Miss Peach Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 My XBF was in his early 40s and he mentioned he ran into that a lot with women he dated in their 40s - they wanted children still. When he turned 40 he had a vasectomy because he didn't want to be an older dad and have to worry about things like college when he wanted to retire. I am divorced and have done the child rearing thing so I'm actually looking for men who don't want their own children but are open to someone with them. A female friend of mine when she hit my age went through a phase where she NEEDED a kid. Sort of like her body going haywire to get the last one out of the way. It's never hit me and I hope it doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I think you are thinking of the 1980's. You go to an elementary school now you may see one parent in their 20's compared to every 5 parents in their 40/50's and 10 in their 30's. I live 2 houses from the local elementary school. The vast majority of parents I see coming and going are late 20's-early 30's with a sprinkling of early 20's and a few "late life mothers". Its a social class thing. Women of a higher social class, who are better educated, with better careers have babies in their 30s and 40s Maybe it is geographical. In my general area, most of the women I have known who completed their educations either had children while they were finishing their degrees or shortly after. A few were married to their high school sweethearts, but most married a man they met while in college. Many of those women tried to time their conceptions during their last semester so that they would give birth shortly after completing their degrees. Most women I currently know in their mid to late 40's are grandmothers or awaiting news of a grandchild on the way. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Yes, demographics play a HUGE role - as will your social circle on a more micro level (I am child free by choice, and have a degree in sociology so I follow this stuff). Here is a link with great info: Childlessness | Pew Research Center Women are having children later in life than ever before. Generally, the more educated the mother is, the later she will be having children. Urban areas, mothers tend to be older when they have their first child, if at ever. More women are choosing not to have children - this tend peaked in 2006 and is now showing a decline. In 2006 20% of women 40-44 were childfree, in 2014, the figure was 15% (vs. the late 70's the figure was 8%). An interesting trend MORE educated women are choosing to have kids than in the past. This reflects social changes for working mothers. In 1994, 35% of women with PhD's were childfree, in 2014, that number fell to 20%. For instance, I live / work in the San Francisco area. SF has a very low rate of housholds with children - only 18%! - Lowest in the nation. Vs. Laredo TX for example, 55+% of the households have children. So what I see on the streets, vs. LATP's experiences are going to be very different. I can think of 10 women who I have stayed friends with since high school / college, and they break down as follows (age when had first kid / # of kids / education level / marital status): 1. 18 / 5 / high school / divorced 2. 33 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 3. 36 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 4. NA (38) / NA / Some college / Single 5. 38 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 6. NA (38) / NA / Bachelor's degree / Single 7. NA (38) / NA / Master's degree / Single 8. 36 / 2 / Bachelor's degree / married 9. NA (38) / NA / Bachelor's degree / Single 10. NA (38) / NA / Doctorate / Single So, when *I* look around, I see women nearing 40 who have not had kids. Small rural town? I am sure my social circle would look a bit different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 When he turned 40 he had a vasectomy because he didn't want to be an older dad and have to worry about things like college when he wanted to retire. Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't see the appeal of being an elderly parent. I know of some women on POF that had kidsd already and still have "Want more", even though they are in their mid-30s and older. I've seen a handful of women that "don't have kids, don't want them." but emailed all of them, meaning not that many of them, with no response. I would kind of think that would be a selling point with them by both of us being on the same page, but you know, there's that whole "physically attracted" thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 I live 2 houses from the local elementary school. The vast majority of parents I see coming and going are late 20's-early 30's with a sprinkling of early 20's and a few "late life mothers". Maybe it is geographical. In my general area, most of the women I have known who completed their educations either had children while they were finishing their degrees or shortly after. A few were married to their high school sweethearts, but most married a man they met while in college. Many of those women tried to time their conceptions during their last semester so that they would give birth shortly after completing their degrees. Most women I currently know in their mid to late 40's are grandmothers or awaiting news of a grandchild on the way. Yeah, I recall talking to this woman in her mid 50s. She's happily in volved with a guy of the same age, but when she was unattached, she had the displeasure of running into men in her age bracket that still have kids at home be it elementary aged to high school. That was a deal breaker for HER because all of her children were grown adults, out of the house AND married. It was a frustrating time for her until she finally met someone "in sync" with her. I dont' want to be that guy women won't date because my kids are young while her kids are adults. