Don't be like me. The OM

[Quitquit]

Just a personal rant that maybe someone can gain insight from or possibly give me hope that it will get better.

 

This is written from my perspective as the OM involved with married woman but I'm sure single women involved with married men can relate.

 

If you are a single man and find yourself getting involved with a married woman please just stop. It's not worth it. At first it seems like so much fun. It's exciting and it's new but when it's ran its course you will be left heartbroken. You'll experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. At first it seems ideal but slowly you start realizing being the other man is painful. Not being able to contact her when you want. Waiting for her to call so you can set up a meeting. Knowing she goes home to another man every night. Not having trust in what she says. I mean if she lies to her husband why wouldn't she lie to me. You start questioning everything. How could I do this to someone's family? Were we really in love? In the end you'll be left with low self esteem and feeling depressed.

 

Months after you think it's over you still may hold on to hope but all you get is breadcrumbs and mind games. You think you have finally moved on and all it takes is one message from her and your right back in. You feel great for a few hours and then realize there is no more action on her part just empty words. You question everything. How many partners does she have? Is this really her first affair? Who is she with now? Pain, pain, pain.....

 

So here I sit now trying to move forward with guilt and regrets and feeling so weak. I just hope this can help someone. If you are at the beginning stages it isn't worth it. Find someone emotionally available. Unless you have no emotions or empathy I don't see how you can make it out a better person.

 

Any response is welcomed.

[FoundMyStrength]

It sounds like maybe you are still with her? Or just out of it? As an xOW, I agree with all you have written. I was a lucky one. I found this site early, and was able to end it early by listening to all of the terribly painful stories of xOW's who were in affairs for months and months or years. The damage it causes, even for someone like me who wasn't involved for terribly long, is not worth the fleeting time you have with the person. If you are still with her, I urge you to go no contact. It really does help to break the connection, and eventually, to get to a point where you don't really want to be in contact.

[CloudyHead]

I understand how you feel. At some point, you have to love yourself to say "enough is enough" and move on. No contact is the only way to get her out of your head, thoughts and life. Yes - it is difficult. But whatever time you spent with her is wasted time. Do not beat yourself up as we all make mistakes; but, learn from those mistakes and concentrate on yourself. You are worth it!

[Quitquit]

@foundmystrength & cloudyhead Thank you both for the replies.

 

Because of circumstances I don't want to get into right now no contact is currently not an option. I'm not sure what is going on right now with us except it's extremely painful for me and from my perspective seems she is doing just fine. I've been trying to lower the amount of contact between us and when I feel like I'm making progress it's like she can sense it and she contacts me and I allow myself to be pulled back in.

 

I've been working hard at trying to emotionally detach from her but it is very difficult. I do appreciete both of your comments and hope to find the strength to move on emotionally so I can be open for someone available.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@foundmystrength & cloudyhead Thank you both for the replies.

 

Because of circumstances I don't want to get into right now no contact is currently not an option. I'm not sure what is going on right now with us except it's extremely painful for me and from my perspective seems she is doing just fine. I've been trying to lower the amount of contact between us and when I feel like I'm making progress it's like she can sense it and she contacts me and I allow myself to be pulled back in.

 

I've been working hard at trying to emotionally detach from her but it is very difficult. I do appreciete both of your comments and hope to find the strength to move on emotionally so I can be open for someone available.

 

Hang in there! Keep posting here and you will eventually get to where you need to be...out of pain with a fresh perspective and better outlook on life. Rip off the band-aid. It's going to hurt for a bit, but it's the only way you'll begin to heal. Sorry you're going through this. Good for you for being brave enough to start a thread! That's a great step in the right direction.

[oceansaway]

Enjoyed your post. Fyi...it is the same for being a OW.

