Any thoughts, 6 year Bup GIGS

[therealmccoy]

GF of 5 yr 11 months broke up with me to start dating one of our close friends. This happened shortly after we discussed going on a break and I was out of town for school trip. We started dating when I was 19, she was 16 until I was 25 and she was 22. The breakup happened about 7 months ago now, I still think of her almost all the time and wonder how she could betray and pretty much cheat on me. Shes no longer with who she left me for, and after she told me that her and him decided "just to be friends" she was with a new boyfriend about two weeks later.

 

My story:

I was busy with school over the summer and she started hanging out with one of our close guy friends more and more instead of seeing me after class ( I did get out late at night). I fixed her car a week 1/2 prior to the BU. We discussed going on a break and agreed no seeing any friends while on a break but never agreed on when to do the break. I texted her while on a field trip over the weekend about it and it ended up in an argument and settled to go on the break then. she was still trying to text me but I reminded her that we were on a break and should speak and could talk in person when I got home. She pretty much avoided ever meeting up with me like she said she would. One night she said she was out for a drive (she lied) but ended up really visiting her friend about an hour away and didnt mention she was with him until about 3a.m. when she was driving him home. I met her early morning and she said she "loved me but wasnt in love with me" I asked if she liked him and she said no (she lied). She couldnt even look at me this whole time. We agreed to meet the next day when she got off and she argued about meeting up again and pleaded me to give her space and to not come over. I did to discuss with her what was going on, she didnt even let me in her house. She said she didnt know what she wanted, I lost temper and called her names. she spent this night at her girlfriends house and we talked a little bit that night. I told her to just BU with me and that it wasnt fair to string me along, keep me in limbo as she was hanging out with him and wanted a break from me for a few weeks. She sent a text message in the morning ending it (a 6yr relationship and thats how she ended it)

 

I give her stuff back to her mom the next day (stuff she bought/made for me), Im a mess. Her mom said give her time and space, she doesnt know what shes doing. She texts the next day asking if I had seen the new features in a videogame. We talk a bit about it. I snooped and logged into her FB and noticed he had said goodnight to her, a few days later her password was changed. I accidentally called her (buttdialed) at work and hung up, she texts back and she is out with him at a party. We talk that night and she said she would contact me the next day for coffee. she never did ( I sat around waiting)

One day I drive to the store early morning and see her car at his house, this guy is also a roommate with one of my best friends. I talk to my best friend and he confirms it,she spends the night with him about 6 times in two weeks.We met up again to exchange goods, I gave her the anniversary necklace I got for her as I couldnt return it. I call her out on sleeping with him, she denies it, is only there because her family is in town and her house is full and said she wouldnt sleep there after her family left. Well she continued sleeping there. I called her in the a.m. to get the rest of my stuff, she didnt answer so I called her mom. Her mom said she was at her friends house that lives an hour away sleeping there, and I replied or shes at his house. (My ex had previously told me she told her mom everything) Her mom didnt know and was confused, she calls her daughter. We meet that night with her bestfriend at her house (she couldnt face me on her own) They gang up on me,call me a stalker, Im crazy etc.. I say you cheated on me, you had someone you were probably flirting with while you were still with me. I tell her to forget me. I messaged him to be honest with me and he took 5 hours to even reply admitting everything and hoping it wouldnt ruin our friendship HAHAHA. I delete them on FB and unfollw her bestfriend. My bestfriend who also lives in the house keeps me posted, she stays there about 3x a week, that house is gross (roach flee infested)

I show up at her moms work one day schedule a time to get my haircut, she was excited to see me and got my side of the story. She said her daughter changed and was llieing to her about school and seeing him as well. Her mom doesnt like him, has a DUI, no education, and said her daughter is just"staying busy with him" (still, she was sleeping with him 2 weeks after a 6 year relationship with me, something was probably going on before it ended). I see her on the roads sometimes leaving school,she avoids me switches lanes etc..Said Im following her. Her mom said that shes bored sometimes, walks around the house saying that she wishes she could hangout with me. Her bestfriend apparently told her mom that we would probably get back together, (gave me false hope hearing that).

 

I found a videogame of hers about a month later. Texted her saying I would return it. she was trying to avoid me telling me to sell it and that she doesnt want it,then agrees that I could drop it off one day and we could talk. She asks me how im doing and I respond 'how do you think Im doing", she started to get nasty with me once again. The day came to drop the game off and she avoids me and doesnt want me to drop it off. she still cant face me. We argue again over texts, she was with her bestfriend at the time and I think it was her bestfriend actually texting me on her phone. I could tell the way it was written. She says Im not even with him anymore but you would know since you drive by there all the time. She is now dating one of her bestfriend's old **** buddies from about a year ago. Ive been no contact again for the past 2 months and plan to keep it. If I find anything else of hers its going in the trash.

 

Shes one of those people that has to have a boyfriend. Ive known her since she was 15 and she hasnt been single for more than two months at a time. She dated me straight for almost six years, I mustve been doing something right. I moved her and her family multiple times, paid for vet bills for her animals, helped her pay for textbooks, fixed her car multiple times, weve been on vacation to see eachothers' families and this is the thanks i get. Its not that she broke up with me its how she did it. i think its a case of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) shes young and her bestfriend is a bad influence. I dont know if Ill ever hear from her, or get any closure. She ruined a friendship just to use him as a rebound and Ill never be the same or trust anyone again because of her.