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I'm a man but my wife was close to 40 when we had a son, I was 45... no biggie.. I think you have confused what them clicking they want kids means in OLD, it means the man can have kids and they would accept his children. If she clicks no kids then that would limit her dating pool considerably. Of course there are women that want and can have kids after 40, my wife wanted more but it wasn't in the cards for us but those women are most likely not the ones who you are speaking about... More than one meaning to that click box... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 I think you have confused what them clicking they want kids means in OLD, it means the man can have kids and they would accept his children. More than one meaning to that click box... Not really, it's common sense to think that "want kids" means the person with the profile wants to birth/foster/adopt their OWN children with whomever they partner up with in the future. "Want kids" does not mean, "I want YOUR (the other person's) kids." Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Well whatever... I know that if I found myself single and on OLD I wouldn't look at a profile that said they didn't want children since that is what I have coming into the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Well whatever... I know that if I found myself single and on OLD I wouldn't look at a profile that said they didn't want children since that is what I have coming into the relationship. Well, there are tons of women WITH children that have "doesn't want children"...like myself. I'd be moreso on the same page with THAT woman than a woman who WANTS kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Well, there are tons of women WITH children that have "doesn't want children"...like myself. From her perspective that makes sense.. since many guys will be looking at her and looking to see if she is still wanting to have MORE kids. Like I said.. more than one meaning to the clickbox... Maybe women over 40 with no kids can chime in some... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Well, there are tons of women WITH children that have "doesn't want children"...like myself. I'd be moreso on the same page with THAT woman than a woman who WANTS kids. Well stick to what you want. Who cares if 50, 60, 70, 80 yo women tick the kids box? It is up to them what they want. It is up to you to accept or dismiss them as required. 40+ women have kids all the time, it is not like it is an impossible goal to have. If you do not want kids and are scared of bringing up the topic to these women for fear of offending them, then stay out of that arena all together. If a 60+ man expresses an interest in having children and a woman does not want kids, then she will avoid him. They have different life goals She doesn't engage with him and then ask him did he really mean he is interested in having kids and by doing that suggest he may be far too old for kids... If she is sensible, she doesn't get into that potential can of worms, she merely passes him by. BUT I sort of get the frustration. Pickings are thin on the ground, YOU see perfect match, but she wants kids. You think "For God's sake woman you are too old for all that nonsense, we'd be perfect together", but it is not up to YOU is it? It is her life, her decision. Sometimes life is just not fair... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 If you do not want kids and are scared of bringing up the topic to these women for fear of offending them, then stay out of that arena all together. Okay, I understand that and very well put in your entire post. But now, I got to wondering about meeting such women out and about organically. Face-to-face social interactions. The old-fashioned way. These questions aren't brought up too quickly if you've been on first 2nd or third dates. Typically I let the conversation come up organically as it's not revealed point blank on a dating profile and these shouldn't be first date questions if you met someone outside the scope of online dating....BUT I've known some women who insist on getting these questions out of the way on a FIRST date...which is kind of embarrassing or too probing. I knew of a woman that said she didn't know a guy she was dating had a vasectomy well into his 50s, she's in her early 50s, and she wants to adopt, but apparently the idea of him having had the operation kind of turned her off. Apparently a procedure like that is symbolic about a person even wanting kids in their life, adopted or not. She had already really started to like him, but it was kind of saddening that the dating had to be called off. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Ehh, I feel better now - 35% of my fellow PhDs are childless. I'm heading that route (childless at 32 now). To be honest, if I reach 35 and I'm still childless I'm giving up the natural route. I studied biology for way too many years and I'm acutely aware of the risks (I'm not ok with playing russian roulette regarding genetic defects) However: 1) I can adopt/foster much later (btw I don't need to adopt a baby - I can adopt say 12 year old when I'm 48) 2) I can use frozen eggs of mine and still have biological kids 3) i can get pregnant with donor eggs So... If I'm still single in my late 40s - I'll say I want kids. Why not? I won't be saying 'get me pregnant' asap. There are other options that wthe regular course of nature Yes, demographics play a HUGE role - as will your social circle on a more micro level (I am child free by choice, and have a degree in sociology so I follow this stuff). Here is a link with great info: Childlessness | Pew Research Center Women are having children later in life than ever before. Generally, the more educated the mother is, the later she will be having children. Urban areas, mothers tend to be older when they have their first child, if at ever. More women are choosing not to have children - this tend peaked in 2006 and is now showing a decline. In 2006 20% of women 40-44 were childfree, in 2014, the figure was 15% (vs. the late 70's the figure was 8%). An interesting trend MORE educated women are choosing to have kids than in the past. This reflects social changes for working mothers. In 1994, 35% of women with PhD's were childfree, in 2014, that number fell to 20%. For instance, I live / work in the San Francisco area. SF has a very low rate of housholds with children - only 18%! - Lowest in the nation. Vs. Laredo TX for example, 55+% of the households have children. So what I see on the streets, vs. LATP's experiences are going to be very different. I can think of 10 women who I have stayed friends with since high school / college, and they break down as follows (age when had first kid / # of kids / education level / marital status): 1. 18 / 5 / high school / divorced 2. 33 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 3. 36 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 4. NA (38) / NA / Some college / Single 5. 38 / 1 / Bachelor's degree / married 6. NA (38) / NA / Bachelor's degree / Single 7. NA (38) / NA / Master's degree / Single 8. 36 / 2 / Bachelor's degree / married 9. NA (38) / NA / Bachelor's degree / Single 10. NA (38) / NA / Doctorate / Single So, when *I* look around, I see women nearing 40 who have not had kids. Small rural town? I am sure my social circle would look a bit different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Ehh, I feel better now - 35% of my fellow PhDs are childless. I'm heading that route (childless at 32 now). To be honest, if I reach 35 and I'm still childless I'm giving up the natural route. I studied biology for way too many years and I'm acutely aware of the risks (I'm not ok with playing russian roulette regarding genetic defects) However: 1) I can adopt/foster much later (btw I don't need to adopt a baby - I can adopt say 12 year old when I'm 48) 2) I can use frozen eggs of mine and still have biological kids 3) i can get pregnant with donor eggs So... If I'm still single in my late 40s - I'll say I want kids. Why not? I won't be saying 'get me pregnant' asap. There are other options that wthe regular course of nature True,you could do it without a man in your life easily, but I know quite a few women that would prefer to do it with a man they bring into their lives and not prefer to be a single mother raising an adopted child or an invtro situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) Ran into a Catch 22, emailed a 49 yr old single mom, told me she was looking for a "fellow single parent." Even though she has "doesn't want kids" in her profile and I don't want kids either. Go figure. lose-lose situation .lol She told me one of the reasons is that if a man hasn't chosen to have kids at this point, it's a significant lifestyle choice that may be deterring....at least to her. Edited January 31, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I thought the main concern for a new relationship with a woman over 40 wanting kids is that kids should happen asap if she means the regular way. But with adoption/frozen eggs etc the rush factor is gone - so the relationship can progress naturally for few years without Baby!Asap! situation. Otherwise I tend to agree for the kids is generally better to grow up in two parents household. If the woman can get a partner before adopting/in vitro etc - better for the kid, I think that's what women mean by saying they want a man in their life first. True,you could do it without a man in your life easily, but I know quite a few women that would prefer to do it with a man they bring into their lives and not prefer to be a single mother raising an adopted child or an invtro situation. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 What doesn't make sense here? She is a mother already, doesn't want more kids on her own, and prefers a man that is also a father already and doesn't plan to have more kids. She's probably concerned if the guy is not a father, he won't be accepting/caring to her child/ren. Ran into a Catch 22, emailed a 49 yr old single mom, told me she was looking for a "fellow single parent." Even though she has "doesn't want kids" in her profile and I don't want kids either. Go figure. lose-lose situation .lol She told me one of the reasons is that if a man hasn't chosen to have kids at this point, it's a significant lifestyle choice that may be deterring....at least to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 What doesn't make sense here? She is a mother already, doesn't want more kids on her own, and prefers a man that is also a father already and doesn't plan to have more kids. She's probably concerned if the guy is not a father, he won't be accepting/caring to her child/ren. Well, she's only assuming I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
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