You are correct...just like most relationships...it runs it corse. The fog lifts and one realizes the lies. But it is very hard to fight this "addiction"...that's all it is. Getting sucked back in after months of NC....that one text and it starts over. Stay strong. I believe everyone will their true "single" love and this toxic relationship will just be a memory

[FoundMyStrength]

Hang in there! Keep posting here and you will eventually get to where you need to be...out of pain with a fresh perspective and better outlook on life. Rip off the band-aid. It's going to hurt for a bit, but it's the only way you'll begin to heal. Sorry you're going through this. Good for you for being brave enough to start a thread! That's a great step in the right direction.

 

Same from me. Hang in there and keep trying to distance yourself. It took me awhile too to have the strength to say goodbye forever. It took courage and insight to post this, and to seek support -- we're here for you!

[PickledHead]

I am still mid A but can testify that being the OW/OM is a horrid place to be

 

I'm another that got suckered in with the fun and the crazy thought that I could handle it.

 

Soooooooo wrong!!

 

If anyway out, take it because the longer it goes on the harder it gets

[carhill]

The logic part is easy. The emotional attachment part is harder. The key to success with MW's is eschewing attachment. Accept the now as the now and not any harbinger of later. As a single guy, there's max freedom. As appropriate, date single women, enjoy MW's or women with boyfriends, do what you want, presuming you're fine with those boundaries.

 

The most successful guys I've seen are the type I describe and they cherry pick exit affairs and have the skills to keep a woman on the hook long-term if they want, kind of like you described the MW popping back in, snapping her fingers and you, or I, come running. Those are skills. Good MW's are pros. Guys who don't have those skills get mowed down and spit out like so many clippings.

 

Good luck in your pursuits.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Just a personal rant that maybe someone can gain insight from or possibly give me hope that it will get better.

 

This is written from my perspective as the OM involved with married woman but I'm sure single women involved with married men can relate.

 

If you are a single man and find yourself getting involved with a married woman please just stop. It's not worth it. At first it seems like so much fun. It's exciting and it's new but when it's ran its course you will be left heartbroken. You'll experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. At first it seems ideal but slowly you start realizing being the other man is painful. Not being able to contact her when you want. Waiting for her to call so you can set up a meeting. Knowing she goes home to another man every night. Not having trust in what she says. I mean if she lies to her husband why wouldn't she lie to me. You start questioning everything. How could I do this to someone's family? Were we really in love? In the end you'll be left with low self esteem and feeling depressed.

 

Months after you think it's over you still may hold on to hope but all you get is breadcrumbs and mind games. You think you have finally moved on and all it takes is one message from her and your right back in. You feel great for a few hours and then realize there is no more action on her part just empty words. You question everything. How many partners does she have? Is this really her first affair? Who is she with now? Pain, pain, pain.....

 

So here I sit now trying to move forward with guilt and regrets and feeling so weak. I just hope this can help someone. If you are at the beginning stages it isn't worth it. Find someone emotionally available. Unless you have no emotions or empathy I don't see how you can make it out a better person.

 

Any response is welcomed.

You will be fine, dont worry! Just go NC

[NTV]

You can always tell her husband. ...

[FusionCutter]

@foundmystrength & cloudyhead Thank you both for the replies.

 

Because of circumstances I don't want to get into right now no contact is currently not an option. I'm not sure what is going on right now with us except it's extremely painful for me and from my perspective seems she is doing just fine. I've been trying to lower the amount of contact between us and when I feel like I'm making progress it's like she can sense it and she contacts me and I allow myself to be pulled back in.

 

I've been working hard at trying to emotionally detach from her but it is very difficult. I do appreciete both of your comments and hope to find the strength to move on emotionally so I can be open for someone available.

 

NC is ALWAYS an option.

[sandylee1]

NC is ALWAYS an option.

 

If you work together it's difficult.

If you're family friends it's difficult

 

But looking for a new job is an option if applicable.

 

It just depends on how much you really want to do it.

 

Like the OP said, in order not to get hurt, you need to keep emotions out of it.

 

Most men can and most women can't.