 

I welcome any advice/thoughts.

[Mrlonelyone]

There are so many issues here.

 

The truth is this sounds like it was your fault and hers and only a really frank will to make things work from both of you could save this.

 

The short version is the only thing to do now is go NC and avoid her from now on. She'll miss contact with you and even miss that you did chase her a bit. Something I have heard so many women say they want a man they are interested in to do even when they are acting like they don't to his face. Crazy right? You must ignore anything other than her calling you on the phone or coming to your door.

 

What you did wrong.

 

You messed up logging into her Facebook. If you typed in a wrong password before the right one it would notify her of a suspicious login. That was a violation of her trust in you and would have pushed her away even farther. The fact that she did not change the password right away is a good sign though...one you could only know about by violating her trust so a catch 22 really.

 

If you live in a small town or the same neighborhood or something then you may not be following her for real. Logically if you live in the same neighborhood or in the same small town she'd see you around still. If this is the case then don't change anything you have a right to exist too. Just ignore her it'll drive her crazy if she has feelings for you still.

 

What is going on with her.

 

Six years 11 months is a long time to just be a GF. I saw a FB video about a couple who dated for five years and has now been married for 70 years. So a long time dating, presumably with breakups in that time can lead to a long marriage for the right people.

 

She may be tired of waiting for you to make her a wife and leaving you is a way to get you to propose. If so that is manipulative and you should just keep NC.

 

The "Love but not in love" line means that she is no longer feeling limerence towards you. This is a state where the person you love can do no wrong their farts smell good and nothing of theirs stinks. Their bad habits are cute. This is a feeling that can usually last 2-3 years but for some people who are both limerant it could go on for 6-7 years. This extended honeymoon can make people think they are really compatible when they really aren't.

 

Then when the chemical high wears off they suddenly break up for no real reason. The chemical high is gone and they realize there is no real foundation for a lasting relationship. (Compare to the couple married 70 years .... he was a telephone engineer /repairman and she was on operator. They had a lot in common to see them through the bad times.)

 

Do the following.

 

Go NC ignore her in real life and block all social media contact with her. Even if she has blocked you on some platforms it is possible to block someone else who has just to keep them from being able to see you at their leisure as well.

 

Get busy with the rest of life that includes mourning what you have lost. Keep your eyes open for romantic potentials but maybe take a break from looking for anything serious. What can help in your situation would be to GFTOW. Go _____ ten other women. Hey it's what your GF is doing with other guys.* That way you won't miss the physical release.

 

Start to move on as if this was it, try to learn the lessons of this relationship. Do not hope for her to come back. That said I guarantee that once this advice starts to work that is when she will try her best to make contact in some way.

 

At that point you can decide from a calm rational place if there really was something that you want to save from that relationship. This is something that can take months or years to happen and most of the time there is no chance to try again. Sometimes there is.

 

 

*Why she's trying to have sex with first an old friend then with one of her girlfriends old _____buddies is beyond me. It could be what I have observed and call the "credit check". She knows that friend is a decent guy and she knows that the _____buddy is a decent lay at least. Young women and immature women need that social proof sometimes even trusting what others think more than their own judgement.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Mrlonelyone

[therealmccoy]

I definitely appreciate the feedback. I look at what was and realize there was things that I did wrong but I still put a lot of the blame on her. I told her she cheated on me and she denied doing anything with our friend until after she broke up with me. However I feel that if your already flirting with someone than you are cheating, emotionally cheating. Plus no one says goodnight to a good friend of the opposite sex unless theres some feelings there. We have talked about marriage but both agreed we were too young. She didnt leave me until she had him lined up. I look at her as a gutless immature coward for the most part but I still miss her at times everyday. Plus she used me and my money to fix her car a week before she ended it. The best thing for me to do is go no contact, Ive broken it in the past and it ends up blowing up in my face making me feel worse. Maybe one day Ill hear from her again, however I dont want to be her friend and be a safety net for her I deserve better than that.

[Mrlonelyone]

She didnt leave me until she had him lined up. I look at her as a gutless immature coward for the most part but I still miss her at times everyday. Plus she used me and my money to fix her car a week before she ended it.

 

Get used to this. Search for the term monkey branching. A monkey does not let go of one branch until it has a good grip on the next branch because it will fall.

 

Unlike men women are under great social pressure to be part of a couple and have time pressure due to their biological clock. So it is not unreasonable.

 

As miserable as single men seem to feel single women get it far worse.

 

The best thing for me to do is go no contact, Ive broken it in the past and it ends up blowing up in my face making me feel worse. Maybe one day Ill hear from her again, however I dont want to be her friend and be a safety net for her I deserve better than that.

 

Yes you do. Go NC. If you see her in person she is just a hole in the air. Treat her like she does not exist.

[boneparty]

Real McCoy man. Why would you want her to even come back to you man? She broke off a 6 year relationship through a text message. That's high school and pathetic in my book. She did that cause she couldn't face you knowing it was probably wrong. The whole I love you but I'm not in love with you is cliche and a bunch of BS. People do that when they have another interest, whether it be a love interest or they're just attracted to someone else. Sounds like she rebounded with your friend, she ****ed up her and his friendship, plus the friendship between you two. Let her walk man, she's out ****ing other dudes and looks like she might be on a streak. People change around their early 20s. You spent your early 20s being committed to her and she couldn't return the favor. Let it burn man. Then walk away. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Just walk bro.