounds like he cares on one hand but is just so happy with her, it's not going to break his stride.

[aileD]

Ugh he needs to move out