 

A former coworker would have about 3-4 married or attached women on the go at a time.

 

It was just NSA sex for him and being tight fisted meant he didn't have to spend money on them. if any one of them didn't respond to his calls or messages within a certain time frame, he cut them off for a couple of weeks and they always came back.

 

He had no emotions, no empathy for their husbands if they got too clingy he ghosted them, and saying he didn't want any angry husband coming after him.

 

Most people can't do that, so OPs advice is well worth listening to.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Just a personal rant that maybe someone can gain insight from or possibly give me hope that it will get better.

 

This is written from my perspective as the OM involved with married woman but I'm sure single women involved with married men can relate.

 

If you are a single man and find yourself getting involved with a married woman please just stop. It's not worth it. At first it seems like so much fun. It's exciting and it's new but when it's ran its course you will be left heartbroken. You'll experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. At first it seems ideal but slowly you start realizing being the other man is painful. Not being able to contact her when you want. Waiting for her to call so you can set up a meeting. Knowing she goes home to another man every night. Not having trust in what she says. I mean if she lies to her husband why wouldn't she lie to me. You start questioning everything. How could I do this to someone's family? Were we really in love? In the end you'll be left with low self esteem and feeling depressed.

 

Months after you think it's over you still may hold on to hope but all you get is breadcrumbs and mind games. You think you have finally moved on and all it takes is one message from her and your right back in. You feel great for a few hours and then realize there is no more action on her part just empty words. You question everything. How many partners does she have? Is this really her first affair? Who is she with now? Pain, pain, pain.....

 

So here I sit now trying to move forward with guilt and regrets and feeling so weak. I just hope this can help someone. If you are at the beginning stages it isn't worth it. Find someone emotionally available. Unless you have no emotions or empathy I don't see how you can make it out a better person.

 

Any response is welcomed.

 

I think this is true for the course of affairs in general, whether you are the OM, OW, MM, MW...single or married, man or woman...

[Quitquit]

Thank you all for the replies and the support.

 

This has been going on for some time now and at one point it worked out well. I was dating other woman at the same time as the MW and I was ok with the situation. I was able to see it for what it was. Fun exciting NSA.

 

The problems started when I caught the major feels for the MW. I started wanting more than she could offer and lost sight of everything. I started getting emotionally attached to this woman and it worked against me. I lost relationships with women who were available because of how caught up I was on this one unavaible MW. So I went from being a happy single man to driving myself crazy and becoming very depressed and losing myself in the process.

 

This didn't happen over night. That is why I wish anyone starting an affair as the other man or woman to stop and really consider how this could play out in the long run. I'm sure some can handle it but I thought I could and now it eats me up.

 

That is why I currently need to detach from this woman and get my head on straight.

[Poppy47]

I have stopped. It took several attempts at NC over a period of years.

 

There are times when I know I would go back in an instant if I saw him. He won't contact me because he knows I'm done with being in an A.

 

It has been very damaging in a variety of ways and messed up every area of my life, especially emotionally. I am still finding my way back to myself. Maybe myself will never, ever be the same.

 

Thank you for your post,

Poppy.

[confusingme]

Quitquit,

 

I think I can relate as well, as I was the OW couple months ago.

I have come over it and really think it was the right thing to do, for both myself the other man, he has a family, I have a family too, I don't want to blame him or myself although I regret it, because when chemistry (later emotional connection) happens, both would crave it for more. Seems like everybody feels lonely in this world, good things don't last long.

 

I think when someone really has taken part of your heart, it get tough, you want to be with them, but you need to be realistic, while you miss the good part the most, you don't want to be rational, you want to go crazy, you are out of mind, you think it's love.

 

I have to say, being in an affair, is a very very crucial part of your entire life. I don't think I will ever forget the OM, the exOM. When he spoke me for the last time on phone, when he told me "I've learned how to reconnect with my wife and sons, I'm happy." I was willing to let him go, set him free, because I cared about him, I wanted him to be able to do whatever made him happy. I still don't know if it was called love, but yes, I "cared" about him with all my heart. That's why people involved in an affair usually think they are unique, in their own world, they are unique.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is you don't want the other one to get hurt, you want him/her to be happy, you think you could give up and expect him/her to give up everything just for the sake of your affair. It's like a whole new world. But it only exists in your and your affair partner's minds. In both of your minds, nothing is wrong, yet, you have pain. You suffer from unable to having each other enough, you suffer from not being able to give each other more.

 

There is a very very soft part in your heart, living the most perfect person in the world, called the other woman/man. I didn't even hate to think I was "the other woman", I took it as a good thing.

 

Of course, you can't bring any part of the affair to real life. Once you did, you will hate it all.

 

OP. I can assure you that your married woman has her very very soft part in her heart for you. She must have thought about being with you for real. Life sucks. You need to either let go and move on, or swallow the bitterness. Sometimes, I think it's hard for her to tell you promises, cause she sure knows as well these words would be empty for you, and to hurt you is the last thing she wants to do. It's not fair to tell you, OP, that you need to be understanding, but you do need to. You have your choice, you can end your pain, by not blaming her.

 

What's meant to happen, will happen. Life is not about living, life is an universe thing, sometimes, it might be better when you don't have the one you care. Sometimes, words don't express the true feelings.

 

Take care of yourself, try not to figure every single thing out, no matter if you are happy with this situation or not, remember, you are the one who can control your own actions, so don't doubt her, if you chose her, believer every word she says, trust her. But meanwhile, take very good care of yourself.

 

My best wishes for you.

Edited January 27, 2017 by confusingme

[FoundMyStrength]

I have to say, being in an affair, is a very very crucial part of your entire life. I don't think I will ever forget the OM, the exOM. When he spoke me for the last time on phone, when he told me "I've learned how to reconnect with my wife and sons, I'm happy." I was willing to let him go, set him free, because I cared about him, I wanted him to be able to do whatever made him happy.

 

This whole post was so eloquent, but this part spoke to me the most. When my xMM returned to his home city and his wife, the one thing I needed to know was that he was happy. That he thought he could reconnect with his wife, that he was seeking out help for himself, that he thought he could move forward even with the weight of the guilt he felt. He wanted to cling to me as a "friend", but in the end, I wanted us both to be happy. And that meant, as you put it, letting him go and setting him free from any expectation of being "friends" with his former affair partner. I think of him very often, and always with hope that he's happy.

 

OP, I hope that you can get there with your MW. Affairs really are something that lingers with you. And it's up to you whether you make it a lingering pain and longing, or a lingering fondness and wish for the other person's well-being, whether that's with you or otherwise.

[Quitquit]

@confusingme and @foundmystrength thank you both so much for the replies.

 

@confusingme - Your post helped me out more then you know. I really needed to hear some of the things you said. Especially the part about understanding, not blaming, not being bitter, and being in control of my own actions. Your post helped me put things in perspective.

 

@foundmystrength - I also want to thank you for helping me view things differently and looking back at this with fondness and wishing the best for the other person.

[confusingme]

@confusingme and @foundmystrength thank you both so much for the replies.

 

@confusingme - Your post helped me out more then you know. I really needed to hear some of the things you said. Especially the part about understanding, not blaming, not being bitter, and being in control of my own actions. Your post helped me put things in perspective.

 

Quitquit, I'm so happy my words could be helpful for you. And I'm proud of you for being willing to move on.

 

Next you need to tell her that you need to move on, take the actions, it will be good for her too.

 

Listen, moving on will not be easy, you will go through a lot of emotions. Some days, you will feel strong, some days, you will feel empty as a drum, some days, you will want to reach out, and she might would have already called you during the period you are trying to recover yourself, so it's important not to contact her, go No Contacts, 100%. It will be harder than making the decision.

 

You don't want to mess up her life, she needs her family, if her husband finds it out, she will not have that life anymore, and it will only be worse than now, even if she tells you her life is not good. She will decide to divorce her husband if she later realizes that you are the true love, but if she was caught, it would be totally different. It will be so messy. You don't know if you could handle that mess.

 

When you feel weak, come to LS and keep reading posts.

 

You can also tell her that you don't want to bring trouble to her life, and tell her you will go NC, she might feel hurt, but tell her, you are not going anywhere, you just need this period of time, maybe after couple years, you guys can reconnect, if she was divorced. We don't know what life brings us, but we need to make the best of it.

 

That's called mature.

[ice3784]

I am still mid A but can testify that being the OW/OM is a horrid place to be

 

I'm another that got suckered in with the fun and the crazy thought that I could handle it.

 

Soooooooo wrong!!

 

If anyway out, take it because the longer it goes on the harder it gets

Im also in the mid of A. We are both separated from our spouse but recently he tried to reconcile with his wife. He lie to her that he was no more with me. But the truth is. Im always here. Im still here. It hurts me everyday that he will sneak around to text her. When i bring it up he says he was trying to protect me by not letting me sees about he texting her.

[BTDT2012]

Im also in the mid of A. We are both separated from our spouse but recently he tried to reconcile with his wife. He lie to her that he was no more with me. But the truth is. Im always here. Im still here. It hurts me everyday that he will sneak around to text her. When i bring it up he says he was trying to protect me by not letting me sees about he texting her.

 

This will not end well for you. Why are you tolerating this level of disrespect? You are his plan B in case he can't get his wife back.

[dazedandconfused2017]

I'm not currently having an affair, but I'm a married man, very much interested in another married woman (whom I can't really avoid). I go back in forth in my head. Sometimes I lean towards the rational, other towards the irrational. I can physically feel dissonance in my head. Falling for someone who isn't emotionally available is always painful.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not currently having an affair, but I'm a married man, very much interested in another married woman (whom I can't really avoid). I go back in forth in my head. Sometimes I lean towards the rational, other towards the irrational. I can physically feel dissonance in my head. Falling for someone who isn't emotionally available is always painful.

 

Yes you can avoid. You quit the gym and find another one to go to. It's that simple. Question is, do you love your wife more than your ego and what this MW is providing you?

[oldshirt]

Quitquit, in my mid/upper 20s I was a serial OM and was balancing a variety of A's and was involved with a couple single women over a number of years.

 

This may sound a little counterintuitive at first but stay with here.

 

This is an issue with your game. Bump up your game a bit and you will be able to attract, hook up and form connections with single women.

 

Many people can't grasp this but married women are actually the low-hanging fruit and are easier to get into bed for NSA sex than single women. When a MW's H has gotten fat and lazy and can't take care of her in the bedroom or he has completely zoned out and neglected her, she is the easiest of all the women out there to get in the sack.

 

If you are scoring with MW but having difficulty with single women, it means you are almost there. It means you are good enough for an afternoon romp but not quite there for single women.

 

Attractive Single women are actually much harder than frustrated/bored married women. Single women have countless single and married men hitting on them all the time and offering them NSA sex at in the day (As Chris Rock says, "...would you like some $%^& with that?") LOL

 

As such, single women are the ones that need to be wined and dined and have moonlight walks on the beach etc etc. They are screening you for relationship material and if you have one or two gigs against you, you are dropped like a hot potato.

 

With a frustrated MW, all you have to do is make her jay-jay tingle a little bit and be discrete and keep her secret safe. She gets all the rest of her perks like the foot rubs and spider killing and household chores from her H.

 

Work on your game and brush up on the traits and characteristics that make you relationship material IN ADDITION TO booty call material and you will be on your way to success with single women.

 

Then once you are dialed in with single women, you won't give a rat's behind about married women and she will just another face in the crowd in no time.